marriage ultimatum? help?

[td10]

My girlfriend is pressuring me to marry her. We are both in our mid 30’s and have decided not to have children so there are no biological clock issues. We have been together for almost 2 years and are very compatible in most ways personally but there are other issues. She travels for business and I work in a small town. She originally moved from a big city to be with me as my job pays much better than hers and she said she could work from my town. Her travel for work is difficult at times but not more so than other people trying to make it work in today's economy and she does get many perks. But she says she hates the commutes and is bored with our town and wants us to leave. I could support both of us on my income if ever necessary as I continue to do very well in my position and have opportunity for promotion but it would mean staying put though. She says she loves me and all she wants is for us to have a life together, but not if it involves staying in our current circumstances. She has given me an ultimatum that if I don’t marry her, leave my job, and move with her back to a larger city within the next few months that she will leave me. I’m terribly confused and upset by this as rationally I feel this is unfair and unacceptable for her to ask, but emotionally it is conflicting as I do love her and could easily provide a loving and financially stable home, though one far from big city excitement. Why wouldn't this be enough if she really loves me? Help?

[mami1323]

It sounds to me that she's just really bored.  She's not happy living where you live and is hoping that you will budge on moving somewhere that she is happy.  I think she loves you but knows deep down she won't be satisifed living in the town you live in.  Some people are this way, I know I'm a New Yorker at heart and probably wouldn't fare well living in an ultimately suburban neighborhood.  My friend moved from NY to Connecticut when she got married and now her marriage struggles because she finds herself bored and realizes her husband has issues but she probably would be ok living in a town that she doesn't feel isolated in.  However, I would not expect my partner to leave a great paying job just so I could have a little excitement.  That to me is beyond ridiculous and in this economy unrealistic and selfish.  I think you need to communicate with her your feelings on the subject but if you marry her because she is pressuring you, you will only grow to resent her in the future and if she doesn't get her way, she will either leave you and move or stay to be with you and cheat on you because she will claim to be "bored".  You see where I'm going?

[LindaTX]

I have to second everything that Myown has said to you.  Either your girlfriend is being very controlling or doesn't really, really love you, or  maybe both.  I say stand your ground.  Otherwise, you may very well end up resenting her.  It sounds like you have worked hard to get where you are and know what you want.  She doesn't seem to share that thought. Don't give up your dream!

[Myown]

If she was happy here I would have married her by now but how can I marry someone who would pick geography over me? Am I too old fashioned?
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oh, okay I understand a bit more. So basically she wasn't happy from the time she moved there.

No you are not old fashioned at all. You have a good head on your shoulders and it's beyond confusing right now to you because you can't understand how your gf could ask you to give everything up - AND especially in todays economy - she should be happy you have a good job and can support her if she lost her job.

td, you have to do what you think is the best thing for the 2 of you. I included her and didn't say "you have to do whats best for YOU. I don't think you are doing whats best for you, but you ARE doing whats best for both of you - and that is realizing that you have a good thing going on - secure future, room for promotion etc. The decision she is asking you to make are not decisions that any woman with common sense would ask.  

She might be bright in other areas, but she does not seem to have common sense right now. She is asking you to make the decision that she chose and if not, its over. I really don't understand how a person who loves someone can say that. If you are with the person you love, then it doesn't matter where you live as long as you are together. And the deciding factor should be everything that you mentioned - your job security etc.

I know you don't want to hear this, but you were asking for opinions/help - and as much as it will break your heart, I think you should stay where you are living and just tell her that is your decision. I would tell her that you are 100% sure that you are in love with her, but you are not sure anymore how she feels towards you.  IF she is calling your bluff knowing you love her, figuring you will move, once she realizes you won't move, maybe she will change her mind about leaving. But I think maybe your feelings might change towards her.

One more thing - if you guys break up, she may realize that she really "can't" be happy without you in her life, in that case, I would see the good that came out of this. And if that happens - you guys will probably live happily ever after. Sometimes sad stuff happens, but then something wonderful comes out of it, so don't totally lose hope, but I would hold to what you feel  because you are very level headed and she is not.

[td10]

thanks for the replies. I'll add a little more info as requested. If she was happy here I would have married her by now but how can I marry someone who would pick geography over me? Am I too old fashioned? She says she would have no problem with me just giving up my work and us living a basic existence as long as it was elsewhere, live pay cheque to pay cheque, taking on debt, living in the moment, not thinking of retirement. This also concerns me. I've done that before when I was younger and it's only put me further behind and basically doomed a previous relationship, but I've worked hard to be in a place now that lets me earn a good income, travel often for getaway vacations, and build a retirement nest-egg, not just for me but for both of us. I told her I'd look for work elsewhere, but until I can find another job, that I can't just quit my current one. And this is where I'm confused as though she says she could live with little income, she will then say she wants the whole "suburban dream life" at the same time, house, cars, vacations, pets, just no kids. I can provide that now! It's very conflicting for me and I can't help feeling manipulated. And for the other question, her commute is a 2 hour drive to an airport where her company then flies her to mostly the east coast for business trips. She does this a couple times a month and works about 1-2 weeks per month at most. I can't commute, my job is at a local business so I can't transfer to another city. Also, there have been quite a few job opportunities for her here over the past months but she refuses to consider them even though she doesn't like her current job. What more can I do? Where is the guarantee that just getting married and moving will make things better especially when it means giving up our main source of income? Does this seem like a dealbreaker? This whole thing is breaking my heart.

