what do i do with my marriage?

[solovely11]

For starters, my husband and i got married before we were ready, but no doubt in love. And he has made some reckless mistakes to push me further and further. But he always cries, begs and promises he will fix everything and we can make it. well i decided we needed time apart so we are currently separated but planning to get back together. during this time apart though, ive been having thoughts on how we would be if we actually divorced? would i be happier? would i find someone else i could love? and the biggest struggle i have is could i see him move on to someone else? know that he is making love to someone else?? is it normal to have these thoughts? i want to give my all to see if our marriage can work, but am i trying too much?

[TTinKKerBBell]

I think BluCrystal's suggestion is great......and SpecialMom's advice as well.

There is "good" and "bad" in all relationships.  When the "bad" outweighs the "good" perhaps it is time for change.

Good Luck

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I think those thoughts are pretty normal.  It is good to shut your eyes and picture what it would feel like to not live with him ever again.  In some regards it is going to feel like a relief if you've had problems and in others, it will feel very sad.  Both are perfectly normal emotions about it.  What you then do is think about which one outweighs the other.  If you couldn't bare to not have him in your life, then the relationship deserves one more chance to heal and progress.  But for a relationship to heal and progress, it helps to think about exactly where the break down is.  

Once you've thought about that, think about what your own contribution is to that break down.  This is really key because the only person we can control is ourselves.  I've seen relationships get completely better when one partner begins making changes with how they've been handling things, changing the patterns, etc.  Example, he escalates and gets mad and then yells.  Okay, HE shouldn't yell.  But only HE can control that.  What can you control?  Well, you know what the pattern of discussion has been that leads to escalation.  Break that pattern and try something different.  Then the escalation doesn't occur.  Then there is less yelling, then you are happier as a couple.  That is a simple example.  But that is the general idea.

Also, if there is behavior that you really desire on his part, begin doing it with him.  So often---  it is amazing how someone will take that lead.  

These are just thoughts to help when you reconcile.

If the relief part does seem like it will feel better, don't let fear stop you.  You only have one life to live and you need to make it a happy one.   sure, it can't be happy and perfect all the time but we need to try our best to be in a good situation.  

I do wish you luck dear.  peace

[BluCrystal]

I have a way that you can see for yourself what your own marriage looks like from another point of view, in a manner of speaking.  Get out a pen and paper.  Draw a line down the middle.  You will do this with a couple of peices of paper.  On top of the first paper, write 'why we married'.  In the first column, write the good reasons (being in love love him).  In the second column, write the selfish reasons (he can help me with money).  NOTE: none of this is to refer to him, it is only about you and your own feelings.  Be honest, no one but you will see it.  Think outside the box, and write all the answers down.  When you are done, you will see what is more than the other: mostly good reasons, or mostly selfish ones.  Next paper title 'how I like being married'.  The first column will be what you liked (sharing time with him) all the way until you split up: some of these will wind up on the other side of the page and vice-versa, that's okay.  The second column will be what you did not like (he refuses to do laundry).  This page is your 'snapshot' of your marriage, the way you felt being in it.  Third page, title 'the pros and cons of staying married'.  One side pros, one side cons.  Now look at all your papers.  You have every answer you need, written by YOU.  The YOU part is the most important, since it is about you, and noone else knows you or your marriage like you do.  Let me know how this works out for you.  Blessings - Blu