Time to reach out

[Lupi75]

Hi I'm a 39 year old single mother of two. I've been taking more than 5, less than 10-7.5 Vicodin for every day (give or take ) for about 13 years. I've tried to quit cold turkey several times but around day 3 I always cave and end up right where I started. I really want to quit, I have for YEARS! I remember saying" I need to quit, I can't bring this **** into my 30's" and here I am, about to turn 40 this year, still at square one. I did go to inpatient rehab in 2012 and was clean for about 4 months but relapsed. No follow up aftercare will do that to ya every time!
I took my last pill Monday and made it all the way till today (72 hours) and caved and took one. I literally felt like my insides were burning. I was at work ( I clean houses , pretty physically demanding ) and I was sooo physically ( and mentally) weak I couldn't stand it.
I think because I've been on theses things for so long, my brain is fried. I think it will take years for me to feel normal whatever that is cause I was 27 when I got hooked and I don't even remember who or what I was before the addiction. <- that's the fear! Right there! That's one of many fears I have that have keeps me sick ..never feeling normal again.
I've never tried a taper but tomorrow I'm gonna start taking 3 pills, 3 times and day for 2 weeks and then 2 pills for 2 weeks in then 1 pill cut in 1/2 for 2 weeks then jump. I' know I will still feel some withdrawl symptoms but I will treat them with OTC's , hot baths etc. I just can stop all at once, every time it drives me right back , full force. I also know I need to get on the horn and set up some out patient therapy . So please someone hold me to that!!  By Monday morning I need to have an appointment set up!!!  Anyways, reading these boards helps the most  and I will post and keep everybody updated on my progress  . Thank you

[Lupi75]

I mean 3 pills a day total! 1 pill 3 times a day. Not 3 pills 3 times a day . Whoops!

[BearsFan1966]

I can tell you when I quit the first time almost 2 years ago I had to go CT if I have them I take them! I was on them for almost 12 years taking more a day then you did. I was almost 1 year clean when I had an accident and ended up in the hospital for a week and took me about 3 months to be able to walk with out a walker. I am now on day 8 of CT and feeling pretty good. You have to want this more than any thing and give it your all! We are all here for you and cheering you on!

[Lupi75]

Thank you for the support! And congrats on 8 days! That is awesome and something I've rarely been able to do! I'm very lucky I don't have any real pain from injuries or anything like that to deal with. I told myself for years it was for "pain"! It was all in my head. The time for me to get out of this nightmare is now! . I know I can't do it without some kind of out patient councling tho. I'm kidding myself if I think I can. That's how I know I'm more determined than ever cause my thought process has changed so much . Admitting I cant do it alone , without support from others suffering like me or on my own with no professional help has been a Hugh step for me. If I could take the time off work I would have a much better shot at cold turkey but mine is the only income and I wait tables and clean houses so in other words no work no money and were on the streets. I know it sounds like and excuse but I know with outside support I will be able to have a successful taper. I want so bad. Thank you for responding. It feels so good to communicate with people who understand! God bless!

[vicki595]

Hi there- We're not allowed to give specific taper advice here and I can't even comment on your plan. I CAN say that a slow taper, dropping by small amounts at a time, works the best. When you taper properly, you barely feel wd's.  Can you speak to your doctor for advice?

Tapering is mentally difficult so it helps if someone is in charge of the pills and hands them out to you daily.  When I tapered, I put the daily amount in envelopes for the week. It's important to have someone who holds you accountable so you're not dipping into the next day's dose. The temptation is great to cheat!  Everything depends on how much you really want this...

I hope you have some support for this!  We're here for you, as well-

[Lupi75]

Unfortunately, I don't have anyone to hold my pills for me and I'm kind of between doctors. My plan is to just get what I need for a week at a time and separate them. Getting them isn't easy , its a pain and it's expensive and it's one of the things I hate the most about the whole thing so I'm looking forward to not having to deal with that anymore soon. This is best I can do right now and the closest I've been to a concrete plan of action for quitting I've had in years. Yes! I agree the mental part is the hardest for me too and I know it will be hard tapering but im trying to set up some things up so I can have some support when I'm feeling weak. I'm not that big on NA but I know meetings help and I have some friends in the program who I know are waiting for me to reach out and I need to do that!  Thank you for responding! And thanks for your support!

[Lupi75]

Also I'm not tapering to save myself from the physical pain of withdrawals, ( I've been through it so many times I know what to expect and how to treat my symptoms) it's the mental I can't stand! The cravings, the crazy tricks my mind pays on me. Like I said, my brain is fried. So many years of feeding my brain these drugs, I have a long road ahead and I'm finally ready to face it all! Yes it's gonna suck , but nothing is worse than having to borrow your 16 years olds birthday money to get pills so im not dope sick! ( I told him it was for a bill but still awful of me) Yes! That was one of the many break through " what the **** have I become" moments I've experienced in the last few months that has motivated me to get help !  Thanks again for your support! It means the world!

