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10 years of marriage...need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey ladies! My h. and I have been married for 10 yrs and I'm wondering..for those of you married, does something weird happen in your marriage around the 10 year mark?I'm 33 years old, so not yet "middle age".We were so in love for many years, and we were friends-now, though, everything is changing. My sex drive is GONE(I do have 2 kids, 9 &3)-and we just seem to be growing apart.And the arguing--ugh.I was just hoping someone out there has experienced something similar. Does something happen to us hormonally, or what? Also, we've always been very stable, but we seem to be going through this weird cycle of being "separate". I don't want to keep growing further apart, but I don't like the idea of living a life of complacency, either. I feel like I'm living with a roommate who pays all the bills and I'm in charge of housekeeping! Just thinking that maybe someone knows if strange things occur around the 10 year mark. All advice welcome!! MH
First of all, WOW!! Few men come here and even fewer are so honest giving women the prospective of how you(men) may be feeling. Twins that are 4 and a 2 year old? No wonder you don't get a, "Hi honey, how was your day?" Not that I am making excuses for her, but that is a heavy load to bare. Agreed? Can I offer you what may very well be "Her prospective" for just a moment, having been there? I was a stay at home mom and he worked. We had 5 children in about 7 years. Well, to say that I was exhausted ALL of the time would be a severe understatement. And I was JEALOUS of him. He got to go OUT and associate with grown-ups everyday while I was changing diapers and playing Chutes and Ladders all day. So yes, jealous. To this day he will tell you that he would NEVER want to trade places with me. He was the lucky one. But this can take a severe toll on the marriage. The communication that is SO VITAL. You are "missing" what is now being given to your children. And I doubt that you would have that change. It is just part of the sacrifices that we all have to make for the little tricycle motors we bring into our lives.
You have got to talk to her. Show her this thread. Let her know how you are feeling. Tell her what you need and give her the opportunity to tell you what she needs. You may just find that you have more in common now than ever before!
And maybe seek some marriage counseling. Do everything you can to make it work before just tossing your family aside. Your wife needs you to be there for her as well. Seperation would mean that she would be faced with raising your children alone, with the exception of the the "weekend dad" visits. Is that really what you want? Isn't it worth doing everything you have to in order to make it work? Marriage is hard. Especially after kids. Reach out to your wife instead of turning your back. Be there for each other, and don't forget to ask her how her day was as well, and offer her that gentle hug. She probably needs it just as much as you do!
Good Luck and thanks again for the insight.
JoAnna
You have got to talk to her. Show her this thread. Let her know how you are feeling. Tell her what you need and give her the opportunity to tell you what she needs. You may just find that you have more in common now than ever before!
And maybe seek some marriage counseling. Do everything you can to make it work before just tossing your family aside. Your wife needs you to be there for her as well. Seperation would mean that she would be faced with raising your children alone, with the exception of the the "weekend dad" visits. Is that really what you want? Isn't it worth doing everything you have to in order to make it work? Marriage is hard. Especially after kids. Reach out to your wife instead of turning your back. Be there for each other, and don't forget to ask her how her day was as well, and offer her that gentle hug. She probably needs it just as much as you do!
Good Luck and thanks again for the insight.
JoAnna
My husband and I will have been married for 11 years (Dec 31st) 2005. It seems that we may not make it there. He's told me he wanted to separate and that he's fallen out of love with me, but still loves me? We have three children (2) that are biologically his and my oldest froma previous relationship. It's a hard ordeal and I've been trying to make it work, but he's not giving me the beneift of the doubt that the marriage can be restored. He doesn't sleep at the home anymore and only comes home when he has too. When I've asked him if he thinks that we should get a divorce, he says NO that we just need "space', but during that time he's been sleeping and talking to another "woman". I had "cheated" on he first in the beginning of the marriage, but that was (7) almost 8 years ago and he's NEVER gonna let it go, so he feels that he reasonings now is "justifiable".
Thanks for allowing me to "VENT"
Nina wilcox-warren
Thanks for allowing me to "VENT"
Nina wilcox-warren
Sorry if this is the wrong forum but I was at a lowpoint and happened to just come across this when I googled on "seperation".
