I want to feel pain.....

[mishymoshymarcy]

Hi everyone. I don't know what to do anymore... I have a good life, but its as if I don't want to be happy.. Its like I want to feel pain, I want to struggle, I want to die. I don't even know why. I mean I examine people anywhere as the walk past me, and I wonder whats up in their life. If I see someone upset I get jealous. As if I want to have more problems, or want to feel their pain so that they don't have to suffer that much... And I just like hate myself because I cant understand what could be so wrong with me, that I want to appreciate all that I have been blessed with.. How could I be so stupid?!
I mean for example, today in school we were talking about bullying in health class. And don't get me wrong, I am not bullied (I mean I was in the past but very minor, but that's not the problem).. But some of the girls were sharing an experience they have had with it, or someone they know who was bullied and had committed suicide. There were about 3 girls in the class crying. And I mean I think I am a very empathetic person, but its as if I want to be the only one with problems... I was jealous while they were crying. I don't know If I want to feel bad because I want attention or something... BUt anyway, later after this class, I didn't feel right. I felt sort of anxious and still jealous... And I wanted to feel worse, so I went to a little shop and got a highly caffeinated drink (its called 'V'. Look it up, because I don't know if they have it in your country. I am in Australia). It can make you anxious or can increase your anxiety, and will obviously keep you awake because of the caffeine. And its not good for you at all, and im actually not allowed to have it. But I had one anyway, and I felt relaxed as if the thoughts going through my head didn't seem to bother me as much, but its like I didn't want to feel relaxed, I wanted to be depressed or anxious. So I finished that one and had another one. I read on the back of the can that the maximum of the drink you should have is 2 cans. So that's what I did.
Later, I got home still felt really weird, and harmed myself. Not cutting or anything, but I punched myself several times on the arm. I want to bruise... I had a tough few months earlier in the year, but its as if I want to feel worse...
Why am I so messed up? Is this just adolescence? Help please...

[mishymoshymarcy]

Wow thank you! I'm sure your right. :) I'll give them a go, maybe try to find some balance in my life.
Thanks again.

[SMcGregor]

You may feel no lauighter or joy inside because these positive emotions have been blocked by unhappy memories. Old emotional hurts inevitably lurk inside and when new feelings try to bubble up they are filtered through these hurts.

In order to feel good, here's must be present in our lives.
- good nutrition
- fresh air
- sunshine
- physical activity
- purposeful activity
- good relationships
- adequate and regular sleep


All the best

[mishymoshymarcy]

Thank you :) Well there was alot going on in my life, at least for me it was alot... I had terrible anxiety, its as if i want to keep having anxiety. It gives me a purposed but i feel terrible when i do have it.
Thanks for your comment, i'll give it a go. :)

[violet_genration98]

I think it might just be that nothing much is going on in your life so, you WANT something to happen. (My conclusion from reading your question)
So maybe change the way you're doing things?
Pick up something new rather than your same habit.
I hope this helps..