I found a pill

[Defco]

I knew this would eventually happen. Ive been clean for 56 days and I found a pill in a jacket I wore when I was using.

Obviously my first thought was throw it away. But I didn't.
Ill throw it away later. But I didn't
Maybe I'll save it for when I need it. which should be never.

Why do I have this conversation in my head!!! I know 1 wont do anything and I still know how hard I've worked to stay clean. Why do I even hesitate

Not sure why im posting this but I just need to write this out and log it.

[msdelight]

Great job defco! You are almost 60 days and you will see it! Thank God for the crapper and dirty cat litter eh!

[LadySailor86]

Yay! U r stronger than you know!

[spider6]

Wowzerz!     Awesome job man!!!  Loser?!  I think you be the big winner this round hon!  ........great advice above!......
Addict brain, I'm afraid we're stuck with it for life.  I am struggling very hard with that right now even though I'm 334 days in I think.  
Teaching myself to ignore that "knee jerk reflex", of reaching or mental searching for something to "take" to get rid of whatever uncomfortableness I am experiencing at the time!

My addict brain is rearing it's ugly head with panic disorder right now....it's a whole new ball game, trying to learn to cope with "nothin", just me ....there's not one single thing in this whole world that's going to make things better for me, not a pill, smoke, toke, shot, snort, hit, food etc. that can help me. It's  Just me and my sh*t and how deal with it...attitude, surrender, faith.

You've got this.....keep walkin the walk and you'll be fine!
Hugs

[motye51]

I definatly would not call u a loser, i would say its the way WE addicts think...we can rationalize just about anything!

[Gettingalifeagain]

good job in getting rid of it...remember what happened to Bama, and  she spit it out!!!  It is life and death for us.
Last week while looking in my father's glove compartment, I found 1/2 bottle, my hubby was standing right there, and I just simply gave him the bag to take care of it.  Recoiling from the flame as it says in the AA book

[lulu747]

Yay for flushing!!  I agree with Sara and Jifmoc.  There is nothing like the sound of a real voice and eyes that you can look into.  You need to up your accountability here.
And your support.
Proud of you...
Lu

[dominosarah]

I agree with the live sponsor really helping.  Online is great but you need the in person part of it.  You also find alot of people who share the same goal as you and that is to stay clean.

[jifmoc]

Also, a "live" sponsor would really really (REALLY) help. Trust me, I didn't want to go to meetings...at all. But they are the only thing keeping me from going nuts w/ cravings. Hey, what would it hurt to walk in to one?

[jifmoc]

Ah ha, Domino!!!

Great job, Defco!!!!

[dominosarah]

And the gallery goes wild at the sound of flushing!!!!!!!!!!  Way to go!!!

[EG70]

*applauding*

[Sonrissa]

I'm so glad you flushed it.  Ya know, I read these stories all the time about people finding pills. It's funny, I never believed it. I used to think, oh sure.... Until it happened to me. I had been clean for a while, I don't remember exactly.  I had been cleaning out an old purse. I found a folded up Kleenex with 3 pills inside. I couldn't believe it. I stared at them for a minute or 2 and then I started laughing.  I put them in the trash and dumped a bag of dirty cat litter on top.   I never doubt those stories anymore.

Great job. I wish you all the best.

[Defco]

Got home and flushed it. I crushed it up to make sure went down. Not more than 2 minutes ago and I'm on here posting that I did it.

Thank you for all the post. It was very obvious to me I should flush it immediately when I found it,  but the fact that I didn't scared me. The fact that I didn't, meant the addict voice still has control over me. The fact that I held onto it meant I needed to post it on MH so I wouldn't be alone and I could at least be accountable to you guys. Strangers I've never met, that pick me up, asking nothing in return.

I've read a lot about relapse and I don't have a sponser. I told myself that when I experience triggers or weak days I had to log on here and read. Post if I needed support. If the triggers got physical I would go to a sauna (helps me to relax) and if i still couldn't shake it, go to a meeting.

Can I use this forum as a sponser?

Btw I've read every reply here and am thankful for your words Vick595 kellygirll dominosarah bama88 jifmoc gnarly_1 glassguy moortgat ladysailor86 lulu247 merri123 !! I just kept reading "flush it" and "you can do it"  

[Merri123]

There is not one of here recovering that would think the same way.

Anyone home who can flush it for you? Have them video it for you to watch. You can do it!!!

[lulu747]

This happened to me.  I found half a bottle though.  Gave it to my mom who I was living with at the time and she got rid of it.  Didn't even think twice.  My heart pounded pretty hard though.
As Vicki asked-
Are you getting any recovery care?  You are still fresh into your recovery.  So sad to lose it.  You've worked so hard.

Lu

[LadySailor86]

I would struggle just as you are. But if have to flush it, hanging onto wouldn't be an option for me.

[moortgat]

This happened to me finding zanax bars in my shorts but within 20 seconds I flushed them down the toilet without hesitation but I am desperate for recovery and finished.

[glassguy]

All that hard work!!! No way just flush it...

[gnarly_1]

H i  well im with sara FLUSH IT!!!!! it will keep calling your name if you dont... it is not worth the '' mind screw'' you will go thew a relapse  if your looking for why this is so hard it is because your a addict...there is no cure but you can live in recovery if you work at it  I often say that if you put the same effort in your recovery as you did wile using you will recover for me N/A has changed my life and the lives of millions of people around the world it is a simple progam that if applied will change the very way you think without this you will continue to think like a addict and this disease will bring you down it has me and many others as soon as my disease tells me ''your cured'' you dont need meetings and I stop going to meetings my track record tells me im going down within 90 days hence why I go to 4 meetings a week it is a cheep price to pay for recovery give it a shot google N/a meetings in your area  the sooner the better there is a exciting and amazing life a head for you isint worth a few hours a week....please try it................Gnarly..............

[jifmoc]

Defco, don't you dare call yourself a loser!!! If the answer were that obvious to us in times of "crisis", there would never be any relapses. I think it's amazing of you to post that. Good job! That's exactly what we are supposed to do. Do you have a sponsor? Other peeps in program to call? A human voice can calm us down.

If I had any in front of me I would be effed, I would totally agonize about it, too. What helps is that I can't just go to the store and buy Norco. Since it's not around, that helps w/ safety. So, flushing will help w/ the spinning in your head.

[Defco]

its at home, im at work. thank you for your post. I told myself I would come here whenever I feel weak.

I've just read a bunch of post and your comments. thank you. Im reminded of how much of a loser I can be. the answer is so obvious. Crush that POS up and flush it.

I guess I needed to post this to have some kind of accountability.

I will flush it tonight and post.

[bama88]

Flush it....don't even take time to think..  If you are on this board talking about this topic than you are playing with something that's wrong.....take this advice from me.  The longer that stays in your possession the more it will talk to you.  If your even thinking about this topic....it's a very DAMGEROUS PLACE TO BE.  You now longer have the luxury of playing what ifs.... Do you play Russian roulette?  No.  You don't.  Why are you even posting this?....  This is not up for debate. You can not pass go.

[dominosarah]

You need to get rid of that pill ASAP.  Please flush it NOW

[kellygirll]

throw it away you don't want to go back take it from a chronic relapser THROW.........IT...........AWAY!!!!! PLEASE  DO IT NOW