Aa
Need some help
Please don't think I am a troll or little kid, I really need kind advise on what to do.
I have a 4 1/2 week old and know that I am having some PPD but my life seems to be unraveling. My boyfriend and I live together and he has cheated on my before( at the begining of our relationship 7 years ago) I have suspected him of doing so other times but have no "real" proof and he denies it. Last night we tlked I mean really talk and he answered ALL questions that I had.. why and what happened,ect. Hearing these things hurt real bad but it was the first night that I actually let him touch me in weeks. The thing is what should I do, can people change In other friends relationships HE always says "Once a cheater always a cheater" but swears on the life of our baby that he has done nothing sense that one time, but I do not trust him and do acuse him all the time. This pushes his buttons and he has pushed and hit me before, he admitts on having anger problems and saya that he will get help, but we don't have money for conseling and we are aware that we need relationship conseling but same goes for that. My thing is that I don't know if I will be able to trust him and will he be able to get over his anger problems, the last thing that I want to happen is stay with him and him hit my son (we actually planned the pregnancy it was not a suprise). I know this is jibberish but I need some advise and hopefully some storied of things actualy working out in a realationship such as this.I did tell him it was over and took him to work,he called his Mom to pick him up and to say with her.
I have a 4 1/2 week old and know that I am having some PPD but my life seems to be unraveling. My boyfriend and I live together and he has cheated on my before( at the begining of our relationship 7 years ago) I have suspected him of doing so other times but have no "real" proof and he denies it. Last night we tlked I mean really talk and he answered ALL questions that I had.. why and what happened,ect. Hearing these things hurt real bad but it was the first night that I actually let him touch me in weeks. The thing is what should I do, can people change In other friends relationships HE always says "Once a cheater always a cheater" but swears on the life of our baby that he has done nothing sense that one time, but I do not trust him and do acuse him all the time. This pushes his buttons and he has pushed and hit me before, he admitts on having anger problems and saya that he will get help, but we don't have money for conseling and we are aware that we need relationship conseling but same goes for that. My thing is that I don't know if I will be able to trust him and will he be able to get over his anger problems, the last thing that I want to happen is stay with him and him hit my son (we actually planned the pregnancy it was not a suprise). I know this is jibberish but I need some advise and hopefully some storied of things actualy working out in a realationship such as this.I did tell him it was over and took him to work,he called his Mom to pick him up and to say with her.
I am starting to feel a little better, thank you so much for putting up with me.
I have been in other realationships but I never had sex with anyone else. I knew this was going to be a long realationship and we waited 6 months before anythng ever happened sexually and we dated 1 month before we kissed and he asked if he could first. So, when this happened it was a big blow because he knew how I felt about sex - it's not something that can be physical for me, I needed to be in love before I could let myself go. He on the other hand is a guy and has other fellings on the subject. I know now that I have been pushing him away but it seems as though he doesn't even look at me. He says that he does and I am the only person he wants but I see something else. After last pregnancy I gained weight and hate the way I look and hate him looking at me, doesn't he see what I see? This pg I actually lost wieght and a week after giving birth was down 30 pounds prepregancny wieght. Because of pregnancy and losing the weight my breasts are different and saggier and I am VERY concous of it and he doesn't say anything about it. Sense it is 5 weeks post pg we still cann't have sex and during pg he said that because of what hapened last year he was afriad of having sex this time, anyway sense we concieved we have had sex a handful of times. Not that bad or unusual I know but he goes on the net and does his thing and it hurts, I see those girls- perfect and I see myself in the mirror - PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON! I know NOW that because I have been a little hard on him but we used to do other things together allso not just "baby making sex" and to me it seems as though he doesn't want me to touch him. Then those other cheating thoughts come to me and if he is not getting it from me he has to be going somewhere else. He says the only other person he has sex with is his right hand but with the flirting and no attention towards me I get jealous. I told him this morning that he is my best friend - he knows everything about me everything I know about other ect. and lately it seems as though I am not his, he has to go to someone else for that and I am jealous. I am not saying that he can not have friends but I talk to him about us and he talks to his friends. He worked at the hospital with me for a short time and anytime we faught or anything happened in our lives he would tell some of the girls and guys at work, I found this out becuase after he quit they would come and ask me how this or that were going. So he started a new position and his immidiate suporvisor is a 36 year old female that just quit last week because of some things that were going on and the fact that the company did not think her buisness dress was appropiate. When I asked him what he meant he said that she wore tight fitting clothing that the main manager didn't like. He said that people said it was because they think the manager was jealsous that she couldn't wear that type of clothing. The Sup. was the one I thought he was messing with and we were talking of getting rid of our one cat and never really came up with an answer and he comes home saying that she will take the cat (it's a siemese). I said that I didn't even know if I was going to get rid of him and thought that that was that. What started this whole thing off was that I wwent into his wallet to get my insurance card out (there sense the hospital) and found a little peice of paper with a phone number in female penmanship. He has a place for numbers and this was some other place but when I asked whose it was he answered and said it was if we gave the cat up so he could call her and then she quit. My mind goes into over time and convinced myself that he was lying and had the number so he could call when they were not working(the only time I was not home anymore or out with him is on Sundays when I go to church) I think that I am over reacting and let my immagination go wild but I really don't know. He swears nothing happened or will happen but that goes a long with the trust issues.
