Aa
how would you feel?
Me and my fiance have been together for almost 3 years now. He moved in with me and my parents about 8 months ago when I became pregnant. I miscarried but he never moved out. I have been very happy with this. Today he told me that he was going to go look for an apartment to share with his best friend, who can be quite mean to me at times but in person is perfectly nice. He did not mention me coming with him at all...Sundays are the days that he is supposed to spend with me and last night he went to another friends house that just got back from Iraq. I didn't care that he went but he said he would be home at midnight. Well midnight rolled around but no df...I called and called..but he never answered. I didnt even get ahold of him at all. He came in this morning around 10 am. We were supposed to get up early and go kayaking..but that never happened. I was upset with him but I let it go. Now he tells me this..and I just feel so unimportant. How would you feel if the man you loved just decided to move out after you've been sleeping in the same bed for so long? I hate sleeping without him now...I told him that he should go do it on Tuesday which is the day he normally hangs out with his best friend. I said "Don't do something on the day were supposed to share that will probably break my heart" Then I walked out and haven't talked to him. He's in the other room right now but I feel like I would cry if I looked at him. I love him more then anything and I understand that he doesn't want to live in my parents house, but what about me? He can't even afford to move out...what should I do? He doesn't want to end the relationship, but I don't know what to do? I can't imagine having a good relationship if he goes through with this. Were supposed to get married and start our life together and he wants to move away from me..How would you feel? Did I react normal? I don't know what to do...
I want to say something important that hasn't been mentioned yet that I hope you will understand. You and your fiance are both very young and you are going through a situation many couples go through around this age, myself included. When couples get together young, and at the time that they do so, you often have lots of things in common. Around the age 19-21 however, people start changing in life experiences and personality and are not always so compatible. I am not saying all is lost with your partner, but that this is very very common and there are a couple things to consider.
You mention his immaturity is challenging right now. For one thing, males tend to mature at a slower rate then females and living with your parents and being treated as a child (given chores etc) is not helping him grow up. Sometimes people only really grow up when they move out, start paying bills and live and adult lifestyle. The freedom makes you make good and bad choices, but that is part of gaining life experience. Additionally, the more life experience you have, the more you can give to a relationship, especially in maturity.
It sounds like the fighting over little things (pizza and possessions) is out of a character and a sure sign that he especially needs some freedom. I think that if you decide to stay together, you need to understand that he is not moving in with his friend because he wants to get away from you because he doesn't love you anymore, but that he needs to grow up on his own. Its hard for women to not mother their partner sometimes, it is a natural thing for us to do to people we care about. My advice to you is to not fuss over him moving out, and don't worry about whether or not he can afford it. That is his business and he needs to be an adult and figure out how he is going to pay his bills.
I don't advice you to break up with him unlike other people on this board, because I have been in your shoes, almost EXACT. When I was 21 and had been with my boyfriend of 3.5 years, we began behaving almost the same way you describe you and your partner to be. Fighting over small things, inconsideration, etc. We realized we did not have the same love we once had, even though we cared about each other very much and that we should live apart. I was determined that it shouldn't be over, because it didn't FEEL over. Over the span of 3-4 months that we took a break, we decided that while we would not date other people, we would spend less time apart, and more time to grow up. We each took a separate holiday from each other at the end of that time and upon return it was evident that lots had changed (ourselves included) and we did not desire to be with anyone else.
Space is the best thing you can give your partner. It shows trust and understanding, and makes the times that you do see your partner very exciting. You may find that the space makes you realize you don't have much in common anymore or don't have the same life plans. But no matter what it won't do as much harm as crying and forcing a relationship. My advice is if you do take space, choose to not seek out other relationships (sexual or otherwise) during that time. It can REALLY confuse how you feel about dating and your partner. If you approach the situation maturely and confidently, you will get through it ok no matter the circumstances. Try not to get upset over the things he does, or if he breaks a date/promise. Men can be flaky (sorry guys!) and women can be really oversensitive (sorry gals!). Great combination, LOL!
Good luck and hope things work out for you both, don't forget that there is nothing wrong with you or your partner changing. It is bound to happen at some point in adulthood, try your best to be tolerant and positive.
