Aa
what do I do?
I recently found out I am pregnant about a week and a half ago, not the best timing, but it happened. There is nothing I can do now. My boyfriend used to be really supportive and very sweet. He was great, though he has been acting weird ever since we found out about our little one on the way. We're both in college and nervous about it. Though he's really pulled back a lot and doesn't talk to me much. I'm scared and want him there for support. He said he won't leave me, but he's not talking much with me right now at all. What is going on with him? I've asked him about why he's been so distant, but he didn't say anything. What do I do now? I don't want to lose him and I want my boyfriend back.
Hi everyone -
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We deleted posts that were offensive, judgmental, rude, off-topic or uncalled for in some way. We also deleted some posts that were in response to those now-deleted posts, as they would make no sense without the now-deleted posts.
If your post was deleted because it was offensive, check your email that you used to sign up with for an explanation. We didn't send messages to those who wrote the follow up posts.
Remember that MedHelp is a safe and supportive environment for everyone, and we need everyone's help to keep it that way. If you don't believe someone, or agree with their choices, that's ok. Perhaps it's better to not respond if you can't come up with something constructive and respectful to say.
If anyone has questions about their personal posts, just PM me, and let's keep this thread on topic, ok?
Emily
I'm as curious about this as Sam on this one... I didn't see anything offensive.
Other than the 'call for clarification of information', the posts were completely innocuous.
I guess it's not completely implausible for someone to be dating someone for both 6yrs & 10yrs. For someone to be both a college student & a medical resident. For someone to live both in CA & OR. All the posts asked for was clarification...
That being said, being that the comments strayed from the members original topic, I can see why they were possibly deleted???
It's helpful when a member asks a question, and is looking for feedback, if we MH'ers have accurate information, so we can assist and give opinions that will actually HELP the member in their quest for answers.
I feel sure this will be deleted, but hopefully it'll be read before it's discarded.
Other than the 'call for clarification of information', the posts were completely innocuous.
I guess it's not completely implausible for someone to be dating someone for both 6yrs & 10yrs. For someone to be both a college student & a medical resident. For someone to live both in CA & OR. All the posts asked for was clarification...
That being said, being that the comments strayed from the members original topic, I can see why they were possibly deleted???
It's helpful when a member asks a question, and is looking for feedback, if we MH'ers have accurate information, so we can assist and give opinions that will actually HELP the member in their quest for answers.
I feel sure this will be deleted, but hopefully it'll be read before it's discarded.
CORRECTION: Just out of curiosity can someone massage me with what happened on this thread? My e-mail shows about 6 or seven posts more than what are posted! Many from some pretty solid people. Has Medhelp cracked? Does anyone know who the moderator is on this string?
MODERATOR: PLEASE MESSAGE ME WITH WHAT WAS OFFENSIVE ON THIS STRING.
MODERATOR: PLEASE MESSAGE ME WITH WHAT WAS OFFENSIVE ON THIS STRING.
Just out of curiousity can someone massage me with what happened on this thread? My e-mail shows about 6 or seven posts more than what are posted! Many from some pretty solid people. Has Medhelp cracked? Does anyone know who the moderator is on this string?
Flustered and hormonal because she just found out she was pregnant less than a week ago?
I'm just sayin'...
I'm just sayin'...
All of this info hasn't sunken in, I learned about being pregnant a week ago. I know I have to move forward and I will. I'm not stupid. It's a lot of what I am thinking out loud and trying to get my mind around it all, if I have it written down, it's easier to see it all. I spent today with my boyfriend at my parents house and feel a lot better after talking to them all. My parents are being a lot more supportive and my boyfriend promised he'd be there. He got a lot of cr@p from his sisters about backing away from me lately and he had time to think about it all. He said he's all on board from now on. The more I think about the situation, the more attached I get to my baby. I don't know how I'd do it if I were a single mom, but I think I could make it work. Though I am VERY happy my boyfriend is back to being who he had been before. He's a great man. He recently got promoted at work at the bank. He's been doing well and I'm really proud of him. I'm feeling a lot better about everything now that I have more support. This isn't something I wanted to go through alone. Thanks for the help ladies!
