Aa
depression
Been married 4 months, wife is now 7 weeks pregnant. before she became pregnant it was all lovi dovi in honeymoon stage. She has a 9 yr old daughter from prior relationship. Now days she calls me by name not our pet name, she is depressed, cuddles only with her daughter and excludes me the husband, she does not smile at me, she lost her glazy eyes with me, we argue cause I do everything wrong and she has to repeat herself to me, she does not look at me but her daughter when we are together. It appears I am now a problem to her and I do all the house work, laundry, take out trash, clean house etc. Am i doing something wrong or did she fall out of love with me. She no longer replies to my emails and seldom calls me on the way home like she used to do. All has turned negative towards me and I do not know what to do or think.
Are you at all close with her family? Would anyone maybe be willing to take the responsibility of suggesting counseling to her? I know it wouldn't be received well coming from you. You sound just like my husband did...he too was losing weight, and I don't think he was looking forward to coming home. You really should consider seeing a counselor yourself....I know you're trying so hard and eventually she'll come out of this but you've got to take care of you to take care of her, too.'
There's a wonderful forum on here Pregnancy 18-34 and I know you said your wife is older but I don't know as much about the pregnancy 35+ forum so I can't recommend them....but if you ever want to ask questions about what's going on with the baby I know the ladies on there would be thrilled to help you out.
Her withdrawal is becoming very serious and I really think that the best option would be to talk to someone that she trusts that you feel comfortable with and say that you really think that the pregnancy hormones are depressing her, and you're honestly worried about her and the baby. depression during pregnancy can be indicative of the potential for Post-Partum Depression after the baby is born which can be very dangerous and needs to be treated.
For now...do the best you can. I really do recommend seeing a therapist but of course you're always welcome to talk to me or anyone on the relationships forum if you need to vent; pretty much everyone on here is a very good listener and can help you get things out of your system. there are even a few guys who may have been in your shoes, I'm not sure though. If you don't want to look into the cost of therapy, maybe a religious leader of your chosen religion could help counsel you and give you some guidance...sometimes just having someone right there with you who is listening and caring can really help. do you have any friends of your own who can help you cope while this is going on?
You really are a fantastic husband and I know you're doing your best so just keep at it...but please try to find a way to help yourself as well because it sounds to me like you're drowning trying to help her and that's not fair either. As for the rift between your step-daughter and yourself, that might need family counseling as well because while your wife is depressed she's obviously not making the situation better and you don't want that relationship damaged.
Hang in there....you're doing the right things, but don't let despair overwhelm you.
There's a wonderful forum on here Pregnancy 18-34 and I know you said your wife is older but I don't know as much about the pregnancy 35+ forum so I can't recommend them....but if you ever want to ask questions about what's going on with the baby I know the ladies on there would be thrilled to help you out.
Her withdrawal is becoming very serious and I really think that the best option would be to talk to someone that she trusts that you feel comfortable with and say that you really think that the pregnancy hormones are depressing her, and you're honestly worried about her and the baby. depression during pregnancy can be indicative of the potential for Post-Partum Depression after the baby is born which can be very dangerous and needs to be treated.
For now...do the best you can. I really do recommend seeing a therapist but of course you're always welcome to talk to me or anyone on the relationships forum if you need to vent; pretty much everyone on here is a very good listener and can help you get things out of your system. there are even a few guys who may have been in your shoes, I'm not sure though. If you don't want to look into the cost of therapy, maybe a religious leader of your chosen religion could help counsel you and give you some guidance...sometimes just having someone right there with you who is listening and caring can really help. do you have any friends of your own who can help you cope while this is going on?
You really are a fantastic husband and I know you're doing your best so just keep at it...but please try to find a way to help yourself as well because it sounds to me like you're drowning trying to help her and that's not fair either. As for the rift between your step-daughter and yourself, that might need family counseling as well because while your wife is depressed she's obviously not making the situation better and you don't want that relationship damaged.
