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my boyfriend molested his sister
Im 38, my boyfriend is 22. He admitted molesting his sister from about age 13 to 18...which is only a few years ago. There was no intercourse, but the thought of it still sickens me. I have 2 little girls (ages 2 & 4) and Im unsure if I can trust him. I can't sleep at night over these thoughts. I just cant get past it. He said he isnt attracted to children and this never happened with anyone lese, and I believe that. but how do I believe it wont happen again? He has alot of sexual issues. He had an addiction to porn, which Im not sure has stopped. He's also a chronic masturbater...pretty much every day some days more than once...and our sex life is good...so why the need? Im at wit's end here...I have no idea whether or not to end relationship. We now have a 3 month old son together.
Noel,
I was molested by my brother for 4 yrs. I saw numerous theraphists and psychiatrist. I got the help I needed, forgave him in my head and moved on. I was shocked to hear how common this was and quoting my theraphists as "normal".
He now has 3 kids who I am super close with. And I have 3 kids as well. I think from what I went through people can change no matter how horrific it sounds to others.
Nobody can judge your boyfriend or your decision to stay or leave. You have to go with your gut feeling not your hearts feeling.
Best of luck!
I was molested by my brother for 4 yrs. I saw numerous theraphists and psychiatrist. I got the help I needed, forgave him in my head and moved on. I was shocked to hear how common this was and quoting my theraphists as "normal".
He now has 3 kids who I am super close with. And I have 3 kids as well. I think from what I went through people can change no matter how horrific it sounds to others.
Nobody can judge your boyfriend or your decision to stay or leave. You have to go with your gut feeling not your hearts feeling.
Best of luck!
Girl,
I realize you might have a son with this guy now, and you don't have to shut him out of your Son's life. but you do, however, need to shut him out of yours! if he has had these problems in his past, people can change and people can grow, but to just over look this fact is neglegent. I wouldn't want my babies anywhere around a former molester and since it was his sister, isn't that even worse?! someone he could control and take advantage of. you should definatly suggest therapy for him. I know you probly read over these and take it all in, but in the end you're gonna do what you're gonna do. But please please take this advice! Everyone who has commented has said pretty much the same thing, RUN as fast as you can! and don't look back! you deserve someone better than that and so do your babies.
I realize you might have a son with this guy now, and you don't have to shut him out of your Son's life. but you do, however, need to shut him out of yours! if he has had these problems in his past, people can change and people can grow, but to just over look this fact is neglegent. I wouldn't want my babies anywhere around a former molester and since it was his sister, isn't that even worse?! someone he could control and take advantage of. you should definatly suggest therapy for him. I know you probly read over these and take it all in, but in the end you're gonna do what you're gonna do. But please please take this advice! Everyone who has commented has said pretty much the same thing, RUN as fast as you can! and don't look back! you deserve someone better than that and so do your babies.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. Well, I will tell you that I'd never choose to spend my life with someone that molested his sibling for years. Especially since it wasn't long ago-------- he has sought no help for it. His mother brushed it under the carpet? Most kids who molest have been molested themselves statistically speaking. This person you are with grew up in very questionable circumstances and after being a victim, victimized. These kids (the 22 year old you are with and his sister) had no parent to help guide them. They are damaged. DAMAGED.
And while I feel very sorry for them (yes, the molester------- your boyfriend as well as his victim, his sister)--------- I would not tie my life to him in a million years.
Ugh. You already did. Why did you have a baby with him? I never get that. Am I the only one that wishes to marry a decent partner and THEN decide to have kids? Not trying to be judgemental but honestly do not understand some of these decisions people make. Because now you FEEL stuck. Well, time to make a right decision and put your child first. You need to leave this boyfriend right away. I'd allow him supervised visits of your shared child but not any other children you have. You are not stuck. The only thing that makes you stay is yourself------------ and let your brain do the talking here. Your boyfriend is damaged goods and will continue to live his life that way. His parents are damaged goods and shouldn't be allowed to be with your son alone. (any parent that brushes their kids being sexual with one another under the carpet loses their parent license).