I think you have gotten a lot of great advice here and I can't really add much to it. But I did want to add that it seemed as though you were saying something along the lines of you keeping the baby if your boyfriend sticks around, but considering adoption if he leaves you. I guess I just urge you to really think long and hard about if you really want to give someone else that much power over your life. I would not let this person define your future for you. That is giving him A LOT of power. And even if you end up with this guy and even marry him, there are no guarantees for the future. I certainly don't mean to sound negative. I am very committed to my husband and family. I am only trying to say that you just never know what the future holds for your relationship and I just would not let your boyfriend (solely your boyfriend) determine your future or your baby's.
I can tell you as a mother of 6, that there is no greater gift or blessing than that of a child. Children do change your life. But they only add to it. Your baby will enrich your life and will only make you more determine to excel at whatever you want to do. You will want to be the best that you can for your child. You will see.....Good luck! I have been in a similar situation.
I can tell you as a mother of 6, that there is no greater gift or blessing than that of a child. Children do change your life. But they only add to it. Your baby will enrich your life and will only make you more determine to excel at whatever you want to do. You will want to be the best that you can for your child. You will see.....Good luck! I have been in a similar situation.
Is this the surgical resident from earlier this year with the 10 year difference that you posted about?
Is he prepared to give up residency and possibly becoming a surgeon? Could that possibly be what he is concerned about?
Is he prepared to give up residency and possibly becoming a surgeon? Could that possibly be what he is concerned about?
Thanks,
that is essentially what I was trying to say. Further self pity leads to depression, and depression leads to not caring and not caring almost never leads to anything good.
The best way to get over a funk about how horrible the world is, and it can be horrible is to adjust your own attitude (Read Napolean Hill or Steven Covey's books) and change your situation.
It is all well and good to talk about how horrible things are, but ultimately parenthood is all about responsibility, and while having a partner can give you a break sometimes, and you cannot rely on other people to do anything more than inform you, and maybe assist you a bit but a baby is kind of like wearing "the buck stops here" t-shirt.
No one else can or really should have to assume your responsibilities for you.
that is essentially what I was trying to say. Further self pity leads to depression, and depression leads to not caring and not caring almost never leads to anything good.
The best way to get over a funk about how horrible the world is, and it can be horrible is to adjust your own attitude (Read Napolean Hill or Steven Covey's books) and change your situation.
It is all well and good to talk about how horrible things are, but ultimately parenthood is all about responsibility, and while having a partner can give you a break sometimes, and you cannot rely on other people to do anything more than inform you, and maybe assist you a bit but a baby is kind of like wearing "the buck stops here" t-shirt.
No one else can or really should have to assume your responsibilities for you.
I'm going to say what I THINK SeriousSam was trying to say, but I'm going to be a lot nicer about it:
The timing is unfortunate. The fact that your boyfriend does or doesn't want to play and active role, is unfortunate. The fact this is happening at all, unplanned, is unfortunate.
This only JUST happened, and you have a right to be 'shell shocked' and taken aback and upset with your boyfriend and distraught about the circumstances, BUT
(and I think this is what Sam was trying to say)...
at some point you're going to have to lift yourself up by your boot-straps, and with or without the help & support of your boyfriend who either will or won't be there, you're going to have to get the ball rolling and start planning to have a beautiful baby.
That being said, this is still very new and fresh for you both, and it DOES $uck that he can 'get away from it' and you're 'stuck with it', but the time will come when you'll take comfort in that feeling of being 'stuck with it', because that 'it' is your beautiful child.
The timing is unfortunate. The fact that your boyfriend does or doesn't want to play and active role, is unfortunate. The fact this is happening at all, unplanned, is unfortunate.
This only JUST happened, and you have a right to be 'shell shocked' and taken aback and upset with your boyfriend and distraught about the circumstances, BUT
(and I think this is what Sam was trying to say)...
at some point you're going to have to lift yourself up by your boot-straps, and with or without the help & support of your boyfriend who either will or won't be there, you're going to have to get the ball rolling and start planning to have a beautiful baby.
That being said, this is still very new and fresh for you both, and it DOES $uck that he can 'get away from it' and you're 'stuck with it', but the time will come when you'll take comfort in that feeling of being 'stuck with it', because that 'it' is your beautiful child.