This is from a man's perspective. I've married to my wife 10 years and have 3 beautiful kids(Twins - 4 years, 2). I really don't know when but somehwhere midway we lost our connection and its been steadily downhill. There is no romance, passion or sex. I'm not much of a talker, maybe that doesn't help as well. Its come down to a lot of bickering in front of the kids. I really love my kids and don't want them to go through this. I'm considering seperation from my wife but always think about the impact it might have on the kids. I feel trapped. From being funny, jovial and one who used to love life, I've almost become introspective, very quite, dull. Kids are the only thing that keep me going but dread coming home in the evening as it will eventually lead to a fight on some issue or the other. Instead, how i would love to just hear "How was your day today?" and a gentle hug....Thats all I want.
This is from a man's perspective. I've married to my wife 10 years and have 3 beautiful kids(Twins - 4 years, 2). I really don't know when but somehwhere midway we lost our connection and its been steadily downhill. There is no romance, passion or sex. I'm not much of a talker, maybe that doesn't help as well. Its come down to a lot of bickering in front of the kids. I really love my kids and don't want them to go through this. I'm considering seperation from my wife but always think about the impact it might have on the kids. I feel trapped. From being funny, jovial and one who used to love life, I've almost become introspective, very quite, dull. Kids are the only thing that keep me going but dread coming home in the evening as it will eventually lead to a fight on some issue or the other. Instead, how i would love to just hear "How was your day today?" and a gentle hug....Thats all I want.
I've been with my partner for 11 Years ( we just got engaged )and when you have been with someone this long, you know the other person inside out and back to front! And lets face it, you begin to take each other for granted!
The relationship becomes comfy, like a pair of old slippers, the exciting passionate spark you once felt fizzled out with the arrival of the children.
In my experince it is so important to talk to each other. Does he feel the same way? have you even asked him?
You need to work through this together.
Sit down and discuss how you both feel and what you could do together to work through this rough patch because that is what it is, just a patch.
As long as you both still love each other you can make it work.
Good luck.
The relationship becomes comfy, like a pair of old slippers, the exciting passionate spark you once felt fizzled out with the arrival of the children.
In my experince it is so important to talk to each other. Does he feel the same way? have you even asked him?
You need to work through this together.
Sit down and discuss how you both feel and what you could do together to work through this rough patch because that is what it is, just a patch.
As long as you both still love each other you can make it work.
Good luck.
Everyone has given such terrific advice. The Date Night advice with suggestions for a glass of wine and NOT seeing a movie were perfect. Not to mention the fact that you really DON'T have to leave the house. I have been married almost 18 years and am almost 36. Going out was hardly EVER an option for us and anytime we tried to spend alone at home was often interrupted by the kids. But we both understood taht this was the path that we both chose, and we both knew that ONE day they would be older, we would eventually get our moment. The ten year mark was tough.. along with others, and I know we'll probably have other tough times in the future, but for now, since the kids are older and we have a couple old enough to watch the others, we take FULL advantage and go out alone as often as humanly possible!. We just go back from an overnight stay at the Crowne Plaza. It was a work thing for him but we had a BLAST. Talked constantly and savored every moment.
Also the idea about letting him buy something.. I don't know why this perks men up, but it does. And notice that the one that posted that DID NOT say to buy him something but to LET HIM buy himslef something like a tool or whatever.. Men don't generally like the things we pick out for them, LOL, but they do feel guilty for spending the money since usually it's US women who are in charge of the accounts and paying the bills. So allowing them some guiltfree spending for themsleves on something as small as a new set of sockets or a drill really loosens them up.. And most importantly, TALK to him. Don't corner him, or blame him as this will only cause an argument and men get defensive at the drop of a hat. And if you are married to someone that isn't much of a talker then try to keep it brief and to the point. You may find that he is feeling EXACTLY how you are. He may be feeling neglected since you have to devote not only your time to the kids but your compassion to them as well and men really need that from their wives even if they don't ever say it or admit to it. They will actually be jealous of their own children.Afterall they are used to being taken care of, first my mom, then by wife, then kids come along and all of a sudden they are on their own. It can be tramatic but they won't ever admit to this because it makes them look like big babies.
One day at a time.. I don't know about you, but when I picture myself in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, he is there. I cannot imagine life without him. As long as you can say this about yourself then you should be fine.
Go plan a date and toss him 10 bucks, 50 bucks, whatever the budget will allow, and once you two are alone, the conversation will flow and hopefully you will get some things worked out. Good luck!