You mention his immaturity is challenging right now. For one thing, males tend to mature at a slower rate then females and living with your parents and being treated as a child (given chores etc) is not helping him grow up. Sometimes people only really grow up when they move out, start paying bills and live and adult lifestyle. The freedom makes you make good and bad choices, but that is part of gaining life experience. Additionally, the more life experience you have, the more you can give to a relationship, especially in maturity.
It sounds like the fighting over little things (pizza and possessions) is out of a character and a sure sign that he especially needs some freedom. I think that if you decide to stay together, you need to understand that he is not moving in with his friend because he wants to get away from you because he doesn't love you anymore, but that he needs to grow up on his own. Its hard for women to not mother their partner sometimes, it is a natural thing for us to do to people we care about. My advice to you is to not fuss over him moving out, and don't worry about whether or not he can afford it. That is his business and he needs to be an adult and figure out how he is going to pay his bills.
I don't advice you to break up with him unlike other people on this board, because I have been in your shoes, almost EXACT. When I was 21 and had been with my boyfriend of 3.5 years, we began behaving almost the same way you describe you and your partner to be. Fighting over small things, inconsideration, etc. We realized we did not have the same love we once had, even though we cared about each other very much and that we should live apart. I was determined that it shouldn't be over, because it didn't FEEL over. Over the span of 3-4 months that we took a break, we decided that while we would not date other people, we would spend less time apart, and more time to grow up. We each took a separate holiday from each other at the end of that time and upon return it was evident that lots had changed (ourselves included) and we did not desire to be with anyone else.
Space is the best thing you can give your partner. It shows trust and understanding, and makes the times that you do see your partner very exciting. You may find that the space makes you realize you don't have much in common anymore or don't have the same life plans. But no matter what it won't do as much harm as crying and forcing a relationship. My advice is if you do take space, choose to not seek out other relationships (sexual or otherwise) during that time. It can REALLY confuse how you feel about dating and your partner. If you approach the situation maturely and confidently, you will get through it ok no matter the circumstances. Try not to get upset over the things he does, or if he breaks a date/promise. Men can be flaky (sorry guys!) and women can be really oversensitive (sorry gals!). Great combination, LOL!
Good luck and hope things work out for you both, don't forget that there is nothing wrong with you or your partner changing. It is bound to happen at some point in adulthood, try your best to be tolerant and positive.
Sounds clear to me. He said he was looking for a place to share with his friend. Did he say his friend and you? Sounds like he is ready to cut and run or in other words move on. I'm sure I'm much older than you so listen to my wisdom when I tell you it sounds like it's over and your probably better off without him. The fact that he is looking for another place and he stayed out all night without calling is not good. I don't like the fact he stayed out all night. I would ask him so your moving---how soon can you be out?? How many couples live with another man in the home? Not to many.
You asked how would you feel. I would feel happy I never married him--he doesn't sound right for you. Trust me when I say there are other men out there and life does move on.
Good luck,
Jules
You asked how would you feel. I would feel happy I never married him--he doesn't sound right for you. Trust me when I say there are other men out there and life does move on.
Good luck,
Jules
Oh and by the way I asked him about the whole moving out thing. Its not happening this moment but soon...I may go with him but I don't know. And he doesn't want to break up with me at all but after we talked about it all the other stuff happened. I don't know. We'll figure it out hopefully.