Hang in there....you're doing the right things, but don't let despair overwhelm you.
I am so sorry for you. It must really hurt. I was glad to hear that it was a planned pregnancy. Hopefully it is hormonal at this time. Have you ever seen the movie Fire Proof or tried the love dare book. My husband used it. Made a world of difference in our relationship.
I wanted to say thanks for yesterday. I went home and thought i share she did read the letter, she said it was nice but that was it. I am sure she is noticing my behaviour has changed since we got married. No matter how hard I try she just prefers others right now to me. She invited her friends for a cookout this sat never asked if i wanted my friends over. We are on a tight budget and that does not seem to matter.
Her daughter has to now cuddle with us every night sometimes 1/2 or more and we never have time for each other any more. She does not want time for us. We used to have fridays to ourselves but that is out the window, if we do go out her daughter has to come.
At night she embraces her daugher tight and they cuddle like mother and daughter should. I am almost 90% of the time excluded from their relationship. I make comments while watching tv and are not acknowledged. She pushes me to love her daughter and I do not like that. When i mention to her that her daughter is jealous of me cause I am taking her away from mom's time, she says now i have to watch out for your feelings too ah? I just shut up. I love the kid but she has taken away all rules from her and she does as she pleases.
I was writing back because you make sense and i like your feefback, it helps me to cope with all the tears i have inside. I went to cuddle with her last night and put my arm arounnd her after her daughter went to bed and she said, do not put your arm around me, I need to sleep. I turn around in bed and cry in silence and fall asleep.
I noticed yesterday she did wear to work a revealing top i guess making herself look attractive something not in her before. She does say i am fat now as she did last night and when i said to her, i love you the way you are and you are beautiful she said, just leave it alone.
She does talk about future things but that does not garantee me she still loves me. It is very hard to walk around all day working with butterflies of agony in your heart. I really do not want to come home anymore, i try and ofc ourse I cannot tell her these things cause i would hurt her but, I was looking at our marriage pictures and she was so happy, now all i see is another woman i do not know and no matter how much i love her it is starting to fade away.
Talking to her right now would only make matters worse. She mentioned to me last night these days i retrieve to the bedroom and asked me why, i said just relaxing, if i was to tell her what is in my heart she would blow me off and start an argument.
I am stopping all emails to her cause she does not reply anyway. I am leaving my cell at home on purpose so she cannot reach me. If she calls at her i can select to answer or not, before i would be overjoyed.
I love this woman so much, would do anyhting for her in this world to make her happy but i ask myself, how much can i do without feedback before i get tired. She is not the woman i married and if elect to suggest for her to seek counseling or see her doctor about depression and or her feelings, i know the answer, i do not need that she has mention this before on an ocassion about her daughter when i suggested she get medicated for Hddd. whatever the terminlology is which she has also.
I go home daily wondering how am i going to react and what can i say or not should i be jolly or keep quiet. I now am not the man she married, i am lost but I have to find myself and put her aside i think or it will continue to eat me up.
Sorry for writing so much, i think you understand and treasure your comments. I have noticed i do not like to eat anymore like last night i told her i was full it was just i was not hungry. I have lost 6-7 lbs in a weeks time. If i could reach the sky and talk to God person to person, i would ask for God to heal her and shower her with an inmensity of love and i do that in prayer. If i had a treasure offered to me i would decline and take my wife. The feelings i have for this unborn child are not good, I can't even ask where the baby is located in her womb cause she tells me to look it up on the web. Every question i ask as a new father is google it.
I do not want to stop loving her, yet she is pushing me that way. I hate walking on eggshells. Right now talking to her is not possible cause she will see this as a threat. Tonight i go home, clean house, wash laundry, cut grass, and come to a house not a home where once i had a wofe.
Thanks for listening cause we need to let it out sometimes otherwise it builds up and destroys us.
