cheated on my wife

[cbec88]

I made out and did a little oral with another girl. I stopped before it went any further. Problem is I did it in front of family members while on a guys weekend. If I tell her I could potentially ruin other relationships. What should I do in a situation like this?

[cbec88]

Your right. I DO NOT want another man raising my child. I do want to be with her but there has to be big changes from both of us.   I wish I could show her affection now, but I still have to  figure out how to get tested for an STD without her knowing.

[Nighthawk61]

SINCE THIS WAS A ONE TIME THING, AND WON'T BE REPEATED
personally, in your case, i wouldn't tell the therapist, once that bell has been rung, you can't take it back,,
Suffice it that you recognize that there are some issues in your marriage that you want to work on (use another reason as the catalyst)
Be the best man you can be, to keep your family together,
with or without sex it seems that you are there because you want to be
I wish you every success in your marriage

[Jinx_777]

i think if i were you, i would not say anything since all would have something to lose and it is not worth the pain you will cause her.  i would set up counseling and work on your issues together.

then someday, if you feel the need tell her, but honestly i would not want to know.  i would not believe that is all that happened or think it was the only time it happened.  some women cannot take it.  

neither one of you are happy if you have a loveless marriage and if you love her work on it.  as bad as you feel, i doubt it is something you will do again.

some men get a rush cheating.  you did not.  that say's something about what kind of man you are

[RockRose]

Well then,  it's certainly worth staying together.  You don't want another man raising your child while you get visitation only.

[cbec88]

We have 1 child. I think that is a very big reason y we are still together.

[RockRose]

I'm left wondering why you are fighting so hard to stay in a loveless cold marriage.

Do you have kids?  If not,  leaving her may be the best thing you ever did.

[cbec88]

Not alot some I think he would have to lose. It's complicated. We are all pretty much family that were there. I just don't think it would be in his best interest to say anything

[cbec88]

Yes they knew we were in there . I told them what happened. I wasn't the only one that messed with the girls. There is only really one person that was there they I have to worry about saying anything. I was asking myself if I should talk to him to see what he was thinking. He would have a lot to loose if he was to tell, But not like me.

[Jinx_777]

one more thing... were you the ONLY guy there to have messed with these girls?

because if they all did something inappropriate then the chances are slim they will tell on you.  if that is the case, i don't think i would say anything.

what i would do instead is get counseling for your marital problems and work hard at being a good husband and NEVER do anything like that again.

[Jinx_777]

i have just read this entire thread.  

the thing that sticks out to me is- the 'act' occurred behind closed doors, but others in another room knew you were in there with a girl, right?

did you tell them what happened or did the girl?
the reason i ask is the people probably don't believe all that happened is 'a little oral'.  you know what i mean?

so what could get back to your wife is a story much different than what you say happened.  if it gets back to her that you were in there having crazy, loud sex it will be much worse than you telling her what happened.

also, if i had to put a number on the people that say 'she doesn't give me any sex' it would have to be 99%.  

if you want to wait until you see a counselor for advice, just know that by the time you decide to tell her the 'tale' of what really happened will grow.
that is what happens with gossip.  starts off as a small thing and by the time it gets to the 10th person it is a whale of a tale.

if what you say is true about your wife not wanting any physical contact with you, she will likely blame herself AFTER she is done being angry.

[cbec88]

It has been like this for a about 5 or 6 years and seems to be getting worse. She says she doesn't have the urge to do it anymore.

[Londres70]

Oh my.......you are only in your early 30's and you aren't that sexually active?  

Has she always been like this OR did a situation prompt her to behave like this?  

Unfortunately, cheating is never a great solution to an almost non-existing sex life in a marriage.  

Get the therapy on board like yesterday and keep us posted.

[cbec88]

I will see a therapist before making my decision if I tell her or not. I just can't bring myself to do it right now. But I know the longer I wait the worse it will be. I think it really is in dire straits because of other issues. I know this doesn't make it better about what I did but I want to tell you how my wife is. She has always accused me of cheating on her and had has no reason to up until now. I do my best to love my wife and treat her right. It's hard to do those things when your wife doesn't let u hug her, touch, or even kiss her. We go months with out having sex and we are in our early 30's.

[Londres70]

I know I would want to know.  If my husband did this and then someone else told me what he did I would be livid.  That's ME of course.  

If there weren't any witnesses, I would say keep quiet, however, that's NOT the case.  There were other people PRESENT and it's not for you to decide if they want to tell or not tell.  In other words even if you don't say anything someone else CAN and probably WILL.

Try consulting the therapist FIRST before doing or saying anything to your wife.  I HIGHLY recommend that.

If you have been having problems already then this could be the final straw OR it could push you two into a direction to make you realize how much in dire straits your marriage truly is and that you two need to take drastic measures to salvage it.

[specialmom]

I guess we could argue what makes a mistake a mistake.  I do thinks I know I shouldn't and think after what a mistake it was to risk that.  Driving over the speed limit for example.  Yelling at my kids.  LOTS of things.  I make mistakes and forgive myself for them.  Hope others do too as I apologize after I make a mistake.

This is a doozy of a mistake.  Bottom lime is that no one here can tell YOU exactly what to do. We are all different.  I would not want to know especially if my husband was dedicated to me from now on and would work so hard to bet he best husband he can be.  leave me in the dark!!'

But others feel differently.  And they are no less or more right than I.  We are all different and every view on this is completely valid.  