Also the idea about letting him buy something.. I don't know why this perks men up, but it does. And notice that the one that posted that DID NOT say to buy him something but to LET HIM buy himslef something like a tool or whatever.. Men don't generally like the things we pick out for them, LOL, but they do feel guilty for spending the money since usually it's US women who are in charge of the accounts and paying the bills. So allowing them some guiltfree spending for themsleves on something as small as a new set of sockets or a drill really loosens them up.. And most importantly, TALK to him. Don't corner him, or blame him as this will only cause an argument and men get defensive at the drop of a hat. And if you are married to someone that isn't much of a talker then try to keep it brief and to the point. You may find that he is feeling EXACTLY how you are. He may be feeling neglected since you have to devote not only your time to the kids but your compassion to them as well and men really need that from their wives even if they don't ever say it or admit to it. They will actually be jealous of their own children.Afterall they are used to being taken care of, first my mom, then by wife, then kids come along and all of a sudden they are on their own. It can be tramatic but they won't ever admit to this because it makes them look like big babies.
One day at a time.. I don't know about you, but when I picture myself in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, he is there. I cannot imagine life without him. As long as you can say this about yourself then you should be fine.
Go plan a date and toss him 10 bucks, 50 bucks, whatever the budget will allow, and once you two are alone, the conversation will flow and hopefully you will get some things worked out. Good luck!
Okay..this is going to be long.
I don't know if it's normal but I know it happens to a lot of us. I've been married for 12 years now. I'm 37. We have an 8yr. Life gets so busy with kids, work, and everything else it's so easy to just "walk" through life. We were going through the exact same thing. My husband isn't a talker. I think that's just the way men are. I envy the women that have husbands that are talkers. I can tell you what's working for us. After I cried and yelled a lot. I'm a talker. :-) I asked him if he wanted to continue with the marriage. He said yes and so did I. We didn't have any marital problems other than the typical things married people fight about (money, getting home late, leaving the toilet seat up...you know). It would have been so stupid to tell people we split because we were bored. We argued because I thought he didn't understand how I felt about anything. He thought the same thing. He thought I didn't respect him and I thought he didn't respect me. He thought I didn't support him and I thought he didn't support me. We were totally in sync on how to raise our daughter and that was it.
This is what we did. We're still working on it.
Step #1 - Don't try to WIN an argument. I can't tell you how hard that was/is for me. Someone has to give in first. Be the first to give in. Doesn't have to be that way always. He'll see the effort.
Step #2 - Date night. Sounds corny but so what. Our date night is every Friday. We alternate planning. This week was my week to plan. Next week is his. We don't have to leave the house. Most weekends we don't leave the house. After our daughter goes to bed (9PM), the TV goes off and the conversation begins. Date night NEVER NEVER NEVER ends with an arguement!!!!
The sex drive comes back once you like your husband again. :)
All I can say is you're not alone.
I don't know if it's normal but I know it happens to a lot of us. I've been married for 12 years now. I'm 37. We have an 8yr. Life gets so busy with kids, work, and everything else it's so easy to just "walk" through life. We were going through the exact same thing. My husband isn't a talker. I think that's just the way men are. I envy the women that have husbands that are talkers. I can tell you what's working for us. After I cried and yelled a lot. I'm a talker. :-) I asked him if he wanted to continue with the marriage. He said yes and so did I. We didn't have any marital problems other than the typical things married people fight about (money, getting home late, leaving the toilet seat up...you know). It would have been so stupid to tell people we split because we were bored. We argued because I thought he didn't understand how I felt about anything. He thought the same thing. He thought I didn't respect him and I thought he didn't respect me. He thought I didn't support him and I thought he didn't support me. We were totally in sync on how to raise our daughter and that was it.
This is what we did. We're still working on it.
Step #1 - Don't try to WIN an argument. I can't tell you how hard that was/is for me. Someone has to give in first. Be the first to give in. Doesn't have to be that way always. He'll see the effort.
Step #2 - Date night. Sounds corny but so what. Our date night is every Friday. We alternate planning. This week was my week to plan. Next week is his. We don't have to leave the house. Most weekends we don't leave the house. After our daughter goes to bed (9PM), the TV goes off and the conversation begins. Date night NEVER NEVER NEVER ends with an arguement!!!!
The sex drive comes back once you like your husband again. :)
All I can say is you're not alone.
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