10 years of marriage...need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[maryheather]

Hey ladies!  My h. and I have been married for 10 yrs and I'm wondering..for those of you married, does something weird happen in your marriage around the 10 year mark?I'm 33 years old, so not yet "middle age".We were so in love for many years, and we were friends-now, though, everything is changing. My sex drive is GONE(I do have 2 kids, 9 &3)-and we just seem to be growing apart.And the arguing--ugh.I was just hoping someone out there has experienced something similar. Does something happen to us hormonally, or what? Also, we've always been very stable, but we seem to be going through this weird cycle of being "separate". I don't want to keep growing further apart, but I don't like the idea of living a life of complacency, either. I feel like I'm living with a roommate who pays all the bills and I'm in charge of housekeeping! Just thinking that maybe someone knows if strange things occur around the 10 year mark.  All advice welcome!!  MH

[desperate32]

It is such a relief to see others in my same situation. I am 32 and have been married for 10 years. I love my husband, but we just don't seem to get along much any more. We too, are constantly bickering and started taking jabs at each other more frequently. We have a 20 month old daughter who is the light of our life, but it seems like we just coexist as friends who pay the bills and raise our daughter together. I feel like we have lost the spark that kept the marriage exciting. I told my husband I was bored and he agreed, but stated he still loves me too.We've been feeling this way for a while, but things have gotten complicated because I have found myself attracted to another man (co-worker). He is married with children and I would never want to get in the way of someone's family, but I think of him often and find myself comparing him to my husband. I feel this is killing my marriage. Our sex-life has dwindled down although we do try to have one, and have discussed date nights, but it seems that we are so busy with other things that when we do go out, it is with other friends or family. Any suggestions?

[JoAnnaRF]

Sorry you post went unanswered for so long. It's way down here at the bottom and well, I just wanted you to know that while you are feeling ignored at home, people don't mean to ignore you here as well.
I suggest that you ask him point blank questions. About whatever the topic of conversation is.. I wouldn't say to ask him how he is "feeling" becasue men are just a totally different species from women and don't know how to answer that question. You ask "how are you "feeling"" and they are thinking... Um I FEEL hungry, or I FEEL like watching football. LOL
But you can try asking him how he thinks the two of you should handle whatever the "thing" on the table is.. You should also tell him how his silence bothers you. Ask him WHY is he like that? And if you are still not satisfied then you can suggest to him that you two seek relationship counseling. Heck the idea of that may even get him to talking just to avoid a prefessional. Men often try to find the easy way out and talking to you is easier than talking to a counselor.
Relationships last and are stronger when there is open communication. Without is, I just can't imagine.. But if you are sitting there telling him what is on his mind and he NEVER tell you when you are doing somehting that may bother him or annoy him or whatever then it is like being deceptive. No one is perfect and there have to be things that he would like to say and you NEED to hear. You can't grow together if you don't know what to work on. You can't get blood from a stone and you can't force him to talk, but let him know what his silence is doing to you. Maybe he will open up. I sure hope this helps and that the two of you are able to work this all out. Again, sorry it took so long to respond, just didn't see you down here.
--J

[ShannieK]

What do you do with the guy that doesn't talk at all, I really wish I knew.  All the advice and such on here is fantastic, but what about that one special man out there, is totally quiet.  Things come up that concern me or hurt me or anything, I talk about it to him, and he sits there and listens to me.  Never with a comment or anything.  Don't get me wrong, I believe he is listening, I don't think it's a matter of him just blindly staring at me, and spacing off.  But he never thinks to say anything.  He is so scared off by confrontation of any kind, no matter how I make it sound.  But I can't just continue to ignore everything in life, just cause he doesn't like to discuss anything, can I?  Sometimes, it even makes it worse, and I am positive you ladies on here, know exactly where i'm coming from.  We talk to our partner, becuase we are needing reassurance or something, a comment that shows us that we don't need to be insecure or that everything is ok.  But when he jsut sits there, than you feel really bad.  I do not believe he is an insensitive man, and I believe he loves me, but he won't talk for anything.  In fact, i can bring something up, talk about for a half an hour, he jsut sits there, and than when he does say  something, it is completley a different subject.  I think with his past and family and how he was raised, he developed a fear of confrontation, and has taught himself to ignore it, in orger to get through it or something, but he is not understanding that it is making it really hard on me.  It's almost like he doesn't even know how to communicate.  What do I do?  When everything is going fine, you can't shut him up.  If I get upset over something and need to talk, it's like he is scared, and won't say a word.  Please help.

[JoAnnaRF]

I hope it works out for you sportsfan! I just wanted to add that kids would rather "Come from a broken home" than to "Live in a broken home". Staying for the sake of the kids is a HUGE mistake! It's dishonest and kids are a lot smarter than given credit for.
--J

[sportsfan83]

My 40 year old wife of 18 years has decided to file for divorce because she feels our marrage has lost it's romance and passion. She believes we've grown apart and might find more happiness with someone else. I had no idea the divorce papes were coming but after reading the responses I see we probably are where most of these families are. We have 3 kids that are involved in different activities and takes us in 3 different directions at once. When we are home there's no time for just the 2 of us. I believe that's why we she feels this way since we don't have free time for eachother. She feels we just coexist in the same house. Since our oldest is 16 and can drive I decided it's time for my wife and I to start "dating" again. We have done this for a month now (going to the movies and bowling) but she says she feels for like we're going out with a friend and not "lover". She has agreed to go to marrage counselling to see if it will help. I hope it will for the sake of our 3 kids and the 18 years we put into our life it helps. I love her just as much as the day I wed her and don't want a divorce.

[SouthernGirl]

In response to Dundee especially, sometimes you have to know when to say when.  For 5 years I have considered leaving my husband and for 5 years he has always manipulated and made me feel guilty enough to stay.  While the idea of staying together for the kids is a noble one, sometimes it is actually better for them.  Do you want your children growing up in a marriage where there is no love?  For those of you that live with your men just for the kids, do you want the kids to grow up thinking this is how married life is?  I do not.  I want my kids to grow up in a household where love is abundant.  I want them to see how wonderful life is when you have married a man that respects and loves his wife.  People change and sometimes need to move on.  Don't short change the  kids.  There are plenty of men out there who will you and respect you they way that you should be loved.  i have been married for almost 20 years, am in my forties and have 2 children.  Their father has never hit them, but the emotional abuse has left scars on all of us.  I have found a man that treats me how a woman shoould be treated, who loves and respects  me.  It is not too late for my children to learn that this is how a relationship should be.  The divorce I am seeking is not only for me but also for them.