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Any parents of heroin addicts here?
Hello,
I am a mother of an 18 year old daughter who is addicted to heroin.
She, like many others, started out on oxycontin. When she became immune to the higher doses of oxy., she started snorting heroin. Of course, I had no idea she was using until I found out by accident after she had been doing it for many months. We immediately put her into inpatient rehab. We could only get a total of 18 days inpatient and a total of 4 months outpatient covered by insurance and other available services.
We thought she was doing well, and she of course, learned to hide it very well. If I hae learned anything from this whole horrible experience, addicts are devious, amazing liars. She managed to pull the wool over not only OUR eyes, but the outpatient counselors eyes as well! We just found out the other day that she relapsed and is now shooting heroin for 3 months.
Finding this news out is both devistating, and hurtful to me and my husband. We feel we have given her all the love and support, counseling, and treatment we could. We even started trusting her again, which I thought I would never do! How could she do this to us???!!! I understand it's the drug that is more enticing than pleasing your family, but the hurt is overwhelming.
We put her in detox and this is only day 3 for her right now.
I wondered if there are any other parents out there who can share their feelings, frustrations, and stories with me.
Thanks.
I am a mother of an 18 year old daughter who is addicted to heroin.
She, like many others, started out on oxycontin. When she became immune to the higher doses of oxy., she started snorting heroin. Of course, I had no idea she was using until I found out by accident after she had been doing it for many months. We immediately put her into inpatient rehab. We could only get a total of 18 days inpatient and a total of 4 months outpatient covered by insurance and other available services.
We thought she was doing well, and she of course, learned to hide it very well. If I hae learned anything from this whole horrible experience, addicts are devious, amazing liars. She managed to pull the wool over not only OUR eyes, but the outpatient counselors eyes as well! We just found out the other day that she relapsed and is now shooting heroin for 3 months.
Finding this news out is both devistating, and hurtful to me and my husband. We feel we have given her all the love and support, counseling, and treatment we could. We even started trusting her again, which I thought I would never do! How could she do this to us???!!! I understand it's the drug that is more enticing than pleasing your family, but the hurt is overwhelming.
We put her in detox and this is only day 3 for her right now.
I wondered if there are any other parents out there who can share their feelings, frustrations, and stories with me.
Thanks.
Hi dad...its so hard to say welcome to you when you feel as you do, so I want to say were here for you.
I feel your words deeply as I was in the same spot with my son.
I was at the point his moving on from this world, at the time would have been a blessing.
What I want to say to you...Is NEVER give up...change does happen when least expected.
Many here have reached your spot, we thought the point of no return. Our kids hit the lowest low, many of them have pulled their lives together in great ways.
It CAN happen, and does more than we know.
I know many that don't come to this forum.. which I met here years ago, they had no hope, they struggled so desperately, its painful for them to return, but they ARE clean.
Right now you need as much support as you can find.
I couldn't do the meetings, as I didn't trust myself driving, but I attached deeply with several that understood my pain. They guided me in a way, to be able to change my life and how I loved my son.
I couldn't change my son...I had to put him in Gods hands, and I thank God every day, that he held him for me.
Over time...with the help of the few I let in my life...I was ok.
First thing you need to understand is this is coming completely from your son...nothing you did put him there, I know those words are not much of a comfort, but only he can change his direction.
He is a hard core addict, just as my son was.
My son could not do it alone, he needed suboxone to save his life. Is that or other methods available to your son.
Has he tried, is he willing to try, will they be willing to let him try ?
I had to fight the courts HARD to let them give my son that one last chance.
My God my heart hurts for you...
To answer a few of your questions.
Abondament...is giving up, putting him out of your life for good. That will never happen, you love him...your here.
Tough love, is making him responsible for his life. It feels very cruel at times to us as a parent. Its giving them the push they need with a different type of love to help them make the right choices.
Enable...is providing for them. food, money, home, clothes, gas anything that makes their life easier. Putting them in a comfort zone, so they are able to use. We need to make them totally responsible...will they use or will they eat. I know its heartbreaking.
supporting them...is begin there for them 100 % when they truly make an attempt to become sober.
As for the sober living, meetings, rehab...it works for many, others it only makes the struggle unbearable.
My son could NOT do meetings, any of the above in the beginning. He needed TOTAL abstinence from drugs, that included talking about it or around others that were struggling themselves.
My suggestion to you, at this point I would strongly fight for alternative treatment...
It is replacing one drug with another, but also saves lives.
I felt I would rather have my son on suboxone for life, than him shooting heroin.
He was able to wean over time...on his time, when his life and mind were in a better place.
Aftercare as they say here is important...I know that to be true, but some times it takes them time to be in the right place to benefit from it.
Your not alone dad...were here for you, we understand.
I feel your words deeply as I was in the same spot with my son.
I was at the point his moving on from this world, at the time would have been a blessing.
What I want to say to you...Is NEVER give up...change does happen when least expected.
Many here have reached your spot, we thought the point of no return. Our kids hit the lowest low, many of them have pulled their lives together in great ways.
It CAN happen, and does more than we know.
