boyfriends daughter needs too much attention

[mommycbc]

my boyfriend has a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship and I have a 3 year old daughter and a 4 year old autistic son from a previous relationship weve been together for 2 years and in between that time weve had a son who is now 1. I feel like my boyfriend is way too close to his daughter and doesn't seem to have enough room for me the things he discusses with her are things that I feel he should be talking to be about and things that I don't feel as though a 7 year needs to know or discuss for example my boyfriends dad went to rehab he discussed all of it with her I don't think that is something a 7 year old needs to know my approach would be papaw went on vaction, on top of all of it the mother likes to get involved and tell me how things are going to go. also the mother always likes to play that the daughter has all kinds of medical problems for awhile she was telling everyone at the soccer fields that her daughter had cancer because her white blood cell count was high a couple of months later it was conformed she doesn't not have cancer im a medical student I know all the procedures in order to say if someone has cancer if there was even a slight question about it the doctors would figure it out immediately not over a 5 month period. the mom is always wanting to say there is something seriously life threatening wrong with her child its getting to the point where I feel as though the mom has a serious problem. but a thing I cant stand about my bofriend and his daughters relationship that I cant stand is he drops everything to run and do things for her and her mom and example would be his daughter was at childrens getting routine blood work nothing serious and he was at work the mom called him saying she is crying she wants her dad so he left work and went there to hold her while she gets her blood drawl. the workers there were very concerned for the daughters behavior over the way she acted over the situation and the dr recommended that the daughter needed to seek help for that. im a mother of an autistic child we are always doing some kind of lab and he does throw fits but he doesn't speak or understand what Is going on but I NEVER have to call his dad to come hold him because he is scared. another situation I don't find appropriate is when my boyfriend( who is living in my house and I pay all the bills and struggle while doing so) got his refund check the first person he called was his daughter and told her that he would pick her up after school take her to get a smart phone and take her shopping I was in the very next room completely unaware of this next thing I know the mother is calling him and he wouldn't answer I was confused and asked why finally he admitted that he called his daughter I gave my input and I said I feel as though she is way too young for a phone she is NEVER  without an adult that is just silly and that I feel as though since he got all of this money for claiming our son who I pay everything for and he is living with me that he first needs to help with the bills and buy our son things that he needs he pays child support for her but doesn't give me a dime for our son. well he got mad called his ex said I was talking **** about their daughter which I wasn't I just said a 7 year old doesn't need a cell phone and certainly doesn't need a smart phone well that turned into a huge argument im a crazy stupid ***** blah blah blah also my boyfriend talks to his daughter over 10 times a day I understand wanting to be in contact but I feel like there needs to be a limit he does have another family he needs to attend to its hard for me to do everything around the house while he just sits on the phone and talks and there is no time limit to when its too late to call she wakes my other children up mulitiple times a week by calling and when I say something to him im a horrible jealous person im not jealous at all over the situation but there needs to be boundaries she still sleeps in the bed with him so im kicked out of my own bed or they sleep in the living room there is also no bed time so when they do sleep in the living room my children and I have to be extra quiet not to wake them in the morning or once again im the bad person

help on the situation?

[Chima7]

Why did you get involved with a guy who isn't working? That was your first huge mistake. I'd leave the stuff with his kid on the back burner for now and force him to start working or else kick his lazy butt out on the street. Why are you putting up with THAT? That's a major issue, far more serious than anything about his kid. Do something about his lazy mooching behavior and worry about the rest of it later!

[TTinKKerBBell]

Your concern for the attention He gives His Daughter seems to me the least of Your issues.  Frankly, I don't see that as a problem.  This happens so often.  Most likely He doesn't love that Daughter any more than His other Children but SHE is the one who is not living with Him.  Perhaps He feels He has to make that up to Her somehow.  Perhaps You misunderstand His feeling for that.  Too late now, You have a family with Him also, but my oh my, it would save SO much grief if we looked at these situations more carefully BEFORE we marry a man who already has other children.
You should consider family counseling
GoodLuck

[specialmom]

Hi, coming back to correct something I wrote.  While I can understand why he would like her to have a phone---  I can see why you'd be frustrated that he used what little money he had to go get her one when he doesn't contribute.  I do get that.  I thought about that and yes, that does seem inappropriate.  I think that talking about how money is spent especially since he's not a financial contributor together would be good.  BTW, when I speak of having a phone I can give to my kids at times I deem necessary,, it is a phone that*I* have control over and is an inexpensive flip phone just to get the job done of getting in touch with me via calling or text.  Nothing fancy with very limited minutes.  

Anyway, does your husband care for the other kids while you work by the way?

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Well, first, you sure have your hands full with a 4 year old on the spectrum, a 3 year old and a one year old PLUS paying all the bills.  And you are in med school?  Wowie, hats off to you as that is a LOT on your plate.  You must wish for 50 hours in a day to get it al done.  

Now, I see a real problem with your man for the fact that he doesn't contribute financially to your living expenses.  Why is that not your main concern?  What does he do for a living?  Where does he work?  What's his reason for not contributing?  And why do you put up with that?  I really see that as a  huge problem.

As to his daughter, you'll probably never get me to say that a parent is giving too much attention to their child.  I think that part of it is wonderful to be honest.  Wouldn't you LOVE the father of your first two kids to be that involved and that close to your kids?  Nothing warms my own heart personally than seeing my kids father dote on them.  BUT . . .   I'm not comparing what my husband does for our kids to what he does for other kids.  That's where it gets tricky.  You feel like he does TOO much for her compared to what he does for his shared child with you and his step kids.  Maybe work on him being more close to the other kids is the route to take rather than having an expectation that he is less close to his daughter?

And the ex is something everyone in a situation of kids from a previous relationship has to deal with.  Your boyfriend's best bet is to stay friendly with her and you too.  Then it is not a fight and more peaceful to deal with her.  Even if she is a little kooky.  As long as she isn't dangerous, try not to judge or get involved.  And I suspect your boyfriend wants his daughter to have a phone not because she isn't always with an adult but so she can stay connected to HIM when she is with her mom.  Seems reasonable to me and I'd do the same for my kid if I wasn't with them all the time.  In fact, I have an 8.5 year old and a 10 year old and we are getting a phone for them to have periodically like when they go to a sports practice or a friends house so they can call us if something happens.  tonight my 8.5 year olds swim practice got canceled after 20 minutes into it due to lightening.  I had no idea.  His coach finally called me and other parents so we could come get the kids.  The kids who have phones made the call themselves and were gone by the time I got there.  it's a 'connected' world.  No . . .  I wouldn't allow my kids at that age free access to a phone but would allow them to use on to call me when they needed to.  

I think you'll have to tread lightly.  He seems content with his relationship with his daughter and you don't describe anything 'bad' other than their relationship annoys you.  So, you'll get push back with that.  Instead, try to get him to be closer to the other kids especially the child you two made together.  And maybe have your ex get more involved with the kids that aren't his.  Plan some family things for you all and see if you can get past this.  Otherwise, he may get really mad at you for suggesting that he's 'too' close to his daughter.  When you adore your child, that's it.  He adores his daughter it sounds like.  That isn't wrong----  its just making you feel like the rest of you are in second place to her.  Maybe you are or you aren't . . .but try to help him value the rest of you as much as her.

And try to encourage him to help out financially.  That will be best for all involved.  good luck