attracted to another man should i leave my husband?

[Laurka]

HI!!! so glad i found this forum.. Hope to get some fresh opinion, please help! I have been married for over 3 years, no kids. Everything started from such a strong love... he proposed after three dates... we were married in 6 months. I am 25 years old now, and my husband is 42 years old... once upon a time, we used to have such a passionate and mind-altering intimate relationship.... however it's been so long ago... Now, we have sex once in three months. And i found myself in the situation when I am madly attracted to another man... with my whole heart and sexually...There is nothing i can do without thinking of him...think he is attracted to me as well (but he does not know i am married) and he is 24 years old we have more in common then i do with my husband. I now came to the conclusion that my sexual life with my husband is not going to improve in the future, and if i stay i will be stuck like this for the rest of my life... but i have so much respect for him

[venusenvy23]

There is nothing wrong with being attracted or fantasizing about other people. When those feelings become so strong that you can't control them, then there is a problem. I have been attracted to others throughout my marriage, but I know that I still love my husband. Gosh, you sound so much like me. I was 18 when I met my husband. He was 40. We are now 26 and 49, respectively. Our sex life has suffered dramatically, due to medical reasons, and I can promise you, if I didn't fantasize about others, I would have definitely cheated. You are the only one who can decide if you love him and want to stay. Is there any hope that the sex can improve? Are you attracted to your husband at all? Are you in a comfortable place and scared of change? If you do want to work on your marriage, I suggest counseling. We attended couples therapy and it did help. Oh, and does your husband know how you are feeling, not neccessarily the attraction to another person, but how you feel within your marriage? If not, maybe you should talk to him. Just remember, this is your life and you must do what makes you happy. I hope you work things out for yourself.

[Laurka]

Thank you very much for your comment and understanding... that's the point... there is no hope. We have tried different types of counselling... still, think it helped me realise that i am not sexually attracted to my husband anymore, and that i love him more just like a friend and companion. You are so right! I am indeed in a very comfortable place

[RockRose]

I think there's some value in realizing you made a mistake,  you rushed into marriage without even knowing him,  and you married a man way too old for you.  

Since you don't have kids,  and it doesn't seem like this marriage has a chance of making you happy (and that means in the future,  he will also become unhappy by proxy) it might be time to admit your mistake and end it.

It doesn't have to be that you end up with the other "new" guy - in fact that's probably fairly unlikely - but if you're already this unhappy,  it might be time to listen to the voice.

[Laurka]

yes that's true...it might actually be the truth i have been avoiding... but how do you phrase it? how do you tell that to Him? do you leave to be on your own for a while? do you burn all the bridges right there and then? or do you take it steady, and leave yourself an option of coming back?..

i think what i am scared of is not knowing how many "frogs" i'll have to kiss before i find "the" guy... and then being back to this forum (don't get me wrong, i love this, it is actually the only place when i am so honest and open!!)  but with different question: "shall i end it, because he did not propose?" LOL!!! ... so confused now.. please stop the world i need to get off!! :) help! is it only me, or does every woman goes though these dilemmas?? how do you leave secure home? (well even "secure" can be questioned now)

[blackrose]

My sister is going through the same thing,with her husband.She has been married two times.The first marriage only lasted a year and a half.The second one has lasted 17 years.They are going to separate,but see each other on the side.He is in his fifties,she is 38.There sex life fell apart.He has been having trouble with his prostate,he more than likely has prostate cancer.They are going to separate after Christmas so that they can spend Christmas to gether with there daughter,who is having a hard time with this.I allso think that is another reason why,they are going to see,each other on and off,for the sake of there daughter.Your husband proposed only after three dates?He was looking for companion ship,not for love,to last.Thats what happened to my momma and daddy.They stayed married though,because they had three children.He passed away last year.My momma is now a widow.You where not ready for marriage,I think it would be best,to leave before you do have children,then you want lieve for the fear of not having enough support.Wait until after the first of the year,to talk to your husband,then you both decide what you will do,if you do it in the right way,you can still be friends,I think you all so don't want to lose him,with out being able to be friends.Do it in the right way,and there is still a chance of you two staying friends.My hubby is 16 years older than me,but we are very happy.If you are not happy,in this marriage,then do something about it.Like I said before wait until after Christmas.Have one last Christmas with him,for him and you.Hope every thing goes O.K. for you.Take Care.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Don't worry about finding "Mr Right", figure out who you are, what you want.  Pursue your dreams, reach for the stars and when the time is right you will meet the right one.