Her daughter has to now cuddle with us every night sometimes 1/2 or more and we never have time for each other any more. She does not want time for us. We used to have fridays to ourselves but that is out the window, if we do go out her daughter has to come.
At night she embraces her daugher tight and they cuddle like mother and daughter should. I am almost 90% of the time excluded from their relationship. I make comments while watching tv and are not acknowledged. She pushes me to love her daughter and I do not like that. When i mention to her that her daughter is jealous of me cause I am taking her away from mom's time, she says now i have to watch out for your feelings too ah? I just shut up. I love the kid but she has taken away all rules from her and she does as she pleases.
I was writing back because you make sense and i like your feefback, it helps me to cope with all the tears i have inside. I went to cuddle with her last night and put my arm arounnd her after her daughter went to bed and she said, do not put your arm around me, I need to sleep. I turn around in bed and cry in silence and fall asleep.
I noticed yesterday she did wear to work a revealing top i guess making herself look attractive something not in her before. She does say i am fat now as she did last night and when i said to her, i love you the way you are and you are beautiful she said, just leave it alone.
She does talk about future things but that does not garantee me she still loves me. It is very hard to walk around all day working with butterflies of agony in your heart. I really do not want to come home anymore, i try and ofc ourse I cannot tell her these things cause i would hurt her but, I was looking at our marriage pictures and she was so happy, now all i see is another woman i do not know and no matter how much i love her it is starting to fade away.
Talking to her right now would only make matters worse. She mentioned to me last night these days i retrieve to the bedroom and asked me why, i said just relaxing, if i was to tell her what is in my heart she would blow me off and start an argument.
I am stopping all emails to her cause she does not reply anyway. I am leaving my cell at home on purpose so she cannot reach me. If she calls at her i can select to answer or not, before i would be overjoyed.
I love this woman so much, would do anyhting for her in this world to make her happy but i ask myself, how much can i do without feedback before i get tired. She is not the woman i married and if elect to suggest for her to seek counseling or see her doctor about depression and or her feelings, i know the answer, i do not need that she has mention this before on an ocassion about her daughter when i suggested she get medicated for Hddd. whatever the terminlology is which she has also.
I go home daily wondering how am i going to react and what can i say or not should i be jolly or keep quiet. I now am not the man she married, i am lost but I have to find myself and put her aside i think or it will continue to eat me up.
Sorry for writing so much, i think you understand and treasure your comments. I have noticed i do not like to eat anymore like last night i told her i was full it was just i was not hungry. I have lost 6-7 lbs in a weeks time. If i could reach the sky and talk to God person to person, i would ask for God to heal her and shower her with an inmensity of love and i do that in prayer. If i had a treasure offered to me i would decline and take my wife. The feelings i have for this unborn child are not good, I can't even ask where the baby is located in her womb cause she tells me to look it up on the web. Every question i ask as a new father is google it.
I do not want to stop loving her, yet she is pushing me that way. I hate walking on eggshells. Right now talking to her is not possible cause she will see this as a threat. Tonight i go home, clean house, wash laundry, cut grass, and come to a house not a home where once i had a wofe.
Thanks for listening cause we need to let it out sometimes otherwise it builds up and destroys us.