I know many that don't come to this forum.. which I met here years ago, they had no hope, they struggled so desperately, its painful for them to return, but they ARE clean.
Right now you need as much support as you can find.
I couldn't do the meetings, as I didn't trust myself driving, but I attached deeply with several that understood my pain. They guided me in a way, to be able to change my life and how I loved my son.
I couldn't change my son...I had to put him in Gods hands, and I thank God every day, that he held him for me.
Over time...with the help of the few I let in my life...I was ok.
First thing you need to understand is this is coming completely from your son...nothing you did put him there, I know those words are not much of a comfort, but only he can change his direction.
He is a hard core addict, just as my son was.
My son could not do it alone, he needed suboxone to save his life. Is that or other methods available to your son.
Has he tried, is he willing to try, will they be willing to let him try ?
I had to fight the courts HARD to let them give my son that one last chance.
My God my heart hurts for you...
To answer a few of your questions.
Abondament...is giving up, putting him out of your life for good. That will never happen, you love him...your here.
Tough love, is making him responsible for his life. It feels very cruel at times to us as a parent. Its giving them the push they need with a different type of love to help them make the right choices.
Enable...is providing for them. food, money, home, clothes, gas anything that makes their life easier. Putting them in a comfort zone, so they are able to use. We need to make them totally responsible...will they use or will they eat. I know its heartbreaking.
supporting them...is begin there for them 100 % when they truly make an attempt to become sober.
As for the sober living, meetings, rehab...it works for many, others it only makes the struggle unbearable.
My son could NOT do meetings, any of the above in the beginning. He needed TOTAL abstinence from drugs, that included talking about it or around others that were struggling themselves.
My suggestion to you, at this point I would strongly fight for alternative treatment...
It is replacing one drug with another, but also saves lives.
I felt I would rather have my son on suboxone for life, than him shooting heroin.
He was able to wean over time...on his time, when his life and mind were in a better place.
Aftercare as they say here is important...I know that to be true, but some times it takes them time to be in the right place to benefit from it.
Your not alone dad...were here for you, we understand.
Hello sweetie !!
What a heart warming post, I am beyond happy for you !!
A BIG congrats to your son, also to you.
Your progressively changing, no back stepping ok.
Your deepest darkness is behind you as long as YOU continue to put one foot in front of the other.
Never underestimate the power of love, we just need to learn how to redirect it.
Stay strong, be prepared and know what you need to do, no backing down allowed now :)
Your finding your way...Im very proud of you, we all know the pain, you will never be alone here, Ive come to realize this site will be life long support for so many of us, something I too am very grateful for.
We can and we will do this together, we all walk in the same shoes...no one better to understand than US.
A New Year to come ladies...lets do this !!
Strongerone...let us hold your hands...were taking you with us
Hugs...Strength...prayers and love going out to each of you
What a heart warming post, I am beyond happy for you !!
A BIG congrats to your son, also to you.
Your progressively changing, no back stepping ok.
Your deepest darkness is behind you as long as YOU continue to put one foot in front of the other.
Never underestimate the power of love, we just need to learn how to redirect it.
Stay strong, be prepared and know what you need to do, no backing down allowed now :)
Your finding your way...Im very proud of you, we all know the pain, you will never be alone here, Ive come to realize this site will be life long support for so many of us, something I too am very grateful for.
We can and we will do this together, we all walk in the same shoes...no one better to understand than US.
A New Year to come ladies...lets do this !!
Strongerone...let us hold your hands...were taking you with us
Hugs...Strength...prayers and love going out to each of you
I just signed on to this site. I have 21 year old son who has reached the point of shooting heroin. He too like many others was gifted in many ways and loved by many growing up. He was always good at manipulation; however, I was always able to see through it. Other than heroin I believe his driving force is his compulsiveness to steal yet everyone just treats him for the drugs. He has been in prison total 18 months, 3 inpatient rehabs, about 4 outpatient programs and countless meetings. His longest stretch of being clean was during his 17 month prison stay and the 4 months following (ages 18 - 19). I am recently divorced and living with my girlfriend her daughter and my eldest son - my youngest son is the troubled one and is no longer welcome in our home. He has stolen from his siblings, my step daughter, myself as well as his mother.
My question: what is the difference between tough love and abandonment? Enabling and supporting?
I do not give him money, I do give him rides to rehabs, meetings etc. I talk to and text him and will take him to lunch. I support him and have deep psychological talks with him. My girlfriend, myself and my ex-wife al thought a sober living house would be best place for him. After his first 9 days he Overdosed and was clinically dead - it took 5 shots of narcon as well as other medical treatment to revive him. Now I look back and think how it is a good idea to live with 7 other men that have the same history and fight the same demons. He gets tested there but there are no repercussions as his PO has no contact with the house. His mom paid the first week and its $170 per week. None of my family or loved ones deserves to be torn apart like this, most of all my son does not deserve to live like this, for I know he does not want this.......I have come to the point that I feel it is more humane to him and a burden off society to have him put out of his misery - I know that is not an option but I feel soo lost - soo hopeless and soo responsible.
I am looking for a support group later today, Thank you for listening...
rjmom and anyone else your input is welcomed!!!
