Okay long story. My husband has, since the beginning of our 14 year relationship, had off again/on again sexting relationships with other women. Some of them are even friends of ours and have been in my home. One of them is his ex-fiancée and he would tell her he loves her, wrote her poems (never has for me), etc. We have talked it out a few different times over the years, but it's never completely stopped. I finally am done. He says he always chose me, and I'm making too big of a deal about things that didn't matter. Then in the next breath he tells me he is "sorry for so many things." He's been cleaning the house, being a better parent to the kids, etc. But I still can't help but feel done. I realized two full years ago that we were at the beginning of the end, but this is all still new and raw to him and it's kills me to know that I'm hurting him so much. He seems to finally be done with other women. I say that, but it's only been that way for a few weeks. Which sounds stupid. But he seems determined this time. I'm sure I shouldn't but now I feel like the bad guy because he is trying like never before, but I just can't anymore. I can't stand to have sex with him, I don't like him touch me in any way. I feel like there's a giant wall and I don't even have an interest in trying to scale it. But it's killing him.
To complicate matters, after I had already decided I was done with this, I met someone. I know, cliché. Weirdly, for someone who historically has had extreme problems with anxiety/guilt even when unfounded, I don't feel guilty about being involved with this man. It's bizarre to me. I keep waiting for the guilt to come crushing down, but all the guilt I feel is over leaving my husband because I know how much it will hurt him. My daughter and I went on a trip and she commented over how happy I was. She started laughing, I said what? She said momma, you're just so happy! And it made me sad that there was a noticeable difference when I was away from home. A few days after we got home she looked at me and said, you know, you're different at home. I jokingly said gee thanks haha. And she said no, not in a bad way really, you're just different. I know what she's seeing though. I felt almost like a different more powerful/confident version of myself when we were on our trip and among strangers. It shouldn't be that way.
BUT. Bottom line. Husband is trying. Trying in every way possible. But the harder he runs toward me, the more I feel like running away from him. I try to separate out my feelings about my marriage from my feelings for this other man - I believe I'm fully prepared for the possibility of leaving my husband and being completely alone, this other guy has his own life (no he isn't married or anything) and I don't presume to assume I'll become an integral part of it. It's not that I intend to leave and immediately become more involved with this other man. I think it's more that he has helped me realize that there are other people out there that would fully accept and appreciate every awkward goofy part of me. Even if I don't get to have this other man in my life, it still seems like it would be so much better to feel free to simply breathe.
I don't know how to get over the guilt I have because my husband is trying now, and to just set he and I both free. It's so hard to hurt people we care about, even if it's not in the way they want us to care anymore. It makes it even harder that when we do get on the verge of the actual split, he becomes reactive and vindictive, telling me that "he's tried so at least he knows his morals are intact" and basically telling me I will single handedly be ruining my children's lives. Threw his wedding ring at me and tried to physically take mine off my finger, then called me a cold hearted ***** :( I know he's just feeling desperate and scared and lashing out, but it still hurts. Then when he feels like there's a chance we could still work it out, he is the sweetest person ever. Which makes the guilt come back. I guess I just need some strangers' thoughts on the entire situation.