Am I an addict? Kinda long, bear with me.

[mellie4]

I've been doing research on withdrawals for my boyfriend who was withdrawing from percocet.  I found this site and I was overwhelmed with the amount of information.  The information available hellped me to help him (He's now 11 days with no Percocets!!!)

But it left me questioning myself.  Am I an addict?  I've certainly come to realize that I'm without a doubt dependent and my tolerance has gone up.  To make a really long story short, I had joint replacement surgery on my thumb 3 years ago.  It failed, as the implant didn't work (it was ultimately taken out on everyone who used it.)  As a result, I had to have more surgeries and a ton of procedures.  (I just had my 8th surgery on March 9, 2010.)

Prior to the very first surgery, I was on Percocet 5/325 one every six hours.  As time went on, though, the pain was increasing.  That's when I had the first surgery.  (It was supposed to be surgery, physical therapy and back to work within 12 weeks, but it didn't turn out that way.)

During the course of all this, I've had other procedures done as well, the most recent has been a succession of stellate ganglion blocks.  Those have given me some relief from time to time, though it never lasts long nor does it help totally; I always still need pain medications with it.

I also ended up getting RSD (reflex sympathetic dystrophy.)  They think this was caused from the multiple surgeries.  (For those who don't know what it is, they think it's a misfiring of nerves from the sympathetic nerve which causes terrible nerve pain.  There's no real cure for RSD, you just have to find some treatments that help and have them strung together.

They have also tired me on other medications in conjunction with the Percocet.  They tried Neurontin (couldn't take it do to side effects of slurred speech.  Then they tried Lyrica, which helped very little and also caused me to gain 15 pounds in about a month.

I'm seen at the pain clinic as well as by my surgeon.  Right now they have me on the following:  800 mg. Ibuprofen every 4 to 6 hours, 120 milligrams of Cymbalta twice a day (60 in the morning/60 in the evening.  This is given for nerve pain, though they hoped it would have a secondary benefit as I am a bit depressed,) Clonidine 1 mg. every evening (this is an older blood pressure pill that supposedly helps with nerve pain,) Voltaren gel, applied several times a day as needed (this helps a little.  They are trying to replace it with another gel that I don't know the name of.  The other gel is made by a specific pharmacy called a "compounding pharmacy."  They mix different things together.  I know one of the ingredients will be ketamine (something they usually use in IV anesthesia.  Supposedly there are no side effects to this."  Last, but probably most troubling is they have me on Oxycodone, 30 mg. every four hours, including through the night.

I've had many discussions with both the surgeon and the pain clinic doctor about becoming addicted.  They have stressed to me there is a big difference between being addicted and tolerant or dependent.  They also keep telling me I need the oxycodone.  They have also discussed changing the oxycodone to oxycontin twice a day with oxycodone used for breakthrough pain.  And there was one discussion a while ago about trying a Fentanyl patch.

I have never taken my medication inappropriately.  I have never looked for a refill early.  I've never got my pain medication from more than one doctor.

But the oxycodone is ruling my life.  I feel like I can't live with it and I can't live without it.  The pain is so bad I cannot think.  The function is so poor I am having to relearn how to do everything.  Simple things like putting on deoderant or buttoning my pants is painful and difficult and some things are impossible.

I have asked the pain clinic for referrals for different types of pain management, including, but not limited to, a pain psychiatrist who works with people with chronic pain, accupuncture, hypnosis, etc.

So my question for anyone is "Am I an addict?"   Am I someone that has to watch what I take for the rest of my  life?  If something crops up down the road (and I'm hopefully not on oxycodone anymore) do I need to be careful using them again?  Will I always have to have a high dosage for things, even if I no longer take anything?  By being on such a high dose, will a regular dose not cover me in the future?

I've learned from reading here that even if I'm not an addict I will have to go through all the unpleasant side effects of withdrawal just because of the dosage and because I've been on them for so long.

My plan (unless someone has a better idea!) right now is to stay on what the pain clinic recommends until I have my next surgery.  After that I plan on asking them to taper me off the oxycodone and Cymbalta and find another way to handle my pain.  (I know that I will have most of this pain for the rest of my life.  I do not want to be on oxycodone for the rest of my life.)