Separate from this boyfriend and get your life back on track. Your kids are depending on you. Break the cycle of HIS life and do the right thing. good luck
And while I feel very sorry for them (yes, the molester------- your boyfriend as well as his victim, his sister)--------- I would not tie my life to him in a million years.
Ugh. You already did. Why did you have a baby with him? I never get that. Am I the only one that wishes to marry a decent partner and THEN decide to have kids? Not trying to be judgemental but honestly do not understand some of these decisions people make. Because now you FEEL stuck. Well, time to make a right decision and put your child first. You need to leave this boyfriend right away. I'd allow him supervised visits of your shared child but not any other children you have. You are not stuck. The only thing that makes you stay is yourself------------ and let your brain do the talking here. Your boyfriend is damaged goods and will continue to live his life that way. His parents are damaged goods and shouldn't be allowed to be with your son alone. (any parent that brushes their kids being sexual with one another under the carpet loses their parent license).
Separate from this boyfriend and get your life back on track. Your kids are depending on you. Break the cycle of HIS life and do the right thing. good luck
I agree with everyone here - his history of molestation makes this too much risk as regards your children
AND I would not call this an age "gap" - it's WAY bigger than a "gap" - 22 is barely past teenager and 38 is nearing mid life - emotional and mental experiences between these two ages aren't compatible!!
AND I would not call this an age "gap" - it's WAY bigger than a "gap" - 22 is barely past teenager and 38 is nearing mid life - emotional and mental experiences between these two ages aren't compatible!!
Follow your gut instinct. Your gut is telling you something when you are feeling uncomfortable about this situation and it's keeping you up at night. Listen to that feeling and get away from him. Just because you share a child does not mean you have to stay with him, you need to protect your children. If you stay things can turn for the worst before you know it.
I don't have a problem with the age gap, that's up to the couple and how much they share in common, but there are major issues in this relationship. He, only a couple years ago, molested his sister. He needs to go to therapy and you need to stay away from him and protect your children.
I don't have a problem with the age gap, that's up to the couple and how much they share in common, but there are major issues in this relationship. He, only a couple years ago, molested his sister. He needs to go to therapy and you need to stay away from him and protect your children.
Lady, this dude be after your girls! Im sorry, I did not pick up on the age difference before. RUN, do not walk and git away from this person. What u be thinkin!
Noel, having a long term sexual relationship with his sister in his teens doesn't make him a *********. She's only 3 years younger than he is, they're within the same age phase of life. It's not like a 16 year old and a 2 year old. So there's that.
The other side of this is it's very very rare for a 22 year old man to choose a 38 year old woman as a partner. When that happens, you really have to look and see what he's actually there for. In women who have daughters (or sons, actually) you have to assume that's why he's there.
I know that's not a very flattering thing to say, but that's just the reality. How MANY times we see some young guy with some much older woman, and when her back is turned he's with the daughters.
The other side of this is it's very very rare for a 22 year old man to choose a 38 year old woman as a partner. When that happens, you really have to look and see what he's actually there for. In women who have daughters (or sons, actually) you have to assume that's why he's there.
I know that's not a very flattering thing to say, but that's just the reality. How MANY times we see some young guy with some much older woman, and when her back is turned he's with the daughters.
I agree with the above posters--get out of this relationship. Report him and see if an investigation is opened (he should be registered as a sex offender), file for full custody, supervised visitation, and child support.
You said he told you he isn't attracted to children (yet a child is any person under the age of 18), but then you said you feel he has a "sneakiness" about him and you're wondering if you "really even knew him" the more you find out. Your gut is telling you what he did is disturbing and wrong and you're feeling uneasy about having your children, especially your daughters, around him. You believe his own mother has made excuses for his behavior and has basically "swept it under the rug," but then you go on to say you don't think he would harm your daughters and you wouldn't call him a "child molester." He has a porn and sex/masturbating addiction to top it off.
Bottom line: when he was between the ages of 13-18, he admits to molesting his sister, who is three years younger than him. At age 18, he was legally an adult. At age 18, he was still molesting his sister, who was 15--legally a child.
