PLEASE- Advice on how to help addicted husband???

[Stacie106]

My 34yr old husband is addicted to percocet and ambien. I need advice on how to support him and get him the help he needs. Although he has admitted the issue, he mainly lives in a denial stage. He calls it dependence and continues to think he can control it. I have worked with him to quit nine times and have tried numerous attempts with very involved support from his family, and mulitple meetings with his doctor to wean him off (not alot of help from doc). A little over a month ago he completed a medical detox in the hospital but would not enter the 30 day rehab program attached to it as he agreed to prior, then started using again a week later. He's not able to manage his own pills, and has put them in control of others (myself, his father, his sister, mother) but always finds a way to manipulate them to get what he wants. I'm guilty too, he's good at it and I've had to learn over and over again. He no longer is trying to stop them and has new justified reasons to take them both. He agreed to outpatient therapy, but doesn't always show and when he does he's using and it actually seems to be making things worse right now. He's been in the hospital once for a percocet overdose, and twice for an ambien overdose in the last 3 weeks. Once he was held for a 72hr watch, but he got released the next day when he was able to manipulate the doctor/social worker to release him and actually get pain meds in the hospital! He's suffering from serious PTSD and night terrors. He has suffered for years of back pain (which initialized the use of pain meds), but the recent MRI shows his back has healed and he should no longer be in the pain he claims. I have requested the doctor not give him these meds, but he still gets them, recently he filled a family members ambien refill without them knowing. The list of his tricks, and the ways we try to stop them is neverending. I think he's doctor shopping right now or has turned to the street for his addiction. He recently drove 10 miles on 37 ambien pills (10mg) and luckily only hurt his truck and a stop sign. That night he was in police custody and taken to hospital. BUt nothing comes of it. He's a former police officer and gets off the hook. The social workers have told me there is nothing they can do to help me keep him safe. I am very concerned for his safety and safety of others. I feel I've tried everything, and tried many ways to get him help outside me. I have not been successful yet obviously. People, including his family, think I should leave him. We have a 6 month old. My husband is dealing with alot of mental trauma that he's trying to cover up with pills and I beleive he's truly sick and needs help. Although I keep getting hurt and its extremely trying, I take my vows very seriously and want to do everything I can to stand by him and support him through this hard time in his life. He has been staying at his parents for months now because I won't tolerate the use of pills and don't want the behavior that comes with it near me or our baby. He seems out of control, but has what seems to be some clear moments when I can see his true feelings and fears. I can not stress enough how wonderful of a man he was before he starting mis-using the pills. Right now, I can see very little of the man I know him as. But I still beleive the man I love is in there and crying for help. HIs therapist believes that suicide is a possibility for him right now and that me and our son may be his only reason some days. But she says he's not openly threatening it, so nothing legal can be done. I would do anything to keep him safe. I will risk my marriage and our relationship if it means he stays alive. Its a very real concern of mine, whether its self inflicted or unintentional from the abuse of the pills. I will do what I can until I no longer can, or its a conflict for our son or my health or safety. I don't think he is a current threat to us. Please, does anyone have any suggestions or insight as to where to go from here? His family feels like they can't help him so they've all but given up. I feel like I'm the only one fighting for him. I feel he can not even mentally comprehend whats happening. We are almost thru our savings, since he's not working and time is not on our side. I don't have anyone close/family in state to help me with the baby so I can work to support us. I'd love some insight from anyone thats "been there"??

[worried878]

agree...he is the only one who can beat this...u can support him/and sounds like u have done a great job...but u can not save him..it is very sad but u can not make him clean...at this point u need to look at ur own life with ur 6 mth old and plan for a life without him included just in case...counting on someone like this as a breadwinner in a family would be tough

After u do all u can to help the addict...and even before..u need to take care of urself..addiction hurts so many people..not only the addict..it is a devastating disease...hopefully not contagious...if it were me/and i am not u/i would start planning a life so that if he were not in it i would still be ok...but thats me and we r all different

[Stacie106]

Thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate your input. I have been receiving similar advice from a close friend that was married to a pain pill abuser. She divorced him 7 yrs ago, and he passed away this year at 41 due to the damage to his body.

I actually moved alot of money today just like you mentioned.

I am very conflicted with what is the right thing to do. I believe he is dealing with more than the addiction & PTSD here.  In times of clarity, he admits that he feels he doesn't have the strength to tackle this, and every decision feels so overwhelming and he has asked for help to get him back to healthy, whole and with his family again (us).

The pills have such a strong hold on him. I know I probably sound like the one in denial to many, but I want to make sure I do everything I can before giving up.

I do hope that an actual addict or recovering addict will tell me their thoughts too so I feel like i see the whole picture.

[notgoingdown]

You could fight the best fight ever fought but you CAN NOT fight this for him. The only way he will ever get off them is if he wants it and he has to want it for HIMSELF...not for you, his child, his parents... it is ALL on him.
My advice is to put all that energy into figuring out how you will do this alone because that is more than likely what will happen. Separate your finances, take what is left of the savings and put it somewhere he cant access it. Figure out some plan for child care. Actually the sooner he doesnt have anyone to help avoid consequences the sooner he may reach the bottom he needs to reach so that he will want to get straight.

I say this as the wife of an pain pill abuser but there will be many actual addicts on here that will tell you about the same thing.