I hope everything is ok. I am hoping that you are detoxing and just don't feel like posting right now. Just want you to know that I am thinking about you, and pray that you are not at the chemist. Even, so, It doesn't matter. If your out there.......I know I can speak for many......worried about you and hope all is well. Hope you will come back and post regardless of the situation.
Oh how lovely of you to still remember me! I have been visiting the forum every few days, but not posting because I'm back on the pills, frustrated at myself beyond belief. The handcuffs feel even tighter this time - addiction is almost like being in jail, and after months and months the jailer gets a little bit slack, and one day there is this window of opportunity to escape - so we take it, get clean, stay clean for hours or days - but the jailer is hunting us down, and unless we are vigilant, he catches us again and slams the cuffs on so tight, so that we don't escape again. The compulsion is mighty strong for me at present, and I cannot seem to find any willingness to try to get clean, thats what I mean that I'm well and truly in the prison again.
My use of pills went to about 35 a day very rapidly, and you know the most ironic thing of all - I dont feel a f ucking thing! I thought that after so many days off, my tolerence would be down, that I would get a rush or "stone". In reality, neither has happened, at best I get sleepy. Probably what I do get from them is a 'normal' feeling - on the pills, not anxious, not depressed, and have energy - the three things that were plaguing me during my detox. I think my poor neurons were slowly rebuilding their receptors and neurotransmitters, and by re-dintroducing opiates, I have so totally confused that process that the neruons can't "get high".
What has also happened is that I have poisoned myslef a few times (massive headaches and nausea, really toxic bowel motions, blurred vision) The greediness that I feel for these pills - my god! I take 7, don't feel anything, take some more, same thing, take more again, never satisfied. The party is so very over, yet Im still at it...
I wish more than anything I had hung in there. If there is anyone reading this, contemplating using after a period of cleanness, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't, please. I didn't realise how precious those clean days were until I threw them away.
I'm really scared too, I don't want it to be another 2 years before I quit again - I have been praying to god, saying please do whatever you have to do to help me stop, whatever, I have been feeling my powerlessness - I mean, I don't even try to fight the gremlin, I just take the pills, whenever I feel like it, no discussion, no trying to stop, nothing.
If anyone has any ideas, please tell me, I'm so sad and embarassed? reluctant? to come back here, except I hope my post puts a pause into anyone thinking of relapse - I can't begin to tell you how not worth it is, the costs to self respect and hope are huge.
And thank you again for asking about me, I am truly touched that you remembered.
Could it be that you didn't post because you didn't want to be told to not take the pills? You wanted to take them in peace? Understandable.
Relapses happen, every day from what I've read on this site. Where better to go to rebuild your strength to quit again. Where else will you get support, understanding and possibly help someone else that has relapsed and thinks they are the only one......they feel like a failure.....this is a good place to learn that you haven't failed....you just took a step back....
Stop beating yourself up and look at it realistically....not many win the first, second or third battle. It's a tough fight and you need to be honest about where you are, not embarrassed or beating yourself up. Negative self-talk beats us down.....leads us no where.
Accept that you relapsed, something many addicts do and look back on what steps you took or what led you to quit before and start heading in that direction.
Hey ! I am so happy to hear from you. Please don't leave us again. I had a relapse myself. It happens. This is such a difficult thing especially for you, because you have such easy access. This is what I think you should do now....... try a really slow taper. You showed such strength in your cold turkey but energy etc. was slow to come back. You sound like you still have the desire to get clean, so maybe tapering would work for you. Just do it slowly so you don't feel much withdrawal. Give your body time to adjust. Sometimes I think the finality of cold turkey can be to much on someone. You are not a failure. This is a long rollercoaster process. Keep trying. Big Hug Mary
hey girl...i too have thought about you daily...wondering how you were.
about those handcuffs...that prison...both of those have been a "reality" for my son christian...not just feelings. everytime he was taken away...in handcuffs...he would look at me, crying, saying "i dont want to go back to prison mom". the only thing that i could say to him was, "you HAD a choice".
he didn't choose to be an addict...but he also didnt choose to do something about it. just like him...you can choose to rid yourself of those handcuffs...free yourself from this prison. when you are feeling hopeless...know that there is hope. when you are feeling imprisoned...know that there is freedom. sobriety and recovery will release you from this hell sweetie. you've got to want it...you've got to do it...but more importantly...you've got to LIVE it.
alex...i pray that one day soon...before it is too late...that you will have the STRENGTH to fight this battle. i pray for you to have the COURAGE to say, "enough". i pray that the self hatred will turn to SELF LOVE...and you will realize that you are soooo WORTHY of a better life.
STAND UP ALEX...go look in a mirror...that beautiful woman looking back at you has a choice. only you can free yourself from this prison.
we are all behind you sweetie...cheering from the sidelines. make the choice alex!!!!!!!!
Yes, you are correct, the endogenous enkephalins and endorphins are not being manufactured due to your intake of exogenous opioid, and their associated receptor sites have changed conformation as a resonse to overt euphoria. If you wish to expedite the recovery process, you will have to do rigourous excercise - push yourself through the pain barrier for three days in a row whilst abstinent from the opioid. This is incredibly painful, but absolutely necessary. Then, on the fourth day, if you so desire, you will be able to get a good high again. Though if you do get off the drug of abuse and make a full recovery, you will discover again that life is a natural high. You will remember just how wonderful and mysterious it can be and what these chemicals have taken from you.
I am sooo glad you finally posted. I have been thinking about you and worried about you! thank you for letting us know! I wish you would stay here and continue to post. You know there are many active addicts on here. SO many people here are in different stages. Active addicts still using, some tapering, some cold turkey and in the throes of WD, some with a month or two of sobriety under their belt- some of which are doing great, others who have PAWS and suffering, others who have been clean a year or more, and everything in between. You belong here no matter what my dear. STick around. Ive missed you.
So glad to see you're okay, even with the disappointment of not making it through this time. At least now you know the boredom, depression are part of the withdrawals (and not your natural state that will kick in after your withdrawal) and that you have to fight them too.
I used to teach skiing and I loved the never-evers (1st timers.) About a third through I'd have them practice falling and getting up. At first they'd look at me like a was nuts. They I'd explain that if you're going to go downhill on two sticks of wood you have to assume falling is going to be a large part of your day. The laughter at that always helped break the tension. I think if you look around you'll find a lot of people on their butts trying to figure out how they got there, and how to get up from their particular problem. Maybe they don't announce it in public, but it's there. You're dealing with something tuff and a lot scarier than skiing, since it impacts your life. But you aren't alone if you're feeling like you've landed hard and hit your tail bone. It's part of being human. Now for getting up...I usually take a breath and a rest while I'm there. Maybe chat with someone else on the ground nearby. Then for me I get my skis under me and finally pop up. Some people like to climb their poles, guys especially. Kids are the best. They lay down on their tummies and just walk up back onto their skis with their hands like it's no big deal.
I'm glad to know you are doing okay. I hope you can get the strength to get what you want. Until then, just take care of yourself in other ways, and build toward it... You deserve it.
There are places where your addiction cant find you including your mind,its about finding the tools of recovery and using them. I dont think that you"ve failed in any way. You could even say that your more educated now. The only only failure is not trying
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