Any parents of heroin addicts here?

[freakedoutmom51]

Hello,
   I am a mother of an 18 year old daughter who is addicted to heroin.
   She, like many others, started out on oxycontin. When she became immune to the higher doses of oxy., she started snorting heroin. Of course, I had no idea she was using until I found out by accident after she had been doing it for many months. We immediately put her into inpatient rehab. We could only get a total of 18 days inpatient and a total of 4 months outpatient covered by insurance and other available services.
   We thought she was doing well, and she of course, learned to hide it very well. If I hae learned anything from this whole horrible experience, addicts are devious, amazing liars. She managed to pull the wool over not only OUR eyes, but the outpatient counselors eyes as well! We just found out the other day that she relapsed and is now shooting heroin for 3 months.
   Finding this news out is both devistating, and hurtful to me and my husband. We feel we have given her all the love and support, counseling, and treatment we could. We even started trusting her again, which I thought I would never do! How could she do this to us???!!! I understand it's the drug that is more enticing than pleasing your family, but the hurt is overwhelming.
   We put her in detox and this is only day 3 for her right now.
   I wondered if there are any other parents out there who can share their feelings, frustrations, and stories with me.
Thanks.

[Deb179]

I misread your last post...Guilt, never feel guilt in any way.  
Its ok, to make your life ok, for you, your girlfriend and your other children...they need you too :)

[Deb179]

Your not misunderstood or alone here, we've all walked in your shoes.  We know how hard it is to bring yourself to an ok state.
Were here for you, others will join.
rjrmom and liriomorado, are new to the other side, they both came here, in a very desperate state, as I did 4 years ago.
With each others help, we were able to find level ground.  Not one of us know where life will go...we pray for continued recovery, but know this is a life long battle.  
I may be here tomorrow, looking for support., its our biggest asset.

First of all please don't feel guilty.  
Our guilt helps us to find excuses for their addiction.  
We did not make them do what they do.  For a very long time I tried to find the "reason" for my sons use, what did I do or not do ?  
I could come up with many. His younger sister very sick from birth...I didn't have the time with him at a young age...did I neglect him ?  My husband and I split...was that the reason ?  We can beat ourselves silly trying to figure it out.  
As I look back over my childhood, while I lived a sheltered life, I also went through many traumatic events in a child's eye...I didn't turn to drugs.
They say its an addictive personality... I believe we all have some sort of addiction.  I can look at all my family, my friends each has there own addiction, while it may not be harmful...it is an addiction non the less.
Abuse is top of the list...my son was over protected, no abuse.
Chemical imbalance...hmmm, if our addicts are lucky enough to get that far with a diagnosis many have some form of chemical imbalance.
Im sure it was around when we were kids too.
Is there a real reason ??
Availability...epidemic.
Different drugs in life today.  
Whos fault is it ?  
The guilt is not ours to hold.  
I was given the name Gabor mate...you tube him, " the addicted mind" very informative.

Stay busy...stay with us,  while you may need to do this at your pace, we will walk with you.  I was told 4 years ago what I NEEDED to do.  I was stubborn, I felt no one knew my son...how could they know, right ?
While they didn't know my son...they KNEW addiction.  Its the same story.  They told me step by step where it would go...they were right.
It was I that was in denial.  
My son was/ still is my life.  We always were very close.
Our kids have Huge hearts, maybe part of the connection, not sure how to comfort it when it hurts.
The words here sometimes seem to be so cruel, not the way they are meant...  We're just not ready to hear them.
The people who have walked before us, know the pain....while no one wants to hurt another here, we feel if we can help to prevent the agony we endured for just one, our experience is not in vain.
In my case...it took my son and I to walk the Hard road.  I learned a very painful lesson along the way.  Many need to do it this way, just to know in their heart they gave their all.
In the case of addiction, we as parents giving our all only hurt our kids more.
It is truly all about learning a new way to love.
Your son is not living with you now ?
Is he with family, friends ?
He has stolen from many, are you considering letting him move in with you ?
If that's the case, eyes wide open...ok.  
Some times its all we need to be able to see a clearer picture.
You need to try what feels right to you, we will Never Judge and will be here to pick up the pieces if needed.
While it might not seem like a lot to you...you are making progress.  
Continue to face forward...little by little you will get there.
Sorry for my long posts...I don't seem to know how to do it simple :)
Do something for you today...take your mind as far away from your pain your son as possible.
feel comfort, in knowing your not alone...

