husband and in-law

[mala1975]

I have been marride for 10 years with the thought of having great husband but thing change when his mother and sister bully me every time thay see me and also my sister in laws husband and my husband never stood up for me knowing that I have cryed so many times and really hurts me. than I got hurt at work and things got worse. Im so angry with all that that we are seperated at this moment. With that anger I told him I will never see any of his familly member and I would like him to see them once a month not every day or every other day but didnt happend he went see them behind my back it hurts that he knows that they hurt me to the point that I want  divorce and he still wont leave them for awhile to fix our marrage, There is so much more to all that like his time on the computer its like his life anymore and other things like lies and bulling because he knows I have no one in this country, what can I do?

[cheshchesh819]

You did answer i read it earlier,either that or we are both going mad lol

[specialmom]

Hm.  I thought I had answered this earlier and my comment disappeared.  I'll try this again.

I feel strongly that when we marry, we make a new family that takes priority over our old one.  Our loyalty is first and foremost with our spouse.  This does not mean that you don't love or value your parents, siblings, etc. but that you stay true to the family you've created by marrying someone.  Obviously, your husband doesn't feel that way.

I do have issues with spouses that allow their spouse to be treated badly by their family members.  You do hear of this often and it really shouldn't be.  The right thing to have happened was long ago for your husband to have set up a boundary of how his mother and sister treated you.  

I always feel bad when someone leaves their family and home to be with a man and it doesn't go well and then they find themselves isolated.  Abusive situations isolate and I think that is what we have to remember with your situation.  A husband that allows his wife to be miserable due to his mother------ well, I'm guessing their are other issues within this marriage of respect that you've not yet shared.  While making your own support network would have been wise, perhaps you were not able due to family circumstances.  But I will tell you---------  rarely would I tell a woman to leave her country to go somewhere in which she knew no one.  It was a choice you made and I'm sorry it has turned out this way.

Okay, so to be honest.  It sounds like you do not have children.  If you don't, I'd consider leaving and going back home.  I don't lightly recommend anyone leave a marriage, but this sounds like a situation in which you are miserable.  And I don't see how it will get better with your husband's attitude.

I think getting along with in laws is a good idea but it isn't always possible.  And what makes it even harder is if you have a spouse that favors them to you.  Not cool in my opinion.  

I do wish you luck.  I think that if you decide to stay in this marriage, you need to work on thngs outside of it that make you happy and consider therapy to get closer to each other when together.  good luck

[penswriter]

i agree with rockrose. being in "that country" for 10 years and not a single friend? I've lived in my neighborhood for a year and I'm on a first name basis with almost all of my neighbors.

I also agree that he shouldn't stick up for you just b/c you're crying. If you're right, then yes he should.

I don't have in-law issues. I must have either gotten lucky or just made a great impression (which a bottle of wine and dinner out the first time you meet the parents seems to do a good job. lol) b/c my in-laws love me and i love them. In fact...i call them mom and dad.
if you are honestly that miserable...leave.

[RockRose]

Mala,  your story is surprisingly common.  It's like,  a package.  

Somehow, you are willing to move to a country where you have zero help.  

For some reason,  you were willing to isolate yourself completely from your history.  And now,  you've become  isolated from his family.  

You've been in that country for 10 years and you still have "no one"?  I really think there's more to this - two sides - and maybe counseling would be helpful for you to find out why you don't have any relationships in life.

I don't mean to be harsh.  This situation didn't just set itself up by pure coincidence,  is what I'm saying.

BTW,  I don't think anyone should stick up for you just because you're crying.  I think they should stick up for you if you're right,  whether you're crying or not.  

Best wishes.  This sounds very difficult.