I have been on this website before, too many times in fact. I guess sometimes you just need to talk about your secret in some way or another. I have been addicted to Tramadol and Adderall for over 2 years, I cant believe how long I have been caring this on. I have been depressed the entire time because I knew I was in deep and dont know how to ever get off both without losing a 6 figure job and letting down my family and friends. Although I have pretty much recloused myself to the point where my friends dont bother to ask to do things because they know I wont. I have a work from home job which makes things worse really, I dont have a routine or structure and there are days I cant get out of bed until noon (even if the adderall has kicked in).
I dont even get high off Tramadol anymore, I think after about 10 months my tolerance was so high I just took them to avoid WDs. Once the Adderall wears off my productivity is done, my place is a mess, I rarely will even answer the phone, I will just take the tramadol hoping to feel something.
I used to be a fitness fanatic, I worked out for 12 years, once I started the Adderall all my focus went towards work, I never felt like doing anything physical and didnt eat healthy enough to maintain a decent workout regime. I used to get most of my self confidence from my looks and the gym, so obviously when I quit my self confidence went to zero and I am ALWAYS depressed about it. Yet I cant seem to get myself back into the gym, I might make it a few times and then something comes up and I miss another 3 weeks. I broke up with my GF because I felt like I was bringing her down with me, I didnt have a sex drive anymore, so the relationship just crumbled.
I went on a long binge of ordering DHC off the internet from overseas websites because it was stronger and I could get a mild opiate high. I have since quit them and have been trying to taper, I actually got myself down to 3 of the DHC pills a day and then I got a major head/chest cold and couldnt deal with the taper and cold at the same time. Its funny, the whole time I was taking the large amounts I never got sick, but once I came close to getting off its like it all hit me at once. So now I am starting over with the tram taper, cold turkey isnt an option because my work is demanding and I have to lead meetings, I never get a long period of time to just quit.
I have always been a somewhat depressed person, for as long as I can remember. I know I make all this worse in my head, I have had episodes in the past where I got really depressed over something that wouldnt bother most people as much. I am taking Lexapro but I always forget doses so I dont even know if its truly kicked in.
Has anyone had success with outpatient rehab? Are there programs where you can go to meetings while you are still tapering off the drug? I cant be dependent on these two drugs, something will eventually happen that will ruin everything I worked so hard to achieve. I am in my mid 30s, I should be settled with some little ones but I cant even take care of myself.
This whole post was basically me just rambling, but its like I already know all the answers. I know I need outside help, I know I need to get off the drugs now and not wait for a "perfect" time, I know the thomas recipe, I know how an entire WD feels like (I quit for 3 weeks once), I guess my biggest fear is depression and motivation. I have been using meds for my job the entire time, my team and boss expect a certain output from me, there is no way I can keep that up when I stop. I also worry about realizing even more how bad I screwed up the last 2 years of my life, the friends lost, the dramatic decrease in health. I am depressed enough, once my head is clear I will really see what I have caused. In a perfect world time would just stop for 30 days and I could go to some rehab center on a beach, I wouldnt miss any work and would have the time to get back to myself. I would get that pill implant where you cant feel the effects of opiates for 6 months or so even if you take them, I think it would help knowing you cant get high anymore so there isnt a reason to think about it. I just want to get to the point where I can get out of bed without self medication.
Sorry for the rambling, I just get some relief typing it all out. On a positive note, a great remedy for WD is loperamide (immodium AD) but you have to take a lot of it at once, I am talking like 20 pills at once. It really does work when you take it in high doses and I havent seen anything that says its bad taking that many (cant be worse than the tramadol). I was taking up to 30 pills a day and I dropped down to under 10 pills in a short amount of time by just taking the loperamide. You still have to deal with the depression but at least the physical WDs are minimal. All the other stuff in the Thomas recipe doesnt do much for me, I cant sleep even taking 50mg of valium let alone some melatonin. Most of it is mental so if you think the stuff will work it might just because you trick yourself into believing it. The best way I was able to even taper was the loperamide and I bought a truck that I have been spending a lot of time restoring. It got my mind off of it for a few hours, then I would just smoke some weed at night to keep my mind off of it until the next morning. Sure its not the healthest but you cant get addicted to weed, at least I never have. I just need to get outside help to truly get off everything, taking the adderall in the morning makes up for the dopamine I am missing out from the tramadol.
By far the hardest part is getting up in the morning, I literally cant seem to do it until the adderal is kicked in. When I go through the depressive episodes its like I intentionally do things to make it worse, like throw laundry on the floor, eat ice cream for dinner, do the bare minimum hygiene wise. I have been dealing with this so long my place looks like it should be on hoarders, my fridge is empty, the place just looks like what my mind feels like.
I thought about hiring a cleaning service just to get it clean so it would feel good, but I am too embarrassed plus I dont want them to see any pill bottles I dont know about.
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