Women with low libido - sexless marriage - please help this guy

[kendalmintcake]

Hi,

I've been married for a while with kids.  I'm pretty sure I'm one of the nicest guys around - loving, caring helping guy - take care of the kids, make dinner, do laundry, treat everyone with kindness and regularly express my love for my wife and kids.  However, I'm struggling with the fact that my wife never extends any intimacy.  It has been like this for years and years and I'm coming to my wit's end with it.  I'm getting to the point where I just frankly dislike sex, why?  because it makes me feel like a dog begging for it.  I get shot down 9 out of 10 times.  I try to space it and what ends up happening is it happens maybe 4 times a year.  It is torture.  I think my wife is beautiful beyond belief.  I haven't even seen her naked in months.

Why is she doing this to me.  She knows as I've told her that intimacy is important, but still, manages every night to  be asleep minutes before I'm done tucking in the kids.  If we have a night off, she's sick with one of about 5 rotating ailments.  We'll go for a nice dinner, spend some time walking around hand-in-hand, then as soon as we are alone, she avoids me like the plague.  I feel like a rat.  When I hug her she simply balls up.  She absolutely never hugs me.  I feel like that monkey that scientists deprived of a parent and it latched onto a fury mannequin for comfort.

I can't live like this.  I've read many people with similar issues, six months later they post that they broke up and are happy as can be.  Prior to busting up they expressed they steadfast efforts to get to the bottom of things, with patience, willingness to change, but that seems to evolve into despair and extreme disappointment at the neglect they feel.  Yes, I feel neglected, I'm made to feel like I'm sex obsessed.

Now with that said, if somebody can relate let me know what might be going on here.  It has either got to be hormones (ie, a medical thing) or, she just is grossed by me, I wonder sometimes, is she gay?  I don't know.  All I know is that I'm sad.

Thanks

[kendalmintcake]

Londres, umm, yeah, out history is wrought with plenty of issues, both of us actually.  Meds are quite integrated, depression for both of us is a family thing.  No doubt that ssris are one big factor - they are libido elimiators.  Up until I finally started them (should have been on them last millenium not kidding here), I at least could alleviate my drive fairly expeditiously, now, they've made in near impossible to proactively level myself out - yes, ok, I'm talking about masturbation here.  Sorry girls, I don't mean to taint the thread - it natural aight!, we all do it, ya know, spank the monkey, whatever - yes, the vision is gross - blech, .... SO!, moving on...now, I'm left with a lesser sex drive, but one that kind of must addressed via classic means - sex

You have a bunch of questions - in a nutshell, we've been married over 10 years together for almost double that, our kids are just in elementary school.  She eats minimal decent food, no excersize really, generally in good shape - an amaaaazing figure with very little effort.

Well, to your point about exhaustion, that is one huge complaint.  The thing is, what else can I do to help alleviate that exhaustion.  I get it, it is majority mental exhaustion - nagging kids wipe you out.  The other day I purchased two massages for us and arranged a baby sitter, I said, we need a break, her response was a look of confusion and 'oh, um ok', I was kind of dissapointed at that reaction - it's like c'mon!!! are you upset at getting a break because you won't be able to complain...that's how it feels.  Look, I get it, it is reallllly hard, fatigue is horrible, the last thing you want it a slobbering dude panting and salivating over you.  But man, c'mon, here, the longer he waits, the more and more difficult it becomes to think, no, don't get desperate, organize something instead, concentrate on quality time, it is really something we dudes forget to appreciate and we are the ones who suffer, the sex will come in time.  

I am able to think like that, I'm able to have a nice dinner out with no action after, months down the road, eventually, I'm going to not really feel compassion for fatigue - coz guess what, I'm tired too.  If you feel like a sex object, then I feel like a broom, a utility that just keeps the machine running.

Alright, blab, blab, blab -

This is back and forth right, you kind ladies get my pov too - hopefully you don't mind a bit supplementary material ;)

[kendalmintcake]

Hi Ku,

Totally interesting post and I am so privileged to hear these little morsels of information.  You know, she has mentioned before, 'I feel like he is getting more handsome and I'm getting less attractive'.  That actually sort of broke my heart.