[Dadtc74]

Thank you soo much! As I travel on this road wiping my tears I feel soo alone, soo misunderstood yet I sense the presence of all that have traveled and continue to travel in my shoes. I have reached the threshold of emptiness, once it takes me over I will be numb - in a guilty way I cannot wait to reach it - to just let go and know the higher powers of our world will steer him in  his direction! My other two children need my attention as they have different issues of their own.....boy did my childhood mask a screwed up world - and I was friends with the devil!!!
Thanks again for your openness

[Deb179]

Its a fine line.
It is a damned if you do damned if you don't, eventually it tips one way or the other.  We cant change them, but we can help push them.  
Its heart breaking
I totally understand the confusion.
My beginning thoughts were the same as you have been told..he needed me more than ever now.
I covered for him...I protected him...I did it all to fix him.
What I did was help create a monster that nearly destroyed his life.
He had no reason to change, his addiction grew intense.  I found him od'd more times than I could count, I very rarely saw his eyes open..  many suicide attempts.  He was not my son.
This was all under my loving watchful eye.
We all go through a process, in the end...many are forced to let go...I was one.  
Letting go was what saved my sons life, I was at the point of knowing it wasn't going to be me to find him dead.
When he was left alone, with only one love, his drug....it was a 50/50 chance.  He would give in to that love and take his life with it or he would find life

I agree with your words above, that he needs you more than ever, as long as he is willing and wants help, and is fighting for his life, that's where the support comes in.
If he is still actively using you being there for him will only cushion his use. Each time he shoots heroin, he IS playing Russian roulette.  
Heroin, has no mercy
Most IV heroin addicts have to fall hard. I know these words are hard to take in,  it is the reality of the drug.
Heroin changes the brain chemistry,  educate yourself the best you can on heroin addiction.
I had to force myself to watch videos to know where my sons life was...its heart ripping
My son told me it took only one time to shoot up before it owned him, also that he too became addicted to the needle.
If I were to go back to the beginning of his addiction, knowing where we have been, there is not a doubt in my mind, that I would make his addiction HIS problem right from the beginning.  I would make him responsible for his actions.  not me doing it for him.
My words to him would be and will be if he should relapse ( he knows this) I will fully be there for your recovery, but I refuse to watch you kill yourself, I will not allow him in my life as an active addict.  It may seem selfish, but its the only way I can survive his choice.
Those are words I will stand by with my son for our life time.
There is so little REAL help out there, we as parents need to almost look for the opportunity.  Its very sad.
My sons final time, he slit his wrist at my kitchen table, there were pills scattered all over the counter.  My youngest daughter is disabled, she needs several drugs to stay alive.  My son was her world, and she his.  The simple fact that he ate her pills to die...told a tale.
I had the last opportunity, and I took full advantage this time.  
He was taken away, to the psych ward.  I was contacted by a crisis counselor.  He asked me several times if I was willing to take my son in on his release.  I was beyond broken and refused.
It was my refusal that lead the counselor to get him help.
My disabled daughter struggles hard over what she saw.  She 2 years later had a total melt down.  It effects us more than we know.
With my refusal...my son for the FIRST time in his addicted life, was given REAL help.  He was diagnosed with ADHD, even thought I fought that all his life trying to get someone to hear me when he was a child, it took severe actions for someone to actually take the time.  He was aggressively treated and put on medication along with suboxone.  He went to jail after the psych ward for several months.  While my mind told me I needed to be there for him...my heart wouldn't let me.
I cut ALL communication for many months.  
He was horrified at the thought that I let him go, gave up on him.  
Not at all...I loved him to much.  I nearly loved him to death.  You will hear those words here many times.
My pain turned to anger, yes when I let him go...like he let me go, he couldn't handle the pain.  
With medication for adhd and his suboxone, he was able to feel normal.  He did have to do court ordered out patient, meetings, self help.  He struggled with all, but because he wanted a new life and with the subs he was able to get through it.  Within 6 months, he started to wean down..at his pace, he also started self help groups, where he learned his triggers, but he...his mind needed to be ready to learn...his biggest trigger.. was my home.
When I knew he wanted this...I gave him my all with my eyes wide open.  I knew I would never let myself go so low again.  He never moved back home, still to this day...Im not sure he could do it here.
When my attitude changed, so did his.
Its a long hard road, I firmly believe the change begins with us.
Youre learning, your backing away...I was taught to emotionally distance myself.  Very hard to do, when numbness kicked in it made it a bit more doable  
This is a process for us too, we are as addicted to them as they are to their drug.  We need to learn a different way of life.
You will never abandon your child, you just need to back away with love.

Stay close...your asking all the right questions, we will guide you to the best of our ability...that's a promise.

[Dadtc74]

Thank  you for your support. I strongly agree with the abstinence component, but I am searching for that place....psych ward or prison seem to be my only options.

He has been stealing way before he ever used a drug, so I truly believe he needs a kleptomania / impulse treatment....its as if he has no conscious whatsoever. I found a place in Philly that treats this, but they cost about $5k per month.

The confusing thing is that I spoke with some people that have kept their addiction at bay as well as parents that have both lost a child to this and others that struggle still and some tell me that he needs me now more than ever - that living with me would be better than leaving him on the streets because he will feel worse and use more if I turn my back. I feel that I am dammed if I do and damned if I don't?  

I think I have come a long way as I do not give into him as I did in the beginning, but this Christmas was hard because he is looking for the gifts of cash or clothes and I will not give him his gifts from his grandfather or myself. So I am still enabling at lower levels with the rides and periodic lunches. I will continue to ask myself that question prior to supplying him with anything other than conversation or visitation.

[Deb179]

one more thing...he steals to support his habit.
They will always treat the addiction first, but the true help will come from him, when he is ready to surrender.
Hang in there dad, there is ALWAYS hope