It takes two to have sex, be responsible for birth control, and to make a relationship work. That old saying of hindsite is always 20/20 is true. Life is full of risks and consequences. No matter what our age, when we lie down and have sex with someone, we are taking a risk. These things happen. Now, the deed is done and there is a little one coming into this world and several things are going to happen as a result. Both people took the risk and the rusult of taking that risk is that both people have responsibility to the child from now on. That is a fact. The relationship on the other hand may or may not be salvageable from the standpoint of future marriage and all that good stuff, the verdict is still out on that one. If you choose to have this baby and keep this baby should be a mutual decision of course but if the bf bails then that changes the game plan to some extent. Then those decisions are yours alone. It would appear the bf is not handling this well and is disappointed in the turn of events. Time to see what he is going to do is what it will take to get those answers. The family will step up eventually so again, you have a waiting game. Now in the interim it leaves you feeling isolated, and alone with no where to turn. First you must decide how you want this to turn out and what your options are if your bf does not come around. You must take this time to decide what you want your life to be in case of worst case scenario. You are going to get attached very quickly to this child growing inside you so think of options based on that scenario first. That way with or without the bf you have a direction to go to. And call home again and talk to mom and literally tell her you need her. Her love for you will outweigh the disappointment, you will see. She is the one you need at this point in time and tell her that in no uncertain terms. This experience will indeed change your life but it will not ruin it.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Anonymous, it is indeed unfair. That is why you must take care of yourself in this situation. Maybe he will come around and hopefully you have not built up too much resentment by then. He doesn't realize the damage his disappearing act is doing to your trust in him.
Just give it time and see how this unfolds. There is still hope that he is just absorbing this and will come back full force and be there for you. I think when you talk to him------ ask him about how HE feels about the baby without putting any words into his mouth from how you think he should feel about being a father. It is very true that we never know what is going on in someone else's mind (whether we are male or female or they are male or female)--------- and when they shut us out . . . we are left to guess. Our mind wanders to bad places with that and maybe that is not where he is at all. We are ALL only guessing and until you hear it from him, you won't know.
But you DO know how you feel and it sounds hurt and scared. I'm very sorry for that. I wish you peace and luck.
Just give it time and see how this unfolds. There is still hope that he is just absorbing this and will come back full force and be there for you. I think when you talk to him------ ask him about how HE feels about the baby without putting any words into his mouth from how you think he should feel about being a father. It is very true that we never know what is going on in someone else's mind (whether we are male or female or they are male or female)--------- and when they shut us out . . . we are left to guess. Our mind wanders to bad places with that and maybe that is not where he is at all. We are ALL only guessing and until you hear it from him, you won't know.
But you DO know how you feel and it sounds hurt and scared. I'm very sorry for that. I wish you peace and luck.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not fair that he can just go away and think and you're stuck being pregnant the whole time. You just have to try and find the silver lining. That's the only way you'll make it through with your sanity intact :) I hope he comes around for you! But I promise, if you push to hard you will probably just push him away. If you give him space then there is still a chance he'll come back :)
I think the difference between surgery and parenthood is once you recover after a month or so everything is back to what it was. Men can understand pain and help with that. But parenthood never goes away. It costs money and time and possibly change his future forever. If he has goals for his future he may be afraid this will interfere with it. I know my husband takes a long time to get used to change like that. So he may need to think through all his options with how to keep his goals but with an extra expense and time consumer like a baby......
If you're a praying person, now is a good time to start praying. Pray for peace and for your boyfriend to come around and take up his responsibilities.
In the meantime, I'm glad you have a good support system around you!
I think the difference between surgery and parenthood is once you recover after a month or so everything is back to what it was. Men can understand pain and help with that. But parenthood never goes away. It costs money and time and possibly change his future forever. If he has goals for his future he may be afraid this will interfere with it. I know my husband takes a long time to get used to change like that. So he may need to think through all his options with how to keep his goals but with an extra expense and time consumer like a baby......
If you're a praying person, now is a good time to start praying. Pray for peace and for your boyfriend to come around and take up his responsibilities.
In the meantime, I'm glad you have a good support system around you!