You know it so very hard to remember that other people are constantly feeling different that you.  I recall a time when I came into our bedroom and she was up on the bed standing with a pair of jeans in such a way that she could best view her butt.  She was a bit shocked that I came in and had a look of fright.  I said, omg, you're all worried about your butt and your secretly checking it out in the mirrow - don't worry it looks great.  At that point a sincere 'your so nice' came from her lips.  I recall thinking, I'm glad that happened, it should reinforce my simple honest love for her.

Back to your point about kids and self perception.  I thought about this and the comment she made, so what I started doing recently was to be a bit more open in public with displays of affection.  I know that for her (other women, men everybody) recognition of things by complete strangers is important.  So, I've been much more unrestrained in giving a big hug and kiss on the forehead while waiting in line or just hanging with friends.  Honestly, I've noticed a boost in ego from this and actually, I like it.  For me, I like feeling as though I'm making a proclaimation that this girl is mine and I'm gonna kiss her here right now and if any guys is jealous, that you can feel the pain bro and I don't care if this pda makes you suffer!

[kendalmintcake]

Hi quiet girl.  There's a lot going on that can't be splurged out in one or two threads, but you are on the ball. Amazing - almost clairvoyant you are.  This particualar topic affords me much sympathy to the situation which is why I'm somehow able to practice extreme patience and understanding.  the trick is dealing with it all the right way.  I've messed up royally in the past, strangely, what I'm learning is that the other person gets better if you focus a bit on yourself.  I think the reason is that we often project our own issues onto others.  So, whenever confronting someone, even in the best of interest in helping the person, we can easily screw it up thanks to the weaving in of our own projections.  When we look at ourselves first, deal with our own issues first, it seems to cleanse the discussion floor.  So regarding past trauma, it is not my job to pry open that shell.  What I do feel is my job is to somehow instill a sense of comfort that if it were to open, the contents would fall into caring arms.  I just wish I could somehow figure out how to instill that sense ...

[Londres70]

Have you all had any other major problems in the marriage before this?  Anything traumatic or upsetting happened in her life that you are aware of?  

Does she take care of herself?  i.e. exercise and eat properly  Any medical conditions?  Is she on meds?  She could have some underlying medical issue.  

How long has this been going on?  

Exactly how long have you been married and how many children do you all have?  Does she work?  

She could just be plain exhausted especially if she is middle-aged.  

I know once I reached my forties and dealing with early menopause my hormones dipped a bit wrecking havoc on my sleep, sexual drive, energy levels, etc.  It finally has tapered off; thank goodness.  

Sounds like it could be a combo of factors, but if she isn't really interested in sorting this out......hmmm...I am not sure what to tell you except that you will have to decide whether to live with this or not.    

[ku111]

I have to wonder if this isn't much to do with you at all.  Hormone imbalance comes to mind (over years) and I have to wonder if it's not herself that doesn't feel deserving.  How does she really feel about herself?  Sometimes men change very little (only in my opinion) and well women change and age a little more sometimes.  Only my perspective.  The body changes with kids and life.  Can be hard sometimes.  I really think you guys need to talk.  I have been married for 20 years and my husband is just as handsome as ever and I feel old and unattractive.  I know he loves me very much and it's all good but things about myself have definately changed.  Just wondering.

[thatquietgirl]

I agree with everyone it could be a hormonal imbalance, but the way she seems to extend NO sort of intimacy, not even hugging, makes me think she could have had some traumatic incident sexually in the past and it started cropping up a few years ago and since she hasn't dealt with it, things continue.  This is a hard thing to ask and bring up.  Sometimes, it's best not to because if it is a case of molestation, she doesn't seem at the point where she'd answer truthfully and it may only cause her to pull away more.  Maybe suggest marriage counseling, and she can go in and see someone on her own too if she so chooses.  However, it may be a lost cause.