Should I try to leave?

[lonelymommyof2]

I have been married for 15 years, most of which I have been unhappy.  My husband travels 4 days out of the week and on those days we often just have 1 brief phone call with each other. When he is home he still does not seem to want to talk to me or spend time with me.  I used to try and talk to him but after being shut out for so long, it does not seem worth the effort anymore. I feel like a bother and I feel like he plays mind games with me and is passive aggressive.  He avoids having discussions with me and is very distant.  I do not feel like I even know him and I feel like I annoy him. I often look forward to when he goes out of town, but then I am also very lonely.  But when he is home I feel that I am constantly trying to read his mind and keep peace, otherwise I fear he will give me the cold shoulder and shut me out even more.  He does not like to discuss problems, but he does chose to ignore me or be particularly cold if he is upset with me, while not telling what is wrong. I feel inferior and in the way and like I am expecting too much to want to be an equal partner in this marriage. I have been a stay at home mom for 8 years and would like to go back to work part time, but he does not think that is a good idea. I think he might be okay if I did find a job, but I have such little self-esteem that I am scared to try.  And part of me would like to separate from him, but before kids I barely made enough money to support myself if needed.  Now I do not know how I could support myself plus 2 kids. I just think separating might shake him up enough to prompt him to fight for our marriage.  Something needs to give.  I am very intimated by him and just feel like he does not like me very much.  And I have been overeating for a while now - partially because I am lonely, depressed and feel out of control. I know he thinks I am fat and he does not like this, but if I loose weight it has to be for me, not him.  From past experience I feel that loosing weight for him might make him happy for a while, but then he would go back to shutting me out.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I'm sorry you are so lonely in your marriage.  That is so painful.  You must have an 8 year old as your oldest child then (me too).  I think looking for the part time job if your kiddos in school is a good plan.  I think just having that will build your confidence and also help you see that you have options in life.  It also may help him respect you more as an equal if you are contributing financially.  I know it is hard to manage things when a spouse travels a lot (mine does as well)----  but I think it will be a good idea for you to find a job.  Start there.  Your husband is neglectful and uses silence/coldness as his weapon, but he is not abusing you.  If you aren't ready to leave, then work on the plan.  I'd find a job and then tell him you are taking it.  

I agree that it would be excellent if you sought therapy as a couple but even if he won't do that, don't discount therapy for yourself.  It may help give you clarity on things.  Your insurance may pay for it and it would be worth discussing your emotions about your marriage with a professional as well as possible strategies for how to improve things.  A new set of eyes on the situation may give new ideas, believe it or not.  Or at least help you further with your plan of leaving.

Were you ever connected to him emotionally?  I ask that because you do seem so distant now.  I'm trying to figure out if you need to get back to where you once were or if you need to build a whole new relationship should you stick this out.  

Also, working part time and some online course work may help you with job prospects.  

Peace and luck

[kennimae92]

Have you suggested couples therapy to him? I would try working it out that way first before even considering or threatening to separate him. There was a reason you guys got married in the first place maybe you just need to find that again to rekindle your marriage.

I know there are quite a few long marriages that go down the drain because after having kids they become the priority and the marriage isn't anymore. You could also try a date night with him to a favorite restaurant and see how it goes.