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I think I was molested as a child, but have no memory regarding it.

I have always wondered about it, but I do not have memory of anything happening. My father was a convicted child molester. I was with him every other week as a child and when I was three or so I went home to my mother and said, "Daddy put a hot knife on my privates." I do have some memory of this, but not of the actual event. I remember sitting on the kitchen counter while it happened, but i do not rememberbwhat the object used was. I know that you can create memories that didn't even happen, so it makes me question myself. Around that time, I developed a bad urinary tract infection (I believe that's what it was) and had to be taken to the doctor. I remember that worrying my mother and it led her to ask if anyone had hurt me or touched me that way. I think I told her no, but I was so young. From then on, I was fascinated with sexual things though I didn't know what they were at that young of an age. I would lay on top of my big teddy bears and kiss them and then sort of grind in them in a sexual way. I don't know where I learned that from. It comforted me to fall asleep with things in my panties -- one day my mother woke me up because I had balled up my doll and left her there. I did that every night and got very upset when I didn't have anything to put there. I also used to touch myself a lot -- not only in private areas, but just do strange things. I used to always get long objects like pencils and markers and stick them in my belly button and twist them around and move them in and out. I got some sort of pleasure from this, but don't know how to describe it. I was about four when I started doing this. I know this all sounds strange and it's very hard for me to post this but I need some advice on wether or not these things are normal. I became obsessed with masturbation at a younger age then most, I think when I was nine. I would do it in the same room as my mom, even. When her back was turned. She never saw me, but she could have easily. It wasn't me taking my pants off or anything, I would kind of just grind on the floor until I got release. I also started to become fascinated with pornography and reading BDSM, rape and torture stories at that young of an age. I don't do that anymore but I did as a kid.
Around the age of 8, my mom had a man that she was seeing. He came over a lot and liked to "cuddle." He would put me in his lap and sort of straddle me, and grind against me and pant. I was too young to know what was happening and it happened all the time and made me uncomfortable. I did tell my mother but she didn't do anything about it. Later, i now knowbthat what i was feeling was his erection he was pushing against me. It makes me feel sick to think about. This happened after my strange sexual behavior as a tiny child though, and that's the part I'm confused about.

Now, at 17, when I have sex with my boyfriend of 2 years, I never feel quite comfortable. It isn't that I don't want it, it's that it makes me feel painfully self conscious. In the past year that we have been having sex, he has NEVER seen me with my shirt off or when it isn't dark. I don't like telling him what I enjoy or what feels good because it makes me feel painfully uncomfortable and oftentimes I cry afterward (even during, a couple times) for reasons I can't explain. I just start sobbing. He's very patient and gentle with me, and he always tells me we don't have to have sex if I don't want, but that isn't the problem. I initiate it often. It just makes me disoriented sometimes and I don't understand why. Sometimes he will be touching me and even that makes me want to cry. Just him touching me, even though he's trying to make me feel good. I have no explanation for that. I am not afraid of him at all and he would never hurt me or do anything to make me sad. I'm very confused.
My main question is, I think that someone molested me when I was very young, from ages three to five or somewhere in that range. But I have no memory of it. Am I just coming to conclusions that don't make sense? It's making me very depressed and isolated.
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134578 tn?1614729226
I suspect you were molested, also, simply from what you told your mother about your father.  It's hard to believe she let you go to a convicted child molester every other week when you were little, especially after telling her that he put a hot knife against your privates.

I'd seek therapy, but would be dubious about any that offer you hypnosis to find the lost memories.  I do think they could be found with a good therapist, but have also heard they can be created if the therapist offers leading questions, and that will just confuse things.

I don't suppose you could ask your dad what he did to you, but could you ask your mother what steps she took to keep you away from your dad once you told her the thing about the knife or once you had the infection?
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Well you were molested by that man.  Perhaps also your father, so you should go for counseling.

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They were in the midst of a custody battle. They knew he was a child molester in the past (supposedly) and it was required that I was with him every other week until all was resolved. In the end,mthey granted him full custody. Which is ridiculous. And I cried so much he ended up giving me back to my mother after a week. He moved away after that. I see him once a year.
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