No you did not blab much, I am so glad you said what you said. I read it 2x in order to captivate and place your beautiful words in my heart. I hope the best for you 2. I can go home today with my daughter since, it is bring kids to wrk day and feel better. I will ask how was your day and is there anything I can do for you and leave it at that. She is 41, I am 55. She told me in the beginning I was all she ever looked for in life and she was never married. I am her 1st and only husband. She was abused by her lover and i feel since this is the 1st time she has support in her life, she does not know how to react. You know I love her with all my might, I bring her roses, write her poems, take care of her daughter, by the way I do giver her 45 minutes massages feet back etc. She invited her friends this weekend so i will make the best of it. I was keeping so quiet before, i would not say a word unless she spoke because I was afraid to make a mistake or upset her, I had lost who I was and that is not good. With your help, and knowing she is going through the examples you mentioned, i will smile be myself and not take it personally. I was taken things so personally because I have been treated this way before in previous marriage amd she left me without notice. From past experiences i felt today, as in this marriage like abandoned nad rejected fearing my wife would ask me to leave her. Men/I worry a lot because we love deeply and our wives my wife is a part of my soul and the other side of my heart. It was hard crying alone hiding that from her. I won't show my tears to her cause of what u said, but if i feel down i can go for a drive and come back strong. She did tell me about a month ago that in pregnancy not to take it personal if she acted like she does now, but it did not sink. Sometimes it takes another great human being to open our eyes. I was having so much trouble at work focusing that I was getting very depressed. She does want to stop working full time when the baby is born, but it is hard to meet bills on 1 salary, I told her whatever she wants not to stirr up matters. I cannot go go as far as your solution with your husband right now but I have your guidance on how to go slowly and feel ok. You are a wonderful person, I keep you in my prayers. Life is not easy is it, I am glad we can talk to others who can hear us and guide us in lieu of similiar experiences.
Lov
Lov
wow sorry I babbled so much LOL I was just trying to get everything in my head out in the hopes that SOMEthing that we've been going through can help you.
I think that you did a wonderful thing writing her that letter and I really hope she did read it...but if she's going through the sort of things I am, she may not respond exactly the way you want her to. It will help her feel better and it's very supportive and loving, but she may not have the ability right now to express everything in her heart. So she may have read it, and it may have helped, she just may not be able to respond.
I know that my husband felt the same way about me...he thought that I was so happy and up-beat with everyone else, but with him I was so depressed...and truthfully I had to think for a long time before I figured that one out. I really WASNT happy in front of other people, I was just putting on a front because I didn't want to deal with people trying to "help" me. But when I was home I was just too exhausted to put on a front, and my husband really felt like he was being targeted but he absolutely wasn't.
My husband and I have been together almost 8 years and we're about to celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary and we used to be the same way. Right up until our daughter was born we were still in the honeymoon phase, and even after she was born things were great. With this pregnancy it's just been so...different, that we don't know how to cope, but we're both learning step by step and that's how you're going to have to take it. She may even feel resentful that you wrote that letter because she may feel like it requires her to cheer up and "get better" (even though you and I both know that that is not the point of the letter) and she may feel incapable of that right now...so don't be surprised if her reaction is not what you hope, but I still think you did the right thing in writing the letter.
I wish I had better advice on how to solve this, but I know that these are the things I want MY husband to do, and it may be that your wife is similar:
I want space...I want him to make the effort to reach out to me, by coming home and hugging me and saying stuff like "how was your day?" "how is the baby today?" "how are you feeling?" "can I get you a snack?" but if I don't respond warmly, I want him to back off and let me just kind of handle things on my own.
I want him to offer to do small thoughtful things like rubbing my feet or my back, and I don't want him to make a big deal out of it. I don't want him to come over and be like "put your feet up so i can rub them!" but if he's sitting next to me on the couch I want him to just reach over and do it...it's less pressure on me, that way, to be upbeat in response.
I want him to notice when I'm overwhelmed without me having to say "honey, please help me" when I'm doing things like picking up my daughter's toys, or cleaning, or cooking, or watching our toddler...because if he just comes over and takes control and says something "alright give mommy some time to breathe she's been working hard all day" instead of waiting for me to ask for help, it makes a huge difference.
I want him to understand that my lack of sex drive and my lack of desire for intimacy has NOTHING to do with him...and when he feels like I'm not attracted to him, I want him to either straight out ask me what's on my mind and accept that my answer might be irritable because I don't want to deal with it, or I want him to just let it go and realize that it's nothing personal. Because getting bitter about it and feeling depressed because I'm not being sexual or initiating intimacy just makes ME bitter and resentful, because the last thing on my mind right now is sex.
