what can i di now

[Tazzy_Butterfly515]

I am at my whits end with my marriage. I just dont know what to do anymore my husband is constanly causing problems he is constantly playing a victim and flying off the handle. for the past two months i have been under a barage of accusations that i have been cheating on him, that i put everybody before him, that i dont care that i dont clean the house right and the list goes on and on. this is not the first time he has done all of this. we have been married for five years and together for the last nine years. when we met he was heavy into drugs and doing really stupid stuff we met through a mutual friend that we nolonger speak to because they got into a big heap of trouble together and he ended up going to prison when he got out of prison we got married and started a family we now have three children and his parinoid actions have steady gotten worse. I left him two years ago for his behavior and when he came begging me to come back i did everything was ok for a little while but then the violent episodes have just steadily gotten worse i have asked him to go to counsiling even offered to go with him and he tells me that its just a way for me to get rid of him and any time he thinks i am going to leave again he gets violet if i try to call the police because his anger and additude is scaring me and our children he breaks the phones and wont let me leave the house he harms himself in an attempt to get me to feel guilty for being so upset he is very good at playing head games with other people so that it always turns out to be my fault i have tried everything i can think of i have argued back and that makes it worse i have tried talking to him in a sweet manner and he tells me that i am patrinizing him i have tried agreeing with him and he changes his point of veiw i have tried keeping silent and all he dose is grab me and shake me around thinking its funny i just dont know what to do i do love him and i want my marriage to work but i fear i have married a man that just wont stop hurting me or himself he wont admit he has a problem and everything is always my fault what do i do how do i get this to stop how do i make him relize he has a problem and he is driving his imaginary wedge into a real one between us.

[specialmom]

I think you lay it on the line.  I'm gone and until you complete therapy and I can meet with the therapist---------- I'm not coming back.  We can't live this way anymore.


I'm also starting to wonder about more than just depression here and that perhaps some other mental issues are going on.  

I also want to say that I think I'd find a way to go to some therapy as well.  Your oldest is only 4 and you have three children.  You made these children with an out of control man.   I don't say that to be harsh and feel for ya, but bringing children into the world with someone that is abusing you concernes me.  

I wish you luck.

[sweetpea03]

I would try to talk with him. Say that your worried about him and you really care about him and want him to get help. Tell him he should do this for his children, not for you. (only because he makes fights about you and him). He needs some reason, so you have to try to convince him it is for his best interest to go. Don't yell or raise your voice, just try to be calm and get him to see it in another way. good luck

[Tazzy_Butterfly515]

how do i convince him to get help he is insistant that i want to lock him up and throw away the key

[sweetpea03]

I agree with specialmom, for the sake of your children, insist that he gets therapy or you should get the kids and get out. They don't need to be seeing all of this. It's not healthy for anyone involved. He needs to get help and you and your children need a better environment. Good luck.

[Tazzy_Butterfly515]

he is so out of control when he goes into his tiraids that it does not matter who is around and that includes the children our oldest is always telling him daddy you should just be nice and it will all be ok and its really sad because she is only four years old

[specialmom]

You are in a really tough place.  I am not sure what to tell you.  You can't force someone to get help.  You can't force someone to change.  But you also can not live with someone that is willing to hurt you.  And Lordy, I hope he isn't burning and cutting himself and carrying on in front of your children.  This sounds quite unhealthy and dangerous.  I'm glad he has never hurt the children physically but I think some emotional damage may be occuring.  

I think you insist he get help (as in see a psychiatrist for underlying mental health issues, a therapist to talk things through with and some type of behavioral therapy for anger management) or you must seperate.  Hate to say it but I don't think you have much choice.  good luck  Oh yeah---------- this is only my opinion.  

[Tazzy_Butterfly515]

he is not doing drugs anymore he hasnt done drugs in years i gave him an ultimatum when i was pregnant with our oldest child me and our daughter or the drugs and he does not go after the children he does come after me but then turns it onto himself burning himself cutting himself and doing everything he can think of i have tried to get him to go to counsiling and i have even tried to go to counsiling with him but he absolutly refuses to go he says there is nothing wrong with him and he blames it all on me i know it has to be an underlining medical issue but he tells me im wrong for it

[specialmom]

Oh boy.  This sounds like a very volatile and tumultous relationship.  Is he still drinking or using drugs?  Was his drinking/drugs masking problems with depression and anxiety?  I ask that because many people that are depressed/anxious tend to react with angry outbursts.  Not to sound sexist but this is more common in men than women.  Could something like this be going on?  

If it is, he needs to see a doctor and might be prescribed an antidepressent.  Often someone will turn to drugs and alcohol to self medicate--------  by the way.  But if he treats this underlying condition of depression with anxiety, he may then have fewer and less intense angry outbursts.  Would he be willing to talk to you about this?  See a doctor?  Start therapy as talk therapy with medication is the best chance to overcome depression fully?

Would he consider anger management courses/therapy?  I think that you may be in a position to force this or you can not stay.  Once violence is introduced into the situation, it becomes too dangerous to stay in.  You really have to protect yourself and the children.  Does he break phones only or does he come after you and the kids?  Because that can NOT happen.  

I wonder about the drug use or drinking now due to the volatile way you describe him.  The highs and lows and paranoia.  

You must be safe first and foremost.  If you are not, then you must leave.  I like to keep families together but not if one is going to do harm to the other.  good luck