He is a child molester. If you want to attempt to convince yourself that, because he says he "isn't attracted to children" and you "honestly dont think he would harm them [your daughters] or that he is a 'child molester'," you are setting yourself up to be just as likely as his own mother to "kinda sweep this under the rug" when he does end up touching, fondling, and groping your girls.
What more do you need to know? How far are you willing to let this go?
One other thing that just does not sit right with me in this whole thing is the age gap between you two. A man at age 22 is hardly a "man" yet...he's barely begun his own independent life, and oftentimes, is still in the maturity range of a 17-20 year old. I am with Vance2335; with the age gap between you two, everything about your lives is totally different. What attracted you to someone who is 16 years younger than you?
It stands out to me because your life must be fairly well, if not completely, established by age 38 and having two children already. Why take on a relationship with someone who just flopped out of the nest, so to speak? I can't see him having much to offer a family and relationship as far as equivocal stability and support for quite a few years.
I can't help but question your judgement in pursuing a relationship with this age gap when you brought your two (and now three) very young children into the relationship with you. I wouldn't be bringing up the age gap if you didn't have very young children depending on you when you began the relationship. I realize that you didn't know the molestation information when you got involved with him, but simply the fact that the average 22 year old man has very little, if nothing, to offer financially and in emotional and mental maturity for another five or more years when you have young children to raise...I'm left wondering what potential you saw in the relationship from the beginning.
You said he told you he isn't attracted to children (yet a child is any person under the age of 18), but then you said you feel he has a "sneakiness" about him and you're wondering if you "really even knew him" the more you find out. Your gut is telling you what he did is disturbing and wrong and you're feeling uneasy about having your children, especially your daughters, around him. You believe his own mother has made excuses for his behavior and has basically "swept it under the rug," but then you go on to say you don't think he would harm your daughters and you wouldn't call him a "child molester." He has a porn and sex/masturbating addiction to top it off.
Bottom line: when he was between the ages of 13-18, he admits to molesting his sister, who is three years younger than him. At age 18, he was legally an adult. At age 18, he was still molesting his sister, who was 15--legally a child.
He is a child molester. If you want to attempt to convince yourself that, because he says he "isn't attracted to children" and you "honestly dont think he would harm them [your daughters] or that he is a 'child molester'," you are setting yourself up to be just as likely as his own mother to "kinda sweep this under the rug" when he does end up touching, fondling, and groping your girls.
What more do you need to know? How far are you willing to let this go?
One other thing that just does not sit right with me in this whole thing is the age gap between you two. A man at age 22 is hardly a "man" yet...he's barely begun his own independent life, and oftentimes, is still in the maturity range of a 17-20 year old. I am with Vance2335; with the age gap between you two, everything about your lives is totally different. What attracted you to someone who is 16 years younger than you?
It stands out to me because your life must be fairly well, if not completely, established by age 38 and having two children already. Why take on a relationship with someone who just flopped out of the nest, so to speak? I can't see him having much to offer a family and relationship as far as equivocal stability and support for quite a few years.
I can't help but question your judgement in pursuing a relationship with this age gap when you brought your two (and now three) very young children into the relationship with you. I wouldn't be bringing up the age gap if you didn't have very young children depending on you when you began the relationship. I realize that you didn't know the molestation information when you got involved with him, but simply the fact that the average 22 year old man has very little, if nothing, to offer financially and in emotional and mental maturity for another five or more years when you have young children to raise...I'm left wondering what potential you saw in the relationship from the beginning.
He might have been molested by someone and thought that it was ok inturn that is why he did it to his sister. If you stay with him, he needs to seek a therapist ASAP.
I know I would not leave someone around my children.
Also I have to question the age. 22...at 22 you are very very different then someone who is 38. Everything about your life is different.
I know I would not leave someone around my children.
Also I have to question the age. 22...at 22 you are very very different then someone who is 38. Everything about your life is different.
Run and run fast,your not stuck,think of ur kids,follow the gut feeling.get him locked up there is no way of being sure he has stop.and his mother was wrong,to not to have him helped of thorwn in jail.honey leave him.and have ur kids Drs examined them just to be on the safe side.
There is no thinking about it...get out! He can say he won't do anything until he's blue in the face...but how can you be sure? Do you want to even risk it?