[Myown]

We are both in our mid 30’s and have decided not to have children so there are no biological clock issues. We have been together for almost 2 years and are very compatible in most ways
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Hi td,
I would like to weigh in on this but first if you could provide a little more info - of course thats up to you though.

My question is this: IF she didn't give you this ultimatum, do you have an idea of when you might have wanted to marry her? In other words, lets say she loved living in your small town and the commute wasn't bothering her. Were you planning on asking her to marry you in the near future or did you feel that since you guys don't want kids no need to tie the knot just yet? She did say she loves you and all she wants is for you guys to make a life together. Did "marriage discussion" ever come up or were the words always only "make a life together?" And if the actual word "marriage" was brought up before this ultimatum, who used the word "marriage"- you or her or both of you?

I am trying to figure something out and I am wondering if she was hoping/expecting you to propose to her when she moved to be with you. She might not have said that back then - and we do expect men to be mind readers most times.:)

But anyhow, if you don't want to answer the questions, thats fine, but to me it might be easier to figure this out on why she would give you this ultimatum - which btw, I think its not something she should be doing to you, but that extra added info I asked you for could help me to give my opinion:)  

MO

[Caromar]

I think no marriage should be done under the pressure of an ultimatum, it doesn't work! eventually if you give into the pressure you will be the one feeling frustated, and most likely will end up blaming it on her. If its just a matter of big city life, and you say she can commute to the city from your little town, that also means you can commute to the little town from the big city...have you considered keeping your job and moving to the city? or like iam1butterfly said, move to some middle point, moving is not as traumatic as leaving your job, you do realize that maybe you end up moving, giving up your job and maybe she will get bored from you and leave you...then what?! negotiate something that will work for both of you!

I have a friend whos wife lives 100 miles away...I know its weird, but it works perfectly for them, they have been married for over 10 yrs and have lived in this situation, also for work issues for over 3 yrs. I guess it depends on the foundations of the relationship. I also have a bf who lives in the burbs while I live in the city, a big one (chicago), and we worked it out so that he takes the train on saturdays and spends the night and sunday with me, in the event that we do decide to get married, which we are still too far away from that point, I have already considered moving to the suburbs, since it makes more sense, after all I rent, he owns a house...you have to be smart money wise too, not just heart wise.

[Judy246]

The world does not revolve around her needs only. It takes 2 to make a relationship and marriage work and if her ultimatum is not going to work for you and she is not willing to meet you half way, they you both need to re-evaluate if the relationship is going to work out. Think about it, if you are having this type of "change of mind" with her now and expects you to change your entire life to suit her, then she is controlling you and the relationship. There has to be a happy medium here. She stated that she loves you, yet she is not willing to support you in your good paying job and she agreed to settle into your lifestyle, now she is changing her mind. It's really up to you to discuss with her the issued, agreements, relationship and how can this work, but she should not be controlling your life for what is best for her. It's an early warning sign of how she will behave with issues in the marrige.  Good luck. Judy

[AnxiousGurl]

Whether you can provide for her doesn't matter so much, it sounds like she wants to wear the pants in the relationship and a bit controlling. Maybe you can understand her point of view, but has she heard yours? If she's not willing to compromise maybe you should let this one go. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

[iam1butterfly]

Ultimatums usually come out of frustration and are intended to force someone into compliance... it's not a good basis in establishing any permanence and security in a relationship. Can't a compromise be worked out? ...maybe both of you can move to some half way point. You know... someplace between where she wants to live and where you need to live.

[AnxiousGurl]

You do what you want. She doesn't seem the least bit concerned with how you feel. If marriage isn't what you want then don't get pressured into it, you might end up regretting it. Marriage should be a joint decision and if it's not, it probably wont last. If she loves you, she'll stick around no matter what!

[RockRose]

This is totally your decision,  there really isn't a right or wrong.  

You have to decide if you want her more than you want to keep living in the place you are,  with your current job.

She's already decided she wants to live elsewhere more than she wants you.

Now it's your turn to make your decision about what YOU would prefer,  and it's no one's choice but yours.

[AHP84]

I think she's being a little unreasonable and selfish. This is what I gathered from your post:
- she came from a big city to live with you in a small town, but your career pays you more than what she earned at her big city job.

-now she has to commute to work a little further than what she'd like, but not moreso than an average commuter; nothing that is burdensome on transportation finances, anyway.

-you have a lot of opportunity in stock for you with your career, and could support both of you as a couple if she wanted to quit her job at any time.

-but suddenly, she's "bored" of the small town and wants you to give up all your career opportunities and move with her to the big city to start all over again in a new career, not knowing what opportunities lie in store with another company. Do this or else...she'll leave you?!

Seriously? If I were her, I think I'd be willing to marry you and stay put, give the marriage a few years to see where your career opportunities may take you, THEN discuss moving somewhere if your career has remained unchanged. If you did happen to get the promotion or pay raise or whatever in the next year or two, then heck...I'd be saying let's do some traveling if you don't want to leave the small town. It's not like she's "stuck" there.
I think she's being selfish in giving you an ultimatum like that, and it shows her unwillingness to negotiate or compromise--very important things to be willing to do in a marriage.
I say if she wants to go off and leave you and return to the big city and her lower-paying job without your support because she's "bored" with where you live and what you have to offer, then let her go. I think you deserve someone with better understanding and less selfishness.
Best of luck to you.