Aa
estranged children
don't we mothers who stayed in horrible marriages ever realize that we do it out of inadequacies in ourselves rather than for our children and that"s why _maybe_ our children became angry and estranged from us???
Thanks they r very confused ny dad seems to thinos hes going to find a young girl to be with nd my mom still wants to make it work so very confusing
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think that many women get into unhealthy relationships for a variety of reasons. Very hard to generalize on that and I hate to do that. Some are playing out a pattern of childhood, some have unhealthy habits themselves, some make the trade off for something else that they want such as financial stability, some feel trapped, some are just blindsided by the abusive behavior and don't know what to do. I don't know if I'd always use the word inadequacy for that as it is really much more complicated than that.
And women stay in these situations for the same varying reasons as stated above. Hard to generalize.
Each person and situation is unique. I think many are trying and want to do better an that can take time. I support anyone that takes baby steps to improve their life including ridding it of abuse of any sort.
Children sadly living in a home in which abusive behavior is going on do suffer. They witness how one parent treats the other and internalize that. Sadly, patterns for their own adult relationships can begin this way. And there is the occasional parent that does choose the sick partner, the bad lifestyle, etc. over their kids. I hate when that happens.
Anyway, I again think people in abusive relationships need support more than anything else to find their voice and wings to get them out of it.
bree, sorry about that situation. My parents divorced when I was 18 as well. My dad left my first semester of college when I was out of the house. It's hard. Your parents sound confused and that's okay. They are working things out their own way. You are now an adult and out of the house yourself and probably understand now how complex relationships can be. We always have the opportunity to not repeat our parents mistakes in our own relationships and to create the kind of family that is our ideal.
And women stay in these situations for the same varying reasons as stated above. Hard to generalize.
Each person and situation is unique. I think many are trying and want to do better an that can take time. I support anyone that takes baby steps to improve their life including ridding it of abuse of any sort.
Children sadly living in a home in which abusive behavior is going on do suffer. They witness how one parent treats the other and internalize that. Sadly, patterns for their own adult relationships can begin this way. And there is the occasional parent that does choose the sick partner, the bad lifestyle, etc. over their kids. I hate when that happens.
Anyway, I again think people in abusive relationships need support more than anything else to find their voice and wings to get them out of it.
bree, sorry about that situation. My parents divorced when I was 18 as well. My dad left my first semester of college when I was out of the house. It's hard. Your parents sound confused and that's okay. They are working things out their own way. You are now an adult and out of the house yourself and probably understand now how complex relationships can be. We always have the opportunity to not repeat our parents mistakes in our own relationships and to create the kind of family that is our ideal.
I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now. I wish we could help you with your situation. You're in my prayers, for peace. Liz
Im in the opposite situation my parents got a divorce when I turned 18 literally the same day instead of hearing happy birthday first I heard ur fathers divorcing me it all started when I was 15 he always said when u turn 18 I cant wait so I can divorce ur mom nd he did tge worst part is they still live in the same bed nd house nd its been 2 years!!!! They even go to the movies nd eat its just hard !
horrible would be an alcoholic spouse, drug addicted spouse, physically abusive spouse...etc
as I was reading your story my heart hurt for you with what you had to endure with your sons. Glad your story turned out good(for the most part).
Oh Yes!!
I stayed because of 'inadequacies'. I married at 15 to escape an abusive, alcoholic mother. I had my Babies at 16, 17 and 19. The first time I knew that He cheated was when I was delivering Our 2nd Baby. I was 17 years old, I had 2 Babies less than a year old and no where to go except home to an alcoholic Mother who beat me from the age of 3. He never stopped cheating. The affairs were many and included Friends and both my Brothers Wives!! I was very young and I believed He didn't love me for the same "reason" my Mother didn't love me - I felt not only un-loved but I felt un-love-able. I thought there was something wrong with ME!! My story is long - this went on for 15 years. Finally, at the age of 30 I got my GED, I learned to drive a car and shortly thereafter I left my Husband. My Children were 14, 13 and 11. My 2 Sons never forgave me for leaving Their Father. They thought Their Father was wonderful and He WAS a very good Father. He seemed Strong and Personable to them, I on the other hand was small and unimportant, not as out-going and gregarious. I tried to keep the knowledge of His cheating from the Children and this back fired for me Big Time when I left the Marriage. I must say, I think Their perceptions were also clouded by Their drug and alcohol use. I've seen my Oldest Son twice in the last 23 years at Family Funerals, I've seen each of my GrandSons (His Sons) once, They are 22 and 19 years old. They moved 2 states away. I'm told my Oldest Son no longer uses drugs but that He is an alcoholic. My Baby Son killed HimSelf with a drug over dose 5 1/2 years ago. I had custody of His daughter. She is the one who found Him dead of His overdose on His bathroom floor - She was 15 years old at the time. My Baby Son also never forgave me for leaving His Dad + I had gained custody of His Daughter and He was furious about that. The pain, the anguish, the despair......this story is so much longer and uglier than I could ever put down here - but You get the idea. I have holes in my heart where my 2 Sons and my 2 GrandSons are supposed to be.