Which leaves you in the position of deciding what is the best course of action for you.  What about beginning therapy with your wife to work on the other problems.  This makes good sense as you say those things are going on and then perhaps this indiscretion is actually part of that.  

Do what feels right to you.  good luck and peace

[TTinKKerBBell]

Whew!!  I'm glad to know You didn't actually do this 'in front' of others - thanx for explaining that.

Well, this is (always is) a real dilemma.  You seem to think Your Wife will leave if She finds out.  You have a HUGE problem in the fact that others know.  It may not bide well for You to tell Her YourSelf but chances are BIG that someone else will tell Her.  So, You must decide if She should hear it from You or from someone else.

To clarify an earlier statement I made:  I DO think people make mistakes in life
BUT
I don't think CHEATING is a "mistake".  If You KNOW a behavior is WRONG that negates calling it a "mistake". If cheating were a 'mistake' one wouldn't have to sneak and hide and lie.  We all know this.  That is why many wives cannot accept the excuse "I made a mistake".  This I know is true.   Do You think Your Wife could 'mistakenly' give or get oral sex with another man?  Of course not, and that is how She's going to feel about what You have done.  You are right in that there is no explanation You can give Her.   'Explanations' and 'excuses' are NOT the same as taking Responsibility.  You must not only take Responsibility but You will have to find ways to CONVINCE Her of Your remorse.

[cbec88]

I didn't actually do it in front others. Others were there and new what was happening, that is what I mean by saying there were witnesses. Alcohol was involved but that is not an excuse. I honestly think if my wife found out she would leave me. We have been having problems with our relationship because of other issues. This might just send it to the next level of her leaving ,which I do not want to happen. I want to be the best husband I can be and care for her like nobody else can. I don't think there is any explanation I could give her as to why this happened.

[anonymous_825]

Without knowing you or your wife, but considering what I think most people would want, I think you should tell her. Not because you will get found out, which you will, and not because it is eating you alive, which it should, but because she is your wife (not just another girl!!!) and she deserves the truth.

IMO, cheating is cheating.  I would be very prepared to have EXTREMELY good reasons why this will never, ever happen again.  I think you have to be willing to do whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to earn her trust.

I don't understand the "just a little" and I totally don't understand in front of others.  I think she'll have a hard time with that as well.

It's impossible to know how she will react.  This was not a split second decision -- this is something most people know -- you don't cheat.

I want you to know, however, that as hard as I may sound, I am a true proponent of forgiveness and redemption.  But forgiveness can't be granted if you are only doing it because you're gonna get found out. You need to know it was wrong and be truly sorry for the behavior, not just sorry you got caught.

I wish you luck and peace with whatever you decide.

[specialmom]

I would not want to know.  It forever changes everything.  If it was a ONE time thing and my husband loved me dearly and wanted to be with me and work hard on our relationship, ignorance is bliss as far as I'm concerned.

I do feel we make mistakes and that this is a huge one.  Total lapse in judgment.  If it is alcohol related, don't drink.  NEVER put yourself in that position again.  

Yes, get checked for std's.  

good luck

[TTinKKerBBell]

Most Women would say "yes, I would want to know" but the reality is, it NEVER, never, ever, goes well.  Your Wife is in for a journey She never wanted to take - a journey that has been forced on Her, without Her permission and against Her will.

Eventually, someone is going to tell Your Wife, so You have ANOTHER dilemma:  Should She hear it from You or from another??  (almost like: should You shoot Her in the leg or should You shoot Her in the foot??)

BUT Your situation 'really takes the cake':  Add to the GAMUT of emotions, Her humiliation that others witnessed Her Husband's behavior.

You/She likely will not get past this without therapy.

P.S. I don't call this a 'mistake'.  I call this intent - You knew this was wrong and You CHOSE to do this.   A 'mistake' is when You do something and then realize LATER that it was wrong.  If it was a 'mistake' You could SIMPLY go home and say "Wifey, I made a mistake today,"I had a 'little' oral sex with someone else" and Wifey would say, "Oh, that's okay, sweetie, everyone makes mistakes, just try, try again until You get it right"

I hope You will pardon my bluntness here, but I'm pretty certain this will occur to Your wife.  I don't think You should say "a little oral sex" and I don't think You should call it a "mistake".

GoodLuck

[cbec88]

I think seeing a couple therapist would be a good idea. If you in were in my position would u want to know your husband cheated on you

[Londres70]

Of course everyone makes mistakes, but unfortunately these actions have consequences.

Cbec, I just wouldn't take the chance that one of the other guys breaks down and tells his wife all the juicy details and then it reaches your wife.  I can imagine that would be way worse and even more painful and embarrassing.  Trust me, sooner or later someone is going to say something.  People don't keep these kinds of secrets well.  It's not good to be in the position of "the last to know."

Suppose the STD testing came back + for whatever.  How are you going to keep that from your spouse?  Then the lie would just keep snowballing.

If you didn't have any witnesses, I would say say nothing and take this to your grave, but that's not the case.

You can seek the advice of a couples' therapist and get his/her opinion BEFORE doing or saying anything.

You or I don't know how she would respond.  I am sure she would be hurt, upset, angry, etc., but perhaps she would be willing to work through this.  You never know.

[Life360_Dave]

Everyone makes mistakes. Its your call what to do but as mentioned by Londres the word most likely will get around and i also agree. Maybe if the 2 of you step forward together and share the blame it might work out best. The expression the truth will set you free has some value esp in situations like this.

[cbec88]

I used little to try and make my self feel better. I don't think this is a little thing either. That's why I'm here looking for advice on what the next step should be.