Aa
emotionally confused and it's a long distance
Hello, I have been having confused feelings about my relationship of two years. We took a break a few months ago from the relationship to decide if we were heading in the right direction. She is has two businesses, and i'm currently in the military. It is a long distance relationship so i'm already missing out on the physical interaction. Lately, i've been feeling some kind of way about our relationship because i'm not happy because we don't really talk as much. I guess the frequency isn't so much an issue as the quality of it. I offered the idea of doing skype, but she often talks about how busy she is due to managing her two businesses, and uses that as rationale for NOT communicating as much as we used to. She is obviously a mature individual as she has to be in order to be successfully managing two businesses, but relationship wise, she has had more relationships than i have, and she some of which has been with men much older.
She admits that i am doing a good job of growing and maturing, but she also stated that she felt like the majority of my attempts at romance come off as teenie bopperish, and it doesn't do much for her. My last BIG attempt at romance was on valentine's day, and i dressed up made dinner for her, had a special playlist, and candles lit. She blew that big time by working much later than planned, and ended up coming home late. She knew she blew it, but did mention that was kind of what she was looking for with respect to romance. I asked her if romance was ALL on me, or if it was to be shared. She told me it was to be shared, but lately i've been trying to think back to the last time she did anything romantic for me, and the most recent was apporx a 1.5 years ago! I'm talking sexy outfit and pole routine. Now we both have done nice things for each other (flowers, dinners, movies), but big romance like the stuff i mentioned before definitely has me more current even if they may not have been the most successful.
The lack of quality time definitely is killing my motivation, and I honestly don't think things would be different EVEN if I lived down the road from her. She has been building her second business for about year now. It's pole fitness, she is extremely motivated at building that business and has come a long way with her routines and building clients. The irony with that is she has trained hundreds of women and done plenty of bachleorette type parties where she is helping them get/keep their sexy for their men, but I haven't seen a single performance of my own since she opened her biz. The pole routine i mentioned earlier was when she was still a student. She has shown me the moves she has learned since, and she has come a long way since then.
I often evaluate myself and whether or not i'm being a panzy, and I usually feel like i need to be patient and NOT be a nag, but the fact is i don't feel as enthusiastic about our current state.
I have a several questions in regards to this.
Does it seem like i'm not being reasonable considering she is operating two businesses, or does that NOT justify the lack of quality time (considering we are long distance)?
Do most women feel like romance is REALLY 50/50, or do they feel like it's really on the man to figure out something...regardless of their lack of interest level?
Do you think the job of keeping me motivated is on her, or is it on me to be romantic enough to keep her interested. The lack of physical interaction is affecting me as man, which ultimately is affecting my motivation to be more romantic (something women clearly need) (kind of a chicken and the egg question).
Also, if anyone has dealt with long distance relationships before, what were some "mature" ways you kept the romance going, i'd definitely appreciate the tips.
She is the typical strong and independent type in case anyone was wondering. I am not intimidated by her being so focused on her careers, but it does make me wonder how important am i really?
Is this something I should even bring up with her, and if so, any ideas the best way to do it? I guess you could say i'm not the most confrontational person but she can be very direct at times. Needless to say, communication is something i often struggle with. I constantly fall into the "she is a woman and will twist what i have to say" trap, and ultimately say nothing...which usually leads to me feeling like this. lol I look forward to reading responses. I definitely got some good ones the last time. Figured i'd try again before letting my emotions potentially lead me off a cliff.
She admits that i am doing a good job of growing and maturing, but she also stated that she felt like the majority of my attempts at romance come off as teenie bopperish, and it doesn't do much for her. My last BIG attempt at romance was on valentine's day, and i dressed up made dinner for her, had a special playlist, and candles lit. She blew that big time by working much later than planned, and ended up coming home late. She knew she blew it, but did mention that was kind of what she was looking for with respect to romance. I asked her if romance was ALL on me, or if it was to be shared. She told me it was to be shared, but lately i've been trying to think back to the last time she did anything romantic for me, and the most recent was apporx a 1.5 years ago! I'm talking sexy outfit and pole routine. Now we both have done nice things for each other (flowers, dinners, movies), but big romance like the stuff i mentioned before definitely has me more current even if they may not have been the most successful.
The lack of quality time definitely is killing my motivation, and I honestly don't think things would be different EVEN if I lived down the road from her. She has been building her second business for about year now. It's pole fitness, she is extremely motivated at building that business and has come a long way with her routines and building clients. The irony with that is she has trained hundreds of women and done plenty of bachleorette type parties where she is helping them get/keep their sexy for their men, but I haven't seen a single performance of my own since she opened her biz. The pole routine i mentioned earlier was when she was still a student. She has shown me the moves she has learned since, and she has come a long way since then.
I often evaluate myself and whether or not i'm being a panzy, and I usually feel like i need to be patient and NOT be a nag, but the fact is i don't feel as enthusiastic about our current state.
I have a several questions in regards to this.
Does it seem like i'm not being reasonable considering she is operating two businesses, or does that NOT justify the lack of quality time (considering we are long distance)?
Do most women feel like romance is REALLY 50/50, or do they feel like it's really on the man to figure out something...regardless of their lack of interest level?
