Ruining my life and relationship!!

[Luc19]

I was in an abusive relationship for 14 months! Emotional, physical and very damaging!

He started off all lovely, and as each day went on he started constantly putting me down, hitting me, telling me that i've got to spend the rest of my life with him as no one else is going to want to be with me. It has always been my dream to go to university; he told me I couldn't go to Uni as it was at Nottingham. He only let me go to college 2 out of 3 days.... He always thought i was going to cheat etc. He cheated on me towards the end, I never trusted him... He ALWAYS lied to me... as he made me VERY insecure.
He was then arrested for sexual assult towards a 14 year old... he was 21 at the time!

It was 7 months I think before i met my new bf who I have been with for 3 months now. This is going to sound really silly, but I am not worried about him cheating on me... it's the looking at other girls and him finding them pretty that I can't handle. I always ask him if he likes her etc, what he'd give her out of ten... it's driving me crazy. I cry a lot cos i think he is lying!
Sometimes i think that he is like my ex, but I know he is not.

I am nearly 19... and my past experience with my ex boyfriend has really affected me. I had counselling, but I thought it had worked at the time... but now everything has come back to haunt me. When I was single for those 7 months i didn't worry, and it was lovely.

I just wish that i could trust my boyfriend as i do really like him. I've explained to him, and he says he will try and help me.

But the only thing is when i was with my ex he didnt want to use a condom during sex (withdrawal) and nor does this bf....... and cos of it, i am 7 weeks pregnant.....!!!!!

What do i do, and how do i try and forget the past and trust ALL guys again......

It is ruining my life!! Please help someone :( :( :(

[Luc19]

Thanks for all your replies.... You have now given me the answers I have been looking for!

I think that I should definitely get help...

Thanks.

[teko]

You are still reeling from the fallout with the relationship with your ex, and you should not have gotten into any relationship without dealing and healing from that one. An abusive relationship damages ones self image to say the least. It also leaves you with a fear of unknowingly getting yourself into another just like it. You are emotional damaged goods, you need counseling to repair you. Another bad decision was taking even the slightest risk of getting pregnant. I wish you luck and hope everything goes the best way for you, but it will be hard. The best thing you can do for you is get into counseling asap. It is not this guys job to heal you, he is not equipped and until you get help, no relationship will survive. Not for long.

[specialmom]

Oh my goodness.  I'm not going to lecture you about this. . . but it was not a good idea to have unprotected sex.  Now you are in a relationship that takes a more serious turn when you were just learning more about him.  Your life will forever be tied to his with a baby regardless where it all ends up between the two of you romantically.  Such is life, I guess.  

So,  first to answer your question about looking at other women.  Many men do this and it is truly meaningless most of the time.  You were cheated on which makes us less secure in ourselves and then get caught up in comparing yourself to another.  You have to fight that.  I'd suggest bolstering up your own self confidence through working hard at things in your life that make you feel good about you to help overcome it. You can ask him to be respectful and not be so blatent----  but you need to work on esteem so that you really don't get upset about it. I know you are pregnant too and that does make it a little worse (I had lots of hormones or "horror mones" when I was pregnant . . .  lots of things really bugged me that I usually deal with better).  

I'd come up with your plan for how your life will look now that a baby is in the picture.  I really think that finishing university would be an awesome goal.  Even if you go part time after the baby is born.  Being independent if you need to be makes you in a much better position in life.  

If your current boyfriend shows any signs of being like your last, you will have to take that seriously.  But you've done some therapy to help make sure you don't repeat the pattern.  I wish you lots of luck and a happy/healthy pregnancy.

[Judy246]

I applaud that you were able to get out of your first abusive relationship, because it would have been a matter of time, that he could have killed you!

As for your current b/f, if you are bothered by his flirtatious behavior, I don't blame you and you have every reason to feel insecure about it. It is natural for men and woman to look at other people, but it's also important that your partner respect and is sensitive about how you feel towards his wandering eyes. Communication and trust are the foundation of every relationship and it's time to tell him exactly what you have told us,"  I just wish that i could trust my boyfriend as i do really like him. I've explained to him, and he says he will try and help me."

Also, the past is the past and if you continue to live in the past, your are not moving forwards to your future, so you must put your past behind you. Let it be a learning experience, but you continue to give your abuse ex power over you and your mind, by living with fears and insecurity. Take back that power that he attempted to take from you and live your life the way you have always wanted to. Also, always practice safe, responsible sex to avoid an unwanted and unexpected pregnancy.

Take care of your health and that of an innocent baby on the way, have a take with current b/f and put the past where it belongs, in the past. Good Luck, Judy

[imanaddict]

I was in your shoes when I was your age. I stayed with that guy for 7 years and it was so incredibly hard after we divorced. He told me all the things your ex told you, hit me, cheated on me, etc. It took a toll on my self esteem for sure! The thing is, I turned it around and it actually made me a stronger person. You can't let this continue to ruin your life and future relationships. You just have to have faith that you can trust your current boyfriend until he breaks that trust. And that goes for any other future boyfriend you have. Not everyone will do horrible things to you and you cannot dwell in the past if you ever want to have any kind of future with someone else. Since you have already been put through a lot, you know what signs to look for now. If you see anything or feel anything is wrong, get out before it gets ugly. Eventually these feelings will go away and you just have to faith. If your feelings continue, I would suggest continue seeing a therapist, maybe try a different one, until you find that inner peace again. I wish you all the best!