I agree that perhaps you married too young to someone who was too old.

I married for the first time at 35 and it was the perfect time. I had a rich full life when I met my husband, wasn't looking for a relationship, had stopped man hunting and what do you know, God sent me my wonderful husband.

[peekawho]

I stopped man-hunting too, and look where it got ME!

[Laurka]

thank you ever so much for your kind words!!! it kind of gives me some hope... :)... i was thinking of talking to him after the New Year, i so don't want to hurt him..... he loves me...(and deeply care for him) also i know for a fact that he could be the best friend i've ever had!

[Laurka]

what is the right way? complete honesty? or soft diplomatic approach?

do you find the place to move first or do you tell first?

p.s. we do not fight at all, always discuss and compromise, however he is not even aware (not even suspicious) of me contemplating the seperation, so it will be like a snow in the middle of the hot summer for him...

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I would wait for the New Year.  I would tell him before you start looking for a place.

I would talk to an attorney before you approach him.  Even the nicest guy can become a beast during a separation.

Firm, but kind is the approach I would take.  Make sure you know in your heart that this is exactly what you want before you leap.  And don't do it for this other guy....only do it if it is what you need to.


c

[Laurka]

i know this might sound crazy but ... yesterday i only had the urge to leave and start living MY life..

but today i have the second voice shouting back at me:

" what are doing! how are you going to make without him?! You are just bored out of head! Stay! You will regret it!!"

and there is a second voice screaming inside

"Free me!!! I want to go and live my life! See what life has to offer! You can make it! You will be happy! Go date or do whatever you can, if the problems were not fixed within last 2 years, they are not going to fixed later, that's how you will be stuck for the rest of your life!! Open your eyes!!"

I should go and see the attorney anyway i think......

[PlateletGal]

Hi Laurka,

I disagree with the other poster. Your husband sounds like he's never treated you badly so I think you should consider speaking to him before the attorney. The reason being, is that if you talk to an attorney first and he finds out, it will be a double stab in the back to him and hurt him even worse.

[robbiecriss]

I have never responded to a post like this before but as I read yours I guess I just don't understand. I always thought love was more than feeling something or a good sex life or being happy. I always thought love was commitment to a person unconditionally regardless of if my needs were met or not. Certainly we need to be open and communicate what we feel but unconditional love does not say I love you IF you meet my needs or I love you BECAUSE you make me happy. Real love says I love you period. In fact the true test of love is actually when our needs are not met. And going to someone else closer to your age that you FEEL love for does not mean in 6 months or a year you won't "fall out of love" again or he won't fall out of love with you. I would try to be open with your husband, have a heart to heart talk and try to work it out. Marriage is too sacred to just throw away. I am sorry if I seem insensitive. I really don't mean to be.

[Laurka]

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice, just wanted to let you know that i've had a very long and tearfull conversation with my husband when i told him everything about my thoughts and feelings and the past... and i feel so relieved! We decided that i would go and do some councelling sessions with the proffesional, who specialises in rape victoms first... to identify the root of my inner conflicts, and he would wait for me outside. Then going to get some sex councelling for married couples .. revamping the intim life. and if after all of these i still feel like i want to leave ...he will let me do that...but until then it's a big NO NO.

