Aa
Need some help
Please don't think I am a troll or little kid, I really need kind advise on what to do.
I have a 4 1/2 week old and know that I am having some PPD but my life seems to be unraveling. My boyfriend and I live together and he has cheated on my before( at the begining of our relationship 7 years ago) I have suspected him of doing so other times but have no "real" proof and he denies it. Last night we tlked I mean really talk and he answered ALL questions that I had.. why and what happened,ect. Hearing these things hurt real bad but it was the first night that I actually let him touch me in weeks. The thing is what should I do, can people change In other friends relationships HE always says "Once a cheater always a cheater" but swears on the life of our baby that he has done nothing sense that one time, but I do not trust him and do acuse him all the time. This pushes his buttons and he has pushed and hit me before, he admitts on having anger problems and saya that he will get help, but we don't have money for conseling and we are aware that we need relationship conseling but same goes for that. My thing is that I don't know if I will be able to trust him and will he be able to get over his anger problems, the last thing that I want to happen is stay with him and him hit my son (we actually planned the pregnancy it was not a suprise). I know this is jibberish but I need some advise and hopefully some storied of things actualy working out in a realationship such as this.I did tell him it was over and took him to work,he called his Mom to pick him up and to say with her.
I have a 4 1/2 week old and know that I am having some PPD but my life seems to be unraveling. My boyfriend and I live together and he has cheated on my before( at the begining of our relationship 7 years ago) I have suspected him of doing so other times but have no "real" proof and he denies it. Last night we tlked I mean really talk and he answered ALL questions that I had.. why and what happened,ect. Hearing these things hurt real bad but it was the first night that I actually let him touch me in weeks. The thing is what should I do, can people change In other friends relationships HE always says "Once a cheater always a cheater" but swears on the life of our baby that he has done nothing sense that one time, but I do not trust him and do acuse him all the time. This pushes his buttons and he has pushed and hit me before, he admitts on having anger problems and saya that he will get help, but we don't have money for conseling and we are aware that we need relationship conseling but same goes for that. My thing is that I don't know if I will be able to trust him and will he be able to get over his anger problems, the last thing that I want to happen is stay with him and him hit my son (we actually planned the pregnancy it was not a suprise). I know this is jibberish but I need some advise and hopefully some storied of things actualy working out in a realationship such as this.I did tell him it was over and took him to work,he called his Mom to pick him up and to say with her.
micrazi wrote: Otherwise, you are going to have to start TRUSTING, and not pushing buttons!
Well I cannot disagree more. You are writing from the prospective of a woman that "stayed". That is a choice you made and I'm sure live with that choice everyday.
I can push my husbands "buttons" all week long and twice on Sunday and he would still NEVER lay a hand on me. And vica versa. Telling her to NOT push his buttons is blaming her and justifying his behaviour. Telling her to tiptoe through life NOT saying something that may trigger him to HIT her!! This is NO answer and no resolution to HIS problem! If he doesn't like the way she approaches HIS cheating then TOUGH cookie. HE can leave. NOT HIT HER!!! NEVER HIT HER!!! He chose her, he cheated, now he has to deal with her lack of trust. her trust issues are NOT her fault. He has given her NO reason to trust her.
I just don't want her thinking that she is to blame for this AT ALL!! So she harped on his cheating, and doesn't believe that he is faithful.. SO what? She has every reason to feel that way. She can harp on it all she wants to. He deserves to hear it after what he did. If he can't handle the heat, he should get his butt out of the kitchen. Why should she shut up about his cheating? So he doesn't hit her?? Sorry, but No. That is not Love. And using his childhood is an excuse. Yes I believe that boys can learn it from what they see as "the norm", but he doesn't get to have an excuse. "Sorry I broke your nose, but Daddy used to hit Mama like that so deal with it!" Uh NO. He doesn't get to do that.
Most Churches are opened Sundays, Wednesdays, and there is always someone available to answer the phone. I hope to hear that you guys are present as often as possible. If you are going to stay, I sure hope he gets some help.
My attitude was not directed at the poster. I have complete sympathy for you. I just can't handle people implying that you are to blame in any way shape or form. You already think this to a certain extent and it couldn't be further from the truth.
We are here for you. And yeah I sure wish Jenni would chime in. Love DOESN'T hurt!
--J
Well I cannot disagree more. You are writing from the prospective of a woman that "stayed". That is a choice you made and I'm sure live with that choice everyday.
