Aa
On-line relationship results in confusion
I met a man on-line in January. I am 47, he is 46. We have corresponded by phone and email regularly, exchanging photographs, since that time. We finally met in person this past weekend. I planned my trip to be 5 days. He met me at the airport in his town, and we went for coffee. He seemed attentive and "as advertised," so to speak. I felt an immediate physical attraction to him. We returned to a hotel room that he had booked, and we talked and began "making out." I never removed my clothes. He wore an undershirt and his boxer shorts. He prematurely ejaculated on my trousers. Then he said, "Let's go to bed and hold each other tonight." There was no further touching, no further physical contact, in bed or otherwise. He showed me around town the following day. He was cold, distant, and inattentive during our remaining time together. That evening, he told me there were "no pheromones." (He was not attracted to me, apparently.) I was stunned and saddened. I asked to be driven to the airport the following morning, and he did this. We slept apart that night. Once I arrived home, I had two emails waiting for me, saying he made a mistake, he missed me, he loved me, and he did not express what was really in his heart, he had shut down, and everything, all of his actions, were wrong, and he was ashamed of his behavior. He apologized.
I have not responded to him yet. I am torn about this man. We have much in common, but I was humiliated during my stay with him. He is someone I could fall in love with, or thought I could. How should I proceed?
I have not responded to him yet. I am torn about this man. We have much in common, but I was humiliated during my stay with him. He is someone I could fall in love with, or thought I could. How should I proceed?
I usually agree with you, but this time I would respectfully disagree.
Relationships that begin strongly still require lots of work, care, and love to remain vital. To begin a relationship that started off with a quick trip to a hotel, premature ejaculation (though that in and of itself should not be off-putting to a good relationship), and a cold, distant, hostile response by this man is very troubling. It does NOT bode well for the future.
The red flags are all there. This is not a long term relationship that Babe is looking to work on. Its someone she met online, corresponded with for a short time, and took a chance on meeting. She saw him in person, where the nuances that are lost on the internet become very important in judging character. He treated her badly. There is no reason to work on a relationship that starts off that way, in my opinion.
(It's hard enough when good, strong relationships go sour). Peace out, Monk. Love ya!
Relationships that begin strongly still require lots of work, care, and love to remain vital. To begin a relationship that started off with a quick trip to a hotel, premature ejaculation (though that in and of itself should not be off-putting to a good relationship), and a cold, distant, hostile response by this man is very troubling. It does NOT bode well for the future.
The red flags are all there. This is not a long term relationship that Babe is looking to work on. Its someone she met online, corresponded with for a short time, and took a chance on meeting. She saw him in person, where the nuances that are lost on the internet become very important in judging character. He treated her badly. There is no reason to work on a relationship that starts off that way, in my opinion.
(It's hard enough when good, strong relationships go sour). Peace out, Monk. Love ya!
I have a different take on the situation, more along the lines of first poster. This isn't about you. I'm pretty sure his emotional and physical retreat is due to his rapid ejaculation more than anything else. Unfortunately, our utterly sex-phobic yet sex-obsessed society puts ENORMOUS pressure on guys to "perform" - from themselves, other guys, and women in general. Society practically dictates that guys have to get an erection on command, make sure it's big enough/hard enough for intercourse, then keep it long enough for your partner to be happy - but not too long, because then s/he might get annoyed or sore. Yeow. What enormous pressure, real or imagined. So even if you weren't judgmental or angry, it's all in his perception of what happened. He was probably deeply embarrassed, uncomfortable, and anxious (hence the rapid ejaculation in the first place).
Think about it. Things were good until you started being sexual, he ejaculated involuntarily, and he immediately withdrew emotionally and physically. You responded by likewise withdrawing emotionally and physically, and apparently neither of you discussed anything that happened or your feelings about these events. You went home, and he sent you apologetic and emotional emails begging your forgiveness. At that point, he had the space and distance to feel comfortable expressing his feelings without being TOO vulnerable.
I have a great book suggestion for you - "Great Sex" by Michael Castleman. I think it will help you understand guys a lot better - and help you feel a little better about yourself. I also would suggest TALKING to him about what happened. If you can, take the chance and reach out to him. Ask why he pulled back. Let him know it hurt your feelings and confused you. He probably will have difficulty opening up at first, and that's okay. Give him a chance. And see a sex therapist, together or apart. It will help.
Think about it. Things were good until you started being sexual, he ejaculated involuntarily, and he immediately withdrew emotionally and physically. You responded by likewise withdrawing emotionally and physically, and apparently neither of you discussed anything that happened or your feelings about these events. You went home, and he sent you apologetic and emotional emails begging your forgiveness. At that point, he had the space and distance to feel comfortable expressing his feelings without being TOO vulnerable.
I have a great book suggestion for you - "Great Sex" by Michael Castleman. I think it will help you understand guys a lot better - and help you feel a little better about yourself. I also would suggest TALKING to him about what happened. If you can, take the chance and reach out to him. Ask why he pulled back. Let him know it hurt your feelings and confused you. He probably will have difficulty opening up at first, and that's okay. Give him a chance. And see a sex therapist, together or apart. It will help.
