Aa
Cycles
Hey angels! I haven't been posting as I've been in this awful dismal headspace of depression the last couple of weeks (maybe more).....I'm wondering how many of you that have got a little time behind you, have noticed this weird cyclic head trip that happens every thirty days. Well I'm about a week away from hitting my 180 days and thank f*cking God, cuz this 5th month has really s*cked balls! Could hardly peel myself outta the cracks in the flooring...very very low......limbo champion low! I did something that I haven't done in years and that is I snuck a drink of whiskey. It's not a problem...I didn't enjoy it....but I drank it. Booze isn't even what I've been dealing with these years, but I can never do that again....my husband would lose it if he knew, so that's not happening right now.
I thank my maker that I finally woke this day with a completely different head....much mire positive...but I'm afraid it will be gone tomorrow. I'm gonna pray hard on this........man, I can't go back there. I almost called to get my script for my ad again...but f*ck NO! I don't want to run and take a f*cking pill every time I crash or can't deal....I still don't really know what it's like to be clean.....last time was when I was 14......I'm gonna be 55 in April . .........God, depressed states are a nightmare for me.... Sorry guys.....just feel so different these days. Peace out angels....keep moving forward!! Hugs and prayers.
Oh ya.......
Anybody got any super uber cool science stuff they can throw at me...I need to know what's going on here. Xo
I thank my maker that I finally woke this day with a completely different head....much mire positive...but I'm afraid it will be gone tomorrow. I'm gonna pray hard on this........man, I can't go back there. I almost called to get my script for my ad again...but f*ck NO! I don't want to run and take a f*cking pill every time I crash or can't deal....I still don't really know what it's like to be clean.....last time was when I was 14......I'm gonna be 55 in April . .........God, depressed states are a nightmare for me.... Sorry guys.....just feel so different these days. Peace out angels....keep moving forward!! Hugs and prayers.
Oh ya.......
Anybody got any super uber cool science stuff they can throw at me...I need to know what's going on here. Xo
Girl, I feel you on the cycle thing! I'm also 5 months so,I understand where you are coming from. I'll have a couple good day, a couple great days than, BOOM a really bad day(s). It really depends what sets me off. I can go from o- 100 within seconds. I'm still learning new coping skills/ tools. What do you do? Do you know any tools? I really think that you are an awesome woman with an amazing sense of humor!
"I am afraid it will be gone tomorrow."
Attached to that feeling. Fear of the future being like the past is disappointing. Right now is almost perfect, if I only I knew it would stay. Not truly satisfying, which brings us back to suffering. If you are joyful, rejoice, if you mourn, cry. That part of you that watches yourself, the un-self is un-changing . Sidhartha was onto something there. Nurture your temple and do not resist the good nor bad feelings passing by on the wind.
.
Attached to that feeling. Fear of the future being like the past is disappointing. Right now is almost perfect, if I only I knew it would stay. Not truly satisfying, which brings us back to suffering. If you are joyful, rejoice, if you mourn, cry. That part of you that watches yourself, the un-self is un-changing . Sidhartha was onto something there. Nurture your temple and do not resist the good nor bad feelings passing by on the wind.
.
Spider.....you ALWAYS make me literally laugh OUTLOUD!!!!!!!!!!!
I love you, I love you, I love you RIGHT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"If a little bit works....a WHOLE LOT MORE will be better"....NOT>>>>>NOT
We're healing fo sho......we are, we are, we are:::::::))))))))))
I love you, I love you, I love you RIGHT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"If a little bit works....a WHOLE LOT MORE will be better"....NOT>>>>>NOT
We're healing fo sho......we are, we are, we are:::::::))))))))))
Hey Spider, congratulations coming up to 180 days. You are another one who inspires me. Your honest with yourself and your a strong person. I like hearing what you have to say. Im on 80 days and am non stop internet browsing about how to fix myself and the answer is always going back to, time heals all. I dont like hearing this, but i understand. And depression is a bugger. Lucky for me i havent had depression since my taper. But always telling myself, dont think too much and dont let your mind wander, because i know if i do, that depression could come back and hit me like a ton of bricks. But im very happy today and i know you are too. But its a hard job staying clean, and were all doing a wonderful job, mentally and emotionally, because were still here and were still soldiering on. Well done xx
Thanks Dig, I do remember your struggles. I'm glad your curving more on the upside boy.
