i want to get married and have children he doesnt know when he wants to

[loug1987]

i have been with my partner for nearly 8 years we got together fairly young, im 25 and he is 28, he has known from the start that i want to get married and have children and yet whenever i bring up the topic he says he isnt ready, i say so how about in a years time answer i dont know, that is all i get. he does say he really loves me and does want to get married and have children with me just doesnt know when. I am in the position where all my friends are settling down and getting married and having children and it really upsets me that i am no where near that. half of me just wants to leave him as he may never be ready and i cant just sit around and wait for him but the other half really loves him i need help!!!

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I think Brice has given you wise advice.  You are still a young woman (spoken from someone that didn't get married until her mid 30's) and you want it to be 'right' when it happens.  Brice's comments on 'pressure' are how I feel as well.  I want the man who marries me to be overjoyed about it and believe it to be the best decision he could make coming from himself and not me.  That is not to say that you can't be VERY clear that you desire to marry and have kids.  That you feel like if this is something he does not want with you at any time, he should be honest and set you free.  

And then in the back of your mind, think of about how long you are willing to wait.  Another year, two?  And let that time pass.  If it doesn't happen in that time, then you decide again if you stay or go.  But give him a chance to feel marriage is the right thing to do for himself.  Also, I highly advise that if you marry, you wait a couple of years before having kids.  That is really really important couple time-----  and it is irreplacable.  Kids are wonderful but change the dynamics of a couple considerably.  Enjoy the first few years as man and wife.  And believe me, marriage is a LOT different than dating.  I dated for 3 years before we married and found being a wife a lot different than being a girlfriend.  I really did.  

I'd spend the time now working on yourself and pursuing your hobbies and your career.  Put yourself in a great position financially before getting married.  Get on the same page with him about all of the things that matter, religion, values, finances, etc.  Then you will sail into marriage fully prepared and a better couple for it.  

So, try to relax as Brice says.  Your turn will come.  Peace.

[brice1967]

I don't know how any of what I am about to say will come off, but please know that I mean no disrespect.  "all my friends are settling down and having children and it really upsets me that I am nowhere near that", is a bit of stretch... you're in a long term relationship with the same man since you were a teenager.  To me, that puts you in a hell of a lot better position to have all you want, than say the bar floozy running from pub to pub on Friday night looking for someone to "cuddle" with.  This chick runs around, just wanting to have fun and ends up knocked up... do you think she is more close to settling down than you are?

I guess there are a couple of ways to look at this.  This guy says he wants to marry you and wants to have children.  He's also said that he isn't married.... to me, perhaps he is just being truthful.  I don't know if I can have a problem with anyone telling the truth.  What I'd hate more than anything is to "pressure" someone into getting married and having kids and have them tell me 5 years down the road that they resented me for the "pressure" that I put on them to get married and have kids.

I'd relax a bit if everything else in the relationship is going well.  You've heard the old addage, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it".  If you feel it is broken you can either leave the situation or you can be more proactive.  You go out and by a ring and you propose.