how to gently get my mom to see that her sister - and best friend- has relapsed and using cocaine again?

[Ashelen]

I know this isn't EXACTLY the right forum, but you guys are so good with relationships and interactions between people that I really want to come ask you all this question...

my aunt is a "recovering" coke addict. She threw away a 20+ year marriage when her son neared the age to go away to college because she couldn't handle being not needed anymore (she was a SAHM his entire life)...so in the 2/3 years leading up to his leaving for college, she became a coke addict...ruined her marriage, her husband left with their son...and she was living in a house with no power because she had used the money her husband gave her for the power to buy coke...and the final straw was when she pawned her wedding ring for coke. Apparently she was also violently raped sometime during this period which sent her into an even deeper spiral.

Ok...so she gets clean and comes to live with us. my mom is an alcoholic, somewhat of a pill-head (she has M.S. and uses meds for legitimate reasons...but she also takes an extraordinary amount..baclofen, tizanidine, lortab, fioricet, xanax...all while drinking heavily. yeah, i know. recipe for DEATH. been there told her that. I can't believe her doctor prescribes it like that...but anyway, that's really neither here nor there)....so they're kinda two peas in a pod...horribly depressed, borderline sociophobic....and so they've become inseparable. In fact, they frequently team up against me to criticize and bring me to tears because they're both very judgmental and cruel people (not intentionally, I'm sure). Most of you probably know all the issues I've had with my mom over the years..I've been crying to this board enough times lol.

Well a few  years ago my aunt admitted she had relapsed....and went into a rehab program, which she left early. (consequently, my mom and I had the best relationship we have ever had when my Aunt was gone...). She gained some weight while away, found God...everything was hunky-dory.

Fast-forward to about 2 years later...give or take...and she's become skeletal again (big sign last time that she was using)...and absolutely horrifically moody and capricious..cruel, and violent. She's threatened to hit me and followed me screaming up and down the hallway at my parents' while I tried calmly to walk away from an argument with her.

I mean of course there's no way to be certain, but I'm 99% sure she's using again. if she's not, she still needs help. she's isolating everyone in her life, including my mom, because her behavior has been so irrational lately that even my mom (who forgives her all faults) is getting to the end of her rope. but she's so scared to chase her away by accusing her that she completely and utterly ignores the signs...

how do I gently nudge my mom into recognizing this problem? like I said, even if she's not using, the woman needs help. Something is NOT right with her right now, and I'm not just saying that because she's been especially cruel to me lately. Those of you who know me would know that I'm so used to people kicking me in the teeth that it wouldn't seem out of the ordinary if it were just me being abused, but she's being horrible to everyone.

I just don't know how to have the talk with my mom. we had a huge blow-up fight a few weeks ago, and neither of us have really tried to reach out to the other since then (to sum up the argument...I was molested for years as a child by a much older cousin/..his sister has 2 kids. the oldest kid had a birthday party. I said that because my cousin who molested me would be there, I wasn't sure I was comfortable going. well my aunt lit into me saying I was selfish and stupid for refusing to let my daughter see her cousins and that I was a horrible mom...and (and this I haven't even told my husband because it cut me to the quick...) she said I was a stupid ***** and it was my fault in the first place and that my daughter would never invite that sort of behavior). and my mom SUPPORTED my aunt. so needless to say...we had a huge fight. I'm going to see my mom tomorrow for the first time since the fight, and I want to mention my aunt..but I don't know how :-(.

This whole relationship with *them* ( I say "them" because my relationship with my mom is really my relationship with "my mom and her sister") is so exhausting...I know everyone says you only have one mom, but how long do you keep trying? sorry, that's neither here nor there....I really am worried, and I'm tired of this toxic element being ignored because no one is willing to step up and confront her about whatever is causing her issues. How do I start the ball rolling?

(wow sorry for the rambling novel...this is a super stressful week for me due to some OTHER people treating me like crap....this is really not my year so far!)

[brice1967]

The reason they team up and criticize you is because they do not like themselves and they take it out on you.  This is pretty typical from addicts and addiction.  (It is also a trait found in some mental illnesses, which I guess an addiction kind of is....) I cannot remember the clinical term, but I think it's "deflection".  Their pain and their anger really should b e directed inward.  They are not satisfied with their lives, and that in turn makes it easy to pick on someone else, kind of deflecting the heat elsewhere..... does that make sense?

You cannot change these peoples lives.  It is impossible.  I understand your wanting too, but it won't happen unless they want help.  And not only help for their respective addictions, but the whole person.  What led them to their addictions?  What problems in their past are they hiding from or running from?  If they do not get therapy/counseling for those issues, it is as bad as not getting any counseling at all. (I've got numerous issues, a real soup sandwich if you will) But all of them need to be addressed.  One issue leads to the other..... they are connected and must be dealt with as individual problems in order to treat the whole disease....

I am sorry about all of this, and I know it's a pain in the butt.  Actually, a bit of therapy for yourself might not be out of the ordinary.  The thing is, you cant change them.... but you can change you.  YOU are the most important part of the equation here.  If they don't want help, they won't get it.  YOU do want help, and you'd be willing to do what it takes to get it.  If you have kids, do this for them.  Address your issues, and all of them, and it will help not only you but the little people become better folks.

[specialmom]

Ivy, I'm going to send you a pm as well.  But let me just say that while we only have one mom, that does not mean they are cemented in our lives forever if they are toxic and cruel.

The unfortunately thing is that your mom's issues aren't much different from your aunts.  They are happily codependent and quite entwined in this lifestyle.  All who participate are codependent as well.  They support one another leading these kinds of lives.  Hurtful lives to themselves and others.  You can not save them.  You've tried.  I know you have.  May she find what she needs to get sustainable help and become sober and stay that way.  

I don't think you need to tell you mother.  I am sure she knows.  On some level she knows.  Tell your dad though.  And then run for the hills.  If you do speak to your aunt, tell her that you are there to help her if she needs it (as in I'll drive you to rehab).  

I'm very sorry this goes on in your family.  I'll pm you.

[Ashelen]

sorry I meant it to say that my aunt called me a w*hore and said that it was my fault....mind you, I was 2 when the abuse started and 5 when it was finally discovered.