Thank you all for you personal imputs, it gives me hope that things may work out. I do believe that we at least need to try because of the baby and I always say that everything happens for a reason so maybe a harmless phone number will lead to us having a better and fixed relationship.
I have been in other realationships but I never had sex with anyone else. I knew this was going to be a long realationship and we waited 6 months before anythng ever happened sexually and we dated 1 month before we kissed and he asked if he could first. So, when this happened it was a big blow because he knew how I felt about sex - it's not something that can be physical for me, I needed to be in love before I could let myself go. He on the other hand is a guy and has other fellings on the subject. I know now that I have been pushing him away but it seems as though he doesn't even look at me. He says that he does and I am the only person he wants but I see something else. After last pregnancy I gained weight and hate the way I look and hate him looking at me, doesn't he see what I see? This pg I actually lost wieght and a week after giving birth was down 30 pounds prepregancny wieght. Because of pregnancy and losing the weight my breasts are different and saggier and I am VERY concous of it and he doesn't say anything about it. Sense it is 5 weeks post pg we still cann't have sex and during pg he said that because of what hapened last year he was afriad of having sex this time, anyway sense we concieved we have had sex a handful of times. Not that bad or unusual I know but he goes on the net and does his thing and it hurts, I see those girls- perfect and I see myself in the mirror - PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON! I know NOW that because I have been a little hard on him but we used to do other things together allso not just "baby making sex" and to me it seems as though he doesn't want me to touch him. Then those other cheating thoughts come to me and if he is not getting it from me he has to be going somewhere else. He says the only other person he has sex with is his right hand but with the flirting and no attention towards me I get jealous. I told him this morning that he is my best friend - he knows everything about me everything I know about other ect. and lately it seems as though I am not his, he has to go to someone else for that and I am jealous. I am not saying that he can not have friends but I talk to him about us and he talks to his friends. He worked at the hospital with me for a short time and anytime we faught or anything happened in our lives he would tell some of the girls and guys at work, I found this out becuase after he quit they would come and ask me how this or that were going. So he started a new position and his immidiate suporvisor is a 36 year old female that just quit last week because of some things that were going on and the fact that the company did not think her buisness dress was appropiate. When I asked him what he meant he said that she wore tight fitting clothing that the main manager didn't like. He said that people said it was because they think the manager was jealsous that she couldn't wear that type of clothing. The Sup. was the one I thought he was messing with and we were talking of getting rid of our one cat and never really came up with an answer and he comes home saying that she will take the cat (it's a siemese). I said that I didn't even know if I was going to get rid of him and thought that that was that. What started this whole thing off was that I wwent into his wallet to get my insurance card out (there sense the hospital) and found a little peice of paper with a phone number in female penmanship. He has a place for numbers and this was some other place but when I asked whose it was he answered and said it was if we gave the cat up so he could call her and then she quit. My mind goes into over time and convinced myself that he was lying and had the number so he could call when they were not working(the only time I was not home anymore or out with him is on Sundays when I go to church) I think that I am over reacting and let my immagination go wild but I really don't know. He swears nothing happened or will happen but that goes a long with the trust issues.
Thank you all for you personal imputs, it gives me hope that things may work out. I do believe that we at least need to try because of the baby and I always say that everything happens for a reason so maybe a harmless phone number will lead to us having a better and fixed relationship.
mejoje - Your guys sounds like a good man. It just sounds like he's had a rough childhood and it is slowly coming out now. This is definately something for couple's therapy, whether it's through the church or state department or whatever, I am happy you have both decided to go through with it. Your mind is in the right place caring for your baby, you're a good mommy. There is something deep inside you that is keeping you from trusting your boyfriend again. Reality of it is, he's probably not cheating, but the more you act this way, the more likely he will be to pull away from you (and inadvertantly the baby as well). I urge you and your boyfriend to follow through with the therapy, I think it help you vocalize the feelings you have deep inside you and he as well. I am proud of you and him, admitting there is a problem is the first step and you two have already overcome it.