No, he is not married or otherwise involved. This was verified one week prior to my making the trip by several professional colleagues who know both of us.
His phone number is his home phone number, not a cell phone. I have called him, and he has called me, at all hours, and he seems to be the only one around. I know his address because I found it online during a Google search. His email - Verizon. The reason I didn't go to his house - he lives out in the country, outside a medium-sized town. I felt more comfortable staying in the town, even though I did not feel frankly in danger with him with my personal safety. Just didn't think it a good idea to leave the local town.
I'm feeling confident about my decision not to contact him. I know I have heard plenty of stories from friends about nightmare encounters and have jumped in with the same kind of advice - just stop seeing him, stop the contact and move on.
His phone number is his home phone number, not a cell phone. I have called him, and he has called me, at all hours, and he seems to be the only one around. I know his address because I found it online during a Google search. His email - Verizon. The reason I didn't go to his house - he lives out in the country, outside a medium-sized town. I felt more comfortable staying in the town, even though I did not feel frankly in danger with him with my personal safety. Just didn't think it a good idea to leave the local town.
I'm feeling confident about my decision not to contact him. I know I have heard plenty of stories from friends about nightmare encounters and have jumped in with the same kind of advice - just stop seeing him, stop the contact and move on.
You and I are thinking on this matter in a similiar way.
I would be interested to know (if I was the original poster) if the phone # was that of a cell or his home. Too, if his email address was from a free email service.
Irregardless, I agree...it doesn't seem right. I would cut my losses short (be thankful I got home safely) and end it. That being me, though.
I would be interested to know (if I was the original poster) if the phone # was that of a cell or his home. Too, if his email address was from a free email service.
Irregardless, I agree...it doesn't seem right. I would cut my losses short (be thankful I got home safely) and end it. That being me, though.
who dis,
Well said. Well said. Thanks. For the candor, for the objectivity I'm lacking. Thanks.
Well said. Well said. Thanks. For the candor, for the objectivity I'm lacking. Thanks.
Here are my thoughts.
You had never met this man in person. You arranged what must have been a fairly expensive 5 day trip to his town. Within 30 minutes, you were sitting in a hotel room (why not his home??) and when you got up to stretch your legs, he took off his pants and shirt. After some minimal foreplay, he ejaculated on your pants and then proceeded to shut down and ignore you for the rest of the night and treated you like dirt the following day. You had to change your flight and return home early, and in your words felt humiliated. Only after you were safely home, was he apologetic and proclaimed how much he loved you and was sorry.
No, it isn't hard for me to decide what I'd do. This man has obvious issues and problems that certainly go down deep. Lots of people are not what they seem to be via email and the phone lines. You saw him in person, and got a chance to see more of the real person than who you thought you had been communicating with for some months.
I personally would not pursue things furthur. I suspect he's married, though you didn't give a lot of details to support that. Beyond that, the whole scenario calls out for an activation of your common sense. Don't romanticize it. Look at the facts laid out coldly, and make a decision with your head. A man who loves a woman does not act in the way he did, period. Not a man who is healthy and stable emotionally and mentally, anyway.
So those are my thoughts. It's easy for me, because I'm not involved in the situation. Step back and look at the facts of your trip with the eyes of a stranger. Then you might see things a bit clearer. It sounds frankly bizarre.
You had never met this man in person. You arranged what must have been a fairly expensive 5 day trip to his town. Within 30 minutes, you were sitting in a hotel room (why not his home??) and when you got up to stretch your legs, he took off his pants and shirt. After some minimal foreplay, he ejaculated on your pants and then proceeded to shut down and ignore you for the rest of the night and treated you like dirt the following day. You had to change your flight and return home early, and in your words felt humiliated. Only after you were safely home, was he apologetic and proclaimed how much he loved you and was sorry.
No, it isn't hard for me to decide what I'd do. This man has obvious issues and problems that certainly go down deep. Lots of people are not what they seem to be via email and the phone lines. You saw him in person, and got a chance to see more of the real person than who you thought you had been communicating with for some months.
I personally would not pursue things furthur. I suspect he's married, though you didn't give a lot of details to support that. Beyond that, the whole scenario calls out for an activation of your common sense. Don't romanticize it. Look at the facts laid out coldly, and make a decision with your head. A man who loves a woman does not act in the way he did, period. Not a man who is healthy and stable emotionally and mentally, anyway.
So those are my thoughts. It's easy for me, because I'm not involved in the situation. Step back and look at the facts of your trip with the eyes of a stranger. Then you might see things a bit clearer. It sounds frankly bizarre.
You are reading content posted in the Sexuality & Relationships Forum
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
Discharge often isn't normal, and could mean an infection or an STD.
STDs aren't transmitted through clothing. Fabric is a germ barrier.
Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.
