Advice for a year of Oxy

[hiskidd]

I've been on oxy ocs for 13 months. I've never exceeded 60mgs in a day (10 mos of 20s twice a day, then 3 months of 30s twice a day.) I ran out of ocs and didn't care to use the ops. I had some Opana 10s, and when I took my last oxy on Sunday, I used two of the Opana 10s on Monday. Today (Tuesday), I haven't taken anything. In fact, I flushed the Opana and about 8 ox ops I had left down the toiled. I feel horrible. My back. My mind. My stomach. I'm not sure how to cope or how long it will last. I have three kids - 6, 4, and 2 - and don't want to ruin their Christmas being locked in my room sweating. My wife is trying to help, but I keep pushing her away. Any advice?

[ImDONENoMore]

It just goes to show you that things are not always what they seem.  I always used to think that people were better off than me, living life without needing drugs to get by.  However, over time, I have learned of many of their addictions and vices.  We're all human, no matter what we do in life.  And all prone to addiction.  I'm not sure why we need to think that we're not as good as others because we have a problem.  Such a stigma attached to addiction but it should be treated like any other health condition.  And there shouldn't be any shame in it.  I hope someday the shame associated with this problem goes away.  I think its the shame that keeps us sick for so long.

[Kuckma]

Thank you so much guys!
Im doing much better now, I went to a friends house last night, who has a jacuzzi (since ours is not working) and a sauna, we did the sauna a few times and sat out in the freezing cold (-9 degrees Fahrenheit over here) afterwards and talked a lot while sitting in the hot water.
the Jacuzzi felt so so good, or just TALKING felt great too.

Im was so  tired last night and so relaxed that made me sleep so  well.  Im off today, I will take it easy and try some light food today, since I do not have to rush rush today.

But honestly just talking with my friend last night (or maybe hanging out all naked all night ;-) felt great.

Oh and almost forgot....remember I had a breakdown at work yesterday?
Well the lady who I was confessing to yesterday (big wig). She called me last night on my cell. She told me that she is so so proud of me for coming so far (some praises about my work) and she confessed to me that her husband (Officer) is a full blown alcoholic. That he has been drinking for the last 8 years and it has been so bad that he is drinking at work. How he gets by with that I have no idea....
Anyway.....she told me that she would be so happy if he would ever take the "step" that I did. She was crying on the phone....
This was all kinda unconformable knowing all these things about a superior, but afterwords I felt so much better (bad for her). But I am understanding now that I do not have to be perfect. NOBODY IS!!!! Not even my Management!
With this in mind, I am going into the next year, CLEAN!

[laurel453]

it is true that you  are been testing almost every hour but here you are :) Do feel proud , David ..

Berit and David, hang in !! you have gone through a lot already, this shows you can fight this, you are doing it, this too shall pass... the mental battle too shall pass, trust yourselves that you can do it with the mental battle too !!!!

[hiskidd]

Thanks Gnarly and Tramahater. Really. I hang on every letter sometimes :)

Berit, you have had a bad day. The protein shakes are enough. Think of all the starving people in the world. Those shakes would be like a feast to them. Your tummy will get better...

My back got a little better tonight. Ebbs and flows, ebbs and flows. Go back and read what you wrote when you were feeling better. Won't stop praying...

[gnarly_1]

HEY  you guys are doing great.....not everyday is going to be a good one you have your ups and downs in the beginning it can be a grind this is why I always say this is 1/3 physical and 2/3 mental ....your mind will play tricks on you your addiction is screaming at you to come out and play...it will say things like ...''oo one pill wont hurt''' ''you deserve it after the day you have had'' the pain in my back is more then I can stand is the one that always trys to get me theirs a 1000 more....this is why we say aftercare is so important it is the very way our minds work the very way we think that needs to change....you know the static shows that lest the 10% of the people will make it 1yr clean without aftercare we cant stress this enough it will really help both of you to get involved with N/A or A/A and work it get a sponsor and work the 12 steps....this has been the path out for many of us please get help wile your still clean your walking on a tight line right now I wish you all the best in your recovery we all want to see you succeed good luck and God bless....Gnarly  

[Kuckma]

What day are we on, David? I forgot......is it 20 Million?

Had a breakdown at work today and confessed to one of my coworkers.

She was holding me while I was boohoo crying.

The children at work and at home "smell" my weakness right now and play me like a violin.
Also, I have a coworker who is not happy with a promotion I got and she is nitpicking at everything I do. so there is so so much pressure on me right now.

I keep thinking maybe I should try this when I have less pressure, I am making excuses In my head why I should "take just one half". but I will not, I am with you David. I wanna make excuse after excuse, but remember  where we already  are David.

Im afraid if you give up I will too, I am was so so close a few times, this is hard cause I do not sleep or eat. I am doing the protein shakes, but since I went CT I have this whole stomach thing going on. the smallest little thing that grosses me out makes me sick, and we are talking "both sides". I throw up all the time, I almost feel like I am pregnant again.....just awful...... I am sure it is anxiety.
but still if I go back now, I have to do this all over again.

The muscle pain and muscle cramps are unbearable at night that comes with the Hypocalcemia that I have.
I am so sick and tired of being tired and hurt.
this HAS to stop one day David it has to! I just ****** has to.
I am off tomorrow, I will try to relax, sleep and eat as much as I can, I am so sore!

I want to cry, and just take a pill, but we know better David,......we just do......

Hugs, Berit