[vicki595]

You know, you can do anything if your head is in the right place!  So, just do it!  I think you will do great because a plan and a few friends to support you is a good start. Just be strong, keep busy, and try not to think about the whole thing. You'll have your 3 pills for the day so there's nothing more to think about...know what I mean?  Focus on the new routine and life change AND what you can do with the extra money!  

When you begin to feel weak and want to sneak an extra pill ( and they WILL call your name) just post on the forum.  Learn what your triggers are right  away and go to those meetings!

[chig1130]

Listen Lupi,

This aint easy at all, but you can do it if its what you want to. If u have family or friends ask for help with kids and so forth. Im on my 3rd time of this miserable journey. I was on one pain med only Norco. I have so my damage in spine, that's why I was prescribed them. But, go to doctor or someone that has knowledge about tapering, I cant help you there, it didn't work for me, so I did the same as Bear did. But everyone is different about how they get off these devil pills. You will make it and be stronger for it!!!

God Bless you
chig

[Lupi75]

Thank you so much for you encouragement ! I absolutely will post on here as often  as I need to and reach out when I'm feeling weak. I'll be honest I'm not totally without fear of living without pills. But I'm more encouraged by the thought of living without them more than ever and I know this community and  my NA friends will be a great help to me too! Thanks again!

[gnarly_1]

Hi  well im glad you found your way here  this is a great place for support  you seam to have your ducks in a row and your plan sounds solid  the real thing her is to approach it with a positive attitude  even tapering your going to feel the withdrawal just not as intense  but longer  this is 1/3 phyical and 2/3 mental just take your time this is a race won by the tortus not the hare it is critical that you stick to your taper no mater how rotten you feel you cant yo/yo your dose up and down  no rewards  because you feel like you need a pill...it sounds like you got support from N/A members that is a huge help  please take the time to read my post about aftercare N/A has truly set me free and I feel it is the best progam out there for addicts we all look forward to seeing you make it so keep posting for support  YOU CAN DO THIS............Gnarly

[BearsFan1966]

You are determined so I believe you can do this! Keep the positive attitude and it will help you so much! I am here if you need to vent any time! God bless you and I will be praying for you!

[Lupi75]

Hi and thanks again for all the support! It's day one of my my taper down 3 pills , three times a day , but unfortunately I don't have enough so I have to go 2 pills  a day instead . I broke them in 1/2 and have been taking a 1/2 every 4 hours and I'm feeling ok, not great, but not terrible. Im going to stick to the 2 a day cause it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be and also why would I up my dose after a few days?  Going  about my daily grind not high has been tough, but today I looked in the mirror and not being high I  realized how awful I look.  Awful meaning " damn girl! Brush that hair !!" I guess I'm usual so high or so preoccupied with getting high , I didn't care about how much I've neglected taking care of myself. That was a great moment today.  Actually caring about my appearance.
Tomorrow I work my weekend job and have to wait tables in a busy cafe for 8 hours. I'm nervous cause it's going to be a hard day without my usual intake of pills to keep me pushing , but I will be running around a lot , so I actually think that will do me some good as far as some of the physical withdrawals I'm feeling, body aches, RLS, etc. And can I just say Motrin 800 works very well for me! Its huge for me to say now this because for years I tried to convince myself and every dr. I came across that they don't don't work for me! Lol! Of course they do! And very well!  

[BearsFan1966]

try Magnisium and calcium with Vit d for the RLS it helps a lot for me! You got this and tomorrow will fly by!

[Lupi75]

And Gnarly , I read your post about NA and I couldn't agree more! It is a wonderful program and it's truly a lifesaver for so many! I learned so much from NA and when I relapsed and stopped going to meetings a few years back, I was so embarrassed and afraid i let some of my NA friends down and nothing could be farther from the truth!  They understand and they take me as I am, no matter how many times I've messed up! I'm meeting up with a old NA friend for coffee later and I know it's gonna lead to a meeting after ( even tho we haven't planned it)  and I'm excited cause I haven't been to one in almost 2 years. I'm lucky I have a friend to go with tonight so if don't have to go alone after 2 years and that is what the program is all about!  We can't so this alone and thank God we don't have to! God Bless!!

[Lupi75]

Thanks and yes!  I've been taking magnesium and it really helps and it's been a life saver!

[BearsFan1966]

adding the Vit. D and calcium will also help with sleep at night. It releases melitonin in our brain!