I can push my husbands "buttons" all week long and twice on Sunday and he would still NEVER lay a hand on me. And vica versa. Telling her to NOT push his buttons is blaming her and justifying his behaviour. Telling her to tiptoe through life NOT saying something that may trigger him to HIT her!! This is NO answer and no resolution to HIS problem! If he doesn't like the way she approaches HIS cheating then TOUGH cookie. HE can leave. NOT HIT HER!!! NEVER HIT HER!!! He chose her, he cheated, now he has to deal with her lack of trust. her trust issues are NOT her fault. He has given her NO reason to trust her.
I just don't want her thinking that she is to blame for this AT ALL!! So she harped on his cheating, and doesn't believe that he is faithful.. SO what? She has every reason to feel that way. She can harp on it all she wants to. He deserves to hear it after what he did. If he can't handle the heat, he should get his butt out of the kitchen. Why should she shut up about his cheating? So he doesn't hit her?? Sorry, but No. That is not Love. And using his childhood is an excuse. Yes I believe that boys can learn it from what they see as "the norm", but he doesn't get to have an excuse. "Sorry I broke your nose, but Daddy used to hit Mama like that so deal with it!" Uh NO. He doesn't get to do that.
Most Churches are opened Sundays, Wednesdays, and there is always someone available to answer the phone. I hope to hear that you guys are present as often as possible. If you are going to stay, I sure hope he gets some help.
My attitude was not directed at the poster. I have complete sympathy for you. I just can't handle people implying that you are to blame in any way shape or form. You already think this to a certain extent and it couldn't be further from the truth.
We are here for you. And yeah I sure wish Jenni would chime in. Love DOESN'T hurt!
--J
That is exactly what I told him, that I don't want this angel that think it is alright to do it. Actually I don't want him to think it is alright to hit anyone. I did tell him that we NEED help and that it will never be US again until we actually get the help. So, I guess that at least I am doing what I am suppose to be doing, I know except telling everyone what is actually going on. He told me to talk to my mom but I just can't, this is something VERY personal to me and I am not able to make it public knowledge. I have a fairly large close-nit family and three of us live within a small city block of eachother (my next door nieghbor lives across the alley from my sister and my brother lives a street down, and both have teens that know everyone so if one person knows something within hours everyone in the town knows. I just can't do that even if we stay apart I will never tell what happened. I also never want the chance of this little one EVER finding out, he WILL have a good opinion of his father untill the ever comes that he himself changes it.
I have to stay that it may work because when we did talk he has let me ask anything that I wanted and answered, but like I said I have the problem there. But thank you guys so much for giving me a place to come to. It means the world to me.
I have to stay that it may work because when we did talk he has let me ask anything that I wanted and answered, but like I said I have the problem there. But thank you guys so much for giving me a place to come to. It means the world to me.
I just wanted to add that it does take alot of courage to ask for help. That is a huge first step for both of you. I also just wanted to add that if he truly does want help and wants to change, it will happen. But, don't be surprised if the time comes to go to counseling and he backs out for one excuse or another. I'm not saying he will, I'm just saying he wouldn't be the first guy to act like he wants help but not truly mean it.
For you and your baby's sake, you have to think about the possiblity of him not changing and what you might have to do if he doesn't. This is the most important, the safety of you and your baby. It would be the hardest thing you would have to every do, but it is necessary. Obviously you've seen what can happen to a child when they are brought up in a family where there is domestic abuse. It gets passed down from one family member to another. Do you want your child thinking it's alright to hit a woman? Of course not, but you wouldn't be alone in the process. Many women have gone through it on this forum and I'm sure there are shelters for battered women or programs offered through your state agencies that can help. I'm not saying this will happen, but the worse case scenario must be considered when dealing with your situation. I hope the best for you and your family and I hope your boyfriend does get counseling.
For you and your baby's sake, you have to think about the possiblity of him not changing and what you might have to do if he doesn't. This is the most important, the safety of you and your baby. It would be the hardest thing you would have to every do, but it is necessary. Obviously you've seen what can happen to a child when they are brought up in a family where there is domestic abuse. It gets passed down from one family member to another. Do you want your child thinking it's alright to hit a woman? Of course not, but you wouldn't be alone in the process. Many women have gone through it on this forum and I'm sure there are shelters for battered women or programs offered through your state agencies that can help. I'm not saying this will happen, but the worse case scenario must be considered when dealing with your situation. I hope the best for you and your family and I hope your boyfriend does get counseling.
We did talk last night and again this morning and we have accepted the blame we both need to take and when I suggested going to church for help he said that was a good idea and that hopefully the priest will know somewhere for him to go (he grew up with his grandparents and uncles who learned from Grandpa that hit Grandma all the time).