Guess what? after i've had an open conversation with my husband i don't feel anything toward this other man... or any men in fact! So strange... don't know why! Maybe this is what i should have done long time ago... I've got hope for my little family now! :)

xx

[Liza55]

You've come to the conclusion that your life and sex life will not improve??? The grass is greener where you water it. You seem to have ducked out. There are options still to try! Therapy- finding the right one for you both is the hardest part. Support groups, books, retreats, seminars- there's tons geared completely to reigniting love and passion in a marriage. Your committment should be there (and leave the coworker alone). If you cant stay faithful to your husband, then leave and stop being so incredibly selfish (maybe someone won't treasure me the same way?). He doesn't know he's treasuring someone who wishes to be with someone else, or at least not with him. It may sound harsh, but most people in your situation are looking for a way to rationalize reasons to go where the new passion is. I have been there! and although that guy I left my husband for turned out to be the biggest nightmare of my life, I eventually did accept that no matter what, I should live a life without my first husband. Thankfully, yrs. later I have found true love again. I say if you don't want to work at this relationship, leave and settle this part of your life before starting anything new...

[GirlyGurlMommy]

I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been going through something so incredibly similar. Except. I got pregnant young (with him) and now we have 2 kids. I have been trying to determine whether its my relationship with HIM I have a problem with, the life of socialization I WOULD have had had I not gotten pregnant so young, or the goals that I have set for myself havent been accomplished and Im feeling the unhappiness from that.

Every relationship goes through a rut every now and again. It happens. If you feel that this could just be a rut and possibly improved over some time and work then try to stick it out. I know its hard to get those feelings out of your head. Believe me..I know. But.. the grass is not always greener on the other side. I left for a short period of time and realized that it really isnt what I thought it would be. That I have a good thing here and I do love him (although he drives me insane sometimes)

[idesofmarch]

First of all relationships that you leave a marriage for usually do not last.  Also men are not here to make you happy that is your job.  If you are not happy with yourself noone else will be good enough for you in your eyes.  The pursuit is always better than the catch. If your husband is basicly a good guy who spoils you then maybe it is just too easy for you, some people feel better when challenged. Just that sound like you?  Love is a choice, through good times & bad.  It isn't always going to feel like it was early  in the relationship.  Nothing ever does, like new jobs, new homes, new cars. There is a high that comes with newness. Try "dating" your husband again.  Think about what attracted you to him.  Get some therepy not a new guy, or you'll be in this place again & again no matter who you're with. Sorry to be so blunt but this is life not high school. If you want children & he doesn't, that would be the only real reason to leave the marriage.  But make sure you get therepy before you have kids, alone & as a couple.

[apolonia]

Laurka, I understand you perfectly well! I´m 34. Dated my husband for 8 years and been married 4. We are going through a difficult crisis because he works soooooo much and we´ve grown appart. And in all thius time that i felt abandoned i started having an affair with somenone younger than him, woth whom i feel i have more things in common. We are more  compatible no doubt. My husband works too much, doesnt laugh with me anymore and has no time to do things together. But offers economical stability. That is all. He is now trying to make an effort but i fell its too late. Im not in love with him. Sex has never been a problem. But his lack of interest and commitment are. Besides he doesnt want children and I do. I don´t know if leaving him is the right decision. I know marriage has ups and downs. But I feel Im waisting my life at home, waiting for him to want to do things with me. Dont get me wrong! I go out and try to stay busy. everybody need time alone. But i have TOOOOO MUCH time for myself!!! What should I do?

[chigirl29]

Your post made me think of my marriage...
My husband is always at work too.
Did you know he did not want kids before the marriage?

I talked to my husband repeatedly about the problem of him working so much and how he treated me when he was at home.  I realized he is just tired.  He apologized for his lack of care and now we both work on trying to make time for each other.

It is normal to want to stray when your husband does not pay any attention to you--affair or no affair--a marriage is a marriage.

You can make it better or you can let it suffer.

