So confused... what do I do???

[HaylzL88]

Ok I apologise if this drags a little but I feel to get an accurate opinion I need to be as truthful as possible...

I'm 23 - I've suffered with depression for a long time and just recently found myself a lot better than I used to be - I was prone to drinking binges, self harm, overdoses and suicidal thoughts/attempts... this is now behind me.

I met my ex in December 2009, within a few days of meeting we were engaged... it was love at first sight - we'd been friends for a while... well over the internet and MSN (he was a friend of my ex before that) and I'd always felt he was special even though we hadn't met and one day he told me how he felt and I felt the same and the rest is history.

Thing is he lives in France, at the beginning it was amazing - we were so so in love, he was so kind and generous and romantic - it was a fairytale... We planned our lives together, talking of a future and me moving over to France, and eventually starting a family. It was perfect. Then last year in August he was diagnosed with depression, he'd had it before but I think the fact I kept having to leave him and that he couldn't find a job just got all too much for him. We broke up and were back together within a week and I promised him I'd always be there and help him through it the best I could.

Then in New Year we broke up again, it totally ripped my heart out - I ended up in hospital after a large overdose and self harming and have been trying to get over it since.

We've remained friends and still talk from time to time - thing is, he went into a clinic for his condition because after being on all types of medication and therapies etc they still don't know why his depression is so bad, let alone how to solve it. Well when he went into the clinic he told me when he got better we could try again. Only just over a week ago he told me he found a gf there!!!!!

I since left him a few messages to let him know I'd still fight for him and that I wouldn't give up. In January I was offered a nanny job in France but was only to live with the family mon-fri so weekends were a problem. Then in July I went back to France, started another nanny job and was there for 3 days when the woman told me I had to go home - she hadn't told her husband I was coming and he wasn't best pleased!

So now I'm back in England... he text me yesterday saying that we'll never get back to how we were as neither of us are working and suffering with our mental health but I know, given the chance to get back out there and get a job we could make a proper go of things... I mean we hardly saw each other before, maybe every month or two. And I know he's confused but so am I, and scared of getting hurt again.

I'm looking into going back to France to work and see if we can be friends but after the let downs before I'm unsure if it's the right decision - even though I know he is the love of my life and we could make it work.

Please help!!! What would you do in my situation????

[1spartan]

I hope you don't take this the wrong way,  but when someone is very clear the relationship is over and the other person has moved on.... so should you.  I hate that life is this way but very few people have fairlytale romance and marriage.  What if you did break them up?  Do you think  he would come back?  It doesn't sound  like it to me.  When I was 22 I thought I found the love of my life.  Her family loved me,  I called her mom mom  too.  I was their family... until she broke it off.  Well, a year goes by,  God sends me the perfect wife to be, we get engaged, then all of a sudden the other one made a huge mistake. "I'll  marry you instaead"  It turned my stomach and ruined all the good memories I had of her. If you really love him,  if he really is getting better,  if he told  you it is really over,  accept the heartache, the crying, the sad days, and if you really, really love him,  be thankful he found someone that has helped him and loves him. Otherwise,  it is only heartache for all and most of all,  probably embarrassment for you in the end.  I hope I didn't hurt you,  I just care....spartan

[AnnieBrooke]

Besides what everyone else has said, please remember how easy it is to idealize long-distance relationships, especially when there is a lot of need in the people involved in them.  You might not have had the "love of your life" relationship in reality that you did in fantasy.  He's told you he's moved on, and you're still mapping out a fantasy of your own.  Unless you and he are exploring your future together, you have no business moving to chase him in a new country.

[Londres70]

To be perfectly honest, he has made it very clear how he feels and has mentioned some good points in regards to mental health and work status (unemployed) for the both of you.  

BTW:  Employment is not easy to find in France and you must know the language well.  

Plus, he has found someone else.  It would be kinda awkward to show up there and see him with his gf.  I mean, why put yourself through that?  

If I were you I WOULDN'T GO.  Bad idea to go.  Focus on getting your mental health better.  

Are you in therapy yourself and/or taking meds?  You sound more like you are Bipolar vs Depression.    

[specialmom]

Hi.  Thanks for all the detail, it helps.  

First, I want to talk about depression.  This is a not something you get because you are going through a hard time.  That may 'trigger' it but it is a chemical imbalance in the brain.  Once someone has had an episode, they are prone to more.  The more you have, well-----  it becomes something you must be ready for and accept as part of your life.  Constant treatment can be in order.  By that I mean---------  taking medication even when you feel things are okay, still continuing with therapy, still working programs to help with things like addiction, self harm, suicide, etc.  Doing all of the things you did while trying to recover from depression on a regular basis.  

Understanding that life circumstance doesn't actually cause depression is important.  You can be sad, blue even devastated and have times of feeling like you can't cope.  But that is different than clinical depression.  What you are being treated for is clinical in nature as is your ex boyfriend.  It is serious.  It should be your primary concern to heal from the depression.  I hope you see a psychiatrist, a psychologist and are taking your medication.

A move to France would NOT be wise.  You are high risk for a depressive episode there I fear.  Chasing the dream of getting back with an ex makes you very vulnerable.  And leaving your current set up where you can get help would make that vulnerability to risky considering you've been self harming and had suicide attempts.  It would not be in your best interest to go.

You need to work on healing your own life.  Build your inner self up right where you are so that you do not need a boyfriend, a job, or whatever to feel alright in this world.  You count on yourself to feel alright in this world.  Once you've done that------  life will be better for you and you will be in a better place to find a partner/boyfriend.  

And if you love your boyfriend---------- please also give him space to recover from depression.  He is telling you that now he can't do it.  Respect that for his health.

I do wish you luck.  Depression can be treated if you understand what it is and how to do it.  This should be your main focus.  good luck