Do you think the job of keeping me motivated is on her, or is it on me to be romantic enough to keep her interested. The lack of physical interaction is affecting me as man, which ultimately is affecting my motivation to be more romantic (something women clearly need) (kind of a chicken and the egg question).
Also, if anyone has dealt with long distance relationships before, what were some "mature" ways you kept the romance going, i'd definitely appreciate the tips.
She is the typical strong and independent type in case anyone was wondering. I am not intimidated by her being so focused on her careers, but it does make me wonder how important am i really?
Is this something I should even bring up with her, and if so, any ideas the best way to do it? I guess you could say i'm not the most confrontational person but she can be very direct at times. Needless to say, communication is something i often struggle with. I constantly fall into the "she is a woman and will twist what i have to say" trap, and ultimately say nothing...which usually leads to me feeling like this. lol I look forward to reading responses. I definitely got some good ones the last time. Figured i'd try again before letting my emotions potentially lead me off a cliff.
My advice would be to stay busy, busy and busy. Being that you are in the military this shouldn't be too difficult. Find new hobbies and/or discover old ones, interact more with friends and family, volunteer........anything that is POSITIVE and that is going to be a distraction from this unfortunate situation.
I can't say you aren't going to go through the myriad of emotions and thoughts; there is no way to get around that, however try to distract yourself. You can also try journaling these emotions and thoughts.
I can't say you aren't going to go through the myriad of emotions and thoughts; there is no way to get around that, however try to distract yourself. You can also try journaling these emotions and thoughts.
Well, The wheels definitely stopped 3 days ago. Relationship over...at least for now. I had two of my very good friends kind of bring me back to some sort of realty. You and the other lady were right. Well, she can't say she DIDN'T have a good man if she doesn't have much success later.
Definitely one of the pitfalls of any relationship is when one person go through life/preference changes. Will ultimately affect the dynamics one way or the other. The hardest part is going to be trying to figure out how to move on emotionally after 2.5-3 years of being with someone and spending a good chunk of that time thinking of a future together. Got any advice for that? I can easily say, i'm not ready to be with anyone emotionally. And the thought of having to go through the whole dating process all over again just sounds exhausting. For now, i'm going to focus on building a better me..especially career wise. Thanks for the advice you have given on both questions i posted on here by the way.
Definitely one of the pitfalls of any relationship is when one person go through life/preference changes. Will ultimately affect the dynamics one way or the other. The hardest part is going to be trying to figure out how to move on emotionally after 2.5-3 years of being with someone and spending a good chunk of that time thinking of a future together. Got any advice for that? I can easily say, i'm not ready to be with anyone emotionally. And the thought of having to go through the whole dating process all over again just sounds exhausting. For now, i'm going to focus on building a better me..especially career wise. Thanks for the advice you have given on both questions i posted on here by the way.
She sounds like she is losing interest. Plus, you aren't at the top of her priority list. Two BIG red flags. You are way more involved then she is.
There isn't any way to "reverse" this. If she isn't that interested she isn't that interested. The question is are you going to hang in there and keep spinning your wheels here?
There isn't any way to "reverse" this. If she isn't that interested she isn't that interested. The question is are you going to hang in there and keep spinning your wheels here?
We are both 29, and It wasn't a strip tease or anything like that. It was a sexy routine she put on for me. She isn't the type to do that for any guy, which is why neither one of feels it was degrading.
The potential lack of interest does concern me. Any advice of how to reverse that trend...especially with the distance?
The potential lack of interest does concern me. Any advice of how to reverse that trend...especially with the distance?
the word that the software blocked out was t I t s, not the c-word. In other words, a woman putting herself on display like that could be anyone with T&A, and nobody feels too special when realizing she is being appreciated only for that aspect of herself.
Hi, how old are you? You say you've been together two years, but it means one thing if you're 19 and another if you're 35. (Though I will say you do not sound 35.)
Thing is, she is busy and absorbed in her life. How much does she really want you? Not how much does she need you, she does not have to "need" you to love you. But how much does she want to be with you?
I'm puzzled that you think a woman putting on a pole dance for her boyfriend is proof of her romantic feelings. It's kind of a display of body parts; a woman pole dancing could be anybody with a butt and ****. In some situations maybe a guy would be able to tell himself that this is romantic but as a female, I would find it a bit degrading. A woman wants to be desired for more than her body.
When a relationship gets to the point where the couple is bickering over who is putting more effort into being romantic and whether romance should be 50/50, I usually counsel that it is over. She sounds to me like someone who is losing interest.
Thing is, she is busy and absorbed in her life. How much does she really want you? Not how much does she need you, she does not have to "need" you to love you. But how much does she want to be with you?
I'm puzzled that you think a woman putting on a pole dance for her boyfriend is proof of her romantic feelings. It's kind of a display of body parts; a woman pole dancing could be anybody with a butt and ****. In some situations maybe a guy would be able to tell himself that this is romantic but as a female, I would find it a bit degrading. A woman wants to be desired for more than her body.
When a relationship gets to the point where the couple is bickering over who is putting more effort into being romantic and whether romance should be 50/50, I usually counsel that it is over. She sounds to me like someone who is losing interest.
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