Women with low libido - sexless marriage - please help this guy

[kendalmintcake]

Hi,

I've been married for a while with kids.  I'm pretty sure I'm one of the nicest guys around - loving, caring helping guy - take care of the kids, make dinner, do laundry, treat everyone with kindness and regularly express my love for my wife and kids.  However, I'm struggling with the fact that my wife never extends any intimacy.  It has been like this for years and years and I'm coming to my wit's end with it.  I'm getting to the point where I just frankly dislike sex, why?  because it makes me feel like a dog begging for it.  I get shot down 9 out of 10 times.  I try to space it and what ends up happening is it happens maybe 4 times a year.  It is torture.  I think my wife is beautiful beyond belief.  I haven't even seen her naked in months.

Why is she doing this to me.  She knows as I've told her that intimacy is important, but still, manages every night to  be asleep minutes before I'm done tucking in the kids.  If we have a night off, she's sick with one of about 5 rotating ailments.  We'll go for a nice dinner, spend some time walking around hand-in-hand, then as soon as we are alone, she avoids me like the plague.  I feel like a rat.  When I hug her she simply balls up.  She absolutely never hugs me.  I feel like that monkey that scientists deprived of a parent and it latched onto a fury mannequin for comfort.

I can't live like this.  I've read many people with similar issues, six months later they post that they broke up and are happy as can be.  Prior to busting up they expressed they steadfast efforts to get to the bottom of things, with patience, willingness to change, but that seems to evolve into despair and extreme disappointment at the neglect they feel.  Yes, I feel neglected, I'm made to feel like I'm sex obsessed.

Now with that said, if somebody can relate let me know what might be going on here.  It has either got to be hormones (ie, a medical thing) or, she just is grossed by me, I wonder sometimes, is she gay?  I don't know.  All I know is that I'm sad.

Thanks

[AnnieBrooke]

I wouldn't be surprised if it is hormonal, as shell921 says and you suggest.  She might just simply have the dial so low on her estrogen and testosterone that she wouldn't have sex with anyone at all.

If you are good about taking care of the kids, and helpful (not critical) around the house, she is probably not doing this out of resentment.  Usually when the husband is loving with the child or children, the wife loves him for it.

Best suggestion is to go to a therapist together, and lay it out the way you did here.  If she won't, see if she will go on vacation alone with you, a nice long weekend at a resort.  And talk about it.  Don't go with visions of sugarplums, and if she acts willing to have sex rather than discuss the problem, don't be distracted by the offer and forget to talk about the overall problem.  If you two can't talk frankly about the problem, you will never get anywhere.

The part about how you feel is terribly sad, but what you really need to know is why she thinks this is happening.  Unfortunately, telling her how it affects you will not open the door to her talking about that, especially if it comes out as recriminations or if she hears it that way.  Your goal at the retreat or therapist's is to find out what she thinks is going on that makes her feel so uninterested.  And then to make a plan together.  (Some possible plans:  she wants to know what is going on also, and agrees to go to a doctor for testing.  Or, she knows what the problem is and tells you, and then you set plans to address these facts.)  

Maybe she knows what the problem is and doesn't want to discuss what she knows, or more likely she feels ashamed and guilty but doesn't know what the problem is and feels called out by your hints and remarks, and just wishes the problem would get better by itself.  If you want to stay married, you have to help her tell you what it is.  Men tend to want to leap to a solution; discuss the problem in detail and don't tell her what the solution is, ask her what it can be.  Together you might work out a next step.

[shell921]

of course you are sad. this is no way to live. have you told her how you feel? if not you need to TELL her exactly how you feel. i have never understood how women can deny sex to their husbands and expect the husbands to be ok with it. it very well could be hormonal. many women's hormones become unbalanced prior to menopause. how old is she? how old are you?