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Will I Ever Get Back To My Former Self?
It's been 143 days since I quit the opiates. I had tapered down to 15mg from 40mg a day before quitting and had a horrible time of it with anxiety. That's much better, but I still feel it most days.
I'm wondering about the lack of motivation and inability to get mentally organized. I went from being a highly organized, active person who juggled business, family, and spiritual interests with caring for 4 horses. Now I am just waiting for the next shoe to fall. I lost everything because of a divorce and am facing homelessness if I can't pull myself together and take care of myself.
On top of it all I am trying to successfully cope opiate free with chronic back pain. I manage with Neurontin and otc meds, but only if I don't do anything that requires raising my arms. I can only type with elbows and forearms resting on my thighs leaning over the coffee table.
I'm so frustrated! I feel like I should be able to rise above all and get on with life, but I just can't get it together.
I'm wondering about the lack of motivation and inability to get mentally organized. I went from being a highly organized, active person who juggled business, family, and spiritual interests with caring for 4 horses. Now I am just waiting for the next shoe to fall. I lost everything because of a divorce and am facing homelessness if I can't pull myself together and take care of myself.
On top of it all I am trying to successfully cope opiate free with chronic back pain. I manage with Neurontin and otc meds, but only if I don't do anything that requires raising my arms. I can only type with elbows and forearms resting on my thighs leaning over the coffee table.
I'm so frustrated! I feel like I should be able to rise above all and get on with life, but I just can't get it together.
That is so sad that you had to take pills to be able to do something you love without being in pain!!
Why do narcotics have to help with the pain more than any other drug, and its so addicting? UGH!
Hang in there, you've made it so far.
Why do narcotics have to help with the pain more than any other drug, and its so addicting? UGH!
Hang in there, you've made it so far.
Oh yipee for you and your days of sobriety! Just keep hanging in there! I'm 50 days CLEAN off of an 8-10 Norco habit a day x's 3 years (for 2 back surgeries) and I'm still finding it hard to get motivated...
I also did take the pain pills to be able to RIDE MY HORSE... but found that when I went off them... I was okay to ride too... there is just SOMETHING About a horse that makes EVERYTHING OKAY... Pain included...
So with that said... just remember this... that... LIFE LOOKS BETTER THRU THE EARS OF A HORSE!
HUGS AND WHINNIES!
I also did take the pain pills to be able to RIDE MY HORSE... but found that when I went off them... I was okay to ride too... there is just SOMETHING About a horse that makes EVERYTHING OKAY... Pain included...
So with that said... just remember this... that... LIFE LOOKS BETTER THRU THE EARS OF A HORSE!
HUGS AND WHINNIES!
I never got much of a kick from opiates. That's probably why I was able to stay within the protocol for years.
What I did to abuse them was take them so that I could keep on riding when I shouldn't have been. I could stay in the saddle all day on the pills. The closest thing to a trigger is knowing I'm going to do something potentially painful. Not having horses anymore has helped me quit. I only ride occasionally and don't have to move 70 lb bales. I'll be doing a weekend ride in 4 weeks and that'll be a test. My sister just had a mastectomy last week and can't do anything much. I'll have to do all the heavy stuff plus set up my own camp gear.
I miss the active life I lived. I'm in a vicious cycle. No energy, no exercise, no energy. I'm active in spurts. I end up crashing after being active then do very little for a while.
I can't tolerate SSRI's. They make me feel horrible. Wellbutrin felt ok, but gave me a rash. Too bad it's the only antidepressant of it's kind. I do take trazodone every night, but that's mainly for sleep. I'd like to go back on LDN. That gave me energy, but I was a little more anxious on it. I plan to go back on it as soon as I get the anxiety under control. I was leery of tyrosine bc it's a stimulating amino. I think I might be able to tolerate it now tho', I tried kratom and it didn't make me jittery. (It didn't help pain as I'd hoped either). I've heard that ribose is really good for energy production and am going to try it with creatinine. It's supposed to support the Krebs cycle.
I'll tell you what...addiction and recovery has been a very educational experience. I think that knowlege is very important to succeeding. The information in the health pages here has been a really good place to start learning about my addiction. Now if I could just organize my mind......
What I did to abuse them was take them so that I could keep on riding when I shouldn't have been. I could stay in the saddle all day on the pills. The closest thing to a trigger is knowing I'm going to do something potentially painful. Not having horses anymore has helped me quit. I only ride occasionally and don't have to move 70 lb bales. I'll be doing a weekend ride in 4 weeks and that'll be a test. My sister just had a mastectomy last week and can't do anything much. I'll have to do all the heavy stuff plus set up my own camp gear.
I miss the active life I lived. I'm in a vicious cycle. No energy, no exercise, no energy. I'm active in spurts. I end up crashing after being active then do very little for a while.
