Time to reach out

[Lupi75]

Hi I'm a 39 year old single mother of two. I've been taking more than 5, less than 10-7.5 Vicodin for every day (give or take ) for about 13 years. I've tried to quit cold turkey several times but around day 3 I always cave and end up right where I started. I really want to quit, I have for YEARS! I remember saying" I need to quit, I can't bring this **** into my 30's" and here I am, about to turn 40 this year, still at square one. I did go to inpatient rehab in 2012 and was clean for about 4 months but relapsed. No follow up aftercare will do that to ya every time!
I took my last pill Monday and made it all the way till today (72 hours) and caved and took one. I literally felt like my insides were burning. I was at work ( I clean houses , pretty physically demanding ) and I was sooo physically ( and mentally) weak I couldn't stand it.
I think because I've been on theses things for so long, my brain is fried. I think it will take years for me to feel normal whatever that is cause I was 27 when I got hooked and I don't even remember who or what I was before the addiction. <- that's the fear! Right there! That's one of many fears I have that have keeps me sick ..never feeling normal again.
I've never tried a taper but tomorrow I'm gonna start taking 3 pills, 3 times and day for 2 weeks and then 2 pills for 2 weeks in then 1 pill cut in 1/2 for 2 weeks then jump. I' know I will still feel some withdrawl symptoms but I will treat them with OTC's , hot baths etc. I just can stop all at once, every time it drives me right back , full force. I also know I need to get on the horn and set up some out patient therapy . So please someone hold me to that!!  By Monday morning I need to have an appointment set up!!!  Anyways, reading these boards helps the most  and I will post and keep everybody updated on my progress  . Thank you

[ready4btr]

Hi there!  I haven't been on this forum in awhile as I've struggled to quit pain pills then relapse then quit again..and on and on.  Your story is so similar to mine, I would get 2-3 days in and cave because I physically and mentally felt so bad!  I am now trying to taper but feel I need something to smack me in the a** as I've tried this before and failed. I just want to say thank you for posting because it has helped me realize I need to stick it out and find the better life waiting for me. I could have been through the worst of it by now and that makes me angry.  Congrats on your time clean :)  You're an inspiration to me today.

[NeverAgain127]

Wow, I just read your whole story, and I must say, you are an inspiration.  To take such a devastating event (arrested, jail) and turn it into a positive speaks volumes about you.    

I just celebrated my 6th month anniversary off opiates, but I'm still not right.   Depression is setting in, and I have to take one day at a time...more than that and I freak out.  

I just wanted to say:  Congratulations on your "epiphany."  I believe that truly was the grace of God that came over you in that jail cell and let you feel that "this is my bottom.."  

Your new life has already begun!

[mlajl]

I'm on day 8.. anxiety is bad.. but had major problems today.. with our stroke friend.. so I handled alot on day 8.. so u should be feeling better soon.. hang in there. We are totally doing this! Yay! God knows us well, unfortunately lol he knew what u needed.. and provided..  I've been thinking alot about the old timers, the old folks saying, learn it the easy way, or the hard way.. wish we could learn the easy way ... but learning it in the end is all that matters ... one day u will be proud to say, this is where I was, and this is where I am now! And hopefully we can help others as we have been helped so much on here :)

[Lupi75]

P.s. My anxiety is thru the roof today.  , but it's gonna be alright .

[Lupi75]

Thank you qpatty ! Congrats on day 24! That feels like light years away for me right now but I'll get there!  I prayed for something to give! Didn't know id be jail, but God knew that's what it would take. I still have a long road ahead as we all do but I can see the light ! For now I'm just gonna follow it ! That's all I can do!  

[qpatty]

Your story touched my heart very deeply. I am on Day 24 of a 15 year high dose amount of opiates. Started out innocent enough. Hurt my back, Dr put me on pain meds and I thought wow these really work great. Years later I was taking my monthly dose in 10 days and buying more than I could afford to get through the rest of the month.

The last 2 years I would secretly pray that I would get busted buying them off the street because I thought it would be the only way I would ever get off them. But even thinking like that didn't stop me for 2 long years! I was still out buying whatever I could from whomever I could. Pretty much wrecked my life.