Yup...thas wum tawkin bow! Connie, I love you, I love you, I love you! Omg, your story sounds exactly like mine. Wow! I f*ckin abuse everything that works a lil bit.... I was overdoing it on my ad's. as I couldn't get the effect I wanted. But girl, thank you for comin through with my super uber cool science stuff.......gonna read article. I'm gonna take it up with the big guy about getting you some extra fluffy feathers to add to your wings. Hugs xo
Hey Spidy, I feel your pain my friend. 8 month of ups and downs for me, big time too. One week I would feel good and then it was like going off a cliff, not cool. BUT, did you see the "but" its back there<<, lol, its got so much better this last week or so, not like before either, much better physically and mentally. My biggest hurdle is bad sleep, but I'm rolling with it and staying patient. So my friend hang tight and stay focused it does and will get better. By the way, great work thus far, you got this, yup you have, ;))
It's SO GOOD to see your face again, Spidey!!!
You're coming up on 6 months (WAHOO YOU!!)....and I can tell you that my first 6 months were REALLY rough and I had some "VERY noticeable" improvements between 6 mos and 9 mos....and again at a year.
Some history, an opinion and some science for you, ok?...hahaha!
When I initially began to cut back my 30 pills/day to 10 pills/day (I was calling it a taper...LOL)....I found myself in this "total mental panic mode" as I cut back...wondering what the heck I was going to do as I got lower and lower. So WHILE I was cutting back my 2 pain pills every 2 hrs.....the off hours that I wasn't eating opiates I was shoving my AD and nerve pain med in my mouth. I REALLY screwed with my seratonin levels and other brain chemistry doing that!!!!
Granted, I had been on an AD for 12 straight years (5 different ones over all those years).....never EVER took more than prescribed... but it was the panic and fear/helplessness occurring in my mind as I reduced the opiates that generated that ridiculous abuse of the AD. SOOOOO...when I got off my pain pills, I also made the personal decision to get off my AD AND my muscle relaxer, Soma (it's NOT a benzo...but it definitely breaks down chemistry-wise like a benzo which is why I liked it/abused it so much).
I went on one of my typical research missions AFTER I got clean and could start "thinking right" again....I REALLY wanted to learn anything I could about "long term affects" of being on an AD. I could find VERY LITTLE medical info even out there available to read. (not much research has even been done on long term use). But what I DID find just reinforced my determination to STAY OFF an AD and allow my brain to continue healing.
You helped me by reminding us that you just went off your AD 56 days ago...(I was gonna have to try and find that tidbit of info..LOL) If I remember correctly...you were on a very high dose of your AD, right?
And you'd been on it for quite awhile too, right?
So you add that to your journey of getting off benzos and opiates....and it's like I'm reading here and thinking "no f'in wonder she's depressed and dealing with some major roller coaster emotions"??? Right? Makes sense to me anyway.
Opiates ALONE will provide a nice roller coaster ride the first 6 mos to a year when you have a long history and aren't some "young thang"...LOL
Add to that just being off your high dose AD for 56 days????
Keep healing baby.....cause you REALLY are.....there is so much to learn about AD's. I found an article about long term affects back in the Summer of 2012 but can I find it now? Nope....I can't. But maybe you can if you want to "bing" your brains out some afternoon. LOL I will share a VERY LONG article I bookmarked on AD's. It even talks about Nicotine affecting the same chemicals (seratonin in particular) that AD's do. Do I KNOW I need to quit the cigs (again)...??? Damn straight.....but let me heal awhile from the opiates and all the other drugs my body is healing from first, imo.
First things first.....(as they say......LOL) Many won't agree....but I don't care...it's MY head, it's MY stress levels, they are MY consequences.
So....that's my history...and my opinion of why you are majorly dealing with some things at 56 days off your AD.
If you get bored and want to read that VERY long article on AD's...well, I guess that's about as much "uber cool science stuff" as I have to offer. LOL
You just hang on with all you've got......you have already put SO MUCH behind you.....and you are WINNING BABY!!!!
Here ya go:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antidepressant
((HUGS))) my Spider.....weaving your way outta the webs, yep you are~
You're coming up on 6 months (WAHOO YOU!!)....and I can tell you that my first 6 months were REALLY rough and I had some "VERY noticeable" improvements between 6 mos and 9 mos....and again at a year.
Some history, an opinion and some science for you, ok?...hahaha!