Like someone said above he'll have to pay child support. He has no choice there.
But for the sake of the girls and your peace of mind...get out.
Like someone said above he'll have to pay child support. He has no choice there.
But for the sake of the girls and your peace of mind...get out.
You are definitely not stuck. I know it might feel that way, but no matter if you live together or not, he WILL support your child. The law will MAKE him.
You want to believe him, but can you afford to be wrong? So his sister was TEN when this started? she hadn't even hit puberty - that makes him a child molester in my book.
Also - if he was molesting his sister, whether or not they actually had sex, that boy was NOT a virgin...so don't let him play the innocent card.
I really think it's time to file for custody and walk away now. If he's willing to molest his own SISTER, what compunction is he going to have about molesting two young girls who are not related to him at all? that is to say - what's stopping him from doing stuff to your daughters? stuff HE might see as innocent - groping, rubbing, touching...but that is absolutely unacceptable and harmful.
Please...go with your gut. this is NOT a good situation. no matter what, he will support your child. he has to. by law. and you cannot afford to be wrong about this. he has a history...and a recent history, at that. I really think you need to get out NOW before your daughters pay the price for hesitation or "wanting to believe him". Sorry if that seems harsh, but I was molested for years by my older cousin and it was horribly damaging. Protect your babies! his feelings mean less than P-iss in the wind when it comes to keeping them safe.
You want to believe him, but can you afford to be wrong? So his sister was TEN when this started? she hadn't even hit puberty - that makes him a child molester in my book.
Also - if he was molesting his sister, whether or not they actually had sex, that boy was NOT a virgin...so don't let him play the innocent card.
I really think it's time to file for custody and walk away now. If he's willing to molest his own SISTER, what compunction is he going to have about molesting two young girls who are not related to him at all? that is to say - what's stopping him from doing stuff to your daughters? stuff HE might see as innocent - groping, rubbing, touching...but that is absolutely unacceptable and harmful.
Please...go with your gut. this is NOT a good situation. no matter what, he will support your child. he has to. by law. and you cannot afford to be wrong about this. he has a history...and a recent history, at that. I really think you need to get out NOW before your daughters pay the price for hesitation or "wanting to believe him". Sorry if that seems harsh, but I was molested for years by my older cousin and it was horribly damaging. Protect your babies! his feelings mean less than P-iss in the wind when it comes to keeping them safe.
His sister is 3 years younger. His mother found out and kinda swept it under the rug, making excuses for him. I dont know...he says he feels bad & is sorry, but he has this "sneakiness" about him...and I dont think he is sorry at all. I have 2 young daughters that I worried about. I honestly dont think he would harm them or that he is a "child molester"...but just knowing he has done this makes my skin crawl. Im so torn. I want to believe him, but I just dont think he's honest. He was a virgin until he met me, and seemed so "innocent"...but the more I find out, the more I feel I never really even knew him. Now Im "stuck" because we share a child.
First of all its his sister right? Underage sis at that right? Seems to have an obsession with his genitals and sex in general.... Well let me just tell ya this... I know a guy that molested his sister, just once. It was all chocked up to children going thru a phase, cept he was older as well (about 20). They both went their separate ways and he married a girl and had two children. When his da turned about 10 or so and started thru puberty, the dude started molesting his own da.
So follow your gut and get this guy out of your life and if you have other children keep them under close supervision when he is around as well as this little one. I really wish you could get away fro him altho that is hard now that he has a baby with you. You are spot on to worry....
So follow your gut and get this guy out of your life and if you have other children keep them under close supervision when he is around as well as this little one. I really wish you could get away fro him altho that is hard now that he has a baby with you. You are spot on to worry....
How old was she when it happened?? I'm guessing much younger??
I'd run. far away, and fast. Clearly his concept of family boundaries and age boundaries is blurred beyond what is acceptable in a father/husband..
File for custody, and run. I personally don't believe child molesters EVER reform.
I'd run. far away, and fast. Clearly his concept of family boundaries and age boundaries is blurred beyond what is acceptable in a father/husband..
File for custody, and run. I personally don't believe child molesters EVER reform.
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