Sam no one can say what's going on in his mind not even you. You may be a male but not all men think the same. Unless you are telepathic then I would say ok but I highly doubt you are. Yes he could be scared and that's what it sounds like to me but you have no idea if he is going to decide to stay or go or what. We will have to see.
It is SO unfair that he can get space and think and I can't get away from the situation. I try not to think about and then feel sick and remember the baby is in me. I want to just sit and talk with him. I don't want to be alone through this. I sat and cried with my best friend earlier tonight. I'm so afraid he'll leave me. He's helped me through so much and we've been there for each other. I can't believe he'd back away now of all times.
SeriousSam, you may know what the male mind thinks at times, but you do NOT know what us females think. Don't categorize me into some female who would purposely get pregnant to keep a guy or what ever you had in mind. You don't know what it's like to be in my situation and never will.
SeriousSam, you may know what the male mind thinks at times, but you do NOT know what us females think. Don't categorize me into some female who would purposely get pregnant to keep a guy or what ever you had in mind. You don't know what it's like to be in my situation and never will.
Of course I am writing from my experience. We all do. Which is one I am replying. She wanted to know what was going on with her boyfriend and having been there once from a slightly older experience where I was living with my fiancee'. I was more mature at the time but I had more life experience and a different personality. I have also known other guys who were in similar situations. On right out of highschool.
However if you will just explain from a female perspective what is going on accurately in the average male mind.... You are probably going to be very insightful and a good fiction writer.
However if you will just explain from a female perspective what is going on accurately in the average male mind.... You are probably going to be very insightful and a good fiction writer.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I know it is hard. Just stay calm and give him that space. Give him a chance to get himself together with this new chapter in his life and you'll get a clearer picture where he is really at in his head. Take lots of deep breaths, a warm bath and do something nice for yourself. Maybe tomorrow you will be able to talk when you get together but if he needs a little space, as painful as that feels, just try to give it to him.
I know you can't get any space from it . . . which feels unfair. But just try to get through this period of uncertainty and know that things will be more clear as time goes on. Hang in there. Let us know how things go tomorrow and sorry you feel alone right now.
I know you can't get any space from it . . . which feels unfair. But just try to get through this period of uncertainty and know that things will be more clear as time goes on. Hang in there. Let us know how things go tomorrow and sorry you feel alone right now.
I had never thought of my boyfriend as one to run away from responsibility or problems, but maybe he is now. We talked a little last night and he said he wanted a little space to think. I don't know what he means by that and it worries me. I have a small network of support, through my cousin, aunt and uncle, and a few friends. My parents still aren't real happy about this. Though my dad is kinda coming around, he loves kids and this would be the first grandbaby. I babysat a neighbor's toddler all day and I know I don't want to be a single mom. I couldn't do it. I would love to have my boyfriend back. I just don't get what is going on in his head. He's never been like this before, even through hard times I've been through last year with major surgery and the long recovery period. He has tomorrow off of work, so we'll both go to my parent's house. He sent a random text today saying "I love you" and then I responded and asked a question about tomorrow, but he didn't answer back. I'm going to call him tonight after he gets off work, or maybe drive down there.
The issue here is the father is being cold and distant and she's left to figure out what she's going to do. Sam it would be different if he wanted to be there and she was doing whatever she wanted without cares for how he felt. But in this situation, he's providing no emotional support. They are both scared here and I'm sure that is why he is pulling away. Some people (not only men), have issues with life changing events and don't know how to deal with it. Sit him down and talk with him about what he expects for the future. You don't need to rush to the alter but you want to make sure that he will be there for this child. Good luck.
I think you are rude serious sam and I think you are trying to dump your experience on other people, it doesn' seem to apply here.....
anonymous : It's possible he's having a tough time digesting the information and needs some time to think about it, everybody has their own way of dealing with things. It does sound like he may be running away with his problems. My first thought is that he said all that stuff about marriage and stuff if you got pregnant to keep you around, most women wont stay in a relationship if there isn't a future although a lot of young men do like the idea of sex with no attachments, maybe once the baby came along that ruined his fun....Or maybe it scared him to think it came way earlier than he was expecting.