So, any thoughts, ideas, comments?  And am I an addict?  Thanks in advance.  This is a great site and resource.

Mel

[mellie4]

Thanks for the comments; they're really appreciated.  I've put the relationship with my boyfriend on hold.  I need to make sure he isn't headed down the path of destruction like my ex did.  He definitely misused his pills.  But what I'm not totally sure of is whether he was undermedicated to begin with.  His neck pain is very serious.  He doesn't really like taking the pills, which is why when his doctor suggested a higher dose or taking them more often he said no.  But then he ended up taking more than he was supposed to.  He's been on them a while, which is why he went through withdrawals.  It's so hard to tell if he's really addicted.  He doesn't seem to chase them for the "high."  It's definitely the pain.  But whichever it is, I told him I think he needs to be honest with his doctor.  

He feels like I'm abandoning him, I think.  I'm not.  I just can't be in a relationship with someone who is an addict.  If he really is an addict and he recovers, that's something else.  Or if he's not and he gets his pain management under control, then I'll reevaluate.  But I did have a terrible marriage.  My kids and I were subjected to really bad situations.  He's still wreaking havoc in our lives.  Everything that goes along with addiction, I lived through with him:  legal trouble, abuse, money trouble, you name it.  I will never go down that path with anyone again.  I tried everything I could to get him sober.  He lost his wife, his house, his kids, his job, and he's still at it.  I don't think he'll ever change, which is very sad for him and for his kids.

The boyfriend is a bit different.  And unfortunately I'm a little gun shy because of my previous situation.  It's hard for me to tell the difference.  And he's always been wonderful to me and so honest.  But I have a lot of trust issues because of my marriage.  I figure if I just wait it out, everything will be revealed one way or another.  And hopefully he'll have patience with me.

This is a fantastic site and so informative.  All of you will be kept in my prayers for your continued recovery(ies.)

[Addict63]

I just got done reading your 2nd post about your ex losing everything. I've met people in AA/NA who've lost everything, just like him, and still went deeper into the depths of addiction. Wow. You've come out of quite a chaotic marriage. Now you have yet another, less chaotic, but still troublesome relationship with someone who's also become nabbed somewhat by addictive substance. You've really had a tough go of it with your life Mel. I hope your searching for help and answers is becoming a turn for better circumstances in your life. I wish you the best.

[abritt121222]

and also for your boyfriend it might help his pain alot to stay off the pain meds because believe it or not while we are on and dependent to pain meds our pain is much worse because when our minds become dependent on the medicine and we run out of the med our mind will make our body hurt so much more trying to get you to take more meds and with me and alot of others after we stopped taking the meds and withdrawals were over our pain was so much better and any pain that was still there is controlled by OTC meds like motrin or aleve

ABritt

[abritt121222]

The difference in you and an addict to me sounds like you do not have a very addictive personalitly like most of us have that makes it a lot easier to become addicted to anything from drugs to collecting things its like some things we do we just become so consumed by it that we have to keep doing it more and more its something ppl are born with and have to just learn how to control

ABritt

[mellie4]

I definitely do not have drug seeking behavior, and I am VERY aware of what can happen.  What frightens me is that soooo many people start out on pain killers for very legitimate reasons and then end up addicted.  After reading what everyone goes through, I just don't want to go down that path.  I guess I feel like what makes me any different than anyone else?  What makes me think I can take these like I'm supposed to without crossing the line into addiction?

It's bothering me so much.  But I do know without them I cannot do anything.  At least taking them gives me a little relief and even though it doesn't take my pain away, it brings it from an 8 or a 9 to a 3, 4, or 5 on a scale of 1-10.  It lets me function semi-normally.  But I do find that I'm a little "out of it" when I'm on them.  Just a little spacey.  And my memory is shot.  I'm always dropping the ball on things.

I'm 47 years old with 4 kids.  I want a life without the pain meds but without them I have no life at all.  I feel like I'm in a catch 22.

But I guess for now at least I'm safe taking them.  Maybe as long as I am hyper vigilant about making sure I don't slide, like taking the pills earlier than I'm supposed to or upping the dose and I just follow the pain clinic directions, I guess I'll be okay.