I really don't know what clicked for me this time but after reading your story I sure am grateful that I woke up from this fog and did what needed to be done. Thank you for sharing and better days are in your near future.

[BearsFan1966]

It is really good to keep busy! Helps so much! I know I still have that problem no energy no motivation but I know it will come back one day! xoxo

[mlajl]

It does feel good.. Denile did the same to me.. I'm not the creepy addict walking down the street having lost everything.. I'm not that person.. when u realize u are, it's like u just got shot in the face.. the surprise and holy cow smacks u hard.. but again.. those who sin much love much.. I notice people on this site HAS A LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE!  the compassion I've received almost makes me feel I'm not worthy.. but we are worthy if it..

[Lupi75]

And thank you everyone for the positivity and support! Logging on here every day and sharing has helped me out a lot this week! Thanks!

[Lupi75]

Also I clean houses during the week and I had to go right back to work on Tuesday , and I've been busting my butt all week ( Passover , busiest week of my year ) while in my first week of withdrawals and it's been hard but I feel good that I'm pushing thru and taking care of business. Keeping my mind busy and for me moving around during this time helps me feel better physically and mentally for the most part.

[BearsFan1966]

I think as addicts we all have that aha moment where we finally see the light! I am so happy you came clean and are starting your new life! We are here for you and post post post!

[Lupi75]

We can! And it funny you say look down on addicts cause that something I did and it's one of the main things that kept me sick for so long. Thinking I was better than someone else, not ever losing my kids, car, job , or house, keeping my head just above water and most certainly keeping up appearances , or so I thought. But this weekend the rug was pulled from under me and it was the reality check that probably saved my life! Congrats on your first week! It's feels so good to know there's someone going through it just like me in real time. And I know I can do it too , but not alone!

[mlajl]

Yes it is worth it.. but now, u understand addicts, and can give them the compassion they deserve... before we got ourselves into this mess, we where in able to understand and looked down our noses at them.. I sure don't know.. the why most people start is usually so innocent.. needed to keep up, get it done. It's a trap for sure.. I'm hoping guilt isn't knawing at u.. hang in there... day 7 for me was a mental battle. But this morning is much better for me.. physical symptoms of withdrawals I believe are a light eb and flow now.. we can do this :)

[Lupi75]

Day 5 feeling pretty ok. Yesterday I went to sigh  up for twice a week drug testing and it's expensive and humiliating having someone watch you pee and of corse I had performance anxiety and couldn't go but I finally did .  I can complain all I want but I got myself in this mess and I have face it like a woman and anything I have to go through to get my life back is worth it in the end.

[mlajl]

I'm on day 5.. and it's much better for me today.. u can do this.. I have never went through wd before. And wow! Are they bad! I feel desperately bad for u.. I finally got a good night's rest last night.. hopefully u will too soon..  could of just as easy been me in jail.. but I was lucky. Or not lucky. I'd have quits sooner for sure.. blessings come in all kinds of pakages.. I think yours had a badge instead of a bow.. I know melatonin will help u relax. I've taken two 5mg at a time..  it a small help, but it's some relief.. I also take half a xanax. But I haven't needed any today.. my headache finally let up today.. I sat around with a hot rice bag on my head looking like a weirdo lol but it helped.. makes a moist heat.. hang in there!

[Lupi75]

Thank you! My legs are kicking so bad right now. My whole body is hurting . Withdrawals are coming on strong. This is only day 2 and I know it will get worse before it gets better but I keep telling myself , im so lucky ! I'm home with kids. I'm curled up on my couch with hot chocolate and if it wasn't for my family and Gods grace I'd still be laying on a filthy mat in a holding cell with no blanket and no pillow and nasty stale *** sandwhich 3 times a day for food and no water and suffering 10 times worse.  I must never forget what I went through this weekend. This is not gonna be easy but I have the tools, the knowledge and the support to see it through. Jail or death, I've already done jail now and I don't want to die so it's now or never! Thanks again for all your support!

[mlajl]

I'm so glad you are looking to the positive.. remember that cops name, and when you are clean 6 months go track him down and tell him thank u for the heart attack! Let him know it was the kick u needed.. :)  I'm praying for u..

