Sorry I didn't get back yesterday. I had meetings at work and then IOP (intensive outpatient). I did read your reply even though they are barried now :). I am glad you found my advise useful. I feel I have learned so much about drug combo's, addiction, and spiraling because of my own experience and if I can help just one person from going through what I go through then my addiction had a purpose and me getting well will mean all that much more.

So you asked for my story. I started using when I was about 32 and it was a slow process. I was taking pills for various pains. I have had many surgeries. I had gastric bypass, an apendectomy, my gallbladder removed, both ovaries removed, and knee surgery on my right knee and then a few root canals. So in the beginning I was taking meds for medical reasons but then every so often I would take more and slowly this became a habbit. It probably took 2 or so years before I was using daily and then the past year it got really out of control.

Last year at this time actually I tried c/t. I didn't stay clean for long and then last October I checked into rehab for 4 days. I detoxed and then tried to stay clean on my own. But for those few months I was clean I was miserable. I didn't feel anything just numb and I am the kind of person that enjoys feeling happy (pain meds gave me a very euphoric feeling so be glad it doesn't for you because I thought I could only feel happy on pills).

So I started using again because I missed feeling happy. I thought I could control it and tried to tell myself I wouldn't let it get to be an every day habbit. Boy was that wrong.

Before long I was using more then ever and this time it was oxycodone which is more powerful then hydrocodone. I also started doctor shopping because the doc that gave them to me in the past got busted by the DEA (he gave meds out like candy) so I was going to various doctors in a 60 mile radius and I started making up reasons for hurting (I hurt my back, I had a kidney stone, or I fell and landed on my tail bone).

I started to realize I needed help but I knew I had to do something different this time. So I researched suboxone and found a doc in my area. I called and got in the next day and that was about a month ago.

He started me on suboxone and told me I needed to be in NA, AA, or IOP. After some struggles with my insurance they finally let me go to this IOP as an "as need". See the only place I can go for IOP isn't in my network. I am on suboxone so a lot of recovery places won't take me because they don't consider me clean. But things seem to be working out there. So I am in IOP and I go 3x a wk for 3hrs each and so far seems to help.

What scares me is that they may want to put other labels on me like I am also an alcoholic. But I know what my poison is and it is opiates. I have never abused anything else so I will never let anyone else tell me different. But if they try to force this label on me they could say "I am not recovered".

I also don't want people to think I think less of alcoholics because it isn't that. I know they have struggles just like me and our good, kind human beings just like me. I just know (though) where my addictions lay and I don't want someone else telling me different.

Also the therapist who runs the meetings is an alcoholic so that is where his passion is and because of that he might have blinders on when it comes to opiates because he doesn't understand that addiction. I bet he would think I was crazy if I tried to tell him he can never touch a pain pill because he is an alcoholic so why should he tell me I can never have a drink because I am an opiate addict. I have my first 1 on 1 with him on Monday so I will bring the topic up. Because I know if therapy is going to work for me I need to feel I can be honest through the whole process.

So I hope that you never have to learn the lessons I am learning. Always be honest with yourself. If you find you are using more STOP and talk to a professional. If they won't listen find someone else. Do everything you can to find a balance. You shouldn't have to live in agony.

You said you are on lortabs. I wonder if switching to norco would help. It is the same strength of hydro but it is a diff. Pill so sometimes just doing that can take away the tolerence. But I think the step up from norco or lortab is oxycodone. If you must switch to oxycodone switch to the 5mg and only take 1 of those. Basically I m saying start on the lowest dose possible.

Also something I am coming to grips with is that maybe I have to learn to live with some pain. If it is tolerable (I am a baby and hate to hurt) then I don't need anything. Everyone tolerates pain differently but I wanted to not feel any pain at all and that just isn't possible. So I am trying to learn what true pain really is.

Sorry for such a long post. Please let me know what happened at your appt with the pain management doc. And if you have any gut feeling telling you he/she isn't the one find someone else. I had so many gut feelings (telling me not to go see the doc that gave out meds like candy) when I was seeing this one doc but I ignored them. Always trust your gut. You don't want to be in my shoes.

I can't tell you how much I have lost because of my addiction. All the time spent in medical offices, all the money spent (even though I have insurance). The promotion I lost at work because I was on LOA when I was in rehab, and all the trust I have lost with those I love. I isolated myself and now I have to start digging my way out and it will be a long road to recovery. I can do it but I just wish I wasn't in this mess and I wish I could remember how it was before pills. Because I managed for 32 yrs w/o drugs and in 4 short years I have lost it all. But I am fortunate to still have my job and my family and my friends. But if I don't stop now I will lose all of that. And I can't lie to myself about that because it is inevitable. Drugs take over your life. It is not possible to have drugs and have a good life. Anyone that says different is lieing or they aren't far enough long in their addiction. Because it doesn't happen overnight. It is a slow process but you will lose everything.

Ok I have talked your ear off enough and if anyone else is reading this I hope that you can find recovery or not follow my path.