A love letter to you all!

[deadgamegrrl]

Hi!
I've been lurking for months and just wanted to let you all know how grateful I am to you all for all of your wise advice and great support!  I originally started lurking in support of my BF (dggbf) who was getting sober after a truly horrifying episode where he assaulted me while extremely drunk.  He was charged with 1 misdemeanor and 4 felonies as a result of that night in December.  Thankfully he had been sober since that time and has been actively working his recovery (yea, aftercare!).  He is now in jail as of today serving a year sentence for all the chaos.  He originally joined MH because I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia last summer but even though he hasn't posted much, you all have been integral to his recovery!

Now on to me!  I have struggled with severe depression since I was a child and then last year was diagnosed with FM.  Due to the sleep disturbances associated with both I have been on a variety of medications in the past several years, including Xanax and in the past year, Ambien.  Although at first they helped me sleep, as you know that was fairly short lived.  Meanwhile I waws doing research on my own, as well as reading this forum!

6 weeks ago I CT'd both the xanax and the ambien.  I know, I know about the seizure risk but I was 'careful' not to take either one every night so I just decided to be done!  Anyway, I am 6 weeks out and still having a bizarre sleep cycle however:  I don't have any rebound anxiety anymore even though life has been CRAZY this past month.  I can tell my sleep is slowly coming back although I am having the REM sleep overload that Dr. Ashton describes (thanks for recommending that).  I am slowly coming back to myself, and most importantly, giving my AD a fighting chance to work without counteracting it with benzo's and z-drugs.  I can't believe how I had a benzo rx for the last 5 years, and an ambien rx for the last year when my original rx was for depression.  To compound the trouble, I have had IBS since I was 17, and was originally prescribed Librax, another BENZO that is no longer available in the US except as generic ( which is what I had an rx for).  So I've been on that for 30 years!

So:  Vicki, Sara, Avis, Gnarly (repeating 'its ok not to be ok' while I couldn't sleep at all for a week was a lifesaver!)
Laurel, Lesa, - here's to you all!

To Ashelen & mellie - y'all are my warriors in pain, thank you!

To hskidd and a host of others - keep on fighting, you are an inspiration.  This has been horrible enough without the mental battle, I can't imagine what y'all go through.

And for keeping my BF on the straight and narrow, I thank you all again!  He is rocking 8 months of sobriety!

``dgg

[dominosarah]

Thank you for the love letter~~May you both continue on the path of recovery.  It is a long one but oh so worth it.  Keep in touch~~sara

[laurel453]

thanks  a lot for your words, dgg :) and this is a love reply to both of you... i agree 100 % with what Lesa has said. It speak volumes of both of you how you have faced all that has happened. Tell dggbf to feel proud of his clean time and to stay strong, the substances i took affected my brain and made me a different person, a person i am not, he is paying the price but afterwards, he can look in front of everyone eyes and have no shame... The same with you, i admire the way you have handled things and i have no doubt you are a beautiful person and soul so i thank your words coming from a person i admire her .... Congrats also for your clean time, i understand what you are saying of now feeling free of handling your illness much better.....YES; YOU ARE UNSTOPPABLE :) and you will both deserve the better !

[vicki595]

I'm so glad you checked in. We always wonder what happened to folks when we don't hear anything...

That recovery road is a long one and you may always be on it!  It comes down to enjoying every day as it unfolds,leaving the past where it belongs, and not worrying about the future!!

All the best!

[gnarly_1]

HI thanks for your kind words we all try our best to make this work im so happy things worked out for you and seam to be continuing to also ......I am coming to find out we have a  lot more readers then posters its good where able to reach out now that your a poster stay one
your lifestory may help some one you never know who anyway thanks for saying thanks
it means a lot to me.....I always pray b/4 I come on here each night if I can just help 1 its worth it....thanks for making it worth it to me good luck with your recovery and God bless....Gnarly

[deadgamegrrl]

Thank you both!  It has been an extremely rough road!  And I can't say that I am recovered yet :-).  But I am committed to trying - the person that I fell for is coming back!  It's just a shame that we had to hit the bottom we did, not to mention the state's attorney in this area is a major pain!  Hopefully we can make it back to where we were and then some.  As for me, no more benzo's or z-drugs ever!!!  And since I made it through court today with nothing, I am unstoppable!  The pain from FM is nothing compared to the chaos of the benzos!

~~ dgg

[10356]

Hello deadgamegrrl Thank you for your very kind words.. it is so good to know dggbf is clean 7 months !! Please pass on my Congrats ! and also my Good for him for stepping up to the plate and dealing with the consequences of his actions.. Getting this behind him is the best thing and although a year is a long time I will send a prayer he gets time off for good behavior. I feel very proud for him as I do you ! :) It sounds as if it has been a very trying time for you and your forgiveness of what he did speaks volumes of your generosity of spirit. I can imagine it was very difficult to get off the meds but I'm glad you did. even thou they are prescribed for reasons they have a tendency to bury the reason and leave us in a fog all while our bodies and minds build a tolerance. Our real life is somewhere just out of reach.. You did take a risk but that is behind you now :) Congrats !  and Thank you once again for your kind words and a update I hope you stay around as your experiences are invaluable ! warmly lesa

[avisg]

    Here is the link for the other forum to read as well http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Addiction-Living-with-an-Addict/show/1176

[avisg]

Hey girl,
glad to see you posted your sleep cycle will get back to normal just for now sleep when you can .
I am gald to hear about your bf soberity. I hope everything continues to go smooth it really comes down to a good recovery plan and support and it sounds like he has both .. don't be a stranger post more .There is also a new forum for loved ones of addicts you might wanna pop over there too.
so happy to see you
avis

[deadgamegrrl]

I forgot ImDONENoMore and Jaybay!  Ya'll are amazing!