Like I said I don't know 100% what is going on with your wife, but I know that when I told my husband what I just told you...it helped him understand what it was that I needed. For a long time I didn't KNOW what I needed, and it was getting all of our signals crossed and causing little fights. When I finally figured out what was bothering me about his behavior and why it was causing me to withdraw and be cold...I was able to think about what would solve the problem. And in truth my reaction was NOT logical...the things that were bothering me were very stupid and pointless, but they were still affecting me and because of the pregnancy hormones my ability to just "brush them off" was nil.
And yes, it's not entirely fair that I require him to do all these things for me while I focus on myself and getting better, but unfortunately that's what it requires right now for me to cope, and he realizes this and is doing his best. In return, I'm making a huge effort to be less withdrawn and show affection and help him feel that his efforts are appreciated and are making a difference...and even when I don't want to be touched and I want nothing more than to curl up in a dark room and be left alone, the least I can do is hug him and ask him how HIS day was. My point is....you have to figure out what she needs, and most likely she won't tell you because she probably doesn't know, but you'll notice once you figure it out because she'll begin responding.
I wish I could help you more, I know how much pain I put my husband through and it took some pretty serious arguments and problems between us before I recognized that my behavior was causing him to become depressed....and we're still working towards a solution, but I hope you guys don't have to crash and burn like we did in order to start fixing things.
I know that my husband felt the same way about me...he thought that I was so happy and up-beat with everyone else, but with him I was so depressed...and truthfully I had to think for a long time before I figured that one out. I really WASNT happy in front of other people, I was just putting on a front because I didn't want to deal with people trying to "help" me. But when I was home I was just too exhausted to put on a front, and my husband really felt like he was being targeted but he absolutely wasn't.
My husband and I have been together almost 8 years and we're about to celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary and we used to be the same way. Right up until our daughter was born we were still in the honeymoon phase, and even after she was born things were great. With this pregnancy it's just been so...different, that we don't know how to cope, but we're both learning step by step and that's how you're going to have to take it. She may even feel resentful that you wrote that letter because she may feel like it requires her to cheer up and "get better" (even though you and I both know that that is not the point of the letter) and she may feel incapable of that right now...so don't be surprised if her reaction is not what you hope, but I still think you did the right thing in writing the letter.
I wish I had better advice on how to solve this, but I know that these are the things I want MY husband to do, and it may be that your wife is similar:
I want space...I want him to make the effort to reach out to me, by coming home and hugging me and saying stuff like "how was your day?" "how is the baby today?" "how are you feeling?" "can I get you a snack?" but if I don't respond warmly, I want him to back off and let me just kind of handle things on my own.
I want him to offer to do small thoughtful things like rubbing my feet or my back, and I don't want him to make a big deal out of it. I don't want him to come over and be like "put your feet up so i can rub them!" but if he's sitting next to me on the couch I want him to just reach over and do it...it's less pressure on me, that way, to be upbeat in response.
I want him to notice when I'm overwhelmed without me having to say "honey, please help me" when I'm doing things like picking up my daughter's toys, or cleaning, or cooking, or watching our toddler...because if he just comes over and takes control and says something "alright give mommy some time to breathe she's been working hard all day" instead of waiting for me to ask for help, it makes a huge difference.
I want him to understand that my lack of sex drive and my lack of desire for intimacy has NOTHING to do with him...and when he feels like I'm not attracted to him, I want him to either straight out ask me what's on my mind and accept that my answer might be irritable because I don't want to deal with it, or I want him to just let it go and realize that it's nothing personal. Because getting bitter about it and feeling depressed because I'm not being sexual or initiating intimacy just makes ME bitter and resentful, because the last thing on my mind right now is sex.
