On-line relationship results in confusion

[barn babe]

I met a man on-line in January. I am 47, he is 46. We have corresponded by phone and email regularly, exchanging photographs, since that time. We finally met in person this past weekend. I planned my trip to be 5 days. He met me at the airport in his town, and we went for coffee. He seemed attentive and "as advertised," so to speak. I felt an immediate physical attraction to him. We returned to a hotel room that he had booked, and we talked and began "making out." I never removed my clothes. He wore an undershirt and his boxer shorts. He prematurely ejaculated on my trousers. Then he said, "Let's go to bed and hold each other tonight." There was no further touching, no further physical contact, in bed or otherwise. He showed me around town the following day. He was cold, distant, and inattentive during our remaining time together. That evening, he told me there were "no pheromones." (He was not attracted to me, apparently.) I was stunned and saddened. I asked to be driven to the airport the following morning, and he did this. We slept apart that night. Once I arrived home, I had two emails waiting for me, saying he made a mistake, he missed me, he loved me, and he did not express what was really in his heart, he had shut down, and everything, all of his actions, were wrong, and he was ashamed of his behavior. He apologized.
I have not responded to him yet. I am torn about this man. We have much in common, but I was humiliated during my stay with him. He is someone I could fall in love with, or thought I could. How should I proceed?

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

   Well, that is an amazingly packed adventure. You have a lot of information in it and there should be plenty that gives you pause about pursuing it. I don't know much about all the things you say you have in common but it seems to me that you both may have asked too much from a relationship that had existed previously only in cyberspace and on the phone- and acted too quickly to respond well to the sexual demands placed upon both of you.
  He is obviously ambivalent and troubled about this relationship-- and maybe all relationships.  I like the fact he apologized but the fact is that you have seen a- that he can be cold and distant, and b- that he can say things he either doesnt mean or is so ambivalent that he doesn't know what he means. You also know that he may run away from these feelings and not be able to discuss, face to face, what is going on between the two of you.
   It strikes me that you did have a couple of very difficult days with him. It is hard for me to find any emotional intimacy in the two days- although his emails to you are alive and it may be this medium, rather than real life, where he can feel emotional and loving. There are quite a few people who are able to open up in email, and write beautifully and warmly and seductively, but fail in face to face interaction. You, however, need a man who feels comfortable with you in person.
   His swings of emotion scare me. Taking you directly to a hotel is not emotionally sensitive. Treating you coldly because he was probably embarrassed about premature ejaculation is not a mature reaction. Then sending apologetic emails professing love is a little too much to the other side. I guess what I am saying is that there would have to be an awful lot to balance this ( things you have not put in this email) that would allow me to encourage you to give him a second chance. I am sniffing a lot of neurosis here-- and I wouldn't advise you to get involved with it unless there were some other amazingly compelling parts to him. You need to reconcile, emotionally and intellectually, how the man who rushed you to a hotel, disrobed while you stayed dressed, and treated you distantly and dismissively could be the same person you got interested in online. It may be that the real person is is not truly worthy of your love.