micrazi - Ok, so now she has said she's never laid a finger on her boyfriend. We didn't even have to ask it. If you would read my posts earlier, I never personally attack her or her boyfriend. And I also said I don't believe "Once a cheater always a cheater" and I said "I do believe if he wants help, then he can change." This is all about encouraging this couple to seek help, and if you read any of my posts, that's exactly what I said everytime. Don't get so offended just because people happen to disagree with what you post. That's what this forum is for, different people's opinions. If you weren't including me in that last post, specify who the comment was to because none of it pertains to me.
micrazi - Ok, so now she has said she's never laid a finger on her boyfriend. We didn't even have to ask it. If you would read my posts earlier, I never personally attack her or her boyfriend. And I also said I don't believe "Once a cheater always a cheater" and I said "I do believe if he wants help, then he can change." This is all about encouraging this couple to seek help, and if you read any of my posts, that's exactly what I said everytime. Don't get so offended just because people happen to disagree with what you post. That's what this forum is for, different people's opinions. If you weren't including me in that last post, specify who the comment was to because none of it pertains to me.
Thank you all for your support. I would not stop saying what I think for anyone that's not even a worry. He did say that he will start going to church with me and after Sunday's mass we are going to go talk with the priest to see about counseling.
Please don't think that I am justifying what he did, I am not because I have gotten ON MY GOSH I HATE YOU mad at him and never touched him so I know that it is possable, but when I say that I obsess over thinking he is cheating I really mean it. That is all that is in my head! I have tried to get him to see it and I think that he is starting to. I looked up stuff on the net and made a little segment for him to read about why I act the way I do and why I feel the way I do and it seemed to have helped a little. He said that he never realized why I just couldn't get over it now he sees that it wasn't just that he had sex with someone it was much more. But I still can't help thinking that he is doing something, i.e. last yesterday it snowed and last night it took him an extra 20 minutes to get home (the roads were not covered but it was 10 pm and snowing) but in my head he stopped off somewhere to do something and that is why he was late. When I stop myself and think about it I realize that it was because of the roads but I cann't stop the anger and this happens even if he is 5 minutes late, if he spends $5 too much for dinner, really anything that is out of norm and I know I need help because I can not stop doing this. I know it doesn't give him the right to hit me, but I do understand why it gets him mad. Also, I usually make statements that are "dripping", when I tried a new bra on I ask how it looked and he said good then I said "no it doesn't it pushes them too close together, I know that I have large saggy boobs not the perky weel endowed ones so and so has." I don't even know or have seen the person I referenced! I just cann't stop what is in my head from coming out of my mouth a minute to redirect the "dripping" statement into a question or something a little less accusing towards him.
As for his Grandparents he has never talked about them, I know how they were from statements he has made and his mother had made. He also has a problem of showing how he care, I guess having a relationships because he didn't have a good childhood. I am not giving him the O.K or anything but just a little insight is that instead of his grandparents and mother saying that his mom got pg out of wedlock and the guy left they said that his father was in the Army and was killed in vietnam! He believed this until he was 10 when his aunt (who is a B****) was fighting with him and rudely let him know what the truth was. That is only one story of just a few that he told me. He keeps all of that locked up. He told me how his mother sent him to Nebraska (from Boston) when he was 10 until 13 to live in a group home that was part of her church becuase she was moving in with a roomate and needed somewhere for him to go but told him at the time it was because he was a bad boy and needed to get closer to God.
He is a great guy, when anyone needs anything he finds a way to help out. He cleaned my perants gutters so my dad wouldn't go on the roof and is deathly afraid of hieghts, he is a good guy that is partly what made me fall in love and that is why I am so confused that he would do what he did. He gets so mad when someone else hits a girl but then he hit me, I just don't know but like I told him this is not about me and him but the baby, I NEED to protect him.. from getting hit and hittting in the future.
I really can not say how much you all mean to me for not judging me and being here. Thabk you.
Please don't think that I am justifying what he did, I am not because I have gotten ON MY GOSH I HATE YOU mad at him and never touched him so I know that it is possable, but when I say that I obsess over thinking he is cheating I really mean it. That is all that is in my head! I have tried to get him to see it and I think that he is starting to. I looked up stuff on the net and made a little segment for him to read about why I act the way I do and why I feel the way I do and it seemed to have helped a little. He said that he never realized why I just couldn't get over it now he sees that it wasn't just that he had sex with someone it was much more. But I still can't help thinking that he is doing something, i.e. last yesterday it snowed and last night it took him an extra 20 minutes to get home (the roads were not covered but it was 10 pm and snowing) but in my head he stopped off somewhere to do something and that is why he was late. When I stop myself and think about it I realize that it was because of the roads but I cann't stop the anger and this happens even if he is 5 minutes late, if he spends $5 too much for dinner, really anything that is out of norm and I know I need help because I can not stop doing this. I know it doesn't give him the right to hit me, but I do understand why it gets him mad. Also, I usually make statements that are "dripping", when I tried a new bra on I ask how it looked and he said good then I said "no it doesn't it pushes them too close together, I know that I have large saggy boobs not the perky weel endowed ones so and so has." I don't even know or have seen the person I referenced! I just cann't stop what is in my head from coming out of my mouth a minute to redirect the "dripping" statement into a question or something a little less accusing towards him.