When I initially began to cut back my 30 pills/day to 10 pills/day (I was calling it a taper...LOL)....I found myself in this "total mental panic mode" as I cut back...wondering what the heck I was going to do as I got lower and lower. So WHILE I was cutting back my 2 pain pills every 2 hrs.....the off hours that I wasn't eating opiates I was shoving my AD and nerve pain med in my mouth. I REALLY screwed with my seratonin levels and other brain chemistry doing that!!!!
Granted, I had been on an AD for 12 straight years (5 different ones over all those years).....never EVER took more than prescribed... but it was the panic and fear/helplessness occurring in my mind as I reduced the opiates that generated that ridiculous abuse of the AD. SOOOOO...when I got off my pain pills, I also made the personal decision to get off my AD AND my muscle relaxer, Soma (it's NOT a benzo...but it definitely breaks down chemistry-wise like a benzo which is why I liked it/abused it so much).
I went on one of my typical research missions AFTER I got clean and could start "thinking right" again....I REALLY wanted to learn anything I could about "long term affects" of being on an AD. I could find VERY LITTLE medical info even out there available to read. (not much research has even been done on long term use). But what I DID find just reinforced my determination to STAY OFF an AD and allow my brain to continue healing.
You helped me by reminding us that you just went off your AD 56 days ago...(I was gonna have to try and find that tidbit of info..LOL) If I remember correctly...you were on a very high dose of your AD, right?
And you'd been on it for quite awhile too, right?
So you add that to your journey of getting off benzos and opiates....and it's like I'm reading here and thinking "no f'in wonder she's depressed and dealing with some major roller coaster emotions"??? Right? Makes sense to me anyway.
Opiates ALONE will provide a nice roller coaster ride the first 6 mos to a year when you have a long history and aren't some "young thang"...LOL
Add to that just being off your high dose AD for 56 days????
Keep healing baby.....cause you REALLY are.....there is so much to learn about AD's. I found an article about long term affects back in the Summer of 2012 but can I find it now? Nope....I can't. But maybe you can if you want to "bing" your brains out some afternoon. LOL I will share a VERY LONG article I bookmarked on AD's. It even talks about Nicotine affecting the same chemicals (seratonin in particular) that AD's do. Do I KNOW I need to quit the cigs (again)...??? Damn straight.....but let me heal awhile from the opiates and all the other drugs my body is healing from first, imo.
First things first.....(as they say......LOL) Many won't agree....but I don't care...it's MY head, it's MY stress levels, they are MY consequences.
So....that's my history...and my opinion of why you are majorly dealing with some things at 56 days off your AD.
If you get bored and want to read that VERY long article on AD's...well, I guess that's about as much "uber cool science stuff" as I have to offer. LOL
You just hang on with all you've got......you have already put SO MUCH behind you.....and you are WINNING BABY!!!!
Here ya go:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antidepressant
((HUGS))) my Spider.....weaving your way outta the webs, yep you are~
Oh, man the crazy cycle stuff! I'm telling you what, mine are a little longer than 30 days lately. I have been stuck in the high stress, no sleep, irritable, near breakdown cycle for the past month and a half. It s*cks!!! I know it will have to give at some point. All of my other phases did and I've made it dang near 10 months. I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time. It will pass Spider. I promise as long as you wait it out, it will pass. Great job on your clean time and keep on rockin' and rollin' lady!!
Pat, lol, no chin hairs, yikes.....and I just stopped my ad 56 days ago. Funny, one of the reasons I stopped taking it, it was making my hair fall out and I can definitely notice how much less that is happening since I stopped.
Are you growing chin hairs?? Just kidding, lolol.
You should get your hormones checked though and your thyroid.
If the depression lasts for awhile you also may want to consider the AD's. It's not like we abuse them and they can help if you are depressed.
I wouldn't recommend them for people with short clean times but at 6months I would think about it.
That's it. I'm done.
xo
You should get your hormones checked though and your thyroid.
If the depression lasts for awhile you also may want to consider the AD's. It's not like we abuse them and they can help if you are depressed.
I wouldn't recommend them for people with short clean times but at 6months I would think about it.
That's it. I'm done.
xo
Sarah, ya I'm done menopause, haven't had a period in two yrs. no more hot flashes...the alcohol .....don't know why I did that.....stupid.....have no desire to do it again.........
COMMUNITY LEADER
The first year is so up and down. You will get thru this. Now for something rather personal.....Are you going thru menopause? That can really screw with your head too.
Watch out for the alcohol.....that will grab you right by the short hairs and take you down hard. Rant over!
Watch out for the alcohol.....that will grab you right by the short hairs and take you down hard. Rant over!
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