Yes he came home and kissed my butt for a while telling me he was sorry and he loved me and everything. He just lost track of time at his friends and thought it would be too late. I was mostly just worried about him but he was afraid to call because he didnt want me getting upset with him on the phone. But thats water under the bridge. Things just got worse...after a while he seemed to be in a bad mood. We went swimming and later on made love..then he just got MAD at me..He asked me to order of pizza so I called Dominos like he said. They didnt have the pizza he wanted and he asked who I called. I said Dominos and he FREAKED OUT on me yelling at me that he didnt say dominos and that he said Pizza Hut...We calmed down and talked a bit. I asked him why he reacted the way he did, whether I heard him wrong or not it doesnt matter, but he said that he got mad because I was being stupid. We argued about how I was being stupid...but I grabbed his phone to see when I called the place so I could tell him when to leave and he snatched it from me. He HATES when people touch his stuff because his family used to go through his stuff and take things. I explained to him what I was doing. I was like Why are you acting like this? We need to start sharing things more like this. How do you see us getting married if I can't even touch your phone? "Maybe I don't" Is all I heard and the tears came to my eyes...I've been upset since then. I tried talking to him about it but then he got angry and took off his promise ring. My dad had him mow the lawn and he did such a half-assed job on it and my dad got pissed. I was upstairs talking to my mom about everything and my dad walked up and started blasting me about his yardwork! And the window to the room steven was in was open so I believe he heard everything. By the time I was done talking to my mom I went into the room where steven was and he was gone. Now he refuses to talk to me and said he wasnt coming home again. I am upset but I am kind of numbed by everything. I'm exausted. I've noticed the immaturity in him lately. I love him more then anything though and I hate to see our relationship to go to trash after we have worked so UNBELIEVABLEY hard on it. I know everything will be okay tomorrow but gosh..today was just horrible. Now I have to sleep without him again...
njw- I try to talk to him so much but his immaturity is sometimes unbearable. He refuses to open up like that. He will just sit there while I spill my heart out and I ask him about everything and he just doesn't answer me! I don't know...
Everyone's probably just going to tell me to end it and it may be the thing to do but I will do whatever I can or have to to get this to work...Thanks for letting me vent
njw- I try to talk to him so much but his immaturity is sometimes unbearable. He refuses to open up like that. He will just sit there while I spill my heart out and I ask him about everything and he just doesn't answer me! I don't know...
Everyone's probably just going to tell me to end it and it may be the thing to do but I will do whatever I can or have to to get this to work...Thanks for letting me vent
What he did is wrong and inconsiderate. We all do stupid things. I know you love him, and feel hurt and angry. But, I feel he is being pressured by something. Why don't you try to find a time when the two of you can sit down and calmly discuss the situation. Do it when you won't have any interruptions. Do not get mad or cry. That will most likely push him away and not help him to open up to you.
What helps me when I'm confused or hurt or upset, is to write down how I feel. Pour your heart out in writing. Put it away and go back to it later. Edit it if need be. This helps you organize your thoughts when you talk to him.
I've been married for 26 years and begging, getting mad, crying or threatening is not a way to communicate. You both need to communicate honestly and openly about your expectations, his expectations and goals for your relationship and in life. You both need to put a plan together in writing on how to accomplish your goals of both moving out and having a future. Women tend to be more emotional and talk about feelings. Guys tend to see facts and think in black and white. Unfortunately, you will have to probably have to talk to him in guy talk.
Good luck. Let us know how you are doing.
njw
What helps me when I'm confused or hurt or upset, is to write down how I feel. Pour your heart out in writing. Put it away and go back to it later. Edit it if need be. This helps you organize your thoughts when you talk to him.
I've been married for 26 years and begging, getting mad, crying or threatening is not a way to communicate. You both need to communicate honestly and openly about your expectations, his expectations and goals for your relationship and in life. You both need to put a plan together in writing on how to accomplish your goals of both moving out and having a future. Women tend to be more emotional and talk about feelings. Guys tend to see facts and think in black and white. Unfortunately, you will have to probably have to talk to him in guy talk.
Good luck. Let us know how you are doing.
njw
I can understand him wanting to be out from your parents house too (like you) but the way he is going about it - just abruptly announcing he is leaving doesn't seem to me to be the best way to handle it. And staying out all night until 10:00 and then not going out that day like you had planned is, at the least, pretty rude. And why didn't he remain open to your calls? Or tell you he wouldn't be back that night? For all you knew, (for all he knew) you might have been worried that he went off the road and was lying dead in a ditch somewhere!
You are the last person I would have expected a posting like this from. You two seemed so happy together!
At the very least, did he apologize for being out all night?
You are the last person I would have expected a posting like this from. You two seemed so happy together!
At the very least, did he apologize for being out all night?
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