My question: what is the difference between tough love and abandonment? Enabling and supporting?
I do not give him money, I do give him rides to rehabs, meetings etc. I talk to and text him and will take him to lunch. I support him and have deep psychological talks with him. My girlfriend, myself and my ex-wife al thought a sober living house would be best place for him. After his first 9 days he Overdosed and was clinically dead - it took 5 shots of narcon as well as other medical treatment to revive him. Now I look back and think how it is a good idea to live with 7 other men that have the same history and fight the same demons. He gets tested there but there are no repercussions as his PO has no contact with the house. His mom paid the first week and its $170 per week. None of my family or loved ones deserves to be torn apart like this, most of all my son does not deserve to live like this, for I know he does not want this.......I have come to the point that I feel it is more humane to him and a burden off society to have him put out of his misery - I know that is not an option but I feel soo lost - soo hopeless and soo responsible.
I am looking for a support group later today, Thank you for listening...
rjmom and anyone else your input is welcomed!!!
How wonderful is to have this type of support. Thank you Rjmom and Deb for your words. Today is 22 days of my son being clean. He has had a beer here and there wich I don't like. This Christmas has been the best one in the past 10 years. Everyone was happy and I thank God for the day and the moment. I could only take one day a time I came to this site at one of my lowest moments ahhhhhh thank you again. I pray for all the parents that are in my shoes. May God give us the strength and widow to keep on going .
The holidays are very cruel to us when one we love is missing, I understand that empty feeling, also the pain at where the innocence was lost. ...I did it all too. I felt if only I could take my son back to 2 years old, I would do it so different this time. When I really thought of what I would or could have done different there wasn't a thing.
we as parents go thought ALL the emotions, guilt a big one
Fear. ...what ifs. I'm not sure much in life compares to the cruelty of addiction.
Everything you feel you have valid reason.
since we can't change any one in our lives in any way . ..that change falls in our hands.
You will change you, my favorite words from rjrmom...
" change the way you love him "
I'm a very different person than I was 4 years ago.
My son has taught me a lot.
While we go through pain others not in our shoes will ever understand... on the flip side we find a love many will never know.
Don't ever think you may lose his love over this.
Tough love...it is tough, but it's return is worth every bit of it.
He will thank you, you will be his hero, as he will be yours.
Hang in there sweetie, you've got this !
Enjoy your holidays the best you can. ...I'll watch for you.
Please don't let yourself go low. ..I'm here
You've become pretty special to me too, as many here have.
This fight takes many, together we can see our way through.
Hugs. ..Love. ..Strength. ..BELIEVE
we as parents go thought ALL the emotions, guilt a big one
Fear. ...what ifs. I'm not sure much in life compares to the cruelty of addiction.
Everything you feel you have valid reason.
since we can't change any one in our lives in any way . ..that change falls in our hands.
You will change you, my favorite words from rjrmom...
" change the way you love him "
I'm a very different person than I was 4 years ago.
My son has taught me a lot.
While we go through pain others not in our shoes will ever understand... on the flip side we find a love many will never know.
Don't ever think you may lose his love over this.
Tough love...it is tough, but it's return is worth every bit of it.
He will thank you, you will be his hero, as he will be yours.
Hang in there sweetie, you've got this !
Enjoy your holidays the best you can. ...I'll watch for you.
Please don't let yourself go low. ..I'm here
You've become pretty special to me too, as many here have.
This fight takes many, together we can see our way through.
Hugs. ..Love. ..Strength. ..BELIEVE
Deb,
I was feeling particularly heartbroken today as I think about the holiday and how unreal it is to have my son so lost in his addiction . Your encouragement was just what I needed to redirect my heart to know that this is the parallel path he and I need to walk for awhile.
I pulled out all of the photos of my three children sitting on Santa's lap over the years (as I do every year) and to see his sweet face and his joy as a child makes it so hard to know where he is now.
I am trying to stay busy so I don't drag myself down as I know I have no control at this point. I am heartened by the strength of all the mothers in this thread and how they too get up every day and persevere.
I can do it too.
You are special to me. Enjoy your holiday with your family and I will reconnect in a few days after my kids and grandkids go home. They will keep me very focused for the next few days and I am looking forward to their visit.
To you and all the parents on this thread who love their children as deeply as we do, have a loving and safe holiday.
I was feeling particularly heartbroken today as I think about the holiday and how unreal it is to have my son so lost in his addiction . Your encouragement was just what I needed to redirect my heart to know that this is the parallel path he and I need to walk for awhile.
I pulled out all of the photos of my three children sitting on Santa's lap over the years (as I do every year) and to see his sweet face and his joy as a child makes it so hard to know where he is now.
I am trying to stay busy so I don't drag myself down as I know I have no control at this point. I am heartened by the strength of all the mothers in this thread and how they too get up every day and persevere.
I can do it too.
You are special to me. Enjoy your holiday with your family and I will reconnect in a few days after my kids and grandkids go home. They will keep me very focused for the next few days and I am looking forward to their visit.
To you and all the parents on this thread who love their children as deeply as we do, have a loving and safe holiday.
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