my fiance doesnt want to have sex

[webster7n13]

im having problems. I've been with my fiance for three years. She is 21 and i am 22. We got engaged when i was overseas and had a strong relationship. She is my best friend in the world and i love her dearly. We had sex quit often before i left for my deployment. It has been over six months since i have been back and she hasn't wanted to have sex once. We have sex probably once a month but its never her choice. She never wants to saying lets make this quick or i dont want to but i want to make you happy. But i try so much just to turn her on. I give countless back rubs and try to affectinent things. I am open to try so much for her sexually to get her going. She neve even likes to talk about sex, even though i have been trying hard to figure out what is going on. I now often ask her if something happened when i was gone, being something of cheating or rape. She tells me she doesnt have the feeling of wanting to have sex. I told her i dont think that is normal and she should see a doctor. She told me she wont go see one. She use to become very aroused anytime she drinks and now she shuts me down as soon as the night starts. I have backed off asking her but she makes no advances to me. I am a very sexual person, but i would be satisfied with her want it a couple times a week. I just want her to want to have sex once since i have been back. We missed out on sex for a year already. She seems to not want to kiss me or anything anymore. I DO NOT want to cheat on her and want to be with her forever but i am so lost right now. I cant even bring up the subject to her. I am willing to try anything to get this going again. I hope she isnt cheating but the thought crosses my mind so much now just because she wont have sex with me. Any ideas.

[teko]

I dunno, six months and she has not wanted sex once? Sounds to me like a little more than no sex drive. She and you are young. How is she outside of the sex? Is everything normal? And why will she not go to the doctor? Is she adamant about that? We know a man has a hard time going without sex. Usually a quickie even if we are not in the mood if nothing else just to satisfy him. I do agree that you should not push it or try so hard and if you can get her to have sex, satisfy yourself and get it over with  if she is not turned on. And yes, you need to have a serious talk and make her aware of how important an issue this is and how frustrated you are that she does not see it as such. It IS an important compatibility issue between partners, without it your relationship will not survive.

[RockRose]

Hm.  Maybe it was the pill,  maybe not.  

I've had times in my life where my sex drive has left, who knows why.  I think part of it was after having kids the brain shuts down so you don't get pregnant again.  ;D

I think you need to talk.  Ask her if this is brand new for her,  and she's surprised her sex drive is low,  or if she's always been that way but just had sex to please you.  I think you really need to know that,  which it is.

In the interim,  I think you need to stop trying so hard.  It's difficult to have no sex drive and have a partner with a high sex drive.  As crass as this sounds,  for awhile just do quickies.  The harder and harder you try to turn her on,  the further away she'll get.  When the guy is really trying and taking forever,  and continuing to state he wants to turn you on,  it's a turn off.  it goes from being no big deal to a long drawn out turn off.  It turns into an ordeal.  

I know you don't mean it that way at all - but that's how it feels.  You just lay there thinking what can I do to get him to finish.

Talk to her,  and see.

I wish you well.  Hopefully you can reach common ground.

[Ashelen]

I've got to be honest...I think you need more patience (I know how hard that is to ask of a man who just spent months out of the country away from his woman!). You came back and it's almost like physically having a stranger with her. While she still knows you and loves you, you were physically gone for so long that it's like trying to get to know your body all over again. And I would imagine, from a woman's perspective, that a man who feels physically strange to you trying to get you into bed would make you feel very uncomfortable and maybe even a little frightened....

you should speak with her and tell her how much this is bothering you, but you may simply have to wait it out. Maybe back off and if you're doing things like rubbing her back, tell her "i am not expecting sex out of this...I don't want to pressure you, I just want to enjoy you." and let her be the one to come to you. It works with my husband...when I feel that he's pressuring me too much I let him know and he backs off. pretty soon I come right back at him and our sex life is in full swing again, but I'm very easily intimidated sexually (i was molested for years as a child) and sometimes he has to back off.

[webster7n13]

Yea she was on birth control but she hasnt been on it for a couple months.

[coolas]

I think you need to tell her that you cannot go on like this forever.  She either needs to find out why she has lost interest in sex and do something about it, or you might want to re-think the relationship -- as much as you love her now, you will come to resent her in time if she doesn't handle this issue.

A-

[RockRose]

Is she on a birth control pill,  webster?  That can zap her libido to zero.