[Lupi75]

I have to tell you guys I got pulled over Saturday afternoon on a suspended license I didn't know about and the cop searched my purse and found 9 Vicodin and arrested me and I spent the weekend in jail. I just got home a few hours ago.  I've never been to jail. I've managed to out smart , fool, the police for years , talking my way out of ****** up situations I've gotten myself into in the 13 years I've been abusing pills. But my run was up Saturday , there's was no getting out of it , I was caught and whole world collapsed. Sunday morning they set my bond, and it was a lot. They also took my car and phone and it seized them and I have to pay 250 plus to get my car back. My poor family had to struggle to come up with the money to get me out. I was charged with pos. of a controlled substance, a felony here in Michigan. The first night I was there I was so angry, it was the cops fault , he was ann ******* , I told myself. The next day I was feeling sorry for myself saying, why did this happen to me? I'm trying to quit, to ween myself down this isn't fair. This morning I woke up again in jail and i was so exhausted and dehydrated and also in full blown withdrawals I thought I was gonna die. I didn't know if I was gonna get bailed out I was freaking out. But then something came over me , like a light came over me and I just had this feeling that even if I don't get out it's gonna be ok. I'm exactly where I deserve to be and I need to face it like a women. I felt like it was an act of God that brought me to that jail cell. How long could I go on like this? Would I really be able to ween of pills like I planned. Well God said no . And God has given be many many opportunities to quit on my own and I couldn't . And now he means business! It's now or never.  My got together and got me out and I realized also how many people I have in my corner. Fighting for me to be free from jail and free from addiction. I wasn't fooling anyone! They all knew! So now I have to deal with court , probation and drug testing twice a week. And I'm ok with it. It's the best thing that could happen to me. Going to jail this weekend  saved my life.

[BearsFan1966]

adding the Vit. D and calcium will also help with sleep at night. It releases melitonin in our brain!

[Lupi75]

Thanks and yes!  I've been taking magnesium and it really helps and it's been a life saver!

[Lupi75]

And Gnarly , I read your post about NA and I couldn't agree more! It is a wonderful program and it's truly a lifesaver for so many! I learned so much from NA and when I relapsed and stopped going to meetings a few years back, I was so embarrassed and afraid i let some of my NA friends down and nothing could be farther from the truth!  They understand and they take me as I am, no matter how many times I've messed up! I'm meeting up with a old NA friend for coffee later and I know it's gonna lead to a meeting after ( even tho we haven't planned it)  and I'm excited cause I haven't been to one in almost 2 years. I'm lucky I have a friend to go with tonight so if don't have to go alone after 2 years and that is what the program is all about!  We can't so this alone and thank God we don't have to! God Bless!!

[BearsFan1966]

try Magnisium and calcium with Vit d for the RLS it helps a lot for me! You got this and tomorrow will fly by!

[Lupi75]

Hi and thanks again for all the support! It's day one of my my taper down 3 pills , three times a day , but unfortunately I don't have enough so I have to go 2 pills  a day instead . I broke them in 1/2 and have been taking a 1/2 every 4 hours and I'm feeling ok, not great, but not terrible. Im going to stick to the 2 a day cause it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be and also why would I up my dose after a few days?  Going  about my daily grind not high has been tough, but today I looked in the mirror and not being high I  realized how awful I look.  Awful meaning " damn girl! Brush that hair !!" I guess I'm usual so high or so preoccupied with getting high , I didn't care about how much I've neglected taking care of myself. That was a great moment today.  Actually caring about my appearance.
Tomorrow I work my weekend job and have to wait tables in a busy cafe for 8 hours. I'm nervous cause it's going to be a hard day without my usual intake of pills to keep me pushing , but I will be running around a lot , so I actually think that will do me some good as far as some of the physical withdrawals I'm feeling, body aches, RLS, etc. And can I just say Motrin 800 works very well for me! Its huge for me to say now this because for years I tried to convince myself and every dr. I came across that they don't don't work for me! Lol! Of course they do! And very well!  

[BearsFan1966]

You are determined so I believe you can do this! Keep the positive attitude and it will help you so much! I am here if you need to vent any time! God bless you and I will be praying for you!