Like I said I don't know 100% what is going on with your wife, but I know that when I told my husband what I just told you...it helped him understand what it was that I needed. For a long time I didn't KNOW what I needed, and it was getting all of our signals crossed and causing little fights. When I finally figured out what was bothering me about his behavior and why it was causing me to withdraw and be cold...I was able to think about what would solve the problem. And in truth my reaction was NOT logical...the things that were bothering me were very stupid and pointless, but they were still affecting me and because of the pregnancy hormones my ability to just "brush them off" was nil.
And yes, it's not entirely fair that I require him to do all these things for me while I focus on myself and getting better, but unfortunately that's what it requires right now for me to cope, and he realizes this and is doing his best. In return, I'm making a huge effort to be less withdrawn and show affection and help him feel that his efforts are appreciated and are making a difference...and even when I don't want to be touched and I want nothing more than to curl up in a dark room and be left alone, the least I can do is hug him and ask him how HIS day was. My point is....you have to figure out what she needs, and most likely she won't tell you because she probably doesn't know, but you'll notice once you figure it out because she'll begin responding.
I wish I could help you more, I know how much pain I put my husband through and it took some pretty serious arguments and problems between us before I recognized that my behavior was causing him to become depressed....and we're still working towards a solution, but I hope you guys don't have to crash and burn like we did in order to start fixing things.
Thank you very much for your through response. I hear what you are saying. I am trying to understand. You know, everytime I try to talk to her she brushes me off, i am too tired, not now. I hurt inside cause the woman i love and this is my 3rd marriage, used to say, i love you more, cuddle with me, smile and laugh. I try to support her and ask if i can do anything and she says no. She can talk to anyone and be happy execpt me. I notice when she talks to her friends on the phone after saying to me leave me alone, she is full of spirit. I left her a letter last night saying how much i love her and how i understand what she might be going through. I do not think she read it. Here it is what do you think?As you sit in bed or relaxing at your leisure take a moment out of your day to read a few words written from your husband and with open heart.
The day we met on the couch was the happiest day of my life. Right up to today I am so in love with you as, if it was the first day we met and especially the happiest time when we married and now, as you carry our first child in your graceful womb.
You are the sunshine of my life and thoughts of you allow me to smile anywhere I am. I talk about you with great character because I am proud of you. You gave me a home, a daughter and now another with our blood in Holy Matrimony. You have loved me like no one else can or ever has!!! I never knew joy inside the heart until you and I made love and caress one another tenderly in our arms and you made me feel whole for the first time.
You are a wonderful cook, a great mother, you are all woman who I love to embrace like a mother embraces her child unconditionally in the womb. Our love is different you said, it is a love built from Heaven handed down to us in a blanket of prayer and need, a need we searched all over until we found one another and then did our long awaited dreams come true. As you have said, our love should be copied because there aren’t many in this world like ours, we are an exception.
It was not until today darling, that I realized tads of how you are currently feeling. I say this in writing because I understand while you are pregnant; sometimes you do not want to hear me or whatever the feeling inside of you might be. I am sure at times not even being kissed settles you. I know from my heart how much you love me and all you want could be a hug, a smile, and I support you as your husband and best friend now that I understand. Your love for me is not questionable; neither is mine in my heart for you.
You did tell me in the beginning how your moods will change but that it was not against me. So I am here for you, just call on me and I will be there for you. It took me a while to realize this, but at least your knucklehead now sees this. I hope with this you can be more at peace, and I do know you can be self supportive, but I am at your bedside day and night supporting your emotions.
Man are something else, be assure though that I do not try to take away from you any womanhood when I ask can I do this for you, it is just my heart desiring to take care of you. I know you can take care of yourself, you have been, but this time you have a husband and a man who loves you so so so so much sweetie my love, that I just want you happy.
Ok I guess this is enough, and like our daughter, one more thing, yeah just one more thing, God bless you for being in my life and THANK YOU for loving me freely from your heart, I could only be with you and our newborn soon in December could only be born from your beautiful womb, my wife.
Thanks xxx,
I truly love you.