I like to assume the worst because I would rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed, with that being said, I would call him (and leave a message if he refuses to answer) that if he is unwilling to be a part of the pregnancy/birth process then you will decide what will be done with the baby on your own, which may include adoption. Then you have 9 months to see if he comes around and if you are ready for it. You can always do an open adoption where they can find you later on if they choose that way you aren't cut completely from the baby, or you can do closed adoption and close that part of your life to make it easier to move on. Either way is good. Think about yours and the babies future and do what you think is best, there are plenty of people out their who struggle with fertility and would love to adopt one.
I hope he comes around for you! In the meantime find a group of people who will support you because you'll need support through this :)
We're here too, their is a pregnancy forum full of supportive women! :)
anonymous : It's possible he's having a tough time digesting the information and needs some time to think about it, everybody has their own way of dealing with things. It does sound like he may be running away with his problems. My first thought is that he said all that stuff about marriage and stuff if you got pregnant to keep you around, most women wont stay in a relationship if there isn't a future although a lot of young men do like the idea of sex with no attachments, maybe once the baby came along that ruined his fun....Or maybe it scared him to think it came way earlier than he was expecting.
I like to assume the worst because I would rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed, with that being said, I would call him (and leave a message if he refuses to answer) that if he is unwilling to be a part of the pregnancy/birth process then you will decide what will be done with the baby on your own, which may include adoption. Then you have 9 months to see if he comes around and if you are ready for it. You can always do an open adoption where they can find you later on if they choose that way you aren't cut completely from the baby, or you can do closed adoption and close that part of your life to make it easier to move on. Either way is good. Think about yours and the babies future and do what you think is best, there are plenty of people out their who struggle with fertility and would love to adopt one.
I hope he comes around for you! In the meantime find a group of people who will support you because you'll need support through this :)
We're here too, their is a pregnancy forum full of supportive women! :)
Well she knows my boyfriend isn't around. He isn't helping out much right now, when I could use his support. I'm not even far along, and already have some difficult symptoms. I've felt sick, the thought of some food makes me want to hurl, and I have added stress from my family. I could use some help! He's "busy" at work, though he had never been before. We always made time for each other. I said I'd look into adoption, if I think it's best. If he can't step up, and I don't know if I can do it alone, then yea, I would absolutely go for adoption. My cousin is adopted and I think it's great. It's an option I'll consider. I want the best for my baby, no matter what. My baby deserves a good family. That can happen with my boyfriend and I if he stops acting like this. ugh, I'm too emotional. He needs to answer his phone.
The baby isn't even born, you don't really know much about dad and your suggesting she try arranging an adoption totally cutting dad out of his kids life?
You are right it is not about gender and you do give good advice on a lot of things but your "deal breakers" should never affect the children only the parents and you don't necessarily give the same advice when the perpetrator of your unforgivable offenses are reversed.
The honest truth is that many things like infidelity are secondary indicators of other problems most of which could be fixed.
WHat is going on now is a matter of faith, doubt and trust. She just needs to separate the doubts in his faith and concentrate on keeping a minimal amount at least interaction with the boyfriend. Trust can be rebuilt but I saw something similar not to long ago where a girl quit getting her shot because she felt if made her swell up too much.
Want to take guesses on how big she had swollen to after nine months?
You are right it is not about gender and you do give good advice on a lot of things but your "deal breakers" should never affect the children only the parents and you don't necessarily give the same advice when the perpetrator of your unforgivable offenses are reversed.
The honest truth is that many things like infidelity are secondary indicators of other problems most of which could be fixed.
WHat is going on now is a matter of faith, doubt and trust. She just needs to separate the doubts in his faith and concentrate on keeping a minimal amount at least interaction with the boyfriend. Trust can be rebuilt but I saw something similar not to long ago where a girl quit getting her shot because she felt if made her swell up too much.
Want to take guesses on how big she had swollen to after nine months?
My boyfriend knows me better than that. lol. We've been together long enough. We had plans for what our future would be. I wouldn't purposely get myself pregnant right now. I broke down crying when I saw the positive pregnancy tests. I knew my parents would be pissed off at me, and they have been really upset. It's added stress to the family, that my parents don't need. I don't want the stress either. I have a lot going for me, well had a lot going for me. I basically had an in for physical therapy school, but everything has been put on hold. I'm still going to go for my career, but it'll just take longer now. Have to change some plans and make this all work.
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