Thanks for the input.  God Bless all of you fighting this terrible disease of addiction.  I've seen it with my ex-husband, who I tried to help ... 12 rehabs in 18 years of marriage.  He's still drinking and drugging and has lost EVERYTHING but it still makes no difference.

Now my boyfriend ended up with a Percocet addiction.  He started with a legitimate reason.  He detoxed over the past 2 weeks.  It was hell.  Trouble is he still needs them for his neck.  Not sure what he's going to do.  He's trying to decide whether to get his next script refilled and try to stick to the directions.  I don't have much hope for that, though, since he couldn't do it before.  His next script is due to be refilled Monday or Tuesday so he needs to make a decision.  I feel bad for him either way.  His neck injury is very, very serious and extremely painful, and the Percocet helps.  But if he can't take them properly, he'll end up detoxing again, and that was just about the worst thing I've ever witnessed.

[Addict63]

Hi Mel,

I completely agree with avisg, to me it sounds like you really need it for your pain, and you're simply dependent on it. Nobody needs to writhe around in pain when there's a proven drug out there, completely designed to help you out.

I'm an addict. I'm a recovering alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in going on 28 years, nor have I used street drug to purposely go out and get high since I've sobered up. But, 2 years ago my back went in a real painful bad way. My doctor(s) gave me Vicodin 7.5 for the intense pain. At first I used it for the pain, but my old addictive personality soon came out. Addicts don't graduate and recover, our addiction is simply put on hold, forever waiting to slay us with one pill or drink. Very simply put, an addict is a person who's life is controlled by drugs, and, vicodin started to control me just like the old days with boose. I took care of my pain, but I also started taking care of my brain. I started to like the high too much. I started chasing the high with more vicodin. My doctor upped it one pill a day at my request. I never went over my monthly allotment, but sometimes I'd save up some and take 2 or 3 at once. The vicodin got me out of myself, just like a carnival ride when I was a kid. I kept wanting to run around and get back in line again to go back on the ride, again, and again, and again.  That's when I knew it wasn't going to work for me. So I've stopped; just like the old days. Lucky for me some of my back problems took well to ESI injections and PT. I still have pain, but the pain from the drug was worse. I also took Ambien to help me sleep with the vicodin. I'm still on a taper program and slowly getting Ambien out of my system. Ambien isn't really a high, Ambien is pure hell in a pill. I'm starting to enjoy my life once more. I now treat my addiction(s) with a greater amount of respect and humility than ever before. My life depends on it.

Can you identify with any part of my story?? Opiates will cause dependency and also can cause pure addiction as it did with me. Only you really know yourself deep down.

[LeaAnn807]

Addicts keep using despite consequences and have drug seeking behavior.  (running out early, doctor shopping)  BIG, BIG, BIG difference in addiction and dependence/tolerance.

Best of luck getting everything sorted out!

[abritt121222]

Well first off im gonna start with telling you the differences in an addict and someone who is dependent which are COMPLETELY different so here we go
someone who is dependent on meds which sounds like you are takes the meds for a legit reason because they are really in pain and need the meds to help them and they also take the meds exactly as prescribed never more just to get high on them their body still becomes dependent on the med but they are not really an addict because they are not spending all their money on drugs getting them off the street taking 10x what they are prescribed and like i said they really need the med to function and be able to do everyday things that they couldnt do without the relief the meds give them
and addict like myself is someone who takes meds way more than prescribed and will do anything to get the meds chasing that high and jjust cannot control theirselves and the meds are more important to them than anything else in life i also started out with a legit reason for back pain taking the meds but it got out of hand and then i was still taking them for pain but more for the high they were giving me in other words a 1 month script of 120 pills would last me a week IF I WAS LUCKY
im sure some ppl disagree and say a dependent person and addict are the same but i completely disagree that they are because i dont consider a cancer patient or someone that is termenaly ill an addict just because they need the help of pain meds to be able to function in everyday life
well i hope this helps you out

Good Luck and Godspeed

ABritt

[avisg]

Nothing you have said here would lead me to belive that you are an addict .Yes you are dependent on your meds but that will happen with anyone that takes long term pain meds .