biology said yes, relationship says no

[kjbandme]

I'm 41 and 6 weeks pregnant for the very first time. It was unplanned. I was using the fertility awareness method (FAM) and just got overly confident I guess-- honestly didn't think I could get pregnant.  The relationship is only six months old, love each other but he's younger (34) and not ready, neither do I feel ready-- he definitely wants to have an abortion. I've been feeling so sick lately that I can't seem to get my head around a decision but I know I have to... I still just can't believe I'm pregnant.  Want to hear from ladies out there with similar experiences or insights in this situation.  How would I do this alone? How do you do this with an unwilling partner?

[mami1323]

Beautiful put Agiesmom.  That was so eloquent.  I don't think anyone could've said it any better.  I almost cried reading it.

[Agiesmom]

I'm not going to give you an "if it were me..." reply.  That kind of thing really isn't relevant or even accurate, to be honest.  We can imagine what we think we would likely do (and believe with all our hearts that we would definitely do it), but we don't know for certain until we're there.  So this decision is on you.

I just wanted to comment on your asking all the moms who say "have the baby" if they have satisfying careers and passions besides their kids.  That question makes it blaringly obvious that you don't get it, but it's really not possible for you to get it from your perspective.

I am a mother.  I have a career.  I own a business and I'm passionate about a lot of things--but NOTHING I do, in my opinion, is more important than being a mother.

When I die, no one will give a flying poo that I did a great job writing our employee handbook or that I worked hard to get our employees great benefits or that I had a hand in growing our company.  Or that I have wonderful parties or that I decorate my home nicely.  My employees don't look into my eyes with love that is totally indescribable.  They don't make me feel a way I once never imagined possible.  My friends won't tell their grandkids about the wonderful memories they have of me and things we did together.

But my kids view me in a very different and beautiful light--I have a special, one-of-a-kind relationship with them and my memory will live on through them...the way I carry on my great-grandmother's memory by naming my daughter after her and singing songs to my kids that she sang to me as a child and telling them wonderful stories about her and taking them to Ireland to meet her nieces and see the home she grew up in and the school and Church she went to before she came to America on ship as a steerage passenger.

That's what matters in life, really, but I think that in order to "get" that, you need to live it--or long to live it.  No one here or anywhere else can describe it in a way that will make you truly grasp the magnitude of it.  And I think this is the perspective from which those who are telling you to have the baby are coming.

All that said, I'm sure there are some people who live it but still don't get it.  But I'm glad I do.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you happiness and peace.

[K1990]

Good idea sweetpea!

[sweetpea03]

funny that your profile says male.... ??

anyways here are some numbers for pregnancy help:
Carenet/Heartbeat 1-800-395-HELP
Crisis Pregnancy Helpline 1-888-4-OPTIONS
Birthright 1-800-550-4900
National Life Center 1-800-848-LOVE
Bethany Christians Services 1-800-238-4269

or better yet:
1-800-395-HELP. It's a crisis pregnancy help line that can connect pregnant women to the closest crisis pregnancy center in their area. they provide FREE STD testing, FREE pregnancy testing, and FREE medical/prenatal care. they will provide financial, medical, and emotional help for the woman, all FREE of charge.
if she is alone, or needs a place to stay, they can provide her with shelter. all free of charge. these crisis pregnancy centers will help her arrange for an adoption referral, or help her in any way they can if she decides to raise the child herself.
again, the number is 1-800-395-HELP. it's FREE.

[Lady_Baglady]

Wow. Just wow, you're words, "I am built THE SAME as you, inside and out, I have THE SAME emotions... yet, I am very different" are the best words I've heard in a really long time. Thank you for simply posting that, great quote. Is this a quote or from your mind?

That being said, kjbandme, how selfish. It's alright for you to "fool around", but when it comes to the responsibilities of life you consider terminating it? You're killing a life. A child, something that could be a wonderful thing to this world. Think about more than yourself. At least consider adoption. There are thousands of women and men out there who can't have children, but want nothing more than to have a family. You should consider that kind of thing before you make a conscious decision to have sex.
Or just don't have sex at all. No matter what kind of protection you're using there's nothing that's 100%, and you should keep that in mind. How would you feel if you knew that you were unwanted in this world? EVERY life is valid. Including that child's. But when it all comes down to it, that's something you will have to life with though, not us. Most women regret that. And did you know, that women who get abortions are at bigger risk for Breast Cancer?

http://erlc.com/article/abortion-and-breast-cancer-the-link-that-wont-go-away

http://www.investigatemagazine.com/mar3abrt.htm

http://www.nrlc.org/news/2005/NRL03/Brind.html

[BabyHardiman]

My sweet angel is asleep in her crib right now, while I sit at my computer eating a nice big bowl of banana pudding.  I am thankful to the good Lord for my beliefs, and that I will forever have a constant companion to love for the rest of my life.  SHE is my biggest accomplishment, and I happy that I can share her with the rest of the world.  

To think of life without my blue eyed sweetie makes me hurt inside.  

I am not sure who you called a judgemental piece of ****, but I know it was not directed towards me.  I am a proud mother, and I am a WOMAN... I am built THE SAME as you, inside and out, I have THE SAME emotions... yet, I am very different.  

[GRose]

I agree with K1990
I find it very interesting that a 41 year old women can't take responsibility for her actions.
BH loves being a mother, she is in no way bored with it.
Must be hard to be so cold hearted.

