Lying, Cheating, Rationalizing, hurting those around me

[Liliana_Kenzie]

I am a 31 year old woman.  I have been married for 3 years to a wonderful man whom I've known for well over 15 years, we have a beautiful 19 month old daughter.  I have been dealing with anxiety in social situations since I was a young child.  When I was about 13 depression also came on board.  I never had many friends, I was always quite shy and introverted.  When I was 24 I went away to college about 500km from home.  As soon as I was on my own and didn't have to answer to anyone I started being reckless.  I slept with the first guy that showed me any kind of friendship or kindness.  I then slept with my neighbor across the hall, and started a relationship with him, all the while dating my future husband - I confessed to cheating on him and broke up with him.  After a tumutuous relationship with my new boyfriend we finally broke up after six months.  I feared being alone and asked my future husband if he would consider getting back together - he agreed.  In my second year of college I moved in with a group of male friends.  Once again being on my own my old habits of flirting, one night stands, and partying returned.  I was always left disappointed in myself, I felt used, dirty and worthless - and also extremely lonely.  This time I did not confess to my boyfriend of my cheating lifestyle - I loved him so much but I couldn't deal with being alone.  So after I finished college we moved in together and resumed a monogamous relationship.  We eventually got married and here we are.  In my early 20s I did accept help for my anxiety and depression from my family doctor and was put on antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs which seemed to keep me happy and able to function in my jobs and relationships.  Well one night a couple years ago we had our good friends over who are married and became good friends of ours.  They propositioned us with swapping spouses.  At first I was extremely upset and scared that of course my husband would leave me if I acted on this temptation.  We talked it over and my husband seemed intrigued and we went ahead and did it.  So every so often when we saw them we would also engage in this behavior.  Me and the other husband then decided if it was ok for us to have sex during these occasions then why wouldn't it be ok if we also did it outside of those times.  I lied to him and said that my husband was ok with it.  So we started meeting about once or twice a week at our house for these sexual encounters.  I always made sure my daughter was still asleep in bed or down for a nap.  This went on for some time but the guilt started to set in and we both knew what we were doing was wrong.  I took it upon myself to tell his wife what was going on, and I also confessed to my husband.  Of course they both were very upset that we had betrayed their trust and our marriages started to fall apart.  She threatened divorce and my husband said he could never trust me again - our marriage is on the verge of collapse.  We want to stay together for the sake of our daughter and we do love each other very much.  I also kept some secrets to myself, I had also been in contact with an old highschool friend - we got on to the subject of sex and he revealed to me how unhappy and lonely he was.  I wanted to help him out and one day we met and did have sex - but never again.  I also was frequenting sexual match websites and met a man there for a date and we had sex at that time - we never saw eachother after that either.  I feel so terrible, so out of control, so dishonest.  I want to hold my marriage together, I have given up on my other sexual goings on and have committed myself to my husband.  He has the password to my cell phone records, my email password, and my social account password.  I want to mend what I have broken, and I want to have a happy marriage and a happy life.  I don't know why I gave in to temptation so easily, how I rationalized what I was doing was just a minor misgiving, and I really wasn't doing anything wrong.  How can I change for good, and how can I repair my trust in myself and in my husbands eyes?

[Liliana_Kenzie]

I am going to go see a psychologist tomorrow, the first step....

[specialmom]

That is so great.  What I am also concerned with is that perhaps your husband is not that partner. He DID agree to swapping and therefore has some issues himself that are not condusive to a solid monagomous relationship.  That is for you two to figure out but I'd be concerned about overcoming this after he agreed to sex outside the marriage as well.  I do wish you luck and think you are smart to find a therapist to help figure this out.  good luck

[Liliana_Kenzie]

I agree with everything that everyone has said here.  I am committed to stopping my impulsive, dishonest, unfaithful behavior.  I am a good person, I just need to realize that I am deserving of a real solid relationship and all the love that is already there waiting for me.  Thank you for your feedback, and yes I am considering seeing a therapist.  I just need an ear to listen and a place to put my feelings.

[Crystalgodess]

Sounds like you have commitment & sexual anxiety/disorder. You have done many disloyal things for your husband to feel the way he does. Best suggestion I could impose it "counseling". Wish you best of luck !

[specialmom]

Oh, and don't think that I am beating up on you.  We ALL make mistakes and are evolving in our journey called life.  Learning from the mistakes and taking that knowledge with you to the next phase of life is critical for happiness. You DO sound like you are learning a lesson.  Consequence can be the best teacher sometimes but it does really hurt.   Hope you are able to work it all out. good luck

[specialmom]

Hon.  Your husband thought it was okay for you to have sex with the other man while he was there.  You thought it was okay for HIM to have sex with the other lady there.  You are BOTH unfaithful to your marriage vows.  You both cheated.  You both have secrets and issues that are not condusive to a real and solid relationship.  I think that you need to call your insurance company and get some names to therapists in your area and begin calling their offices to see who would be a good fit for you.  Yep, you've got some work to do hon.  Your self esteem is low.  Your impulse control is low.  You use sex as a band aid to the emotions inside of you.  It will never ever get better that way. And you need to explore how you got to where you are now.  Personally, I'd never get the image of my husband with another woman out of my mind and I think ultimately, you and your husband will not make it through this.  I'm not trying to be harsh but you do have a lot of baggage and his williness to go along with the swapping means he does as well.  Two loads of baggage are too much for a marriage to carry.  If you would like to try to save the marriage--------  marriage counseling together.  

But, that you are struggling with how to stop doing it, how to stop lying, you have crossed over into an area that needs a serious therapist to address it.  If you suffer from anxiety and depression, treatment is important.  Maybe it is at the root???  But there is more and you need to find out what that is to change your life.  good luck