Your wonderful husband as you tell me al the time.
The day we met on the couch was the happiest day of my life. Right up to today I am so in love with you as, if it was the first day we met and especially the happiest time when we married and now, as you carry our first child in your graceful womb.
You are the sunshine of my life and thoughts of you allow me to smile anywhere I am. I talk about you with great character because I am proud of you. You gave me a home, a daughter and now another with our blood in Holy Matrimony. You have loved me like no one else can or ever has!!! I never knew joy inside the heart until you and I made love and caress one another tenderly in our arms and you made me feel whole for the first time.
You are a wonderful cook, a great mother, you are all woman who I love to embrace like a mother embraces her child unconditionally in the womb. Our love is different you said, it is a love built from Heaven handed down to us in a blanket of prayer and need, a need we searched all over until we found one another and then did our long awaited dreams come true. As you have said, our love should be copied because there aren’t many in this world like ours, we are an exception.
It was not until today darling, that I realized tads of how you are currently feeling. I say this in writing because I understand while you are pregnant; sometimes you do not want to hear me or whatever the feeling inside of you might be. I am sure at times not even being kissed settles you. I know from my heart how much you love me and all you want could be a hug, a smile, and I support you as your husband and best friend now that I understand. Your love for me is not questionable; neither is mine in my heart for you.
You did tell me in the beginning how your moods will change but that it was not against me. So I am here for you, just call on me and I will be there for you. It took me a while to realize this, but at least your knucklehead now sees this. I hope with this you can be more at peace, and I do know you can be self supportive, but I am at your bedside day and night supporting your emotions.
Man are something else, be assure though that I do not try to take away from you any womanhood when I ask can I do this for you, it is just my heart desiring to take care of you. I know you can take care of yourself, you have been, but this time you have a husband and a man who loves you so so so so much sweetie my love, that I just want you happy.
Ok I guess this is enough, and like our daughter, one more thing, yeah just one more thing, God bless you for being in my life and THANK YOU for loving me freely from your heart, I could only be with you and our newborn soon in December could only be born from your beautiful womb, my wife.
Thanks xxx,
I truly love you.
Your wonderful husband as you tell me al the time.
Was this a planned pregnancy? If not she may be trying to deal with that. I know my last one was not planned and I was not all to happy about it and that made me feel guilty which in turn depressed me and I was even mad at my husband b/c I did not want to be pregnant and he was happy about it. Even after he was born I felt bad b/c I did not feel the connection I had with the other two. It took him getting ill at 5 days old and being hospitalized before the motherly instinct kicked in, and then suddenly things got better with my husband too.
Don't take it personally. Take a deep breath. I think I can give a little insight from her point of view. I also have a daughter (she's about 19 months) and with THAT pregnancy, I was the happiest, most well-adjusted pregnant woman you could have wanted. I was affectionate towards my husband, very emotionally balanced, and happy as a clam. However..I am now 7 months pregnant again...and this time around it's completely different. I'm so depressed for absolutely no reason, and between depression and pregnancy exhaustion (which, with a toddler, is a lot worse) I've been very cold towards my husband. He too says he feels like I no longer love him....and when he told me that, it made me realize how very different my behavior has been. I had been trying so hard for so many months to just get by that I didn't realize that the methods I was using to cope (withdrawing) were affecting the relationship.
Talk to her....just tell her how you feel. Do not accuse her, but say "Honey I feel like something has come between us, and I want to fix it." Make sure you don't blame the pregnancy, because she probably already realizes what is causing the depression and it probably makes her feel guilty. I know that I feel guilty because I'm not as happy about being pregnant as I should be...and when my husband says something like "it's okay I understand that you're depressed because of the pregnancy hormones" it just sets me off because it makes me feel like an awful mom. So make sure you just express how worried you are about her, and how important it is to you to do what it takes to support her right now.
