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On-line relationship results in confusion
I met a man on-line in January. I am 47, he is 46. We have corresponded by phone and email regularly, exchanging photographs, since that time. We finally met in person this past weekend. I planned my trip to be 5 days. He met me at the airport in his town, and we went for coffee. He seemed attentive and "as advertised," so to speak. I felt an immediate physical attraction to him. We returned to a hotel room that he had booked, and we talked and began "making out." I never removed my clothes. He wore an undershirt and his boxer shorts. He prematurely ejaculated on my trousers. Then he said, "Let's go to bed and hold each other tonight." There was no further touching, no further physical contact, in bed or otherwise. He showed me around town the following day. He was cold, distant, and inattentive during our remaining time together. That evening, he told me there were "no pheromones." (He was not attracted to me, apparently.) I was stunned and saddened. I asked to be driven to the airport the following morning, and he did this. We slept apart that night. Once I arrived home, I had two emails waiting for me, saying he made a mistake, he missed me, he loved me, and he did not express what was really in his heart, he had shut down, and everything, all of his actions, were wrong, and he was ashamed of his behavior. He apologized.
I have not responded to him yet. I am torn about this man. We have much in common, but I was humiliated during my stay with him. He is someone I could fall in love with, or thought I could. How should I proceed?
I have not responded to him yet. I am torn about this man. We have much in common, but I was humiliated during my stay with him. He is someone I could fall in love with, or thought I could. How should I proceed?
I wanted to add that there were no trust issues with this man regarding my personal safety. We met on a website that is connected to our profession, and we know some of the same people from the website.
Intrigue, thanks for jumping in. We were talking in the hotel room for about 30 minutes, in our clothes, on a settee. I stood up to stretch my legs, get a glass of water, when I came back into the sitting room, he was up and said, "I'm just going to take off my jeans and shirt." And he did that. I was nervous, not a "danger" nervous, just a first-time-partner kind of nervous, and kept my clothes on, it was just a T-shirt and trousers. We both sat back down and continued talking.
No, I did not feel pressured to have sex. In fact, I would say I began the make-out session by stroking his leg while we were talking. He kept his hands off (??not attracted to me) until I began touching him. Then he reciprocated, very tenderly, I might add. Yes, I would have had intercourse with him that evening. Based on his responses to my touching him, it seemed clear he was interested in continuing. I was anticipating that it would move forward to both of us eventually having all clothes off.
I was on top with my head on his chest and belly. He was stroking my back and hips. He then lifted me and pulled me to his face and kissed me while he put his fingers inside my trousers and into my panties. About 10 seconds after that, he said, "Let's go to bed and hold each other." When I stood up, I saw what turned out to be his semen stain on my trousers. As I was looking at it, he said, "I came on you," in a voice completely devoid of emotion. This is when I started realizing things were going wrong, getting strange, whatever. It was downhill from there. We were in a king-size bed, and he slept in his shorts, on the other side of the bed. Kept his distance. No good morning kiss, no hugs, there was no physical contact for the duration of the trip. I was stuck on the corner of Stunned Boulevard and Shame Avenue. A bummer.
I appreciate your questions, your suggestions. I think the sexual stuff, what he wants from me, what I expect from him, needs to be ferreted out, and I do need to go more slowly with him. Appreciate the insightful response.
barn
No, I did not feel pressured to have sex. In fact, I would say I began the make-out session by stroking his leg while we were talking. He kept his hands off (??not attracted to me) until I began touching him. Then he reciprocated, very tenderly, I might add. Yes, I would have had intercourse with him that evening. Based on his responses to my touching him, it seemed clear he was interested in continuing. I was anticipating that it would move forward to both of us eventually having all clothes off.
I was on top with my head on his chest and belly. He was stroking my back and hips. He then lifted me and pulled me to his face and kissed me while he put his fingers inside my trousers and into my panties. About 10 seconds after that, he said, "Let's go to bed and hold each other." When I stood up, I saw what turned out to be his semen stain on my trousers. As I was looking at it, he said, "I came on you," in a voice completely devoid of emotion. This is when I started realizing things were going wrong, getting strange, whatever. It was downhill from there. We were in a king-size bed, and he slept in his shorts, on the other side of the bed. Kept his distance. No good morning kiss, no hugs, there was no physical contact for the duration of the trip. I was stuck on the corner of Stunned Boulevard and Shame Avenue. A bummer.
I appreciate your questions, your suggestions. I think the sexual stuff, what he wants from me, what I expect from him, needs to be ferreted out, and I do need to go more slowly with him. Appreciate the insightful response.
barn
I just have a few questions, if I may. You said you didn't remove your clothing, but he did, down to his shorts. Why did he remove his clothing to that extent, but you refrained? Was your intuition perhaps telling you something? Did he make you feel pressured into having sex at all? If he hadn't prematurely ejaculated, is there a chance he would have eventually conviced you to have intercourse? Is there any possibility that he acted cold the next day because you didn't have sex with him and he was pissed about that but is now writing in hopes of having a second chance with you so you might have sex next time? I know this sounds very jaded, and it is quite possible that he was just embarrassed, but I also know so many women who have been seduced by men they met online who espoused love, but really just wanted sex. If you do decide to meet him again, the telltale sign of whether he really loves you and wants to build a future relationship would be whether he would agree to get to know you well in person before expecting a sexual relationship. If he expects sex immediately and you're not comfortable with that, you have your answer. Whatever your decision, I hope you go slowly with this guy and let your intuition guide you regarding the kind of man he really is. Best of luck on your difficult decision.
Intrigue
Intrigue
venus, thanks so much for your response. I agree with you; this may be an issue to discuss, and his behavior following that evening may have been a mask for his embarrassment. I want to ask him this exact question; was he simply anxious about what happened between us sexually? The quickness of his emails to me (the same day I left to come home) also leads me to believe he may be feeling guilty about his behavior and is looking for atonement of some kind and really ISN'T attracted to me, just looking to assuage his guilt. But that also remains to be seen. FWIW, I also was "as advertised," meaning we sent many many photos to one another, full-body photos, up-close facial photos, a photograph of me running a recent marathon, all kinds of photos. My looks should not have been a surprise to him.
Who dis, unfortunately what might not be tough for you can be tough for some of us to figure out! :) I would love if you elaborated a little. Any further thoughts?
barn
Who dis, unfortunately what might not be tough for you can be tough for some of us to figure out! :) I would love if you elaborated a little. Any further thoughts?
barn
I don't see it as too tough to figure out. Good luck, whatever you wind up doing.
Wow. This is a tough one. I would say that he acted cold and indifferent the next day because he was ashamed and embarrassed. I wonder if the premature ejaculation has been a life-long problem for him. If you really have feelings for this man, I say talk to him. Find out if it has been a problem or if it was a one-time occurrence. There is no excusing his behavior the next day, but if you bring up the premature ejaculation, his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
You are reading content posted in the Sexuality & Relationships Forum
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
Discharge often isn't normal, and could mean an infection or an STD.
STDs aren't transmitted through clothing. Fabric is a germ barrier.
Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.
