Family & In-Law Relationships... SOS!

[BearHitch]

I'm sorry ahead of time if this initial post gets a little long... I have been searching for help on the internet in articles and such and just am coming to a dead end so I really need some input and different opinions here on our situation.  

First a little history... When DH and I got married (which was a truly horrid event because of his parents and brothers) we were not on good terms with his side of the family.  The day we stood up to his mother about flowers for our wedding all hell broke loose and just... it was awful.  After a few months of hateful emails and namecalling (towards me) from family and MIL alike, we cut off a relationship with his mother and siblings.  DH's parents are divorced, but his real father really has no interest in being a part of our lives.  After our son was born a year later we decided to give his mom a 2nd chance.  Since then, this being a little over a year ago she has been very different and doesn't intrude.  The relationship with his brother is better as well though we still have nothing to do with his sister or step-brothers for other reasons that don't really apply.  So that is that side of the family.  Now mine.

My parents are also divorced, both of our mothers are remarried and our fathers single.  We have always had a good relationship with my family though I will admit there was not any sort of boundary with them in the start.  Looking back my mother has always had a control over me and I was always doing what I thought they / she wanted.  However we got along with them and it didn't cause problems in our marriage until this summer.  This summer I started getting counseling for my depression and started working out issues I didn't even know were there... mainly with my mom.  I started to put up boundaries with my mom.  My father started seeing someone about a year ago and has started standing up to my mom which has caused severe stress in my family with my mom trying to pit us kids against my dad.  It is important to know my mom is very tricky and manipulative.  In fact, DH's mom and mine are very similar in that and they are chronic liars but don't actually see the lie, if that makes sense.  My mom is constantly putting in her 2 cents, getting upset if we don't do things her way, etc.  This has not so much affected my marriage, however I am sick of it.  Truly sick of it and the change that counseling brought about in me has pushed me towards the side of no tolerance at all, there really isn't a balance.  

So to the issues standing with me today... I am having trouble evaluating decisions that need to be made because I am afraid I am being too rigid.  Although, let me be perfectly honest - I would like nothing more than to move to the other side of the country to avoid this altogether, or to just walk away from my family.  My mom is the biggest issue in my family; my father is no longer talking to us it would seem because I do not like his girlfriend... that's a whole other post!  Examples of my mom's behavior would be namecalling towards me, she undermines my authority as a mother by not following rules we have set up for my son (I had told her we were not going to be practicing Santa Claus which caused a huge fight and so at Christmas she made sure Santa came).  We had 7 Christmas parties this year and it has been that way since I was a child and I am done with that.  It never mattered where DH and I spent our holidays before but now that we have grandbabies there is a huge issue if it will not be at my mom's.  Example : she offered to babysit DS on Easter so DH and I could talk with my relatives on teh other side of the family.  Who does that?!  

This is what I need advice on... I have posted a few times before about issues with my mom and things she has said.  Right now I have really distanced myself from my mom because I have nothing to talk to her about.  I don't talk to her about my marriage anymore because I discovered she actually plays off of my emotions to make me more upset with DH and therefore closer to her.  I don't ask for parenting advice because quite frankly there are a lot of things she did I have vowed to never do.  I don't want marriage advice because in my opinion having 2 failed marriages does not make you an expert and.... we have VERY different views on marriage.  I don't talk to her about my feelings about stuff because she exploits them, turns me against my dad if I bring that up... there really isn't a topic that this doesn't happen with except politics which she just gets angry about because I "make her feel stupid."  So I don't call and have no desire to go visit her as it is almost an hour drive (she would like me to visit weekly) and I have to pack up my pregnant self and DS to go down there.... its just not any good.  In the evenings we like to be together as a family and DH has never not gotten sick from the woman's cooking, no idea as to why that is, I think its a spice she uses.  I just... GR!  I can't even type a question or statement on what I need advice about because the whole situation has me so flustered.  

That is the problem - I am so flustered I am afraid to make decisions about it because what is guiding the thought process?  Unfortunately I am not able to continue my counseling for other reasons so I turn to this forum for insight.  I guess I'll just respond and post issues as they come up... I just don't know what to do.  The biggest obstacle coming up is Easter which I want to spend not necessarily with my dad but my dad's side of the family (my mom doesn't have much to do with her side).  Which is ironic, because you can't walk away from her but she has no problem doing it to others.  

I'll just post this before it becomes a novel.  

-A Super Flustered Bearhitch

[BearHitch]

Well, I do have some memories - not much.  Neither my sister or I remember much before age 10 (part of the reason I started counseling) but I do some, and this kind of thing applies to so many people that she has told me things that really were none of my business and likely not true but "poisoned" my mind anyway.  I told my husband last night that I think the next time she feels like saying that I will say I don't remember it that way and I'd rather not discuss it... I think it'd leave her speechless too.  The only thing is my mom is really tricksy, and sneaks that stuff in fast and then moves on.  Oh well, I think it needs said.  I am not really sure how she would respond.  She acts like she is more entitle to time with DS and myself because she was a single mom when she left my dad... in fact she does that with a lot of things and people, like you can't turn against me because I am your mother!  I am working very hard to make sure I don't have this sense of entitlement and do these kinds of things.  My mom is a Christian too, as am I, but I really don't think that has anything to do with it.  If you've heard of generational sin I think you can find that this started with my mom's parents and she edited some of the abuse out but some left in... I am determined to break the cycle.  It stops with me.