Make sure (very important) that you realize that she may NOT fix her behavior any time soon (although she CAN seek medical help for depression during pregnancy, it is considered fairly safe these days) and you may have to be extra understanding and supportive....and tell her all of that. Say that you're willing to be understanding and let her deal with the depression, but tell her that you want to help her and that you need to know what's in her mind (as much as she knows, at any rate) so that you can help her through this. If she withdraws more and doesn't open up...back off and tell her that you understand and will give her the time she needs...but tell her that YOU need HER to come to you at some point and open up so that you can help her and you can get the relationship back on track.
You may have to realize that things have changed and will probably never go back 100% to the lovey-dovey honeymoon phase, but that's OK. all relationships change dynamics during pregnancy in some way or another...just be willing to accept the changes, and the changes in her, and sooner or later she will come around with enough help and support and you will find a NEW happy phase.
Sorry to write so much, I hope this helps. you can send me a message if you have any more questions about what she might be feeling or thinking...because I can relate, and I know that it was really hurting my husband until we got it all out on the table.
Talk to her....just tell her how you feel. Do not accuse her, but say "Honey I feel like something has come between us, and I want to fix it." Make sure you don't blame the pregnancy, because she probably already realizes what is causing the depression and it probably makes her feel guilty. I know that I feel guilty because I'm not as happy about being pregnant as I should be...and when my husband says something like "it's okay I understand that you're depressed because of the pregnancy hormones" it just sets me off because it makes me feel like an awful mom. So make sure you just express how worried you are about her, and how important it is to you to do what it takes to support her right now.
Make sure (very important) that you realize that she may NOT fix her behavior any time soon (although she CAN seek medical help for depression during pregnancy, it is considered fairly safe these days) and you may have to be extra understanding and supportive....and tell her all of that. Say that you're willing to be understanding and let her deal with the depression, but tell her that you want to help her and that you need to know what's in her mind (as much as she knows, at any rate) so that you can help her through this. If she withdraws more and doesn't open up...back off and tell her that you understand and will give her the time she needs...but tell her that YOU need HER to come to you at some point and open up so that you can help her and you can get the relationship back on track.
You may have to realize that things have changed and will probably never go back 100% to the lovey-dovey honeymoon phase, but that's OK. all relationships change dynamics during pregnancy in some way or another...just be willing to accept the changes, and the changes in her, and sooner or later she will come around with enough help and support and you will find a NEW happy phase.
Sorry to write so much, I hope this helps. you can send me a message if you have any more questions about what she might be feeling or thinking...because I can relate, and I know that it was really hurting my husband until we got it all out on the table.
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It's OK to show your sadness and even your tears, just make sure she doesn't feel blamed. I didn't realize just how much I had hurt my husband until he let a few tears show...and yes, it hurt me, and yes sometimes it makes me feel guilty that I put him through that...but sometimes when you're depressed it's impossible to see anyone else's pain.
From what I've been reading you are an amazing husband and your wife has the best support and the best partner she can possibly have. I understand your fears from your past relationships, and you're probably right she has no idea how to use a support system....but part of marriage is learning to lean on one another and she will have to come around to that sooner or later.
I just want to applaud how hard you're working to make her happy and fix things with her and I really think that with your patience, your understanding, and your continued efforts, things will get better.
I do want to add a caveat...while it's VERY important to care for her needs and her emotional well-being while she's pregnant, and yes it's important to do even when she's not pregnant...eventually she needs to be giving back in the relationship. Help her get through this pregnancy, and if she still shows signs of withdrawing and depression after the fact, make sure you push her to get help. We all go through hard times and deserve support and understanding, but you don't ever want to get taken advantage of. So take care of her now...help her....but make sure that at some point soon you take care of yourself, too, and that hopefully before the baby comes but DEFINITELY after the baby's been there for awhile...that SHE helps YOU too.
Good luck and I really hope that she notices how much effort you're making for her....you're doing all the right things, in my opinion.