As for his Grandparents he has never talked about them, I know how they were from statements he has made and his mother had made. He also has a problem of showing how he care, I guess having a relationships because he didn't have a good childhood. I am not giving him the O.K or anything but just a little insight is that instead of his grandparents and mother saying that his mom got pg out of wedlock and the guy left they said that his father was in the Army and was killed in vietnam! He believed this until he was 10 when his aunt (who is a B****) was fighting with him and rudely let him know what the truth was. That is only one story of just a few that he told me. He keeps all of that locked up. He told me how his mother sent him to Nebraska (from Boston) when he was 10 until 13 to live in a group home that was part of her church becuase she was moving in with a roomate and needed somewhere for him to go but told him at the time it was because he was a bad boy and needed to get closer to God.
He is a great guy, when anyone needs anything he finds a way to help out. He cleaned my perants gutters so my dad wouldn't go on the roof and is deathly afraid of hieghts, he is a good guy that is partly what made me fall in love and that is why I am so confused that he would do what he did. He gets so mad when someone else hits a girl but then he hit me, I just don't know but like I told him this is not about me and him but the baby, I NEED to protect him.. from getting hit and hittting in the future.
I really can not say how much you all mean to me for not judging me and being here. Thabk you.
Do you people ever see past your own "ideas, beliefs, fantasies"? I am NOT blaming her, just pointing out that she has to accept her responsibility in this relationship. You people take me saying to stop pushing buttons as to be a punching bag! Give me a break, she doesn't have to give in to his games, she doesn't have to stick it out, she doesn't have to be the punching bag and she knows it! She is the only one who can make the choice to leave. She KNOWS what is going on is wrong, but she loves him and believes in him. Give her some credit as well as her "abuser". Just because you super-women believe that if it's not perfect to begin with, it will never be.... That is so wrong, because people DO CHANGE, you just have to change yourself first if you are hoping for change in someone else. Quit reading what she says and forming huge assumtions that she is a classic "battered woman". Did you ever ask her if she hit him back, if she intentionally provoked him, knowing what the outcome would be? No you don't, because you "perfect" ladies that have formed like a pack of wolfs and from reading past forum archives, "weed" out the other posters that don't have your same point of view.... Now how wrong is THAT? Did you ever consider that my advice may be what she needed to hear, and that now you bullies have come in and made it sound stupid? Why would she feel normal now for agreeing with what I have to say? You people need to think BEFORE you type. Going to church isn't going to solve everyones problems! And yes, I believe in Christ!
Oh my, it does not take two people to create this situation that's going on with mejoje. Granted, she has trust issues with him which stem from HIS initial cheating (which if he's not cheating now, I do think she's going to have to work on if she wants to stay with him), but that minute he lays a hand on her (not once, but twice, and yes there will be more times), it's entirely his problem. Pushing buttons or not, there is no justification for his actions EVER. And for her to stop just because he might lose it is not good advice. What if he decides later down the road "if she looks at me wrong, I'm going to lose it." Does that mean she can't look at him wrong if she doesn't want to get hit? No, he has the problem and needs help, it's not her actions that should be remedied.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! I have been in a similar relationship for over 11 years (since I was 19) and we have managed to get past the violence, the cheating. Those problems were not one-sided either, they take two people to create. At some point you have to realize that the ONLY thing in this life you can EVER control is YOU. If you cannot trust him, then make a decision: accept him for who he his AND isn't, OR LEAVE! That is the bottom line.
If you have family that can help you get going then start taking to someone in your family you can trust. That is, IF you cannot accept him. Otherwise, you are going to have to start TRUSTING, and not pushing buttons!
Don't get me wrong, no one should be a door mat but you know your boyfriend better than we do! Don't fall into the abused girlfriend trap, take responsibility and make a choice that is yours, just make sure it is the choice you can live with!
If you have family that can help you get going then start taking to someone in your family you can trust. That is, IF you cannot accept him. Otherwise, you are going to have to start TRUSTING, and not pushing buttons!
Don't get me wrong, no one should be a door mat but you know your boyfriend better than we do! Don't fall into the abused girlfriend trap, take responsibility and make a choice that is yours, just make sure it is the choice you can live with!
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