[Lupi75]

I have to tell you guys I got pulled over Saturday afternoon on a suspended license I didn't know about and the cop searched my purse and found 9 Vicodin and arrested me and I spent the weekend in jail. I just got home a few hours ago.  I've never been to jail. I've managed to out smart , fool, the police for years , talking my way out of ****** up situations I've gotten myself into in the 13 years I've been abusing pills. But my run was up Saturday , there's was no getting out of it , I was caught and whole world collapsed. Sunday morning they set my bond, and it was a lot. They also took my car and phone and it seized them and I have to pay 250 plus to get my car back. My poor family had to struggle to come up with the money to get me out. I was charged with pos. of a controlled substance, a felony here in Michigan. The first night I was there I was so angry, it was the cops fault , he was ann ******* , I told myself. The next day I was feeling sorry for myself saying, why did this happen to me? I'm trying to quit, to ween myself down this isn't fair. This morning I woke up again in jail and i was so exhausted and dehydrated and also in full blown withdrawals I thought I was gonna die. I didn't know if I was gonna get bailed out I was freaking out. But then something came over me , like a light came over me and I just had this feeling that even if I don't get out it's gonna be ok. I'm exactly where I deserve to be and I need to face it like a women. I felt like it was an act of God that brought me to that jail cell. How long could I go on like this? Would I really be able to ween of pills like I planned. Well God said no . And God has given be many many opportunities to quit on my own and I couldn't . And now he means business! It's now or never.  My got together and got me out and I realized also how many people I have in my corner. Fighting for me to be free from jail and free from addiction. I wasn't fooling anyone! They all knew! So now I have to deal with court , probation and drug testing twice a week. And I'm ok with it. It's the best thing that could happen to me. Going to jail this weekend  saved my life.

[mlajl]

I'm so glad you are looking to the positive.. remember that cops name, and when you are clean 6 months go track him down and tell him thank u for the heart attack! Let him know it was the kick u needed.. :)  I'm praying for u..

[Lupi75]

Thank you! My legs are kicking so bad right now. My whole body is hurting . Withdrawals are coming on strong. This is only day 2 and I know it will get worse before it gets better but I keep telling myself , im so lucky ! I'm home with kids. I'm curled up on my couch with hot chocolate and if it wasn't for my family and Gods grace I'd still be laying on a filthy mat in a holding cell with no blanket and no pillow and nasty stale *** sandwhich 3 times a day for food and no water and suffering 10 times worse.  I must never forget what I went through this weekend. This is not gonna be easy but I have the tools, the knowledge and the support to see it through. Jail or death, I've already done jail now and I don't want to die so it's now or never! Thanks again for all your support!

[mlajl]

I'm on day 5.. and it's much better for me today.. u can do this.. I have never went through wd before. And wow! Are they bad! I feel desperately bad for u.. I finally got a good night's rest last night.. hopefully u will too soon..  could of just as easy been me in jail.. but I was lucky. Or not lucky. I'd have quits sooner for sure.. blessings come in all kinds of pakages.. I think yours had a badge instead of a bow.. I know melatonin will help u relax. I've taken two 5mg at a time..  it a small help, but it's some relief.. I also take half a xanax. But I haven't needed any today.. my headache finally let up today.. I sat around with a hot rice bag on my head looking like a weirdo lol but it helped.. makes a moist heat.. hang in there!

[Lupi75]

Day 5 feeling pretty ok. Yesterday I went to sigh  up for twice a week drug testing and it's expensive and humiliating having someone watch you pee and of corse I had performance anxiety and couldn't go but I finally did .  I can complain all I want but I got myself in this mess and I have face it like a woman and anything I have to go through to get my life back is worth it in the end.

[mlajl]

Yes it is worth it.. but now, u understand addicts, and can give them the compassion they deserve... before we got ourselves into this mess, we where in able to understand and looked down our noses at them.. I sure don't know.. the why most people start is usually so innocent.. needed to keep up, get it done. It's a trap for sure.. I'm hoping guilt isn't knawing at u.. hang in there... day 7 for me was a mental battle. But this morning is much better for me.. physical symptoms of withdrawals I believe are a light eb and flow now.. we can do this :)

[Lupi75]

We can! And it funny you say look down on addicts cause that something I did and it's one of the main things that kept me sick for so long. Thinking I was better than someone else, not ever losing my kids, car, job , or house, keeping my head just above water and most certainly keeping up appearances , or so I thought. But this weekend the rug was pulled from under me and it was the reality check that probably saved my life! Congrats on your first week! It's feels so good to know there's someone going through it just like me in real time. And I know I can do it too , but not alone!

[BearsFan1966]

I think as addicts we all have that aha moment where we finally see the light! I am so happy you came clean and are starting your new life! We are here for you and post post post!