So....Yes! Yes!! and Yes!! to Your Poll
P.S.
There has been good and glad along with the bad and sad
My middle Child is my Daughter. I am VERY close to Her and Her 3 Daughters and my Baby Sons' Daughter. They all think I'm the cat's meow!! and today I have a Marriage and Relationship I never would have dreamed to be possible!! We just had our 29th HoneyMoon last weekend!!
Life is good.
I too am curious about Your personal story.
I stayed because of 'inadequacies'. I married at 15 to escape an abusive, alcoholic mother. I had my Babies at 16, 17 and 19. The first time I knew that He cheated was when I was delivering Our 2nd Baby. I was 17 years old, I had 2 Babies less than a year old and no where to go except home to an alcoholic Mother who beat me from the age of 3. He never stopped cheating. The affairs were many and included Friends and both my Brothers Wives!! I was very young and I believed He didn't love me for the same "reason" my Mother didn't love me - I felt not only un-loved but I felt un-love-able. I thought there was something wrong with ME!! My story is long - this went on for 15 years. Finally, at the age of 30 I got my GED, I learned to drive a car and shortly thereafter I left my Husband. My Children were 14, 13 and 11. My 2 Sons never forgave me for leaving Their Father. They thought Their Father was wonderful and He WAS a very good Father. He seemed Strong and Personable to them, I on the other hand was small and unimportant, not as out-going and gregarious. I tried to keep the knowledge of His cheating from the Children and this back fired for me Big Time when I left the Marriage. I must say, I think Their perceptions were also clouded by Their drug and alcohol use. I've seen my Oldest Son twice in the last 23 years at Family Funerals, I've seen each of my GrandSons (His Sons) once, They are 22 and 19 years old. They moved 2 states away. I'm told my Oldest Son no longer uses drugs but that He is an alcoholic. My Baby Son killed HimSelf with a drug over dose 5 1/2 years ago. I had custody of His daughter. She is the one who found Him dead of His overdose on His bathroom floor - She was 15 years old at the time. My Baby Son also never forgave me for leaving His Dad + I had gained custody of His Daughter and He was furious about that. The pain, the anguish, the despair......this story is so much longer and uglier than I could ever put down here - but You get the idea. I have holes in my heart where my 2 Sons and my 2 GrandSons are supposed to be.
So....Yes! Yes!! and Yes!! to Your Poll
P.S.
There has been good and glad along with the bad and sad
My middle Child is my Daughter. I am VERY close to Her and Her 3 Daughters and my Baby Sons' Daughter. They all think I'm the cat's meow!! and today I have a Marriage and Relationship I never would have dreamed to be possible!! We just had our 29th HoneyMoon last weekend!!
Life is good.
I too am curious about Your personal story.
Hi also, Thats an good point and i personally feel that your correct and that there is mostly compromise involved in these situations.
What a complicated question!
I agree with what SM has said, and also are curious about your own personal story - when I went to your profile there were no other posts or journal entries so it's hard to tell.
I agree with what SM has said, and also are curious about your own personal story - when I went to your profile there were no other posts or journal entries so it's hard to tell.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think there are a number of things that happen in these situations. And every situation is different. Sure, I do think some kids can be angry at the way their parents (both of them) have handled things. Absolutely!! Some are mad that you stayed, some are going to be mad if you leave.
What you define as a horrible marriage I don't know. Abuse and hostility/volatility is hard on everyone. Just an unhappy home and a bad marriage is a bit different. Women stay for a variety of reasons and their 'inadequacies' probably isn't a fair way of putting it for some of them. I personally feel that most kids want a two parent home unless their parents are openly fighting. That gets old and many might just want that to end. But otherwise, many do indeed prefer parents to stay together. Life is easier for them if you do (no splitting of holidays, no going back and forth between two homes, no having to be alone with the harsher parent without the buffer of the 'other' parent).
but it is really hard to generalize on this stuff in my opinion.
for some, it is wrong to go. For some it is wrong to stay. For most, I think they are just trying to do the best they can with their own situation. peace
What you define as a horrible marriage I don't know. Abuse and hostility/volatility is hard on everyone. Just an unhappy home and a bad marriage is a bit different. Women stay for a variety of reasons and their 'inadequacies' probably isn't a fair way of putting it for some of them. I personally feel that most kids want a two parent home unless their parents are openly fighting. That gets old and many might just want that to end. But otherwise, many do indeed prefer parents to stay together. Life is easier for them if you do (no splitting of holidays, no going back and forth between two homes, no having to be alone with the harsher parent without the buffer of the 'other' parent).
but it is really hard to generalize on this stuff in my opinion.
for some, it is wrong to go. For some it is wrong to stay. For most, I think they are just trying to do the best they can with their own situation. peace
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