trusting issues, anxiety, sex addiction?

[John23a]

i had a messed up relationship 3 years ago which caused me start doing drugs for a year (i have stopped for 2 years now) and the girl i was dating left me for no reason and i found out later on that she cheated on me with very close friends of mine..so i decided to get through the depression phase and stopped doing drugs and got into two other relationships after that..right now im with a sweet girl but we are having serious issues due to my trusting issues..i cant trust her with anything, when she tells me shes going out with her mom, i start having all these thoughts, what if shes not? what if shes cheating on you..its like im paranoid and scared of being alone..

i also suffer from anxiety with derealization which makes everything worse..sometimes i feel like im crazy and i will end up in a mental hospital because of these thoughts i have..sometimes i find myself arguing with girlfriend just to get reassurance that shes not cheating on me and most of the time she ends up crying because of it..the thing is i really want to fix this..

i also think about having sex with other girls a lot of time..it might be due to my age and my hormones but i think i think too much about sex..this adds on another thing to list of my worries, thinking i might have sex addiction..i mean i dont cheat on my girlfriend because i just cant get over the guilt and i dont want to hurt her but i do think about having sex with other girls and i still feel guilty because of this...

what are some ways to stop these thoughts? how can i prove myself that im not mental and crazy? how can i gain a sense of security about myself? im 19 btw

[Riot_Queen]

I understand how you feel.
I've been cheated on one too many times.
And now that I'm with the guy I love, and he loves me back just as much- I still have trust issues with him.
It bothers him but I've explained to him time and time again that it's not his fault, it's just something I'm trying to work on right now and he'll have to just atleast try n understand how I feel.

I'm always afraid he's out cheating on me.
He works at a prison, and when he doesn't get home around the time he's supposed to, the first things that pop into my head are, "He's either dead in a ditch somewhere, or he's cheating on me. And that muh-f*cker better home he's dead in a ditch somewhere..."

There are about 5 tittie bars on the way to his work. Sometimes it seems like money goes faster on some paychecks than others and I'll never really know if he's just buying alot of energy drinks [[he works graveyard shift so he gets those very often.]] and something to eat on the way to work, or if really sometimes when he says he worked the 4 hours of overtime, that he really stopped at one of those tittie bars and hung out there for 4 hours.

I'll never know. And that really bothers me.
Sometimes I wish I could read his mind, but then again the truth scares me and I dunno if I wanna know what he's really thinking.

He's very affectionate towards me, and tells me how much he loves me every day.
But I guess it's just my own problem that has a hard time believing it sometimes.

As far as you thinking about sex alot-
It's a guy thing and it's totally normal.

Josh is a TOTAL hornball and wouldn't surprise me if he thought about having sex with me and everyone n their grandma's. Just so long as he's not actually DOING it, or thinking about it while we're actually having sex.

I don't really like him watching porn, but if he does then whatever.
He just knows he better not come up to me wanting to "git down" afterwards cuz I ain't getting him off from him getting horned up from some other skank.
If he wants me, then he better be turned on by ME.
If not, f*ck you go slob your own knob.

lol

[mami1323]

Look for a cognitive behavioral therapist.  They don't force you to be on any medication.  They give you coping tools.  People who have OCD go to them so they can work on their obtrusive thoughts and not follow through with the actions of those thoughts.  My fiance used to do this with me as well.  When we first started getting serious, he used to always question me and act crazy because of his jealousy and we almost broke up because it was a complete turnoff having to defend myself all of the time.  It became sickening and it also made my anxiety sky rocket.  He had to get a hold of his thoughts.  You can't control someone's actions no matter how many times you ask your questions.  If she's going to cheat, she's going to cheat regardless.  All you can do is try to trust her until she breaks that trust.  If she does cheat than you will just deal with what's to come after that.  It's not the end of your life if she does, it will hurt and it's damaging but you move on.  You've done it before.  Just have to keep reminding yourself of that.  But I would seek counseling.

[John23a]

thank you all your posts sure did make me feel a bit better
i have talked to her about this and we have been together for a year and everytime i say this is because of my past, she tells me well your with me now..and i tried helping you for a year but you just dont let your brain forget about the past..she has told me many times the reason she doesnt leave me because of my trust issues is because she loves me and she wants to help but she expects something from me too..like she wants me to show a sign of improvement, and i havent been able to do..like i try..when she goes to school i try not having negative thoughts but again all of a sudden this wave of negative thoughts hit me..what if shes talking to guys, flirting with guys in school..and all these what ifs? and if i dont let it out i feel like im going crazy..like she gets home from school and randomly i just say were you with guys at your break and shes like no..and i keep bothering her with my questions and this causes an argument and she usually ends up crying..i know that the best person to get help from is myself..no one will be able to change my thought pattern except me but the problem is i dont know how..i try i really do but again even if i dont ask her questions and tell her all these things it just stays in my head for the whole day and makes my anxiety worse..i did go to a psychiatrist for my anxiety and the first thing he said as soon as i mentioned anxiety he said MEDICATION..he didnt even let me tell him about my problems..and i dont want to take medication..i have already battled with drugs and it caused all of this anxiety and  problems i have..i just dont want to put chemicals into my body..and about the sex part i know its normal but i just feel bad about it..i wont be able to cheat ever but i think i just think about other girls too much..like im walking around my campus and i just keep thinking of having sex with every girl i see !!

[sammy73]

I can understand where you paranoia comes from - once you've been badly burned once, it is very difficult to trust fully again.  It seems your head knows that she's not cheating on you, but your heart is having trouble catching up with your head and really believing and trusting.  I'd agree that counselling may help you get to grips with this issue, that and just time (as long as you don't drive her away before you've had the time it'll take!).

Meanwhile you need to make a vow to yourself that you will not treat her with suspicion.  You won't question her, you won't check up on her, you won't spy on her mobile or her e-mails, you won't follow her.  When she says she's going out with her mother, or her girlfriends, be glad she's off to have some fun and wish her a good time, say it with sincerity and mean it.

You need to do this primarily so you don't drive her away with your behaviour and screw up a perfectly good relationship.  But behaving like you trust her may also help you come to a point where you do genuinely trust her, so this is for your benefit too.

As for thinking and fantasising about sex with other girls... well... that's an affliction that most men have to live with!  You clearly know better than to act on that urge (which is more than can be said for plenty of men twice your age, or even 3x).  It's not unusual, it can't be helped, so don't feel guilty about it and don't let it drive you crazy.

[imanaddict]

You have got to pull it together before you lose your girlfriend! You need to seek help to sort out these trust issues. Relationships are always based on trust and communication!

There's that old saying of, "You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you." or something to that effect...

It's so true. You are making yourself and your girlfriend miserable by your thoughts and allegations.

Not everyone is the same and just because you were burned by someone in the past does NOT mean the people you come in contact with after that will do the same. Seek some help before you lose her...

[mami1323]

You need to seek therapy.  You need cognitive behavioral counseling.  It will give you tools on how to deal with your thoughts and your actions.  You are very young, too young to be stressing about this in a relationship.  You will inevitably ruin your relationship and so I suggest you putting this relationship on the back burner until you can get healthy yourself.  I'm not saying not to be with her but how can you make a relationship work when you are incapable of trusting her.  Relationships are built on trust and if she hasn't done anything out of the ordinary or anything to break that trust, than there is no reason to doubt her.  Go work on yourself and so that you can provide a stable relationship for this girl or any girl in the future.