I can't tolerate SSRI's. They make me feel horrible. Wellbutrin felt ok, but gave me a rash. Too bad it's the only antidepressant of it's kind. I do take trazodone every night, but that's mainly for sleep. I'd like to go back on LDN. That gave me energy, but I was a little more anxious on it. I plan to go back on it as soon as I get the anxiety under control. I was leery of tyrosine bc it's a stimulating amino. I think I might be able to tolerate it now tho', I tried kratom and it didn't make me jittery. (It didn't help pain as I'd hoped either). I've heard that ribose is really good for energy production and am going to try it with creatinine. It's supposed to support the Krebs cycle.
I'll tell you what...addiction and recovery has been a very educational experience. I think that knowlege is very important to succeeding. The information in the health pages here has been a really good place to start learning about my addiction. Now if I could just organize my mind......
143 days is great! as a rule..mentally u should be getting ur nrg back by now..ur dose was not huge at 40 mgs a day...the thomas recipe/the aminos especially tyrosine helped me with the motivation thing....exercise helped most tho...have u gotten to the root of why u used narcotics///if indeed u did abuse them? those who used for nrg often did abuse them as they r not for motivation and nrg//but for pain purposes and most only feel sleepy etc when on narcs...an addicts mind is different..one who feels energetic from narcotics is at high risk for addiction to them...there could be some sort of anti-depressant..for many a dopamine replacement that could help..u need to talk to ur dr about it.u also need to realize none of us are superbeings..and everyone..even people who r not addicts..have bad days....keep posting and congrats on ur clean time
Hey Ginsa !!!!!!!!!
You and I have been through alot with our lives haven't we ?! I did not know abt. your divorce tho. Seems like you were rather silent abt. that or perhaps I was not sharp enough to catch it in one of your posts. sorry......
We can say that we have searched in many areas for help and have found much of it through our posts with others. I too am still searching and reading all I can to find out if I am doing everything I can to help myself and still stay sane (mostly)lol I have fought to keep myself from searching out another form to stay as pain free as possible, just am not sure I want to deal with other options, they all seem to carry their own demons, and I don't need anymore of that. It is lonely here, in my own private little hell-town, so hard for family to understand, and it is tiresome to them too. I hate to look into their faces and read their minds that "gosh, she isn't over it yet" look in their eyes. I think that I have tasted what it is like to be pain-free and now......... pain-ful... and that is the hardest part for me. Chronic, as in "here forever" ........ yeah, no wonder I need antidepressants !! Darn shame, anything that will help us is the same thing that screwed up our body, yeah, but it did help with the pain.... and caused insanity at the same time !! What a kick!!
Well, Ginsa, I know you will understand my writings and why I sound like a loonatic, everyone else will just have to accept me.... we are all in this together ...
Hugs to you girl :) You are in my prayers.
E
You and I have been through alot with our lives haven't we ?! I did not know abt. your divorce tho. Seems like you were rather silent abt. that or perhaps I was not sharp enough to catch it in one of your posts. sorry......
We can say that we have searched in many areas for help and have found much of it through our posts with others. I too am still searching and reading all I can to find out if I am doing everything I can to help myself and still stay sane (mostly)lol I have fought to keep myself from searching out another form to stay as pain free as possible, just am not sure I want to deal with other options, they all seem to carry their own demons, and I don't need anymore of that. It is lonely here, in my own private little hell-town, so hard for family to understand, and it is tiresome to them too. I hate to look into their faces and read their minds that "gosh, she isn't over it yet" look in their eyes. I think that I have tasted what it is like to be pain-free and now......... pain-ful... and that is the hardest part for me. Chronic, as in "here forever" ........ yeah, no wonder I need antidepressants !! Darn shame, anything that will help us is the same thing that screwed up our body, yeah, but it did help with the pain.... and caused insanity at the same time !! What a kick!!
Well, Ginsa, I know you will understand my writings and why I sound like a loonatic, everyone else will just have to accept me.... we are all in this together ...
Hugs to you girl :) You are in my prayers.
E
i have been off of pain meds for 5 months now and i am still coping with depression and stress problems which got me here in the first place but i do feel more human everyday. I can see why they say aftercare is so important. I have nuerothapy and it causes me problems sometimes but I have found that i can tolerate the symptoms without the pain meds better than with....I have 2 kids that are watching how i will react next and their feelings and approval are important to me. Stay in touch with what motivates you to improve and know that the people here care about you and hope for you to suxceed
I checked out PAWS both here and on the web. It helps a little to know that I may have to just put up with the way I feel for a while longer. I may be experiencing what is considered "stable" PAW. I made some great progress in the first 6 weeks, but have been stuck since then with only minor fluctuations in how I feel. I might be one of the people that just suddenly starts to feel normal. Whatever that is... :) I hope.