[pcarsey]

Your mother sounds like mine.... hehe She used to tell us so much that my father was never around that I think we just forgot all the memories of him actually being there! Maybe you could remind her of the memories of him being there and the things that you did with him. Once I did that she was speechless, because could she tell me that it was all in my head? I had actual memories! There was no way she could deny it. I finally had to tell her that I no longer wanted to discuss my dad. When I told her that I loved my dad I actually think it broke her heart! And she was a christian! I do have to give my mother credit, she took great care of us. And there was many! I am the youngest of 9, however, there are some things that could have been left undone, if you know what I mean.

I think you are on the right track! I too lived to make my parents proud of me, but kind of threw that out the window when I was 17 and told them I was pregnant! They made me feel so ashamed! Like it was the worst thing that I could ever have done. My daughter is one of my pride and joys today and I wouldn't send her back for nothing! All of this coming from two people who started their family at the ages of 15 (m) and 20 (f) and didn't stop until they had me when they were 29 (m) and 34 (f)! Don't throw stones if you live in a glass house is what I say! Pot calling the kettle black!

Good Luck!
I know where you are coming from!
Patty

[BearHitch]

I appreciate your posts.  I waited a day before I came back to post and wow was my 1st post long!  Whew!  I wanted to be more calm and subjective... hopefully I am now.  Anyway, I have taken what was said into account and I don't know that I want to have absolutely no contact with my mom, but I think I need to communicate that I need some space so she understands my distance and I don't feel bad about it.  I have tried every approach of explaining to my mom why I cannot confide in her and about our various issues and it just never sinks in, I am always the one in the wrong.

I have decided that I have lived my life to make my parents proud of me to no avail, and so now that will no longer be taken into consideration with my decisions.  I think I will also stop her immediately when she starts to cross lines (all of us kids say my dad was never around but don't actually remember that... we've just been told that for so many years) and if she continues to cross them then tell her that we need a break.  I am not sure that I have been the best at being upfront about everything because it sounds so rude and because then she turns my siblings and other family against me, but I am just going to have to get over that.  

[pcarsey]

Gosh! I have certainly thought about your situation just about all day! It seems to me that you have a serious dilemma, and one that does need some outside intervention but I understand that you can no longer continue counseling. I had a serious falling out with my mother also years ago, for different reasons, but a falling out just the same so I can only tell you what I did.

I never spoke to my mother for a while... at all! I just couldn't! It got to the point that we just screamed at each other whenever we talked. I would go away hurt and mad, and I assumed she was left hurt and mad too! I didn't think she had it in her to be "hurt". My mother was very controlling and always had to be right! I needed to gain some sanity and clarity in myself!

I read a lot of self help books, just really trying to understand the childhood wounds that I was handed all the years growing up! I must say, I loved my mother!! Still do, very much so (God rest her soul!), but when I got older I looked back and I can clearly see that maybe she did have some faults in raising her children. Times weren't always the best! Her and my father got a divorce when I was 14 and she played it like a good drama movie! Turning me against my father too. Never ever owning up to her contributions to their issues. It was always his fault! I ended up marrying a man who I was exactly who I thought my father was. He ended up being the polar opposite, in fact... he was exactly like my mother! But listening to my mother, I stayed in that miserable marriage for 10 years!


Okay, enough about me.. as for what you should do? I would think just give yourself some non-mother space! If you feel like you have to give her an explanation as why, just tell her there are some things you need to sort out inside of yourself. If she takes offense to that, then that is her issue. She should have enough respect for you to not meddle when she has been told that you need some space. Then leave it at that for a while. Do some serious soul searching. Ask yourself if what has taken place could ever be mended, and if so.... at which point, how and what do you want from your mother in the process. Then tell her these things. As long as you are respectful and polite about things then she has no reason to be crabby with you. If she is then that is things that is inside of her that maybe she should take a look at!

Good Luck! I know it is extremely hard when you are having problems with your mother or father!!
This might be totally off the wall, but I can suggest the books I read that have helped if you would like to know.

Patty

[teko]

First you need to calm down and relax. Live your life and raise your child the way YOU think is best. Invite the families to your house for occasions instead of going to the others homes, you will have more control that way. Do not try to argue, prove your point or explain yourself to anyone.  If you do this in a calm, cool manner you take control without them arguing with you. Treatyour parents like you want your child to treat you when they grow up. Be polite, caring, send cards, let them know you love them and live your own life. The only person you can change is you, so do not waste your time and energy trying.