I once thought I wanted a divorce, but I realized that I just don't believe in divorce.  Divorce is the dissolution of something that cannot really be dissolved--vows taken for better or worse.

I'm happy with my decision, but you have to examine your own belief system (not just emotions) and find out what is the best decision for you.

Good luck with your process.

By the way, I have learned that being in love and loving someone are two different things...and the latter is far more rewarding:)

[SeriousSam]

I can't comment on this.  You said you are 25 and you used the term a long time ago?

The post just seemed shallow for me to get my mind around tonight.  Sorry.

[bananaangel]

I feel the same way.

I started dating my husband when I was 17, im now 25. I almost left a few times because I was unhappy with the way things were going but he kept persuading me to stay and things would get better. I didn't want to become another 'relationship didn't work' statistic.

We had our first child 6 months through our relationship.
We had another child a few years later.

We have had a troubled relationship all these years, and I've found we don't really have much in common. Now we barely talk to each other although I try, he just isn't interested. We got married, we hoped this would help our relationship as we have been trying to work things out.

Our sex life however, is absolutely fantastic. I have always enjoyed it as much as he has, but I feel that our sex life is the only thing we (besides our children) have now. I'm worried that when the sex life dies, one of us will get bored and leave.

Its not working for me though, because I am feeling like I am looking for qualities he doesnt have in other men, and I feel so bad, but I cant help it because I am sooo unhappy here. Help! :(

[jo929]

you knew what you were gettig into when you married you must have a great guy for putting up with you i know this couple  her husband had cancer the whole works they had to do a lot of things he cant have sex she regrets that he cant that was 4 years ago she is still with him she said she married him for better or for worse she is one great person and she does not run around on him. to me you sound like a selfish person and will probably leave in the long run   jo

[dazedtoday]

Hello all. I also can relate to your situations but I think that I am really in a mess at this point of my life. I have been with my husband for 14 years. We were highschool sweethearts so we are both in our thirties. 14 years and two very wonderful children and I still feel attracted to other men. My problem is that I have always deeply loved my husband and never got the attention or compassion from him. In fact my husband has a very bland personality, period. I met someone else a while back and my husband found out. We seperated for about a week and then he came home. And although I got back with him I am still seeing the other man. (I know, wow) The thing is, my husband is the hottest guy I have ever layed eyes on, he is also wonderful in the bedroom, but he just never talked and we really have nothing (besides the children) in common. I have never truly been happy with him but was always proud to be his wife and just felt that I made the vow so to bad. The new man in my life is the total opposite. He makes me smile and laugh non-stop, and we are almost too much alike. It is wonderful when I am with him. I feel amost complete. When I am not, I go insane trying to act as if I am still happy with my husband because yes i stayed with him for the children and for financial reasons. Now comes the dilema of not being able to look at myself in the mirror and feeling like a huge sinner. I would reccomend to anyone who is ever thinking of having an affair to just block the thought out and try to make your marriage work first. If and when it does not work and you decide to leave, do it. Then worry about meeting someone else because the troubling thoughts and inner fight you will experience is not fun. As far as my situation is going well, I still don't know what the heck I am doing but I can't seem to leave the other man and really don't want to tear my family apart but feel that it is the only option. Reading all of your comments though have really made me think that maybe I am just being premature on leaving and to give up my happiness for my family and eventually I will be able to rekindle something with my husband. I just don't know. I do know that counsling is not an option because he doesn't believe in it and if I tell him I am having any negative thoughts he will be gone. So if anyone has any advice for me, I would be more than happy to hear it. Thank you.

[jo929]

I think the song goes---has the new worn off of your crystal chandeliers, and does his ring hurt your finger when you go out at night if you are going to cheat, might as well go for the divorce , i do not think it is right to go behind some-ones back, might as well leave, and give the husband a chance to find someone else,I have seen lots of this, and they always think the grass is greener on the other side  jo