No I wasn't pregnant the first time it was after we lost our first child (m/c at 21 weeks) and I REALLY started to accuse him of cheating because I NEEDED him and he pulled away. I stopped talking of nothing esle but him cheating. I am not saying this to "give him permission" I am saying it because looking back I can see that that is what I did. He didn't says "I'm sorry" or buys gifts or anything that typical abusers do, Both times he says that he needs help and last year he asked his mom to help with money and she said she would then she renigged. I think that that is our problem also, we are used to both of us working and bring in enough money, but after losing the baby I didn't care enough to work the hours at work so I dropped down to almost part time, fianacially we were in a dark place untill up to a few weeks ago.
My heart does skip a beat when he walks in the ROOM, I cann't wait until it is time for him to come home from work, when he calls from work my heart drops like it did when we talked on the phone for the very first time. There is no doubt in my heart that I love him, but I just don't know what to do. I think if we really get help BOTH of us that it may work,but I an scared that it may not.
As for saying something, it took alot for me to tell you guys. For me that was a step, please don't overlook this point. What I mean about "closed doors" is that Idon't talk to my sisters or best frind about sex or anything that happens like that behind closed doors, Iam a shy private person..I heardly kiss him in public because in my eyes people do not need to see that.
Thank you all for the info and support.
No I wasn't pregnant the first time it was after we lost our first child (m/c at 21 weeks) and I REALLY started to accuse him of cheating because I NEEDED him and he pulled away. I stopped talking of nothing esle but him cheating. I am not saying this to "give him permission" I am saying it because looking back I can see that that is what I did. He didn't says "I'm sorry" or buys gifts or anything that typical abusers do, Both times he says that he needs help and last year he asked his mom to help with money and she said she would then she renigged. I think that that is our problem also, we are used to both of us working and bring in enough money, but after losing the baby I didn't care enough to work the hours at work so I dropped down to almost part time, fianacially we were in a dark place untill up to a few weeks ago.
My heart does skip a beat when he walks in the ROOM, I cann't wait until it is time for him to come home from work, when he calls from work my heart drops like it did when we talked on the phone for the very first time. There is no doubt in my heart that I love him, but I just don't know what to do. I think if we really get help BOTH of us that it may work,but I an scared that it may not.
As for saying something, it took alot for me to tell you guys. For me that was a step, please don't overlook this point. What I mean about "closed doors" is that Idon't talk to my sisters or best frind about sex or anything that happens like that behind closed doors, Iam a shy private person..I heardly kiss him in public because in my eyes people do not need to see that.
Thank you all for the info and support.
I want to try to get jenni's attention because she has so much experience in this department. She was in the same situation as you when she first posted on this site and will probably tell you that people don't change like you want them to without help. I hope she sees this and gives you some good advice.
I don't believe in the saying "Once a cheater always a cheater" but if he has hit you once, twice, you can gurantee there will be a third, fourth, and fifth. If he sees you take it, he will continue to dish it out. Once a man lays a hand on a woman, regardless of how much you push his buttons, all bets are off and it is time to move on. He will not change his behavior, regardless of what he says, acts, promises, he won't. He might not even change with professional help. Also, you said the first time he hit you was last year? Wouldn't that have made you pregnant when he first hit you? Let me tell you, statistically, 75% of all abusive relationships first start when the woman gets pregnant. That is a fact. And, there is something inside you that will not forgive him.
You might come to him and say "If you get help for your anger issues, I will get help for my trust issues." That might help him see the compromise you're willing to put toward the relationship. If I were in this situation, I would start planning the whole leaving procedure. I will do some internet searches to find useful websites on domestic abuse. It is time to tell someone about it, no one will ever know you're hurting unless you tell them. That could be fatal one day, when he just decides to go off, and your family never knew anything was wrong in the first place.
I don't believe in the saying "Once a cheater always a cheater" but if he has hit you once, twice, you can gurantee there will be a third, fourth, and fifth. If he sees you take it, he will continue to dish it out. Once a man lays a hand on a woman, regardless of how much you push his buttons, all bets are off and it is time to move on. He will not change his behavior, regardless of what he says, acts, promises, he won't. He might not even change with professional help. Also, you said the first time he hit you was last year? Wouldn't that have made you pregnant when he first hit you? Let me tell you, statistically, 75% of all abusive relationships first start when the woman gets pregnant. That is a fact. And, there is something inside you that will not forgive him.
You might come to him and say "If you get help for your anger issues, I will get help for my trust issues." That might help him see the compromise you're willing to put toward the relationship. If I were in this situation, I would start planning the whole leaving procedure. I will do some internet searches to find useful websites on domestic abuse. It is time to tell someone about it, no one will ever know you're hurting unless you tell them. That could be fatal one day, when he just decides to go off, and your family never knew anything was wrong in the first place.
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