Pretty sure I am the only one on the forum tonight so I am going to keep posting questions and answering myself.
I am 46 and had back surgeries and suffer from chronic pain. I have abused pain killers vic and soma for 8 years. I know I have an addictive personality although it does not run in my family. I started smoking pot when I was 13 and also abused coke for awhile (socially...like weekends, you know...but abuse for sure). Now I have no marriage, I am an empty nester, and I own my own business. I have been making very poor financial decisions as well as HEALTH choices.
I am incredibly, still, in denial. I feel like I will be the only person that can "manage" all this. It won't be progressive for me, somehow I will be able to keep this continuous tap dance going. Well, I am exhausted. Always tired, always anxious, always depressed, self-loathing, pathetic and pitiful daily schedule (??right, daily schedule)...I could go on.
It's Obvious I am not in a place as so many of you truly trying your hearts out. You are my heros!!