I took a real leap of faith when I decided to quit the opiates. I was very emotionally fragile and I knew my ex was going to destroy me financially as well. I was hoping that being clear headed would help me get through it all. I hope to look back a year from now and see that was the case, but right now I feel almost helpless. The stress is staggering and that combined with physical pain has made me question why I quit lately. But I'm not giving up. I have to keep believing that all will eventually be well. Right now I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself.
When I put things in perspective can see that I have really come a long way, even if it's only measured by what I've survived in the past few months. Some of what I went through is a blur...that's probably a blessing. Friends who don't even know about my addiction tell me that they probably wouldn't have survived what I've been through. It's not over yet, but I hope that I end up stronger for it.
I am one of those people who's Dr. said would probably have to be on opiates for the rest of my life. I am determined to prove her wrong. I may have to go back on them at some point, but I'm going to put it off for as long as possible and then use them intermittently to make sure I know where my baseline of pain is. That gets lost with the rebound pain that tolerance leads to.
I see a therapist every couple of weeks and I suppose it has helped. I don't know how much worse a time I'd have coping without her support. She is the one who nudged me toward detox. I don't know if I'd have actually quit if I hadn't done that. I might have just given up after all I had been through when I was so close to zero mg. I like to think I'd have done it on my own, but thankfully I'll never have to know that.
What I do know is that the support I've gotten from you all has been the single most valuable resource for my recovery. I really do appreciate the support I've gotten from you all. I don't know what I'd have done if I hadn't found this forum. Thank you just doesn't seem like it's enough. But THANK YOU!
I took a real leap of faith when I decided to quit the opiates. I was very emotionally fragile and I knew my ex was going to destroy me financially as well. I was hoping that being clear headed would help me get through it all. I hope to look back a year from now and see that was the case, but right now I feel almost helpless. The stress is staggering and that combined with physical pain has made me question why I quit lately. But I'm not giving up. I have to keep believing that all will eventually be well. Right now I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself.
When I put things in perspective can see that I have really come a long way, even if it's only measured by what I've survived in the past few months. Some of what I went through is a blur...that's probably a blessing. Friends who don't even know about my addiction tell me that they probably wouldn't have survived what I've been through. It's not over yet, but I hope that I end up stronger for it.
I am one of those people who's Dr. said would probably have to be on opiates for the rest of my life. I am determined to prove her wrong. I may have to go back on them at some point, but I'm going to put it off for as long as possible and then use them intermittently to make sure I know where my baseline of pain is. That gets lost with the rebound pain that tolerance leads to.
I see a therapist every couple of weeks and I suppose it has helped. I don't know how much worse a time I'd have coping without her support. She is the one who nudged me toward detox. I don't know if I'd have actually quit if I hadn't done that. I might have just given up after all I had been through when I was so close to zero mg. I like to think I'd have done it on my own, but thankfully I'll never have to know that.
What I do know is that the support I've gotten from you all has been the single most valuable resource for my recovery. I really do appreciate the support I've gotten from you all. I don't know what I'd have done if I hadn't found this forum. Thank you just doesn't seem like it's enough. But THANK YOU!
I know what you are going through, I made a big mess out of things too. just gotta keep picking your battles at the right time. its very stressful.
they do say the fatigue/motivation factor does take a long time for us long term users, but each week it gets somewhat better. some say in 6 months or more should be %100 or close. working out helps a bunch,but the problem is just starting it !!
but I do know I feel sooooo much better than I did on the pills,even though I am fighting with it too,still.
they do say the fatigue/motivation factor does take a long time for us long term users, but each week it gets somewhat better. some say in 6 months or more should be %100 or close. working out helps a bunch,but the problem is just starting it !!
but I do know I feel sooooo much better than I did on the pills,even though I am fighting with it too,still.
Well I hate to tell you but sometimes you just got to think abot the quality of life. Some people are just going to require pain meds if the pain is so bad that they cant function on a daily bases. I thought i would always need them but it turned out i could handle the pain with otc meds. Grant it there is a lot of things I cant do but i didnt do them while on the meds either. Its a "damn if i do and damn if i dont" situation for you. You got to decide which is better for you.
P.S. I wanted to say "YES" about getting your old self back. When most of us got clean we had to go through a lot of changes and it takes time. Do you not see any improvements? It may be hard with all the stress that your taking on now, but we do heal from addiction, for me it was a minor miracle. Keep the faith:)
Congrats on 143 days opiate free. I am sorry your going through all these things right now, that is a lot to take on all at once. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to talk about all of this? It is free here if you need one and can't afford it, not sure about there, but I would imagine so. Although it takes time to recover from drugs, this could have a lot to do with your scenario right now also. Do you feel depressed? I just wanted to send you some support and hope things get better. You should be very proud of the fact your opiate free, but I am sorry about the pain. Hang in there ok, and think about the counsellor. Have you read about PAWS in the health pages? Good luck and stay strong!
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