[K1990]

Okay finished reading your posts and think honestly abortion might be best for the baby if you aren't going to act 41 and but it up for adoption.  After your comments I'm pretty sure your childs life would be worse with you than anyone else.  So either adoption or abortion for you and we will all pray you never get pregnant again because clearly it wont work out for the child.  Sorry to be mean but it's very clear after you cuss out someone who has been on this site a long time and gives great advice.

BabyHardiman~ I wish I could have said no comment also I just couldn't stand back!

[K1990]

You had sex you got pregnant if you can't act like an adult at 41 years old then god bless that baby.  But it up for adoption if you don't want it and never have sex again since you can't take responsiblity for your actions!

[Baba123]

I think this comment was directed to me....however I will not react to it....you are  so full of hate and it makes me wonder who really is the bad one.....YOU or your spouse..
I have two  very beautiful HAPPY children and  happy not borring beautiful wife and you have no right to comment  badly about them or anybody for that matter. I saw few posts of yours and if it's not the way you want them to sound you scratch peoples eyes out. Obviously you can't take constructive criticism either...One thing to remember???!!!:
"What goes around comes around".

[kjbandme]

Thank you all for your comments.

Frankly, knowing that people like you all are out there... a mix of compassionate and loving souls and then some real cold-hearted judgmental pieces of **** who should not even have been allowed to have babies... makes the decision that much harder.

I'm signing off.

[Baba123]

I did not read whole thread just your post!
From a man point of view: if you wanted to play with FAM?  why  you want to loose the baby by mc or do an abortion...this baby might change your life forever and this choice will be the best you made....you can find another younger man who will accept you and your baby!!!! Drop the jerk keep the baby..

[fung]

I didnt read all the comments here- I just read yours. I'd done abortion about 6 th week pregnancy on my 3 rd child when I was 36-that was 7 years ago. . Everybody around me against it-including my husband. But I thought then- I was the one who knew what to do for my future. I just had my second child-happened to be Down syndrome, unexpectedly  1 yr later I found my self pregnant again. It's different situation with you-but I had the same battle in my thought as you. I had to concentrate on my second child who need extra for everything-financially and attention. At that time, my husband and I had a very bad financial problem. So I chose not to have another child and did an abortion. I never regret it because I'm the one who's in charge for my future. And it turned out a good decision to take.
So, now it's between you and your baby-leave your partner out because you can't depend on him anymore. Ask yourself -What do you want your 10 years life ahead to be? you'll be a mom to a 9 years old  girl or still free and a single career woman.
It's your decision to make .
Good luck

[SeriousSam]

Didn't think so.

[BabyHardiman]

NO COMMENT!

[GRose]

I feel like the fact that you have waited such a long time to make your decision kinda shows that part of you really wants this baby. I don't want you to ever look back and regret your decision.
I also worry about you and the negative effects of having an abortion past the first trimester will have on your body (if you wait much longer).
I hope you don't take that as preaching because believe me you would know if I was preaching about this.
Good luck and I hope you make the right choice for you and your baby.

[kjbandme]

I guess if I miscarried right now I'd be somewhat relieved that this ordeal is over, maybe sad too, but glad that it's behind me. I'd end things with the father for good and never look back.  I'd be better for this whole experience.  At least I now know I can get pregnant and there may be another opportunity. If not, I will have to come to terms with that too.

[angelica122]

dear i hope u decide soon.... its a long time d time u came on medhelp n askd to people who hav been showerin burnin remarks out here!!!

i wud say if u dnt think u want d baby dnt take tht much time else things mite get critical... n u hav a life ahead of u n no1z as important as ur own self!! so i wud request u to get selfish n think!!!

[BabyHardiman]

How would you feel if you miscarried your baby right now?

[kjbandme]

also please don't respond if your respect for LIFE does not include the life of the mother.

thank you!!

[kjbandme]

one more thought:

I'd be curious to know how many women are posting and saying have the baby, that already have a satisfying career or a passion in their life other than their children.

[kjbandme]

update... you can also see my more recent post, He said WHAT?!!

Thank you everyone for all the advice that is given in good spirit. Again, I can do without the judgmental ones, so please don't waste your time on me if you are not being into being kind.  I know these forums can get pretty blunt.

I am not considering adoption so please stop sending me notes about that.  Re: abortion: again, please don't send moralistic preachy stuff. We all have an opinion, I understand it's a very primal thing and everyone is very charged about it but if you are truly trying to help please hold your tongue on the "I would never do that"  it's not helpful.

That said, to the truly interested and compassionate hearts out there:

I am truly between a rock and a hard place. I have now gone from 6 to 10 weeks and from ambivalent partner to non-existent partner.  And yes, I am still undecided and yes, I know I am running out of time.  I have gone back and forth so many times my head hurts. I am fully aware of the magnitude of my decision and yes, I am all too aware that this could be my one and only chance.  But then again, it might not be. Anyone got the crystal ball out there???

On a brighter note, I feel physically better so I feel better able and in a better state of mind to make a decision I can live with.

Thank you for thinking of me.

[BabyHardiman]

Can I ask what you decided to do?

[Glo_worm]

i'm sorry but i do not feel that abortion is even an option. Do you realize how many people would give anything to be a parent and biology says no? if your partner is not ready and you don't think you are ready then i think you should consider adoption. or like others have said if you have a change of heart when you see that beautiful life moving on that monitor then you should have your parter see it also. if he doesn't want to be a parent and you do then you don't need him you just be the best dern mom you can be and give the baby all the love in your heart and you will do just fine. :)